WHY do they refuse?

Good post lakeside4003 . I've wanted to discuss "refusers" for quite awhile. Not necessarily the "why", because as Baz has always said, it's pointless, really more academic. (though as a student of human nature, I think it's important to talk about the "why's")

The reason I've wanted to discuss refuser's as a group is more because of the vilification of them. Both those we hear about here on the forum and those who actually come here. I am equally as guilty. "Those damn vicious refusers!! With their evil schemes of control and narcissism! Screw them!!" (pun fully intended) I'm not saying they are all innocent lambs that don't have a controlling mental defect, but they aren't all evil either. I'm not saying what they do is right, only that there are many, many factors behind anyone's choices and decisions. Emotions and feelings. Right or wrong, I can at least understand. It's what they do with those choices that's important. It's what WE do with those choices that's important.

I have close experience with three "refusers". Thru ILIASM, I've heard of many more, all with different motivations and character. But for this, let me stick to the ones I know well:

My Ex - Much like yours lakeside4003, my ex was sexually abused as a child, for a long period of time. She grew up in abject poverty, the result of her mother being a severe alcoholic that her father divorced, taking two older daughters with him, leaving her with her mother. Her mother subsequently had 2  more children some years later, which my ex had to raise....at the age of 12!! She was the sole source of income beyond the welfare checks, that her mother spent on booze if she could. At the age of 17, my ex was gang raped, producing what became by adoption my second oldest daughter. To say that she has issues...deep psychological issues....would be an understatement. To me, her refusal wasn't evil. Her fear and avoidance of affection, intimacy, and sexual relations obviously sprung from that. But she refused to acknowledge even having that fear. She refused to acknowledge that she even had ANY issues, that it was entirely my fault. And finally, her refusal to even see a therapist to find out....lead to our eventual divorce. She chose to ignore it. I didn't. She made a choice. I did too. But I understood.

The Why = Extreme abuse at an early age.

I became involved with a married woman during the process of my divorce. She was on EP. She read extensively on ILIASM. She was the refuser in her marriage. Should she have been on ILIASM? Yes! She did!! Did she fear and avoid sex? Uh.....no....not in the least. Not with me. In fact....well...let's leave it at that. Her motivation? She didn't love her husband. Never did. She dated a "bad boy" thru high school. When it went south with bad boy, her future husband was the nice guy that treated her well. Complimented her. Did all the gentlemanly things. The safe guy. She was swept off her feet, they became engaged, and the whole family and town celebrated! But....she soon realized she didn't love him. Not a deep love. Not a real love. But in a small town...and being a young girl caught up in the excitement of planning a wedding, not disappointing her parents, and not embarrassing herself and her fiancé.....they married. Many have done the same, for a lot less valid reasons. And they had children, but as the years went by, there wasn't a love bonding them together. He felt it and grew distant. He became resentful, angry. She had never been "close". She withdrew further, feeling guilty about not being the wife he deserved, eventually becoming the refuser. She liked sex, just not with him. Should she have not gotten married? Sure. But she was a young girl, family all excited, swept away with the vison of a happy, married life. They were young, they made a mistake. Should she have left much, much sooner? Of course. But she had kids. She had a job. She had....a life, of sorts. She is still with him. They are now trying to reconcile. She's trying to learn to love him. Including intimacy. They may make it. I understand.

The Why = Never loved him. (Btw....this very closely describes the start of my marriage. The excitement of getting married, both friends and family.....mine. A young person's stupid mistake. I should have left long ago)

My final one is a very good friend...and the only example of a valid refuser I can think of. She married a man that she loved, who turned out to be very heavily into BDSM. Hard core BDSM. Also cuck-holding. All news to her after the wedding. He assumed that ALL women loved this, (*WTF!?!), but not until after marriage (WTF?#2) and was shocked to learn she didn't. (WTF#3??) Bad communication, to say the least. At first, he didn't push it on her, and they became foster parents, eventually adopting them, including a autistic boy. Hubby eventually started demanding the BDSM. More and more. He began quoting the BDSM magazines he gets while they were having sex. Then he became emotionally abusive to her because she didn't "join in". She was horrified. She did give a try at VERY light BDSM...but just couldn't, and she eventually became a refuser. It's a train wreck of a marriage, but for the sake of stability for her autistic child, she's stayed in that marriage. Until now. The child is now a young man, going out into the working world and is now stable enough to withstand the shock of such a dramatic change and she is filing for divorce. I don't think this example fits any of us here, but I mention it to show an extreme of a refuser's actions. I understand.

The Why = Uh.....do I really have to list it?

These are the "Why's" of the three I know. Are they valid? I think they are. Each one of them. They are valid to the person who feels the emotions that they have. Are they valid to their spouses? That's for the spouse to decide. Will they change? Can they change? In all three cases there is change. Two lead to divorce, one to a re-commitment. But in all of them, in my humble opinion, the why doesn't matter.

The choices do.

That....I understand.