WHY do they refuse?

Hopefully what you(and me) gain from this, is to not let it happen again, what to look for the next time, and that we have reached a much better understanding of looking out for ourselves, and still be a giver.  (fist bump)

Along with many here, I have chosen to quit wasting my energy on why. We all have a fair idea why our partners are the way they are. But seriously, I refuse to waste another moment on why's. My inclination is always to fix, help , put things right..... well it's my turn to do those things for myself now.

It's taken me 40 years, 17 in a very unhealthy relationship, before I found this place to realise that.
we need to stop being martyrs. We need to wind our own egos in to admit that we aren't responsible for mending our partners issues. They have their own choices. They will survive without us. We are not God.

We are not getting out of this alive and every moment that passes cannot be taken back.

I'm all for freedom now not fixing.

Thanks @baffledking.

If it wasn't for this place I would still be in the miserable fog. I'm so grateful for all the wisdom in this group.

It's exciting when you feel the change in yourself isn't it.

I love that we all help each other through the shit. Step by step x

Roughly half of all marriages end in divorce. Divorce is not unusual or abnormal or rare, it is statistically almost an expected outcome of marriage. Millions of people exit their sexless marriages. Some never do. Perhaps those that don't need to figure out why they are so reluctant to leave a situation that is so hopeless.

I suspect the difference between those that exit and those that don't is that those that exit have a basic fundamental philosophy:

There is an expectation of plentiful and wanted sex in a marriage.  Otherwise there will be simple and direct consequences.

In the face of a lack of that sex and intimacy, the marriage WILL end and does end.  And in many or most cases it ends relatively quickly (a year or two, not a decade or two or three)

Most people here do not actually believe in that expectation of sex.  We give or gave lip service to it, for decades.

It's a simple difference in philosophy, and a willingness to enforce it.

Generally they refuse sex from their partner because they do not desire them. They do not have a unique attraction to them in a way that differentiates from other people who they don't desire. My answer might appear glib in how obvious it is, but it is sincere.

I used to overcomplicate this. My error was in thinking that my discovery of the problem was at inception rather than at its logical result. I treated it like a diagnosing a live patient rather than as an autopsy on a corpse. Experts can debate the treatment for the ailment that afflicted a cadaver, but from the standpoint of the corpse's loved ones, the problem right now is that they are dead. One's urgency and focus changes in the two circumstances, though it takes time for the reality to sink in for the loved ones - with whom a sense of urgency remains.

I recall someone close to me relaying the story in which she was informed, by phone, about her brother's suicide by shotgun, with the police tidying the scene a couple hours away. Her response, upon hearing the news, was to jump into the car and race to the scene with intent to stop her brother from going through with what she had been told had already happened. With monstrous, horrible truths, the mind conspires to protect us from harm in ways that don't always make sense.

The question I wish I'd been able to focus my attention on when people on this board tried to tell me - even as they realized no one can be TOLD this - is "Why do you expect you can benefit from knowing this answer?"  In this scenario, what constitutes a benefit?

 Benefits could be:

1)  Restoring the loss, by first understanding the missing piece so that desire reappears. But tell me - how does one "intend" to desire another, if they don't? Imagine a first meet with a date who seems compatible on Tinder. They say their feelings are not romantic feelings and you try to build a "case" for yourself. It's absurd - the stuff of crazy dating stories. You might convince someone to stick around, but you can't convince someone to be attracted when they aren't. A blank stranger with a "good enough" face has a better chance than you of a shag because at least there is a question of attraction. If you split and your celibate spouse is indiscrete, you will have the treat of knowing this.

2) A story on which to sign off? Understanding the story offers a feeling of certainty and moral absolution in pulling the plug. But does the reason matter if there is no intimate connection? I know that I do not consider celibacy compatible with my view of marriage. I would not intend to commit to celibacy as part of marriage. So knowing the reason doesn't matter with respect to what must be done - with what I need to do. It's also reasonable to understand that the spouse who doesn't desire you is motivated toward a narrative that conflicts with you being morally absolved.

No one can really be told this, but don't get lost in the fine mince of diagnoses. The absence of desire for sexual expression is the result of a lack of desire for sex with you. Whether it's posed as a general absence of desire (which is how it will present if the avoiding spouse shares your fantasy of a monogamous presentation, but will reignite when you decide to split), or whether it is you alone, and whatever the reasons are - they don't affect the resulting absence of desire for sex with you. If you end the partnership, the disconnection will become more apparent in the years later when you are less invested.

In the dating world, absence of desire for a person happens ALL the time. You might go out for drinks, dinners and coffees with 10 attractive suitors but only feel desire with maybe one or two. You end up friends with the others, or say goodbye. Sometimes you might become less enthusiastic lovers for a while if they initiate, because "Why not?". That's the spot where your spouse lives now, with you. But with most, you don't see them again, and don't give it too much of a thought.

Focusing so much on the reasons for the loss of attraction - it's like bringing the arson forensics squad to investigate a building fully engulfed in flame.  If desire is gone, the house is lost and you aren't going to be sleeping there tonight. Understanding comes later - the clarity WILL come. How the blaze started doesn't change the result.

I completely agree with GeekGoddess.

apocrypha, amazing post and very well said.