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Post by rejected101 on Jan 6, 2017 16:09:30 GMT -5
My understanding of this condition is that asexuals are not attracted sexually to anyone! Therefore I'm guessing that they would never get to the point of initiating or being really incredibly up for sex (albeit they may do it out of duty). At some point between 1 and 2 months my wife is like a woman possessed who wants to have her brains f***ed out. We have sex and then the pattern starts over. Surely this is not asexuality?
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Post by novembercomingfire on Jan 6, 2017 16:14:26 GMT -5
My understanding of this condition is that asexuals are not attracted sexually to anyone! Therefore I'm guessing that they would never get to the point of initiating or being really incredibly up for sex (albeit they may do it out of duty). At some point between 1 and 2 months my wife is like a woman possessed who wants to have her brains f***ed out. We have sex and then the pattern starts over. Surely this is not asexuality? Not from my experience. But then again i am utterly baffled by asexuals and may not grasp the subtlties. |
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Post by baza on Jan 6, 2017 17:24:16 GMT -5
Asexual is another one of those labels that tend to get bandied about in here as buzzwords rather than accurate descriptives.
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Post by beachguy on Jan 6, 2017 17:42:46 GMT -5
If you want to get some insight into asexuality, and all the various flavors, read some threads on the AVEN site, and in particular the subforum dedicated to sexual/asexual relationships (like many of ours). A couple of my observations...
1. Within the asexual community there is much disagreement on the definition of asexuality, and who is even "entitled" to use the label.
2. I read a thread the other day where two different self identifying asexuals admitted to using sex to "manipulate men".
3. Some asexuals are "sex repulsed". Some label themselves as "sex neutral". I think a closet sex neutral could do a lot of manipulating in a LT relationship....
4. Many of the attitudes of self identified asexuals, of all flavors, mirrors the attitudes of many or most of our refusers. In terms of what they say about sex, and etc.
5. Even those claiming to be sex neutral believe that their right not to engage in sex trumps your right to engage in sex. They seem to think having sex is "too traumatic". They generally think having sex once a month or once every other month is quite sufficient (among those that intend to have any sex at all, some think any number is too much of a relationship compromise)
So nothing you've said is contradictory to what I've read there. If your spouse talks like a duck, and acts like a duck, it is very likely your spouse is a duck and not an ostrich or a heron. Just my simple minded world view.
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Post by beachguy on Jan 6, 2017 17:49:35 GMT -5
I want to add to the above:
6. Gray-asexual is called gray for a reason. it is an intentionally nebulous definition that covers the void between hard core asexuality and what you might call "sexual but with a rather low libido" or some such thing.
I don't think your description of your wife wanting sex every month or two is outside the bounds of that definition. Or perhaps see my #2.....
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Post by beachguy on Jan 6, 2017 18:15:17 GMT -5
Just to add to the confusion... there was at least one huge thread arguing over the idea of "sexual desire" verses "sexual attraction". Some asexuals claim that they are sexually attracted to others, but have no desire to actually have sex. Some claim to have sexual desire but they don't experience sexual attraction to anyone. You are welcome to try to figure out that mind-fuck for yourself  . But the point is that if you are looking for a nice tight standard definition that can be explained in one or two sentences, you will be as frustrated in that pursuit as you are in your marriage... ETA: the purpose of the thread was to argue over who is entitled to label themselves as asexual, desire vs attraction and etc. There was even discussion about if someone that has desire and attraction but wanted to label themselves ace anyway was "kosher". baza - Just for clarity, I don't use asexual as a "buzzword". When I say it I mean it, and I have some basis for saying it. That's me, I don't speak for others. A few thoughts on the "rarity" of asexuality. The usual number bandied about is 1%, and I assume that comes from the AVEN site, I have no idea the basis for it. For argument's sake, let's go with 1% for the moment. There are about 60 million married couples in the USA. That does not include a rapidly growing number of long term but unmarried couples, so 60M is very conservative for my purposes. That's 120 MILLION people. If 1% of those spouses are asexual that is 1.2 MILLION aces. And that is just among married couples in the USA. While this is a worldwide site. On this site, we are not a random statistical sampling of married couples. We all have spouses that refuse to have sex with us, and in most cases they show no desire to have sex with anyone else. That just happens to "define" an ace. Coincidental??? There are maybe a hundred active posters on this site, at most. It is not at all statistically unreasonable to assume that a large portion, a majority, or even most of our 100 or so refusers are drawn from that pool of 1.2 million aces. I personally think the 1% is vastly underestimated. For the simple reason that, acccording to the definition created by the asexual community, only an asexual can label themselves as asexuals. But in fact, most people aren't even aware of asexuality. It gets very little press. There are no "ace-pride parades" sponsored by a well funded political movement, like you have with the gay community. In fact, in the modern age, there is some cache to being gay. None of that exists in the asexual community, even among self identified aces. And because there is a lot of social shame behind asexuality, more like it was 40 years ago before the gay movement got going, it is very reasonable to assume that the vast majority of aces are still well in the closet and they will be until they unify politically. And face the same consequences that gays do when they come out of the closet and their spouses quickly divorce them. It would not surprise me if the number of asexuals more approaches the number of SMs, which in the USA alone probably approaches 10-15 million. I'm not trying to peg a number here. I'm just saying I don't buy the "rarity" claimed by AVEN (by their own definition they must be clueless to the real number) and I think it is more the norm than a rarity among this select group of people which have every reason to be vastly over represented with ace (refusing) partners. |
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Post by baza on Jan 7, 2017 2:39:55 GMT -5
Well while we are muddying the waters, here's another handful of mud to chuck into the mix.
I was just reading an article by some 'expert' who reckons Sexual Addiction" and "Sexual Anorexia" often present in the same person. That is to say, the person is both a sexual addict AND a sexual anorexic.
It is suppossed to work like this -
The afflicted person will root like a rattlesnake with another person (or persons) at frenetic pace for a short while (the addict phase).
Then, full of remorse / guilt / fear they shut up shop completely (the anorexic stage)
Then repeat at unpredictable frequencies.
I have concluded, today, whilst necking a few brews that I am fucking sick of refusers and their piss weak "whys" and problems.
They ought just fuck off for 3 to 5 years, sort their shit out - if they want to - and then you could re-convene with them and see what, if anything, they then had to offer, and what you then had to offer too, because you would have changed a whole lot yourself being free of the poisonous environment and their idiocy for long enough to regain your senses.
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Post by eternaloptimism on Jan 7, 2017 2:52:23 GMT -5
Well while we are muddying the waters, here's another handful of mud to chuck into the mix. I was just reading an article by some 'expert' who reckons Sexual Addiction" and "Sexual Anorexia" often present in the same person. That is to say, the person is both a sexual addict AND a sexual anorexic. It is suppossed to work like this - The afflicted person will root like a rattlesnake with another person (or persons) at frenetic pace for a short while (the addict phase). Then, full of remorse / guilt / fear they shut up shop completely (the anorexic stage) Then repeat at unpredictable frequencies. I have concluded, today, whilst necking a few brews that I am fucking sick of refusers and their piss weak "whys" and problems. They ought just fuck off for 3 to 5 years, sort their shit out - if they want to - and then you could re-convene with them and see what, if anything, they then had to offer, and what you then had to offer too, because you would have changed a whole lot yourself being free of the poisonous environment and their idiocy for long enough to regain your senses. I know what you mean baza. Except fuck the 3-5 years, when I get mine gone, gone I want him to stay. If I never clap eyes on the man ever again I will be smiling! |
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Post by Lithium92 on Jan 7, 2017 3:43:05 GMT -5
I've posted on AVEN a lot... Same ID as here. It's full of really nice, overly earnest young people, the majority with some kind of social dysfunction (either diagnosed or just bloody obvious) who spend their time trying to define something they've never done, don't understand and have no interest in doing. Wanting to fuck is broken down a million ways, all of which manage to fundamentally miss the point. And oh dear God the labels, sublabels, categories and subcategories. It's also a site policy that nobody's allowed to disagree if you announce you're whatever it is you think you are, even if it's clearly nonsense. It's a hall of mirrors.
But asexuality boils down to this: asexuals can be as horny and pervy as anyone else, they just have no interest in sharing it with anyone else. Ever. And don't see the point. Some have no libido, some are too repulsed by the very concept that they have to type 's*x' instead of 'sex'.
Beach - the one percent figure is just a slightly informed guess, extrapolated from a study of a few hundred students in the UK that wasn't anything to do with asexuality but somehow managed to harvest the info anyway. Other estimates put it at between 0.8% and 8%, which in statistical terms is basically 'fuck knows'.
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Post by rejected101 on Jan 18, 2017 4:14:19 GMT -5
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Post by rejected101 on Jan 21, 2017 7:33:23 GMT -5
I've posted on AVEN a lot... Same ID as here. It's full of really nice, overly earnest young people, the majority with some kind of social dysfunction (either diagnosed or just bloody obvious) who spend their time trying to define something they've never done, don't understand and have no interest in doing. Wanting to fuck is broken down a million ways, all of which manage to fundamentally miss the point. And oh dear God the labels, sublabels, categories and subcategories. It's also a site policy that nobody's allowed to disagree if you announce you're whatever it is you think you are, even if it's clearly nonsense. It's a hall of mirrors. But asexuality boils down to this: asexuals can be as horny and pervy as anyone else, they just have no interest in sharing it with anyone else. Ever. And don't see the point. Some have no libido, some are too repulsed by the very concept that they have to type 's*x' instead of 'sex'. Beach - the one percent figure is just a slightly informed guess, extrapolated from a study of a few hundred students in the UK that wasn't anything to do with asexuality but somehow managed to harvest the info anyway. Other estimates put it at between 0.8% and 8%, which in statistical terms is basically 'fuck knows'. There's a lot of anti sex people on that site. From sex repulsed to lacking desire to missing an ability to be attracted to anyone. Clearly there's a lot of genuine people on there but also many fakes who think it's cool to be in the club, or whom have significant social inadeqacies, or are simply so unattractive that sex will not be an option for years and years. Better to hide behind asexuality than admit you're trying but failing. |
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Post by rejected101 on Jan 21, 2017 7:44:30 GMT -5
I've posted on AVEN a lot... Same ID as here. It's full of really nice, overly earnest young people, the majority with some kind of social dysfunction (either diagnosed or just bloody obvious) who spend their time trying to define something they've never done, don't understand and have no interest in doing. Wanting to fuck is broken down a million ways, all of which manage to fundamentally miss the point. And oh dear God the labels, sublabels, categories and subcategories. It's also a site policy that nobody's allowed to disagree if you announce you're whatever it is you think you are, even if it's clearly nonsense. It's a hall of mirrors. But asexuality boils down to this: asexuals can be as horny and pervy as anyone else, they just have no interest in sharing it with anyone else. Ever. And don't see the point. Some have no libido, some are too repulsed by the very concept that they have to type 's*x' instead of 'sex'. Beach - the one percent figure is just a slightly informed guess, extrapolated from a study of a few hundred students in the UK that wasn't anything to do with asexuality but somehow managed to harvest the info anyway. Other estimates put it at between 0.8% and 8%, which in statistical terms is basically 'fuck knows'. There's a lot of anti sex people on that site. From sex repulsed to lacking desire to missing an ability to be attracted to anyone. Clearly there's a lot of genuine people on there but also many fakes who think it's cool to be in the club, or whom have significant social inadeqacies, or are simply so unattractive that sex will not be an option for years and years. Better to hide behind asexuality than admit you're trying but failing. I forgot to mention one of the threads that talked about 'missing physical touch' (not sex just touch like a cuddle). One person answers with get a dog as they are great to cuddle and then followed up with 'volunteer at a children's hospital and the kids all hug you. My eyes have been opened to a new kind of weird. |
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Post by Apocrypha on Jan 21, 2017 13:28:02 GMT -5
I've posted on AVEN a lot... Same ID as here. It's full of really nice, overly earnest young people, the majority with some kind of social dysfunction (either diagnosed or just bloody obvious) who spend their time trying to define something they've never done, don't understand and have no interest in doing. Wanting to fuck is broken down a million ways, all of which manage to fundamentally miss the point. And oh dear God the labels, sublabels, categories and subcategories. It's also a site policy that nobody's allowed to disagree if you announce you're whatever it is you think you are, even if it's clearly nonsense. It's a hall of mirrors. In the present ideological climate in which the authority to express one's perspective on any matter is granted through the currency of a recognized group marginalization, kids are encouraged to describe their evolving habits in this manner. They mince their sexual pecadiloes in the language of a collective identity and embrace their habits as some kind of "condition" to which they are subject. By grouping their behaviors this way, or simply stating their behaviors this way (like, I'm really into redheads), they can buy enough authority within their tribe to feel entitled enough to speak. Because the culture prevents anyone from challenging their assertion (this is "violence"), sexuality, unlike race or visible disability, is a multipass card that allows them to say "Speaking as a..." The discussion and dueling over collective labels for individual preference and habits reminds me of those clickbait articles, like "20 Kinds of Office Bullies, #7 Will BLOW your MIND". These articles serve to validate existing feelings at being mistreated, affording the reader a feeling of superiority that gives us smug pleasure, or generously, a bit of sympathy for the other. "Learning" about the problem gives us the feeling of agency and control in a situation in which we have none. Like learning about cancer, with a stage 4 diagnosis. We can get wrapped in discussing all kinds of magic cures, like drinking lemon juice or throwing out our bed mattress - but the goal is to "feel" that we are doing something. Even if we aren't. |
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Post by Lithium92 on Jan 21, 2017 13:38:06 GMT -5
You'd better not go near Tumblr's asexuality blogs then...
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Post by Deleted on Jan 21, 2017 13:54:17 GMT -5
I always thought of asexuality as a type of non gender attraction. I looked at as similar to someone who was heterosexual, bisexual, or homosexual. I just thought that perhaps they were in a spectrum. With the recent threads on here, I've found myself researching it out of curiosity.
The more I look into it, it seems like a label for a type of psychological problem. It's definitely not a healthy view. Sexuality is a basic emotion in animals and people. I think it may be more of a psychosis. I would gather that there was childhood trauma in many of these peoples' past.
I have no problems with other types of sexuality. But these people are truly unhealthy individuals when they engage in relationships with sexual people under the guise of being sexual themselves. How many on here are married to these type of people? Was there a bait and switch done to hook their current partners?
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. But the point is that if you are looking for a nice tight standard definition that can be explained in one or two sentences, you will be as frustrated in that pursuit as you are in your marriage...
