|
|
Post by Apocrypha on Jan 21, 2017 14:08:35 GMT -5
I have no problems with other types of sexuality. But these people are truly unhealthy individuals when they engage in relationships with sexual people under the guise of being sexual themselves. How many on here are married to these type of people? Was there a bait and switch done to hook their current partner. It could help to take a practical view of the matter from the perspective of the person who is either assigned, or claims, the title of aesexual. From their perspective, their sexuality is how they feel, and is normal. A fully diabolical cognizant aesexual will present behaviour AND a perspective that is entirely indivisible from a person who IS sexual, but who simply doesn't desire their partner, for reasons, or for no cognizant reason. In fact, if they aren't thinking about sex with other people because they are as invested in their celibate marriage as you are, they may well believe that they are aesexual, and then discover that they aren't, once free of the marriage. This is what I found with Mrs Apocrypha. This is also what I have found with quite a few other women I have dated, post-separation. So knowing or applying this label to the behavior of not having or wanting sex with you, doesn't really change the options available to you, nor the outcome. |
|
|
|
Post by Apocrypha on Jan 21, 2017 14:13:50 GMT -5
You'd better not go near Tumblr's asexuality blogs then... I have a scholarly interest in the fashions of authoritarian identity politics, ideologies, moral panics, illiberalism, tribalism, and popular delusions in a historical context. Those blogs and others are quite fascinating to me. |
|
|
|
Post by csl on Jan 21, 2017 15:50:24 GMT -5
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jan 21, 2017 16:45:06 GMT -5
apocrypha,
This is not a knock against you but why are you attracting these people? Do you have asexual leanings yourself? I'm not criticizing you. Apparently, you can still want sex and be asexual. It's definitely a quagmire of definitions and behaviors.
When I was dating, the women I dated were sexual. Even after we broke up, I would still have sex with them. It was usually something else that caused problems in my relationships. I did not want marriage and needed to grow up in other areas of my life. I realize that now. Sex is not everything but I do need that aspect to be in a relationship. If I knew someone was even close to asexual, I would hit the door running. I need sex for bonding and emotional comfort. I enjoy sex in a monogamous context between two people sharing in the moment.
My wife was sexual with me most of our marriage. If she presented something asexual within the first five years, I would have left. My problems started about 16 years into the marriage. I'm a lot to blame and the wife has her part. When I read some of the stories on here, I assume that there are some people in this forum living with an asexual. It looks like a true bait and switch that happened to them.
|
|
|
|
Post by Apocrypha on Jan 21, 2017 17:30:16 GMT -5
why are you attracting these people? Do you have asexual leanings yourself? When I was dating, the women I dated were sexual. Even after we broke up, I would still have sex with them. It was usually something else that caused problems in my relationships. I did not want marriage and needed to grow up in other areas of my life. I realize that now. Sex is not everything but I do need that aspect to be in a relationship. If I knew someone was even close to asexual, I would hit the door running. I need sex for bonding and emotional comfort. I enjoy sex in a monogamous context between two people sharing in the moment. I'm dating man at age 46. At this age, many of the women I'm dating are separated or divorced, and one was still in what is now a mutually "refusing" marriage - running 2 years totally celibate now. Among the women I've dated who are separated or divorced from their male or female partners - they've obviously had dysfunctional marriages - for a variety of reasons, which ended in divorce. A result - somewhere along the line - in uncoupling from that part of the relationship, they've lost desire for their spouse. During the relationship, they perceived it as a loss of interest in sex. This was because they were invested in the idea of monogamy, and sex is what they had with their spouse. Once the relationship was ended and monogamy with their partner (who they didn't desire) clearly wasn't a factor, suddenly they imagined having sex again. I entered the picture. I met women who I enjoyed and who I wanted to have sex with, and we had sex. Not that complicated. Now, you want to not only pin "aesexual" on these women who want to have sex with me, and do. And you also think I might be aesexual? Is this some kind of aesexual McCarthyism going on here? I have also met women who obviously have complicated sexuality - many red flags for me. In those cases, I have put considerable limits on the nature of the relationship I explore with them. I'm genuinely curious - why is it important to you to define these women, or me, as aesexual? ![]() imgflip.com/i/1i3kiw![]() |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jan 21, 2017 20:02:27 GMT -5
apocrypha,
I'm not defining you. I just find it hard to believe there are that many asexuals in the world.
You seem to mention running into them quite often. I would chalk it up to confirmation bias. I'm actually very liberal and accepting of people. I don't care what people ingest or do with their lives. What I don't appreciate is when there is no honesty in relationships. Both parties should know what there getting into without deception.
In my dating experiences when I was younger, I never encountered an asexual. My girlfriends were just as open to sex as I was. This was in the 80s , so maybe times have changed.
My problem with this whole ideal of asexual is them coupling with people who have regular sexual tendencies. Then they put the needs of their sexual spouse for sex as a deviation from the norm. When in reality there the ones with unhealthy emotional issues. This is my main problem. I think also the term asexual may just be a catchall phrase ascribed to someone who has emotional problems or past abuse in their life.
Of course sometimes a fuck is just a fuck. I'll give you that. In my life, I've been attracted just sexually to a woman and it was the same for them. We had sex but it was with a mutual understanding between us. I still find emotional sex much more rewarding. When you're 18-25 and the wind blows and you got an erection, life can be difficult. I had a very high sex drive. It was probably one of the reason that I was adverse to getting married. Now as I get older, I find that there is a depth that happens in mature healthy relationships sexually. There is scientific evidence to back this up. It's healthy for us to have sex throughout our life.
I'm not criticizing you for your choices. But I'm going to try to have an open and honest dialogue with you. I want to understand where you're coming from.
|
|
|
|
Post by Apocrypha on Jan 22, 2017 2:00:45 GMT -5
I'm not defining you. I just find it hard to believe there are that many asexuals in the world. You seem to mention running into them quite often. . I never said I run into women who are aesexuals. Aside from Mrs Apocrypha, who locked onto the "low libido" narrative while running two boyfriends and a husband in marriage, and running two boyfriends plus dating in the post-marriage (and that's what I know). As far as the women I'm dating go, I said I've run into women who end up celibate in their marriages. Cases where they thought they were off sex while they were in the dysfunctional marriage but then realized once out of that deal that they actually LIKE sex. They aren't "low libido" or "aesexual" at all. They just didn't desire their spouse, or the conditions of the sex (that condition being married). I also don't believe there are that many true aesexuals in the world. |
|
|
|
Post by baza on Jan 22, 2017 2:23:56 GMT -5
There was a thread a few months ago.
In it, someone had done some research and that led to quoting the rate at app 1,000 in 100,000.
And, that of that 1,000, 700 were female, 300 male.
Dunno how credible these figures are.
But, if you've been snared by one, I guess the odds are meaningless.
|
|
|
|
Post by beachguy on Jan 22, 2017 6:55:42 GMT -5
They just didn't desire their spouse, or the conditions of the sex (that condition being married). I also don't believe there are that many true aesexuals in the world. And I would argue that anyone that doesn't like sex within a marriage is highly sexually dysfunctional. There is no evidence yet that your wife is not one of those. No matter how many fuck toy dildos she surrounds herself with. You might not like the "asexual" label but a rose by any other name is still a rose... |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jan 22, 2017 11:09:49 GMT -5
beachguy
I agree with your point about sex in marriage. There are plenty of healthy marriage relationships that have healthy sex throughout marriage.
Now if your spouse is a cold fish or a lame fuck then maybe there's a problem. But if you're a giving lover and keep yourself nice, then there is no reason why a couple can not have a healthy sex life throughout their marriage. There is a great benefit to a monogamous relationship where each on takes care of the other one physically and emotionally.
The unfortunate part is that most of us in this forum are with someone who is sexually dysfunctional. We're dysfunctional in our own way because we stay. No healthy individual would stay married if their needs were not met.
This forum is a crossroads for many people. When you get here, you're in a bad place. Not only that, you have to make a decision if you want to continue doing the same thing. You can see where the choices lead by the others who have gone before.
|
|
|
|
Post by Apocrypha on Jan 22, 2017 11:14:19 GMT -5
They just didn't desire their spouse, or the conditions of the sex (that condition being married). I also don't believe there are that many true aesexuals in the world. And I would argue that anyone that doesn't like sex within a marriage is highly sexually dysfunctional. There is no evidence yet that your wife is not one of those. No matter how many fuck toy dildos she surrounds herself with. You might not like the "asexual" label but a rose by any other name is still a rose... I guess it depends on who you are married to. If the person you are married to isn't someone you dig, or if marriage itself feels like a trap, then you likely aren't going to want to have sex in those conditions. The problem with testing your label on the specific kind of "not-wanting-to-bang-me" is that Mrs Apocrypha and I don't like to get married all that often, so we don't have a good frame of comparison with which to test whether her not wanting to bang me is because she is "aesexual". I can tell you in the post-marriage, separation - she still does not appear to want any sex with me either and. So, that's the closest I have to test your label. But as you say, a rose by any other name ... regardless of what else Mrs Apocrypha does or doesn't do - one thing is sure. She doesn't want any sex with me. |
|
|
|
Post by Lithium92 on Jan 22, 2017 11:27:31 GMT -5
It hangs on what you mean by dysfunctional. The DSM definition is (roughly) persistent behaviour(s) that causes stress to that person for at least six months. So Hypoactive Sexual Disorder (I think that's the right title) is a disorder only if lack of sexual desire causes wider problems for someone, like relationship breakdown, depression, etc., not because of no inclination for sex per se. If nobody's bothered by it, it's not a disorder. If neither spouse wanted sex within a marriage, how would it help anything to label them both sexually dysfunctional? I dislike pathologising things just because they're not the norm.
|
|
|
|
Post by beachguy on Jan 22, 2017 12:33:04 GMT -5
It hangs on what you mean by dysfunctional. The DSM definition is (roughly) persistent behaviour(s) that causes stress to that person for at least six months. So Hypoactive Sexual Disorder (I think that's the right title) is a disorder only if lack of sexual desire causes wider problems for someone, like relationship breakdown, depression, etc., not because of no inclination for sex per se. If nobody's bothered by it, it's not a disorder. If neither spouse wanted sex within a marriage, how would it help anything to label them both sexually dysfunctional? I dislike pathologising things just because they're not the norm. There has never been any discussion here about mutually agreeable celibacy. In fact, in every case here we have "relationship breakdown, depression, etc." to the Nth degree. Maybe you've spent too much time on AVEN where they argue that an outlying 1% is "the new normal" LOL If every marriage were sexless, we would have total chaos. Almost every marriage would be in imminent threat of divorce. I can't view that as "normal". All of our marriages are dysfunctional and most of them would be even if "everything was great bar the sex", at least until the enforced celibacy sent the marriage into a nose dive. So if dysfunctional marriages are the typical end result of "no inclination for sex" then I think it is hard to argue that that is not dysfunctional. |
|
|
|
Post by Lithium92 on Jan 22, 2017 12:43:24 GMT -5
More than possible.
Something not being the norm (in the sense of quantitively in the majority) doesn't make it dysfunctional though.
I don't have a car. That's not the norm, but it doesn't make me dysfunctional.
|
|
|
|
Post by beachguy on Jan 22, 2017 12:47:37 GMT -5
And I would argue that anyone that doesn't like sex within a marriage is highly sexually dysfunctional. There is no evidence yet that your wife is not one of those. No matter how many fuck toy dildos she surrounds herself with. You might not like the "asexual" label but a rose by any other name is still a rose... I guess it depends on who you are married to. If the person you are married to isn't someone you dig, or if marriage itself feels like a trap, then you likely aren't going to want to have sex in those conditions. The problem with testing your label on the specific kind of "not-wanting-to-bang-me" is that Mrs Apocrypha and I don't like to get married all that often, so we don't have a good frame of comparison with which to test whether her not wanting to bang me is because she is "aesexual". I can tell you in the post-marriage, separation - she still does not appear to want any sex with me either and. So, that's the closest I have to test your label. But as you say, a rose by any other name ... regardless of what else Mrs Apocrypha does or doesn't do - one thing is sure. She doesn't want any sex with me. Like you, I experienced at least enforced sexlessness from the very day after the wedding. There is something very wrong with marrying someone you don't "dig", particularly when you were fucking their brains out the day before. I'm willing to lump that into asexuality, you are not. No, you cannot test my hypothesis. Yet. And for that reason I don't see how you can insist she is not asexual or dysfunctional in that way. I'm not saying your wife is asexual, I'm saying you can't rule it out, for lack of evidence. I'm also saying that your wife's historical behavior fits perfectly the stories I read on AVEN, by people that identify as such. In fact, the stories I read here mostly fit perfectly the stories I read on AVEN, as stated by "the other half". Perhaps that is purely coincidental but Occam says otherwise. The fact that she advertises for Asian dildos on Craig's List does not make her sexual. It could just as easily be that she is advertising for dildos that will take her out to dinner and provide other valuable Acts Of Service rather than buying one on Amazon or in a sex shop. Keeping in mind that masturbation does not preclude asexuality, and by extension, there are other forms of masturbation other than the "usual". |
|
