The whore card

I agree exactly. My H has suggested I find someone else to kiss. He misses the point I want to kiss HIM. The person I love. I don't think anyone understands how the continued rejection feels.

Oh we all understand it too well rich fairy!
I've not caught your posts yet, but hello!!
Welcome to the mad house...
Youve totally come to he right place for understanding
X

It would appear that the "everything is great bar the sex" facade is cracking.

Invariably in here we are talking about dysfunctional marriages - usually of at least 5 years duration - and (unsurprisingly) there being unsatisfactory sex.

Most people arrive here saying - "everything is great bar the sex".
And then, as their story unfolds the core dysfunctionality is revealed.
Invariably, everything is NOT so great, plus there is not even some half decent sex to compensate.

Suggestion.
Keep writing. Uncover what is REALLY going on in your deal.
Invariably, the sexual aspects are the symptom of a far deeper malaise.

I'd agree.  I have only been here a short time, but it is like opening a floodgate.

Talking with friends and family is great.  They are usually supportive, but they usually don't have not fucking clue about what we are experiencing.

This forum is a godsend, knowing that there are others experiencing the same thing.  Not judging, not preaching, just supporting each other.

I never got a whore card, or a pass as we used to call them, but I took one for myself anyway at the very end. I already knew it was over, so it was technical at best. However, I think it really depends upon what you do with your card. Do you use it to randomly fuck a stranger or a prostitute? Well, that won't solve any intimacy issues. Do you use it to start a long term relationship that will have sex as a focus, but will offer intimacy as well? Do you use it to be with someone who is already a friend and who can fulfill the need for sex as well, someone who truly cares about you and will give you warmth and intimacy even if it is not a lead in to love?

My card was used for the third option and while I knew it was over already with the ADBX refuser, it was a tool that allowed me to be 100% certain that I was making the right choice. It reminded me of what was sorely missing from my marriage. The most basic gestures of affection had been gone for so long, I'd truly forgotten what they were like until my friend reminded me with a full body snuggle. We were fully clothed, but whoa, how amazing it was to have some closeness to someone other than my children, from someone who really cared about me.

The whore card sounds like just a go out and fuck kind of thing, but really it can be much different from that and is really dependent upon the person who is using it. Even with different levels of connectedness, people who use these cards still vary in their plans. Some stay with the refusers because there is love or obligation or children there. Some plan to leave. Some still have no idea what to do because the whore card is satisfying, but it doesn't change the defeat of having a spouse who doesn't care.

I don't tell you any of this to change your mind about the card or try to convince you to do anything. Responses to SM are very individual. This is just some food for thought. Sometimes, it isn't as it seems on the surface and exploration can be very helpful in the decision making process.

Part of the conversation during "the Talk" was that if I wasn't getting sex from her I was going to get from somewhere. This led to a couple of weeks of reset sex, which, of course, petered out. Later she told me she would never say no to me - all I had to do was ask. But having to ask misses the point of sex in a LTR - connection. Kissing her or touching her in the way that used to signal I wanted to be loved, to be connected, just don't work. "May we please have sex?" is not the same as please love me with your body.
Enter the AP. Certainly not the same as the marriage used to be - but close enough. The wife knows that the frequency of sex between us has not really changed, but she doesn't ask about it and I don't tell. A "tacit" whore card - if you will.
This whole scenario started before my granddaughter was born. At one time I did have an exit plan, but I have put it aside for now. That little girl has no other male figure in her life (sperm donor is serving time). There will be no abandonment issues with grandpa.
Over the course of the next year I anticipate things changing for all of us, so who knows what it will bring.

"All I know about life is; it goes on." - Robert Frost

I dont follow. If it is  the lack of sex, which you say, then how is a whore card bad?
At the end  you say that you want wife to have sex for 15 minutes... I dont see much difference with what you would find with the card then the 15 minute deal...

I had permission to find others for sex. It was, and still is the closeness  that I miss. I cant have sex with someone I dont care about, and who cares for me.
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