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Post by nancyb on Dec 18, 2016 8:30:39 GMT -5
Hey jumping in mid thread here because I'm thinking alot about my refuser this morning. He will never change. He is now my STBX, involved in a new relationship, and he tells me he still can't access any libido. HE'S STILL AN ASEXUAL FREAK...and I am ever so happy for him.  |
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Post by beachguy on Dec 18, 2016 10:26:59 GMT -5
Hey jumping in mid thread here because I'm thinking alot about my refuser this morning. He will never change. He is now my STBX, involved in a new relationship, and he tells me he still can't access any libido. HE'S STILL AN ASEXUAL FREAK...and I am ever so happy for him. To be a fly on his bedroom wall... |
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Post by joy6016 on Dec 18, 2016 10:45:45 GMT -5
Well, we get along really well for the most part, still talk a lot (and about important things, not just fluff), can discuss this issue pretty deeply, have shared goals, etc. The problem is that for 5+ years, I wanted nothing more than for him to want me more (sexually, of course). Now I kind of feel like I've detached substantially and I don't even want that anymore. I don't know if that can ever come back or not. I really feel like staying short term is a better idea, but staying long term may not be good at all.  When I was 23, I was in your shoes and 2 years in. Now I'm approaching 50. Over half my life has been spent trying to "fix" the intimacy problem in an otherwise great marriage. It's not fixable. It doesn't get easier to suppress your cravings. It doesn't get easier to leave. You've got a solid 50 years to go. Potential for 5000 intimate moments, if you're average. Most of those will never happen if you stay. That's a huge number to weigh in the balance, and an incalculable amount of lost emotional bonding. No kids? You have a unique opportunity to wipe the slate clean and learn from your past. Where you see a shit sandwich, many of us see you have an incredible opportunity for a fresh start. Most of us slogged through it because we thought we were alone in our plight, that surely it was because of something we were doing wrong. You don't have to. Thank you for reminding me, DryCreek. Seriously, I need to hear this a lot right now to really realize what I'm signing up for for the rest of my life. I also liked that you said "fix the intimacy problem in an otherwise great marriage." I often feel like a lot of people have the sex issue PLUS a lot of other bad stuff, so it's nice to hear that that's not always the case, and that it's not just leaving something 100% bad. That's the major struggle for me, at least. I don't think he's capable of intimacy and sexuality in the way that I would like. I do know that he tries, but I'm basically to the point now that I'm so blah about him/ the situation that it's now hard for me to want to do anything. |
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Post by joy6016 on Dec 18, 2016 10:47:51 GMT -5
joy6016 - it sounds like you are justifying for him. If you have said clearly, over & over, and he changed for a time, a short time - this is reset behavior. It's meant to get you off his back. Shared goals except for the things you say are the only thing you wanted. You can't change the inner workings of a person. I'm channeling Metamomma now- you shouldn't have to cajole, convince, or convert a partner into having sex. If they don't want physical intimacy, they won't wake up one day desiring it in the way you want them to. He is what he is, who he is. He hasn't hidden it & you have told him but then not stood up for what you told him. All I can say is: be true to yourself. He won't change. I don't think our refusers can change. They are who they are. He has shown you who he really is, time & again. I'm definitely justifying, GeekGoddess. I'm also really afraid to lose someone who I know really loves and cares for me, and who I get along well with. I have a lot of fear going on right now... Yet, at the same time, a huge part of me just feels done. It's like I've spend 5+ years chasing someone and wanting them so much, and now I'm over it. I kind of realize that I shouldn't have to beg and do all of this for sexual affection, and I'm just done trying. I will likely still pursue some therapy to hopefully draw some more concrete plans and thoughts, but I'm finding it really hard to look at him in a sexual way anymore. He is who he is, and whether he can't be overly sexual with me based on my reactions, his reactions, the baggage of it all, etc., doesn't really seem to matter. If we haven't dug ourselves out of this issue when it would've been an easy fix, we probably never will. |
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Post by joy6016 on Dec 18, 2016 10:49:00 GMT -5
Hey jumping in mid thread here because I'm thinking alot about my refuser this morning. He will never change. He is now my STBX, involved in a new relationship, and he tells me he still can't access any libido. HE'S STILL AN ASEXUAL FREAK...and I am ever so happy for him. Wow, that's crazy, nancyb. I'm glad for you to be free from that! Not sure my husband would go the same way immediately if we were to become exes, but I do see it eventually coming to this with a new girl. Simply because it happened with his previous exes too. I don't have concrete proof of this, but based on all the cheating, I have a LOT of suspicions.. |
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Post by beachguy on Dec 18, 2016 11:16:28 GMT -5
joy6016 - it sounds like you are justifying for him. If you have said clearly, over & over, and he changed for a time, a short time - this is reset behavior. It's meant to get you off his back. Shared goals except for the things you say are the only thing you wanted. You can't change the inner workings of a person. I'm channeling Metamomma now- you shouldn't have to cajole, convince, or convert a partner into having sex. If they don't want physical intimacy, they won't wake up one day desiring it in the way you want them to. He is what he is, who he is. He hasn't hidden it & you have told him but then not stood up for what you told him. All I can say is: be true to yourself. He won't change. I don't think our refusers can change. They are who they are. He has shown you who he really is, time & again. I'm definitely justifying, GeekGoddess. I'm also really afraid to lose someone who I know really loves and cares for me, and who I get along well with. I have a lot of fear going on right now... Yet, at the same time, a huge part of me just feels done. It's like I've spend 5+ years chasing someone and wanting them so much, and now I'm over it. I kind of realize that I shouldn't have to beg and do all of this for sexual affection, and I'm just done trying. I will likely still pursue some therapy to hopefully draw some more concrete plans and thoughts, but I'm finding it really hard to look at him in a sexual way anymore. He is who he is, and whether he can't be overly sexual with me based on my reactions, his reactions, the baggage of it all, etc., doesn't really seem to matter. If we haven't dug ourselves out of this issue when it would've been an easy fix, we probably never will. It's hard to go 50 years with the same roommate, especially when that wasn't the deal you signed up for. Please never forget that. |
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Post by Deleted on Dec 18, 2016 11:59:28 GMT -5
Hey jumping in mid thread here because I'm thinking alot about my refuser this morning. He will never change. He is now my STBX, involved in a new relationship, and he tells me he still can't access any libido. HE'S STILL AN ASEXUAL FREAK...and I am ever so happy for him. Mmmm my cynical thought of the day. When you meet someone new every thing is positive about them. I wonder if he's blaming or she thinks you drove his libido into the ground and she is thinking I am going to fix this poor man ...... |
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Post by eternaloptimism on Dec 18, 2016 12:05:31 GMT -5
Hey jumping in mid thread here because I'm thinking alot about my refuser this morning. He will never change. He is now my STBX, involved in a new relationship, and he tells me he still can't access any libido. HE'S STILL AN ASEXUAL FREAK...and I am ever so happy for him. Mmmm my cynical thought of the day. When you meet someone new every thing is positive about them. I wonder if he's blaming or she thinks you drove his libido into the ground and she is thinking I am going to fix this poor man ...... Yeah. I'd put cash on that! |
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Post by joy6016 on Dec 18, 2016 13:03:54 GMT -5
I'm definitely justifying, GeekGoddess. I'm also really afraid to lose someone who I know really loves and cares for me, and who I get along well with. I have a lot of fear going on right now... Yet, at the same time, a huge part of me just feels done. It's like I've spend 5+ years chasing someone and wanting them so much, and now I'm over it. I kind of realize that I shouldn't have to beg and do all of this for sexual affection, and I'm just done trying. I will likely still pursue some therapy to hopefully draw some more concrete plans and thoughts, but I'm finding it really hard to look at him in a sexual way anymore. He is who he is, and whether he can't be overly sexual with me based on my reactions, his reactions, the baggage of it all, etc., doesn't really seem to matter. If we haven't dug ourselves out of this issue when it would've been an easy fix, we probably never will. It's hard to go 50 years with the same roommate, especially when that wasn't the deal you signed up for. Please never forget that. Oh, I'm sure of that. The past 5+ have been tougher than they should've been already.. |
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Post by cagedtiger on Dec 18, 2016 14:51:56 GMT -5
When I was talking to my parents yesterday about everything that had gone on, they told me about their own issues and struggles that had developed along the way, how one issue had taken five years to work through, how another had taken almost a decade. My first thought was, "I can't wait 15 years on the off chance she might become an acceptable version of what i want a wife and mother to be." I'm not willing to sideline my own happiness and fulfillment that long when the only thing that we would have to split would be two dogs. There's too much of my life still ahead, and I won't sacrifice future potential awesomeness for what might be slightly ok now.
You're even younger than I am. Better is out there, closer than you think.
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Post by greatcoastal on Dec 18, 2016 14:54:39 GMT -5
When I was talking to my parents yesterday about everything that had gone on, they told me about their own issues and struggles that had developed along the way, how one issue had taken five years to work through, how another had taken almost a decade. My first thought was, "I can't wait 15 years on the off chance she might become an acceptable version of what i want a wife and mother to be." I'm not willing to sideline my own happiness and fulfillment that long when the only thing that we would have to split would be two dogs. There's too much of my life still ahead, and I won't sacrifice future potential awesomeness for what might be slightly ok now. Put This^^^^ in a frame and hang it on your desk! |
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Post by eternaloptimism on Dec 18, 2016 15:00:04 GMT -5
cagedtiger just remember what was right for them isn't necessarily what's right for you. If you have to pull out the big guns with them use the line about her breaking the marriage vows first by not engaging in an intimate relationship with you. In my (severely limited) knowledge of religiousness, God expects regular bedroom antics from his married followers. I think that's right anyway!
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Post by sweetplumeria on Dec 18, 2016 15:04:14 GMT -5
Ask for an open marriage. That way you can both get a boyfriend. Or if you're lucky, one to share. I love this idea! |
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Post by sweetplumeria on Dec 18, 2016 15:18:20 GMT -5
I'd highly advise you NOT to sacrifice your sexuality. It's not small potatoes. ...and even if it is, given enough time, a steady stream of small potatoes can build a mountain. Sex is like water and marriage with kids is like a trek across a dry desert. You're going to need the water for the long journey ahead. My advice is to make damn sure he intends to keep your canteen reasonably full before heading out on that trek. I loved all of the post above, only snipped for ease on the thread... I learned a few years ago my husband used having children to keep me. I was jusy and in need... while I wanted sex it was easy to be distracted by life. It wasnt until I wanted to walk away, that in desperation he offered to give me another kid. In that moment I had the wind knocked out of me with the reality he showed me. Your sex life is unlikely to change unless you both change it. Think about where you want to be in 5 years... because your young now but one day you will be 40 looking at your life wondering where it went. It goes quicker than it seams while your waiting for sex. Tackle the hard stuff its the only way to make progress. |
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Post by nancyb on Dec 18, 2016 15:36:27 GMT -5
Hey jumping in mid thread here because I'm thinking alot about my refuser this morning. He will never change. He is now my STBX, involved in a new relationship, and he tells me he still can't access any libido. HE'S STILL AN ASEXUAL FREAK...and I am ever so happy for him. Mmmm my cynical thought of the day. When you meet someone new every thing is positive about them. I wonder if he's blaming or she thinks you drove his libido into the ground and she is thinking I am going to fix this poor man ...... Bingo...he blames me for everything. He's an asshole thecelt. It is such a disappointment to find that out for certain after 28 years together. It makes me question my judgement but I think that's just warped reasoning brought about by being 'gaslighted' all these years about his sexuality. |
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