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Post by callisto on Dec 10, 2016 14:18:22 GMT -5
And another thing-
Why oh why can't I say to him what I just said here!
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Post by novembercomingfire on Dec 10, 2016 14:18:28 GMT -5
So amazed that these spouses of ours can be so selfish that they won't ok outsourcing. I can't believe my husband would rather loose me than allow me a sexual partner. He would rather loose around 40% of his fortune and the only human being that he says he could share a home with on the planet and loose his in laws whom he loves. In short, rather live alone and much poorer with no company than let me have the freedom to have a male intimate friend. He cannot see past himself despite the fact I know he loves me in a non sexual but many caring ways ... Yes. The selfishness is astonishing and strangling. |
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Post by joy6016 on Dec 10, 2016 16:07:37 GMT -5
Ugh, I'm sorry you're in the same boat here, callisto. I assume you've discussed the male friend thing before? I've never brought it up. It would NEVER be an option and I'm not sure I really want it as an option. I want a relationship that has it all. Not a sad one that I have to have someone on the side. That's just me though. I know different things work for different relationships. [ Joy, yes everyone wants/ needs diff things. If I were in my late 20's I would agree with you- I have missed the boat to have kids( by being in SM sooo long [ a pertinent point and I don't think much discussed here on iliasm is the drop in fertility in women swiftly downwards in their 30s combined with being in a celibate marriage ... women stuck in an SM can miss the chance to have kids] --into my mid 40s - not that it was ever a burning issue for me ). I don't really want to loose what I do have- my home and financial security ..infact I feel pretty pissed off that I might have to sacrifice these things because of husband's selfishness-Would rather stay and meet lover for fun/ holidays/ meals/ doing things-all the stuff my H doesn't want from me. I have discussed it with him and so far, he is not having it - says it will affect his mental health.. I'm sorry, callisto.  I feel you on the financial/life kind of stuff too. It's hard to want to give that up. We do have fun together, so I would miss that too. Isn't he affecting YOUR mental health though?! |
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Post by joy6016 on Dec 10, 2016 16:09:58 GMT -5
So amazed that these spouses of ours can be so selfish that they won't ok outsourcing. I can't believe my husband would rather loose me than allow me a sexual partner. He would rather loose around 40% of his fortune and the only human being that he says he could share a home with on the planet and loose his in laws whom he loves. In short, rather live alone and much poorer with no company than let me have the freedom to have a male intimate friend. He cannot see past himself despite the fact I know he loves me in a non sexual but many caring ways ... I know. It doesn't make sense at all. Unfortunately, we have to make those decisions for ourselves. He will only give up what he wants. If you want the freedom, you'll probably have to do that on your own. |
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Post by joy6016 on Dec 10, 2016 16:10:19 GMT -5
And another thing- Why oh why can't I say to him what I just said here! I wish you could! Being honest helps in feeling like you've done all you can. I'm sure you still have, but I don't want to leave anything undone or unsaid. |
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Post by beachguy on Dec 10, 2016 16:59:44 GMT -5
So amazed that these spouses of ours can be so selfish that they won't ok outsourcing. I can't believe my husband would rather loose me than allow me a sexual partner. He would rather loose around 40% of his fortune and the only human being that he says he could share a home with on the planet and loose his in laws whom he loves. In short, rather live alone and much poorer with no company than let me have the freedom to have a male intimate friend. He cannot see past himself despite the fact I know he loves me in a non sexual but many caring ways ... He can refuse to agree to your outsourcing. Because he can. You can divorce him. Because you can. |
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Post by callisto on Dec 10, 2016 17:13:56 GMT -5
So amazed that these spouses of ours can be so selfish that they won't ok outsourcing. I can't believe my husband would rather loose me than allow me a sexual partner. He would rather loose around 40% of his fortune and the only human being that he says he could share a home with on the planet and loose his in laws whom he loves. In short, rather live alone and much poorer with no company than let me have the freedom to have a male intimate friend. He cannot see past himself despite the fact I know he loves me in a non sexual but many caring ways ... I know. It doesn't make sense at all. Unfortunately, we have to make those decisions for ourselves. He will only give up what he wants. If you want the freedom, you'll probably have to do that on your own. Yes- dreading losing my home and having to worry about money all over again in my life... Is sexual desire worth more than love, comfort,companionship and security. It's one hell of a hard call.. That's why I'm struggling quite so much. Thought I could reflexively ask that same question of spouse but he has yet to give me a straight answer : ( |
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Post by DryCreek on Dec 10, 2016 17:18:03 GMT -5
He can refuse to agree to your outsourcing. Being pedantic, I'll observe that she doesn't need his approval to have an affair, and his recourse is the same as hers presently - divorce. Her complying with his wishes not to have sex with other men... well, it's an awful lot like him complying with her wish to have sex. It's a choice, with a consequence. Or not. Not to suggest that life wouldn't get ugly, but the shoe fits on the other foot just as well... |
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Post by DryCreek on Dec 10, 2016 17:20:15 GMT -5
And another thing- Why oh why can't I say to him what I just said here! I wish you could! Being honest helps in feeling like you've done all you can. I'm sure you still have, but I don't want to leave anything undone or unsaid. I suspect that when we finally have the guts to be that blunt, we will have already checked out if the marriage and put exit plans into motion. That is, it'll be too late for frank conversation. (I'm right there with ya...) |
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Post by callisto on Dec 10, 2016 17:21:07 GMT -5
And another thing- Why oh why can't I say to him what I just said here! I wish you could! Being honest helps in feeling like you've done all you can. I'm sure you still have, but I don't want to leave anything undone or unsaid. I have to take it so slowly though.. H will blow his top and I will have to leave my home if I push him too hard all at once- hoping if he gets used to the idea over time he might ok my request. Actually was wondering about saying to him that all he needs to do is say, 'Yes!' then we can stop these hellish discussions. He hates dealing with things... |
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Post by beachguy on Dec 10, 2016 17:23:25 GMT -5
He can refuse to agree to your outsourcing. Being pedantic, I'll observe that she doesn't need his approval to have an affair, and his recourse is the same as hers presently - divorce. Her complying with his wishes not to have sex with other men... well, it's an awful lot like him complying with her wish to have sex. It's a choice, with a consequence. Or not. Not to suggest that life wouldn't get ugly, but the shoe fits on the other foot just as well... I chose my words carefully. She can do what she wants, including outsourcing. But it is important to her (for good reasons) to get his agreement. |
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Post by thebaffledking on Dec 10, 2016 17:25:29 GMT -5
I know. It doesn't make sense at all. Unfortunately, we have to make those decisions for ourselves. He will only give up what he wants. If you want the freedom, you'll probably have to do that on your own. Yes- dreading losing my home and having to worry about money all over again in my life... Is sexual desire worth more than love, comfort,companionship and security. It's one hell of a hard call.. That's why I'm struggling quite so much. Thought I could reflexively ask that same question of spouse but he has yet to give me a straight answer : ( Calisto, it's WAY more than just 'sexual desire'........it's mental health.........it's refusing the destruction of your life spirit. Oh my GAWD, it's worth EVERYTHING not to be destroyed by another!! GO!! |
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Post by DryCreek on Dec 10, 2016 17:33:07 GMT -5
Exactly. What he deems "normal" and "sexual" is clearly not on the same level as me. I've tried to explain that and he disagrees, but it's painfully obvious. I agree and want the same. I don't get why it's SO difficult... In some cases (like mine), I think she just cannot comprehend the idea of an emotional bond. That the concept is something she has never experienced and can't relate to. The idea of being romantically / emotionally consumed by an experience, where the rest of the world stops and all of your senses are focused on your partner... just doesn't click with them. A kiss at sunset overlooking an amazing vista... is meaningless to them. Making love in a quaint hotel while on vacation in a breathtaking location... is just sex to them. The emotion, sentiment, romance is lost on them. They don't understand it. Not unlike how catnip makes my cat go crazy, but doesn't do so much for me. ;-) |
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Post by beachguy on Dec 10, 2016 17:35:15 GMT -5
Yes- dreading losing my home and having to worry about money all over again in my life... Is sexual desire worth more than love, comfort,companionship and security. It's one hell of a hard call.. That's why I'm struggling quite so much. Thought I could reflexively ask that same question of spouse but he has yet to give me a straight answer : ( Calisto, it's WAY more than just 'sexual desire'........it's mental health.........it's refusing the destruction of your life spirit. Oh my GAWD, it's worth EVERYTHING not to be destroyed by another!! GO!! I don't think it's that simple. callisto's marriage is not nearly as bad as your marriage, outside the sex. At least based on your mutual perceptions and what you've relayed here. We all have different numbers that we plug into the variables, so to speak. |
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Post by callisto on Dec 10, 2016 17:37:49 GMT -5
Yes- dreading losing my home and having to worry about money all over again in my life... Is sexual desire worth more than love, comfort,companionship and security. It's one hell of a hard call.. That's why I'm struggling quite so much. Thought I could reflexively ask that same question of spouse but he has yet to give me a straight answer : ( Calisto, it's WAY more than just 'sexual desire'........it's mental health.........it's refusing the destruction of your life spirit. Oh my GAWD, it's worth EVERYTHING not to be destroyed by another!! GO!! I know - I agree about destruction of my life spirit and mental health ( been feeling pretty much at the end of the track) but I think I should fight for the right to be able to stay in my home, I've spent over 13 years with him so I deserve to keep some comfort. Damn it if after all my efforts and trying to reason with him, if he wants a divorce I've a mind to make him have to fight for it not roll over passively. |
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I feel you on the financial/life kind of stuff too. It's hard to want to give that up. We do have fun together, so I would miss that too.
