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Post by joy6016 on Dec 10, 2016 12:49:35 GMT -5
Is it possible he's NOT asexual and it's just too far gone with only me? Does it matter? I guess not... |
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Post by joy6016 on Dec 10, 2016 12:51:27 GMT -5
Yeah, good point as well, beachguy. I alternate between having a lot of fun with him/him being sweet, and the miserableness of the SM. I hate the limbo more than anything.. I know I have said this already Joy but I am amazed at how similar you feel to me.. It is such a struggle. I have had 3 recent big chats which I have had to steel all my courage and energy for but then everything has reverted back to as you suggest, 'fun and sweetness' against a peculiar backdrop of the stark reality of SM. I am hoping to achieve acceptance of me having a male 'friend'- at the moment my H won't agree but trying to wear him down before he wears me down..I don't see why he shouldn't agree to this but he said, 'I can't imagine any male agreeing to his wife shagging another man!' Ugh, I'm sorry you're in the same boat here, callisto. I assume you've discussed the male friend thing before? I've never brought it up. It would NEVER be an option and I'm not sure I really want it as an option. I want a relationship that has it all. Not a sad one that I have to have someone on the side. That's just me though. I know different things work for different relationships. |
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Post by joy6016 on Dec 10, 2016 12:52:19 GMT -5
He claims he isn't low libido. I know that's laughable to everyone, but it's hard to argue that when that's how he feels. I've come to realize that a huge problem is that their point of reference -- their definition of "normal" -- is very different than ours. They don't know what they don't know. It simply never occurs to them to do the things we desire. From their point of reference, our demands are unreasonable. From W's perspective, she *does* kiss, hug, touch, and have sex. What she doesn't grasp is that she doesn't *want* any of these things. She tolerates them and does them only when she must, but then to the minimum possible - that's her "normal". Meanwhile, I crave a woman who desires me as much as I desire her. Who actually wants to initiate all of the above. It doesn't seem like such a tall order, but for some it's a foreign concept. Sigh. Yes. Exactly. What he deems "normal" and "sexual" is clearly not on the same level as me. I've tried to explain that and he disagrees, but it's painfully obvious. I agree and want the same. I don't get why it's SO difficult... |
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Post by joy6016 on Dec 10, 2016 12:52:47 GMT -5
I know I have said this already Joy but I am amazed at how similar you feel to me.. It is such a struggle. I have had 3 recent big chats which I have had to steel all my courage and energy for but then everything has reverted back to as you suggest, 'fun and sweetness' against a peculiar backdrop of the stark reality of SM. I am hoping to achieve acceptance of me having a male 'friend'- at the moment my H won't agree but trying to wear him down before he wears me down..I don't see why he shouldn't agree to this but he said, 'I can't imagine any male agreeing to his wife shagging another man!' I suggested I pay for an escort last night. He didn't like that! I bet not. Mine wouldn't either. It's hard to not suggest stuff like that when our situations are so ridiculous.  |
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Post by eternaloptimism on Dec 10, 2016 12:54:02 GMT -5
I suggested I pay for an escort last night. He didn't like that! I bet not. Mine wouldn't either. It's hard to not suggest stuff like that when our situations are so ridiculous. I know. I do it just to provoke SOME kind of reaction sometimes. I might start on that one one again tonight! You never know, he might just say yes!! |
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Post by beachguy on Dec 10, 2016 13:17:34 GMT -5
Open Marriages are what some people try to do, in pure desperation, when they feel hopelessly shackled with children and/or finances. It doesn't work. If you present your spouse with "open marriage or divorce" they may agree. But then will later claim they were "coerced" into it. I have a little experience with the futility of this tactic.
"I don't want you but no one else can have you either"
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Post by joy6016 on Dec 10, 2016 13:18:42 GMT -5
I bet not. Mine wouldn't either. It's hard to not suggest stuff like that when our situations are so ridiculous. I know. I do it just to provoke SOME kind of reaction sometimes. I might start on that one one again tonight! You never know, he might just say yes!! Understandable - sometimes I try to just get reactions too. ANYTHING other than the usual stuff. Would you want that?? |
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Post by eternaloptimism on Dec 10, 2016 13:19:29 GMT -5
I know. I do it just to provoke SOME kind of reaction sometimes. I might start on that one one again tonight! You never know, he might just say yes!! Understandable - sometimes I try to just get reactions too. ANYTHING other than the usual stuff. Would you want that?? Yep! |
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Post by eternaloptimism on Dec 10, 2016 13:20:36 GMT -5
Better to get rid of him in reality and do what I like.......But if he said yes I'd be trawling the internet in a heartbeat!
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Post by joy6016 on Dec 10, 2016 13:22:39 GMT -5
Open Marriages are what some people try to do, in pure desperation, when they feel hopelessly shackled with children and/or finances. It doesn't work. If you present your spouse with "open marriage or divorce" they may agree. But then will later claim they were "coerced" into it. I have a little experience with the futility of this tactic. "I don't want you but no one else can have you either" Right. I can't see it being fulfilling very long either. I think it would make me more angry that I had to even go there. I want it all from one person. Well, not ALL, obviously, but I want a fulfilling sex life and good compatibility with one person. I don't think that's asking a lot..?! |
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Post by joy6016 on Dec 10, 2016 13:23:08 GMT -5
Better to get rid of him in reality and do what I like.......But if he said yes I'd be trawling the internet in a heartbeat! I get it. Are you planning to get rid of him? |
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Post by eternaloptimism on Dec 10, 2016 13:26:46 GMT -5
Better to get rid of him in reality and do what I like.......But if he said yes I'd be trawling the internet in a heartbeat! I get it. Are you planning to get rid of him? Sure am joy. I'm currently tending my bollocks...growing them huge and hairy in order to pull off my escape. I've arsed around far too many times. This time it's happening! |
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Post by joy6016 on Dec 10, 2016 13:27:37 GMT -5
I get it. Are you planning to get rid of him? Sure am joy. I'm currently tending my bollocks...growing them huge and hairy in order to pull off my escape. I've arsed around far too many times. This time it's happening! Good for you! I'm glad it's happening.  I hope it goes as well as is possible for you. |
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Post by callisto on Dec 10, 2016 13:34:35 GMT -5
I know I have said this already Joy but I am amazed at how similar you feel to me.. It is such a struggle. I have had 3 recent big chats which I have had to steel all my courage and energy for but then everything has reverted back to as you suggest, 'fun and sweetness' against a peculiar backdrop of the stark reality of SM. I am hoping to achieve acceptance of me having a male 'friend'- at the moment my H won't agree but trying to wear him down before he wears me down..I don't see why he shouldn't agree to this but he said, 'I can't imagine any male agreeing to his wife shagging another man!' Ugh, I'm sorry you're in the same boat here, callisto. I assume you've discussed the male friend thing before? I've never brought it up. It would NEVER be an option and I'm not sure I really want it as an option. I want a relationship that has it all. Not a sad one that I have to have someone on the side. That's just me though. I know different things work for different relationships. [ Joy, yes everyone wants/ needs diff things. If I were in my late 20's I would agree with you- I have missed the boat to have kids( by being in SM sooo long [ a pertinent point and I don't think much discussed here on iliasm is the drop in fertility in women swiftly downwards in their 30s combined with being in a celibate marriage ... women stuck in an SM can miss the chance to have kids] --into my mid 40s - not that it was ever a burning issue for me ). I don't really want to loose what I do have- my home and financial security ..infact I feel pretty pissed off that I might have to sacrifice these things because of husband's selfishness-Would rather stay and meet lover for fun/ holidays/ meals/ doing things-all the stuff my H doesn't want from me. I have discussed it with him and so far, he is not having it - says it will affect his mental health.. |
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Post by callisto on Dec 10, 2016 13:53:56 GMT -5
So amazed that these spouses of ours can be so selfish that they won't ok outsourcing.
I can't believe my husband would rather loose me than allow me a sexual partner.
He would rather loose around 40% of his fortune and the only human being that he says he could share a home with on the planet and loose his in laws whom he loves. In short, rather live alone and much poorer with no company than let me have the freedom to have a male intimate friend.
He cannot see past himself despite the fact I know he loves me in a non sexual but many caring ways ...
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I hope it goes as well as is possible for you.