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Post by joy6016 on Dec 1, 2016 9:38:42 GMT -5
Hi everyone, I'm new here. I've read forums for years and I've now decided that participating might be helpful. Here's my situation in a few points: -We're both young, late 20's/early 30's. We married young and have been together 8 years. Our marriage has been sexless for about 5-6 years. In the beginning, things were really good, but before our wedding, they started decreasing to less and less until we're now doing it about 4-6 times per year. It's not really passionate anymore and we don't do much else besides basic sex, the same way every time. He says he's a sexual person and that he finds me as sexy as ever, but his actions show otherwise. -I'm the one who is "refused," but I feel that it's different than most stories I read on here. He claims it's because things are so weird with the SM and it's hard to make a move. It seems like an excuse to me, but who knows. At this point, I've mostly stopped trying to do anything sexual besides "The Talk" several times per year. It moves things along (no sex but he's nicer) for a few weeks, then it goes back to where it was. -He is the one to initiate now, although it's very rare. I can't bring myself to initiate and get rejected, so I basically wait around. We do small kisses, hug, occasionally hold hands, cuddle a little bit at night, etc., so there's not ZERO affection, but honestly it just doesn't do anything for me. -We've been to counseling a few times and neither of us found it very helpful as a couple. I prefer to go alone and get more out of it. At this point, even my therapist thinks that there isn't much hope and that I'm young and should probably move on. I'm feeling myself detaching and losing any romantic feelings for him whatsoever. It's making me sad, but part of me still has hope that those feelings can return. -He's a great guy. This is the hard part. We get along really well, suit each other really well as far as personalities, and just generally have a pretty solid relationship. As you all know though, once the SM creeps in, it's tough to really have that great of a relationship in general. When I think of leaving, it's really hard to imagine not having him around. Even though we are basically just friends at this point, I would still miss him a lot. -I recently had contact with my ex. Not in person and nothing happened, but it was nice to feel sexy and validated for a little bit of time. My relationship with my husband seems more "cute." He'll say nice things to me but it never feels sexual and it's mainly stuff that your aunt/mom/grandma could say. -I really want to feel desired and have a sexual relationship. I'm so young and don't have kids. Part of me feels like leaving would be a huge mistake and I'm making too big of a deal out of sex. The other part of me knows that I want and need a physical relationship and I don't want a friendship. Any thoughts or opinions from anyone who might have been in a similar situation would be greatly appreciated. Thank you!  |
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Post by wewbwb on Dec 1, 2016 10:20:39 GMT -5
Thank you for sharing.
Welcome to the place you don't want to be.
Please take this for what it is worth.
You may want to give yourself a "deadlne".
If the counseling does not seem to start moving things in a direction you'd like, move on before it becomes harder to do.
The longer one stays - the harder it is to leave.
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Post by wom360 on Dec 1, 2016 10:29:33 GMT -5
For some reason I can't seem to work out what SA is. Sexual aversion? Sexaholics anonymous?
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Post by joy6016 on Dec 1, 2016 10:40:25 GMT -5
Thank you, wewbwb! Definitely not a place I want to be but I'm glad for your input. A deadline is a good idea, and I agree that it's becoming more and more difficult as the years go by. Before I know it, we'll want kids and then it would be 100x worse. I'm not sure how long of a deadline is "enough." I think I keep hoping for more fault so I have more of a reason to go.  |
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Post by joy6016 on Dec 1, 2016 10:41:13 GMT -5
Ahhh thanks for pointing that out, wom360 - total typo on my part. I'm not sure why I was saying SA in my head - I meant SM (sexless marriage). I think my brain is fried from all the analyzing this week. |
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Post by bballgirl on Dec 1, 2016 11:05:19 GMT -5
I can relate to a lot of your story. I would definitely have a timetable and get this worked out. Do not have kids until you do!! I didn't have kids until my thirties, married 23 sexless years. Everything changed after marriage.
Do a lot of reading here and at this point probably your marriage isn't a toxic relationship but if you don't work this out and come to some sort of a compromise then one day you will not like him and it will be toxic.
I would lay your cards on the table and tell him you need sex at least once a week and that's you compromising because you probably want it more.
What's his solution? Then it's up to you guys to want to keep it fresh, make it sexy, and flirty. Again set a timetable if not I know your future and it's better to work this shit out in your twenties and not waste away so many good years.
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Post by wom360 on Dec 1, 2016 11:10:30 GMT -5
Ask for an open marriage. That way you can both get a boyfriend. Or if you're lucky, one to share.
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Post by joy6016 on Dec 1, 2016 11:10:44 GMT -5
Thank you, bballgirl. It seems to be the common opinion that I need a deadline/timetable, which makes sense. I think I've just been hoping that it will improve for so long, and I'll wake up one day and be 50 after hoping for 25+ years. My feelings are definitely shifting for him. I still think he's great as a person, but it's REALLY hard to imagine being sexual with him at this point. Again, it's more like a friendship. Not much flirting (again, beyond anything that feels friendly - it doesn't do anything for me), sexting, and of course, no sexuality on a married level. I've definitely been very angry, depressed, and over it. It comes and goes. He certainly knows how important this is for me. His solution is that he doesn't know how to fix this, but he wants to be with me and will never leave. He says the feelings are there, but things are so weird that it's hard to act on them. He said he feels my vibe of being shut down as well.
It's like, I want to have a sexual relationship, yet can't picture it with him although I do love him. I suppose I should set that deadline and then do everything I can to give it one last try.
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Post by joy6016 on Dec 1, 2016 11:12:06 GMT -5
It's definitely an option that I've read about, wom360 - but I don't think it's for me. He would NEVER be okay with that, and I think it would make me too sad. By saying both get a boyfriend, are you implying that he's gay?
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Post by wom360 on Dec 1, 2016 11:12:48 GMT -5
Does he seem unusually well dressed?
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Post by joy6016 on Dec 1, 2016 11:21:22 GMT -5
Not at all! I really, truly don't think he's gay. I almost wish he was for a reason. I've gone through all the options of "why" in the past, but I don't believe that's it. Nor is he cheating. There's really not much of an explanation, unfortunately.
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Post by jim44444 on Dec 1, 2016 12:09:34 GMT -5
Not at all! I really, truly don't think he's gay. I almost wish he was for a reason. I've gone through all the options of "why" in the past, but I don't believe that's it. Nor is he cheating. There's really not much of an explanation, unfortunately If he is gay, cheating, is asexual, has mommy issues, a drug problem or any other reason/excuse does not matter. The why never matters. Only your response to your SM matters. Can you live another year or 5 or 50 with this dynamic? If no then you must change it. Your husband has no incentive to initiate a change. He is happy with the current relationship. I agree with bballgirl, do not get pregnant. Kids, as beautiful as they are, cannot fix an SM. They can only make things more difficult. A timetable is good but an exit plan is essential. Start by seperating your finances as much as you can, save up an emergency fund to use to setup a new household. Everything you will need to live single again. |
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Post by Chatter Fox on Dec 1, 2016 12:19:07 GMT -5
It sucks that you are in this boat too. Trust me, I know how it feels. It's not fun.
The good news is that I see a lot of positives to your story.
1.) You are still young (as you mentioned)
2.) You don't have kids yet (as you mentioned)
3.) You found us while numbers 1 and 2 above are still true
4.) You've put in a LOT of effort to turn this around already
I agree with everyone else. I'd set a deadline and stick to it. Also, as you stated, you'll definitely want to sort this out before having kids.
Have you told him that this may be a deal breaker for you? Have you told him that you've thought about leaving? It seems that despite your efforts, things aren't really sticking. Maybe he doesn't realize what's at stake? I'm not suggesting that you tell him this stuff today. I'm just suggesting that you think about informing him of how badly this is effecting you. Mentioning that you are unhappy enough to consider leaving is a big step though of course. It's not something you can undo either. At some point though, if you are really truly to the point where one foot is out the door and the other isn't far behind, my advice would be to let him know that the problem is THAT important for you. That way, he can at least have one last chance and he won't be blind sided. He won't be able to say that he didn't know. If you decide that you want to take the step to tell him how serious it is, you may be best to deliver this news before you get to the point where you have become the one that has lost all interest. Once that happens, it's really hard to get yourself to want to put yourself out there and try. It's a tough call of when to put all your cards on the table and just tell him that if you two can't get things working that you intend to leave. In my opinion though, I think it seems as though things are at a critical point for you, so it may be in your best interest to just put it all out there and force it to a resolution MUCH sooner rather than later.
Anyway, I'm glad you found us. There's lots of good advice in here and in EP. I wish I would have found this group when I was in your shoes. By the time I had found this group, I was 10 years in and had 2 kids. Whatever you do, I'd highly advise you NOT to sacrifice your sexuality. It's not small potatoes. ...and even if it is, given enough time, a steady stream of small potatoes can build a mountain. Sex is like water and marriage with kids is like a trek across a dry desert. You're going to need the water for the long journey ahead. My advice is to make damn sure he intends to keep your canteen reasonably full before heading out on that trek.
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Post by joy6016 on Dec 1, 2016 12:38:40 GMT -5
jim44444, you are right. The why really doesn't matter. I think it might help me feel more justified in leaving, but that's about all it would do. I definitely don't want another 5-50 years of this. I feel like so much of me has already died because of it, even though *most* everything else is good in the relationship. The SM takes over and it's almost like the rest barely matters. Definitely no kids. We even started looking at bigger houses and I told him that I couldn't move forward right now. I've started the exit plan somewhat - looking at my budget, rentals, etc., so I know what to do should it come to that sooner than later.
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Post by joy6016 on Dec 1, 2016 12:43:16 GMT -5
beeman - thank you for your kind words. He definitely knows this is a dealbreaker. If we've had one talk, we've literally had HUNDREDS. Of course, some of those times it was mostly just venting anger, but I've said for so long that I can't do this as-is forever. In the last couple weeks, the talks have become more serious, and he definitely knows this. He has tried to be more outgoing and a little more touchy, which only makes me see the lack of passion and sexuality in our relationship more. If he wasn't so nice, and I knew it was mutual or he wouldn't be crushed, I would probably be long gone. Even though he knows all of this and things are still not good, I feel like I need to give it one more chance. It hurts so much to feel like you're throwing away something that COULD be amazing, if it didn't lack so much. I know that doesn't make much sense. Again, the problem there is my dwindling romantic feelings towards him at all. Part of me wishes he would just end it and let me go.. I appreciate your help and the help of this group! I really don't want to sacrifice my sexuality, and while it's not EVERYTHING, it's very important to me. I think it's worth fighting for, whether with him or not. Thank you again. |
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