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Post by eternaloptimism on Dec 1, 2016 14:10:35 GMT -5
Thank you, eternaloptimism! I appreciate your kind words. I don't want to settle for this and by being here, I'm definitely towards the end of my rope and he knows it. What do you mean by naivety and manipulation? Thank you for helping me to find my way. The help from you all in just a few hours has been amazing! It's not support that I can really get from people who a) haven't been through this, b) are my parents and it's weird. I feel some fault for not being able to be stronger or something. It's weird but I'm working through those feelings. Thank you again. <3 Naivety on our part...we believe we can fix/change/help whatever is causing our other half to not want us. Forget it. Been living that lie too long to tolerate it any more. If he wanted to change he would. Manipulation...them giving us false hope, false promises, false everything in order to keep us trapped and feeling like things will change. Making us feel guilty when necessary, threatening all sorts to keep us trapped. This is all came clear to me through this place. Honestly, an educational eye opener this is! x |
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Post by beachguy on Dec 1, 2016 14:14:46 GMT -5
beachguy - Good point. I do feel that he tries to put it on me, or always say "I see it's all my fault" and get defensive. Well, it's not, but when you're the only one who seems to be trying, it sure feels like it's all his fault. He didn't have an excuse early on, you're right. He would just get upset and cry and vow to change back then. Regardless, it's hard to leave an otherwise good person. I always assumed splitting would involve something "worse"... " I always assumed splitting would involve something "worse".." Give it time. You've only been in this 5-6 years. Most of us have been in this for 20-30 years. We know the inevitable downward spiral that is your future. We can jump up and down and scream but it's difficult to articulate the Hell that is your future. The biggest mistake I made early on is assuming the misery of my current marriage would continue on forever in a linear fashion. I never extrapolated out the downward spiral. |
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Post by thebaffledking on Dec 1, 2016 15:46:04 GMT -5
It's definitely an option that I've read about, wom360 - but I don't think it's for me. He would NEVER be okay with that, and I think it would make me too sad. By saying both get a boyfriend, are you implying that he's gay? When I was 19 years old and my brother 21, my father informed all of us that he was gay. He and mom split up of course. It happens. It's not out of the question. Most men want sex all the time. Every man on this site (and say each of us represents an army of millions upon millions more who aren't registered on forums) wants sex all the time, with our monogamous love..........the fact that your man doesn't, for whatever "weird" reason, speaks volumes. Not saying he's gay, but it's broke and unlikely to be fixed. I'm really sorry to say that, but as you'll read and go through the months (hopefully not years) ahead, you'll see that pattern again and again and again........and yet again. It SUCKS to be here....... Deadline, and don't let hope keep blowing back and back and back. I have made that mistake and now I'm really mindfucked and trying desperately to inform my refuser that the marriage is over. It gets MUCH worse from where you are now.......so really think hard about this. It's your LIFE and you're still young! |
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Post by joy6016 on Dec 1, 2016 15:49:04 GMT -5
You're right, eternaloptimism. I think I'm closer than ever to leaving, so it's making me question things even more than ever. I want to be really, 100% sure that it's not fixable. Because as you've said, the manipulation, false hopes and promises have led me to believe, SOMEWHERE, that it's still possible.
I have to get real and realize that that is probably about 99% unlikely. He also likes to say that I'm being negative by assuming that it's not going to work out before we even try. I'm not being negative, simply observing patterns that have not - and likely will not - ever change.
This is definitely eye-opening!
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Post by joy6016 on Dec 1, 2016 15:50:13 GMT -5
Ugh, that's really sad, beachguy. What were the reasons for staying? I guess it just gets more difficult as 20, 30, years pass...
Why do you think things get so much worse? I guess I can relate on a small scale because the issue at 6-12 months was nothing like it is now, 6 years later. My feelings for him at that time were still very positive, loving and romantic.
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Post by joy6016 on Dec 1, 2016 15:53:58 GMT -5
Hi, thebaffledking - thank you for sharing your story and insights! I really appreciate it. I can see what you mean about being gay, or whatever it could be. Anything is possible. Was it surprising that your father was?
That's been my issue this whole time - why does he not want sex? He's a guy! I get that not every guy is going to have a raging sex drive, but shouldn't it be more than it is? He was also cheated on repeatedly by past girlfriends, which makes me think that he withheld intimacy there as well. I don't condone their actions, but that does say something. I really don't get it. And how can he keep saying he does want me, I'm sexy, he has a huge sex drive, etc., when NOTHING points to that.
What if he just can't show it? He definitely has an emotionally stunted family and trouble expressing things at times. I shouldn't give him the benefit of the doubt there because I know, from our first few months together, that he's more than capable of having a sexual relationship...
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Post by eternaloptimism on Dec 1, 2016 15:56:13 GMT -5
You are fortunate to have twigged that your situation is wrong so early joy6016. You have such an excellent chance of getting free and finding what you really really need from life... that may or may not include another husband. But none of us is getting out of this alive. The clock ticks. Think about how much pain you could save each other. If you are both good people, just mismatches, there is no shame in letting the other go to seek a better life. No blame. Just 2 grown ups intelligent enough to realise they made an off decision Claim the rest of your life back. Xx |
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Post by cagedtiger on Dec 1, 2016 16:00:30 GMT -5
You're right, eternaloptimism. I think I'm closer than ever to leaving, so it's making me question things even more than ever. I want to be really, 100% sure that it's not fixable. Because as you've said, the manipulation, false hopes and promises have led me to believe, SOMEWHERE, that it's still possible. I have to get real and realize that that is probably about 99% unlikely. He also likes to say that I'm being negative by assuming that it's not going to work out before we even try. I'm not being negative, simply observing patterns that have not - and likely will not - ever change. This is definitely eye-opening! Building on that: just got back from my therapist, where we were just talking about the patterns that my wife exhibits, and how resistant she really is to any real change. Have you asked your husband what he's getting out of this marriage, if he really honestly wants it to work? And if so, how? They're not easy questions to answer, but maybe they'll help him realize he really doesn't want to stay in the marriage either, but busy hadn't thought about it that way. |
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Post by joy6016 on Dec 1, 2016 16:00:31 GMT -5
Thanks, eternaloptimism <3 I am struggling with feeling that we are mismatched. I still have feelings that he is a good match for me. What started out as "perfect" was our friendship plus a very strong physical connection. At this point, we get along well, he gets me, he knows my moods/personality, we have similar humor, views on life, people, etc. It's hard to feel like so much of your connection is so right, yet the other part is so terribly wrong.  |
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Post by joy6016 on Dec 1, 2016 16:04:20 GMT -5
More good questions, cagedtiger! Did she admit she won't change? My husband thinks the marriage is perfect minus the sex issue, but it absolutely doesn't bother him as much as it bothers me. He claims it does and that he just doesn't bring it up, but I highly doubt that or he would've considered leaving too. He's adamant that there's an "easy fix" here and that this is our one and only problem. It used to be, but as you know, the SM infiltrates into other parts. We still have a pretty good thing (all things considered - I think it could've been a lot worse if it happened with someone else), but it's very damaged by the SM. He says he wants to fix it, doesn't want to lose me, still wants me all the time, etc., but does nothing. I mean, he can spend hours figuring out anything else, but not this. And at the end of the day, doesn't that speak volumes? He does want it to work, but I think without work or struggle or tough stuff. He says he loves me and gets a ton out of it. I can't relate fully. Obviously I get something or I would've left a long time ago, but it's certainly not fulfilling on a level that I want. |
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Post by nancyb on Dec 1, 2016 16:14:15 GMT -5
Thank you, bballgirl. It seems to be the common opinion that I need a deadline/timetable, which makes sense. I think I've just been hoping that it will improve for so long, and I'll wake up one day and be 50 after hoping for 25+ years. My feelings are definitely shifting for him. I still think he's great as a person, but it's REALLY hard to imagine being sexual with him at this point. Again, it's more like a friendship. Not much flirting (again, beyond anything that feels friendly - it doesn't do anything for me), sexting, and of course, no sexuality on a married level. I've definitely been very angry, depressed, and over it. It comes and goes. He certainly knows how important this is for me. His solution is that he doesn't know how to fix this, but he wants to be with me and will never leave. He says the feelings are there, but things are so weird that it's hard to act on them. He said he feels my vibe of being shut down as well. It's like, I want to have a sexual relationship, yet can't picture it with him although I do love him. I suppose I should set that deadline and then do everything I can to give it one last try. Do not wait until you are 50 after hoping for 25+ years. I'm sorry to be so blunt but you have a friendship not an intimate marriage. Get out now with your youth a bright future ahead of you. |
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Post by joy6016 on Dec 1, 2016 16:20:51 GMT -5
Thanks, nancyb. I know you are right. I am afraid of exchanging one problem (sexless marriage) for another with someone else down the road. Who knows what it could be, but it's a real fear. I think I'm justifying it by saying, well everything else is good, it could be worse. But that's no way to live. |
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Post by thebaffledking on Dec 1, 2016 16:25:35 GMT -5
At this point, we get along well, he gets me, he knows my moods/personality, we have similar humor, views on life, people, etc. You know there are millions of men that would give you the same thing....not just this one that you randomly stumbled into in life.........and could 'get you' just as well if not wildly better than the current man does........and would WANT to hop into the sack with you every chance he got. Yes, we all want a comfort zone, an that sounds like all this is to you right now......a comfort zone that YOU know........but you're here because deep inside you know it's not living. |
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Post by joy6016 on Dec 1, 2016 16:28:52 GMT -5
You're right, thebaffledking. It's definitely a comfort zone, and the closer you get to changing something, the more you cling to that. I've been here before under other circumstances, and taking the leap was always the right choice. It always leads to better things. Thanks for the reminder.  |
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Post by eternaloptimism on Dec 1, 2016 16:32:03 GMT -5
Thanks, nancyb. I know you are right. I am afraid of exchanging one problem (sexless marriage) for another with someone else down the road. Who knows what it could be, but it's a real fear. I think I'm justifying it by saying, well everything else is good, it could be worse. But that's no way to live. is spot on Joy. Truly. You will learn so much about yourself from this. And it may be that you choose to stay and deprive yourself. It may be that you stay and agree an open relationship (unlikely to work long term) or cheat. Or you leave. baza here will step in at some point... he's the king of this talk  Essentially, grow your own emotional awareness as much as you possibly can. Then you will have a much better chance of weeding out the ones who are not right for you before wedding bells hit. Unless they hit you with bait and switch. Maybe leave that for another time! Your head must be spinning girl! Xxx |
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