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Post by wom360 on Dec 20, 2016 23:48:23 GMT -5
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Post by RexCorvus on Dec 21, 2016 9:16:16 GMT -5
6 years ago when I was at the I will “fix” it stage of my SM, and tried to be as communicative and open as I possibly could, when a holiday, birthday, or anniversary would come around and she would ask me what I wanted, I sincerely expressed that all I wanted was her. I told her how much I loved her and wanted her. I expressed how beautiful I thought she was and how I wanted so desperately to be intimate with her and build that part of our relationship. I told her that building our intimacy would be the greatest gift she could give me.
I was asking for the one thing she can’t give. Her words ring in my head “Maybe I just can’t give you what you need.”
RC
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Post by GeekGoddess on Dec 21, 2016 10:17:03 GMT -5
RexCorvus - that is sad to me. I could have done so much more to sincerely communicate - and sometimes I regret "hiding" so much of my feelings. But it is sad to read that you DID do the soul-bearing work to communicate and that is the answer you got. I think: you can drop the "maybe" from her words.
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Post by wom360 on Dec 21, 2016 10:33:07 GMT -5
RexCorvus - that is sad to me. I could have done so much more to sincerely communicate - and sometimes I regret "hiding" so much of my feelings. But it is sad to read that you DID do the soul-bearing work to communicate and that is the answer you got. I think: you can drop the "maybe" from her words. And replace the can't with won't. |
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Post by RexCorvus on Dec 21, 2016 13:25:17 GMT -5
RexCorvus - that is sad to me. I could have done so much more to sincerely communicate - and sometimes I regret "hiding" so much of my feelings. But it is sad to read that you DID do the soul-bearing work to communicate and that is the answer you got. I think: you can drop the "maybe" from her words. It is extremely sad @geekgoddess! “A twisted soul the mortar, despair the bricks, to build a temple of sadness.” I know I am NEW to this new ILIASM board, but I was a member of the old EP and wrote many stories starting in 2009 about how I was going fix this issue. I gave my all. I bought books: “The Sex Starved Marriage”, “Men are from Mars, Women from Venus”,etc… I did research on communication skills, I read about The Love Languages, I joined AVEN and spoke to Asexuals and got their insights, I begged her to go to couples therapy with me, to which she said she wasn’t broken, and if I wanted to go to therapy I could go alone… But what kept me holding on was a letter she wrote me from 1999 where she admitted she has no desire whatsoever for sex. She loves holding hands, hugs, peck kisses. She professes to love me dearly. But yes you are correct there is no “maybe”, she just can’t provide me the kind of love I need to be happy. I believe she is asexual. There are different degrees to this and different flavors if you will. It is not Black and White. But in the end, we just aren’t compatible. RC |
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Post by RexCorvus on Dec 21, 2016 13:26:08 GMT -5
RexCorvus - that is sad to me. I could have done so much more to sincerely communicate - and sometimes I regret "hiding" so much of my feelings. But it is sad to read that you DID do the soul-bearing work to communicate and that is the answer you got. I think: you can drop the "maybe" from her words. And replace the can't with won't. In my wife's case I believe "can't" is appropriate. |
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harveyspecter
New Member
Once a guy who had a lot to say and little to learn. Now has a lot to learn and little to say.
Posts: 9 
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Post by harveyspecter on Dec 21, 2016 13:36:16 GMT -5
No. over the years we've had sex around the holidays but it wasn't a regular thing. Back in the day there were three days I could reliably expect sex. Our wedding anniversary, her birthday, and my birthday. One by one they've all fallen by the wayside. The anniversary sex was the last to go. When we didn't have sex on our anniversary the first time and there was no mention of it I knew our pathetic sex life was truly over. That was 2 years ago. Holy hell. Tomorrow is my wedding anniversary. I read your comment and then thought about getting sex on my own anniversary and then made the connection. Of course, I don't really care as it just marks another year of my wasted affections, but I must maintain the high ground and have some sort of gift for the lady of the house so the kids can see. |
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Post by beachguy on Dec 21, 2016 15:17:31 GMT -5
And replace the can't with won't. In my wife's case I believe "can't" is appropriate. , how was the sex before the wedding? |
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Post by RexCorvus on Dec 21, 2016 15:34:36 GMT -5
In my wife's case I believe "can't" is appropriate. , how was the sex before the wedding? We dated for 4 years. The first 2 it was good, then seriously declined. We were very young. We started dating when she was 17 and I was 21. |
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Post by beachguy on Dec 21, 2016 15:36:15 GMT -5
RexCorvus , how was the sex before the wedding? We dated for 4 years. The first 2 it was good, then seriously declined. We were very young. We started dating when she was 17 and I was 21. Amazing how she could for two years at least. I have a similar story as do many others here. |
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Post by RexCorvus on Dec 21, 2016 15:57:42 GMT -5
We dated for 4 years. The first 2 it was good, then seriously declined. We were very young. We started dating when she was 17 and I was 21. Amazing how she could for two years at least. I have a similar story as do many others here. Have you done any research on asexual orientations? I found it very worthwhile, especially talking online to others of this orientation. There are differing degrees just as there are with any sexual orientation. For us being desired and wanted sexually turns us on, just as those we desire and want are turned on by our desire for them, if the feeling is mutual. For some asexuals they are able to have sex, especially early in the relationship because they feel the early romanticism which excites them enough to engage in the act of sex, but as that dwindles sex becomes a chore. Over 15 years ago my wife wrote me a very open letter and explained it to me like this: "I do remember how our relationship was in the beginning. I think a lot of it was because it was new and exciting, and I felt so special around you... Because I have no real desire for it, it feels like an obligation or a job that I try to put off as long as possible. I don’t want to feel that way. I want to enjoy being with you... I am sorry about that. I wish I could wave a magic wand and make it better but I can’t." RC |
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Post by beachguy on Dec 21, 2016 16:08:14 GMT -5
Amazing how she could for two years at least. I have a similar story as do many others here. Have you done any research on asexual orientations? I found it very worthwhile, especially talking online to others of this orientation. There are differing degrees just as there are with any sexual orientation. For us being desired and wanted sexually turns us on, just as those we desire and want are turned on by our desire for them, if the feeling is mutual. For some asexuals they are able to have sex, especially early in the relationship because they feel the early romanticism which excites them enough to engage in the act of sex, but as that dwindles sex becomes a chore. Over 15 years ago my wife wrote me a very open letter and explained it to me like this: "I do remember how our relationship was in the beginning. I think a lot of it was because it was new and exciting, and I felt so special around you... Because I have no real desire for it, it feels like an obligation or a job that I try to put off as long as possible. I don’t want to feel that way. I want to enjoy being with you... I am sorry about that. I wish I could wave a magic wand and make it better but I can’t." RC I think you are talking about the grey-asexual end of asexuality? I think there is a very fine line between "new and exciting in the beginning" and "using sex as a tool to snag a sexual mate". Have you had a discussion with your wife regarding the obligations she took on when she enforced monogamy on you (essentially celibacy) when she agreed to marry you? "I'm Sorry" just doesn't cut it, at least with me. To do that is the greatest breach of trust in a marriage, even greater than straying, which in our cases is directly a result of the refuser's breach. And she knew her sexuality before she married you. In fact, she had it figured out pretty good in the 2nd two years as she became a refuser. I'm sure you have many stories from those two critical years. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Dec 21, 2016 16:18:26 GMT -5
Have you done any research on asexual orientations? I found it very worthwhile, especially talking online to others of this orientation. There are differing degrees just as there are with any sexual orientation. For us being desired and wanted sexually turns us on, just as those we desire and want are turned on by our desire for them, if the feeling is mutual. For some asexuals they are able to have sex, especially early in the relationship because they feel the early romanticism which excites them enough to engage in the act of sex, but as that dwindles sex becomes a chore. Over 15 years ago my wife wrote me a very open letter and explained it to me like this: "I do remember how our relationship was in the beginning. I think a lot of it was because it was new and exciting, and I felt so special around you... Because I have no real desire for it, it feels like an obligation or a job that I try to put off as long as possible. I don’t want to feel that way. I want to enjoy being with you... I am sorry about that. I wish I could wave a magic wand and make it better but I can’t." RC I think you are talking about the grey-asexual end of asexuality? I think there is a very fine line between "new and exciting in the beginning" and "using sex as a tool to snag a sexual mate". Have you had a discussion with your wife regarding the obligations she took on when she enforced monogamy on you (essentially celibacy) when she agreed to marry you? "I'm Sorry" just doesn't cut it, at least with me. To do that is the greatest breach of trust in a marriage, even greater than straying, which in our cases is directly a result of the refuser's breach. And she knew her sexuality before she married you. In fact, she had it figured out pretty good in the 2nd two years as she became a refuser. I'm sure you have many stories from those two critical years. I'll be anxious to hear the response to this. beachguy, you know how much we agree on things, but let me ask this, "do you think at 17 yrs old a person can be that in touch with what they are doing?". |
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Post by beachguy on Dec 21, 2016 16:22:11 GMT -5
I think you are talking about the grey-asexual end of asexuality? I think there is a very fine line between "new and exciting in the beginning" and "using sex as a tool to snag a sexual mate". Have you had a discussion with your wife regarding the obligations she took on when she enforced monogamy on you (essentially celibacy) when she agreed to marry you? "I'm Sorry" just doesn't cut it, at least with me. To do that is the greatest breach of trust in a marriage, even greater than straying, which in our cases is directly a result of the refuser's breach. And she knew her sexuality before she married you. In fact, she had it figured out pretty good in the 2nd two years as she became a refuser. I'm sure you have many stories from those two critical years. I'll be anxious to hear the response to this. beachguy, you know how much we agree on things, but let me ask this, "do you think at 17 yrs old a person can be that in touch with what they are doing?". At 19, when she started refusing, yes. But I admit I got tired of all the lying, gas lighting and manipulation. So I have a take no prisoners attitude. And you know what? She knew all that since puberty. She knew what she FEELS. |
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Post by RexCorvus on Dec 22, 2016 10:51:07 GMT -5
I'll be anxious to hear the response to this. beachguy, you know how much we agree on things, but let me ask this, "do you think at 17 yrs old a person can be that in touch with what they are doing?". At 19, when she started refusing, yes. But I admit I got tired of all the lying, gas lighting and manipulation. So I have a take no prisoners attitude. And you know what? She knew all that since puberty. She knew what she FEELS. and greatcoastal , Thank you both for your questions and input. Brother beachguy , yes I am talking about Gray-Asexual www.asexuality.org/?q=general.html#ex3Here is a snippet from asexuality.org: Asexuality and sexuality are not necessarily black and white. There is a spectrum of sexuality, with sexual and asexual as the endpoints and a gray area in-between. Many people identify in this gray area under the identity of "gray-asexual," or "gray-a." Examples of gray-asexuality include an individual who does not normally experience sexual attraction but does experience it sometimes; experiences sexual attraction but has a low sex drive; experiences sexual attraction and drive but not strongly enough to want to act on them; and/or can enjoy and desire sex but only under very limited and specific circumstances. Even more, many gray-asexuals still identify as asexual because they may find it easier to explain, especially if the few instances in which they felt sexual attraction were brief and fleeting.
Furthermore, an asexual person can want or choose to engage in sex for several reasons. Some asexual people in relationships might choose or even want to have sex with their partner as a way of showing affection, and they might even enjoy it. Others may want to have sex in order to have children, or to satisfy a curiosity, or for other reasons.
It is also important to keep in mind that sexuality can be fluid. Sexual inclination and identity may, but does not always, change over a period of time. In the end, privately or publicly identifying as asexual or sexual is your choice. No one can force a label on you that you are not sure of or comfortable with yourself.
Of course these 3 paragraphs do not define a person’s sexuality any more than 3 paragraphs about being sexual would define us as individuals. Did my wife at 17 or even 19 understand her sexuality? It is hard to answer for her but I would say no. In fact I still think it baffles her. Does she realize her sexuality is different than the majority, I believe she does. As far as I know, I am the only person she has ever had sex with. I agree, that today she knows what she feels. She also knows it is different… But if she has no desire for sex, how can she understand what WE FEEL. If you didn’t have a sense of taste, you could eat chocolate but still not know what it tasted like and understand why so many people enjoy it. Let me provide an example. One night I asked her, what actor/s does she find sexy? She looked up at me perplexed and paused a very long time thinking about this simple question. She finally looked at me and said. “ I appreciate actors for their different abilities and I like some over others and have my favorites. I think some actors and even actresses are handsome or beautiful, but I don’t think about people as being sexy.” Yes, she tells me I am handsome as well. “ Have I had discussions with her about obligations she took on when she enforced monogamy on you (essentially celibacy) when she agreed to marry you?” Yes, I have. It is very hard for her to talk about. Because she is different, she has had experiences where in those limited times when she has opened up about it, even at her OBGYN, she has been looked at like she is strange or broken. She has told me, that I must have 5 girlfriends, and that she worries that one day I will tell her that what we have in our marriage just isn’t enough. I tried to “fix” it, I worked diligently to understand the “whys”… But in the end the decisions still come down to the same choices. I have my role that I have played as well. I am extremely loyal, have a very strong sense of responsibility, and because of my past I have abandonment issues. I now understand the reasons “why” I have stayed and sacrificed my sexuality for the sake of the family. But I am just now learning that leaving my marriage doesn’t mean I’ve abandoned them and that my happiness is important in my children’s development as well. I don’t have to be a martyr RC |
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