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Post by bballgirl on Dec 12, 2016 10:41:20 GMT -5
Conversation at dinner the other night: "I'm sorry I hurt you when I asked about the [sex] thing the other night. That wasn't my intent. I just want to understand where you're coming from and why it's important to you." [ That's a fair question and a good one. If I were going to answer that honestly for me I would say: Sex is important to me because it makes me feel wanted and desired. It brings an emotional connection to a relationship and it's a bonding experience with someone that allows love to grow if love is there. Sex is the mortar to a brick house for me without it the house will eventually fall. |
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Post by cagedtiger on Dec 12, 2016 10:47:10 GMT -5
Conversation at dinner the other night: "I'm sorry I hurt you when I asked about the [sex] thing the other night. That wasn't my intent. I just want to understand where you're coming from and why it's important to you." [ That's a fair question and a good one. If I were going to answer that honestly for me I would say: Sex is important to me because it makes me feel wanted and desired. It brings an emotional connection to a relationship and it's a bonding experience with someone that allows love to grow if love is there. Sex is the mortar to a brick house for me without it the house will eventually fall. I agree. But her not understanding that without an explanation, and i think even more her apathetic attitude concerning our lack of sex really floored me. |
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Post by novembercomingfire on Dec 12, 2016 10:49:22 GMT -5
[ That's a fair question and a good one. If I were going to answer that honestly for me I would say: Sex is important to me because it makes me feel wanted and desired. It brings an emotional connection to a relationship and it's a bonding experience with someone that allows love to grow if love is there. Sex is the mortar to a brick house for me without it the house will eventually fall. I agree. But her not understanding that without an explanation, and i think even more her apathetic attitude concerning our lack of sex really floored me. Dead weight. Free yourself sir. |
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Post by DryCreek on Dec 12, 2016 10:59:57 GMT -5
I agree. But her not understanding that without an explanation, and i think even more her apathetic attitude concerning our lack of sex really floored me. I think many of us struggle with spouses that "don't know what they don't know". That is, they simply don't experience the emotional or even physical joy from intimacy, so they can't grasp the significance to those of us who do. They just don't comprehend it. In the beginning, they do it for our benefit, but not their own. So it's very easy for them to cast aside, neglect, and lose motivation. People who enjoy intimacy will overcome crazy obstacles to make it happen. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Dec 12, 2016 11:08:17 GMT -5
Conversation at dinner the other night: "I'm sorry I hurt you when I asked about the [sex] thing the other night. That wasn't my intent. I just want to understand where you're coming from and why it's important to you." [ That's a fair question and a good one. If I were going to answer that honestly for me I would say: Sex is important to me because it makes me feel wanted and desired. It brings an emotional connection to a relationship and it's a bonding experience with someone that allows love to grow if love is there. Sex is the mortar to a brick house for me without it the house will eventually fall. Interesting! I love that answer! Makes me think about love languages. It also has me wondering just how important it really is to me? The fact remains that I blindly went along for 20 some years without it. (you can relate) If I ever get the chance again, how am I going to handle it? How am I going to relate with someone who desires me too? A SM really screws up your mind. Her question. I am sorry I hurt you. That in itself is a BIG step. If it's true. Actions would prove that more than words. Time has proven that it won't happen, their will be no actions. That wasn't my intent. Probably wasn't, her intent is to control, manipulate, and avoid her fears and problems. She does that by playing the victim and acting offended. All very hurtful things that you have learned to tolerate, in order to keep the peace, and try, to accept her for who she is. True ,the intent may not be there, but the reality sure is! You are aware of these things now, your red flags go up, and you are working on helping yourself, because she will not change. PS....Shag is like Swing. Has the same moves, rhythm, 6 count, and steps. More forward and backwards, instead of side steps. |
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Post by bballgirl on Dec 12, 2016 11:22:07 GMT -5
I agree. But her not understanding that without an explanation, and i think even more her apathetic attitude concerning our lack of sex really floored me. I think many of us struggle with spouses that "don't know what they don't know". That is, they simply don't experience the emotional or even physical joy from intimacy, so they can't grasp the significance to those of us who do. They just don't comprehend it. In the beginning, they do it for our benefit, but not their own. So it's very easy for them to cast aside, neglect, and lose motivation. People who enjoy intimacy will overcome crazy obstacles to make it happen. So well said!! To them sex is boiled carrots. That's probably the only vegetable I don't like. If boiled carrots are on my plate for dinner I won't eat them, I don't want them. If I have to eat them because someone made me or it would hurt someone's feelings if I didn't then I would eat them out of courtesy. When I prepare dinner for my family I just never even think of boiled carrots as a choice, it never even comes into my mind. |
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Post by csl on Dec 12, 2016 12:13:18 GMT -5
I agree. But her not understanding that without an explanation, and i think even more her apathetic attitude concerning our lack of sex really floored me. I think many of us struggle with spouses that "don't know what they don't know". That is, they simply don't experience the emotional or even physical joy from intimacy, so they can't grasp the significance to those of us who do. They just don't comprehend it. In the beginning, they do it for our benefit, but not their own. So it's very easy for them to cast aside, neglect, and lose motivation. People who enjoy intimacy will overcome crazy obstacles to make it happen. This is what frustrates me so much. For far too many, marriage is just a partnership, two going the same way, when it is supposed to be a merging of two lives with/and for each other. One of my mantras, on my blog, is "It's not his sex life, it's not her sex life, it's Y'ALL'S sex life." And if you don't know what it is you aren't getting, you jolly well learn, because (as Rick Warren devotees can attest) "It's not about you!" |
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Post by beachguy on Dec 12, 2016 13:21:59 GMT -5
Conversation at dinner the other night: "I'm sorry I hurt you when I asked about the [sex] thing the other night. That wasn't my intent. I just want to understand where you're coming from and why it's important to you." Is anyone here still doubting she's asexual? |
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Post by lyn on Dec 12, 2016 13:43:22 GMT -5
Conversation at dinner the other night: "I'm sorry I hurt you when I asked about the [sex] thing the other night. That wasn't my intent. I just want to understand where you're coming from and why it's important to you." That question, WTF, sorry cagedtiger, how obtuse is she? How many ways does she need you to spell it out for her to "understand where you're coming from and why it's important to you"? The fact she stated this, in and of itself, is so manipulative (whether she is trying to be manipulative or not). She's basically saying that after all of the pleas and efforts you have made not to mention countless hours of talk in and out of therapy she's stating something SO BASIC - really stating that she hasn't cared to listen to or witness anything you've done or said to make your sm better. At least that's how my semi-paranoid mind reads it. |
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Post by becca on Dec 12, 2016 14:31:05 GMT -5
The shag is really cute. I used to dance (pre marriage). It's a big deal at family weddings, of course, too. I thought I could live w/o dancing w/ my partner. I miss it. A friend in my 12-step group said he always wanted to take lessons. I would like - but always never had someone to go with. cagedtiger - I find the dancing, & reaction to it, an on-point analog for sex, vulnerability, intimacy. I can't believe (well, yes I can) that she mocks for it. That's her defense for feeling inadequate. I am sad today. The cute couple being so well tuned to each other made the sadness a little stronger actually. I know it will pass. I haven't been able to do any jogging lately- I'm missing the mood lift it gives. Finals for 3 days this week & then I'll have (make) time for a run. It will get better. But this morning I'm just sad for all of us who have much to give but we offered it to people who no longer want it, or maybe never really did want it. I hope everyone has an ok day. Just reading up on this thread. You should definitely look into couples dancing even if it is with a friend. It is so much fun and the beauty of dancing is you can dance with anyone. Of course it is more special if it is with that significant person in your life. I hope you are feeling better today. Sometimes it can all feel overwhelming and for those of us that are empathetic, we can hurt for everyone on here. Some days the posts just break my heart. Hopefully the start of a new week was enough to shake the blues but if not, you are absolutely right when you say it will pass. Thank you for all you have shared on here, by the way. On just about any thread, I look forward to seeing what you are going to say on the subject. You have so much to offer this community and I am glad you are here! Hugs. |
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Post by GeekGoddess on Dec 12, 2016 15:00:37 GMT -5
Thank you becca! Yes - the new week is doing a good job of distracting me from emotional things (and - so are messages from Loverman encouraging me about my final exams). I took a horrible final first this morning and then the second one was very easy. Working on 2 writing projects due tomorrow and one last test on Wednesday. Thursday is "geekgoddess indulgence day" including a 1-hour massage first and later followed with a 90-minute float (like a sensory deprivation tank, floating on supersaturated epsom-salted waters). Cannot wait! I'm more & more grateful for the crush being willing to SAY that if our ages had been closer, there was a good chance something coulda/woulda been. I know it's easy enough to say but it really matters to me that I didn't imagine what I felt - it was there, really there, and under certain other circumstances..well...I coulda been a contender. I'm grateful I didn't run & hide and NOT say anything to him. I chose not to unilaterally decide "our" fate but to ASK. That is progress. |
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