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Post by cagedtiger on Nov 15, 2016 12:26:26 GMT -5
This is it. I suspected it the last couple of weeks, but after the last few days, i know it.
I'm done.
I came to the realization in our couples session this morning that I feel like instead of her fighting to make this marriage work, she's fighting to keep me around in this little comfortable bubble that she imagines to be a marriage. And that's almost completely 180 degrees from I feel we need to be working on.
Friday I see my individual therapist. I'm planning on telling him i think I'm done, so we can plan the next steps.
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Post by callisto on Nov 15, 2016 12:52:33 GMT -5
" I feel like instead of her fighting to make this marriage work, she's fighting to keep me around in this little comfortable bubble that she imagines to be a marriage. "
Great description CT,
Very, very like my spouse also!
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Post by eternaloptimism on Nov 15, 2016 12:57:00 GMT -5
This is it. I suspected it the last couple of weeks, but after the last few days, i know it. I'm done. I came to the realization in our couples session this morning that I feel like instead of her fighting to make this marriage work, she's fighting to keep me around in this little comfortable bubble that she imagines to be a marriage. And that's almost completely 180 degrees from I feel we need to be working on. Friday I see my individual therapist. I'm planning on telling him i think I'm done, so we can plan the next steps. Did the couples therapist not pick up on this Tiger? Or is he/she singing from the W's hymnsheet? I'm pleased you have your clarity xx |
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Post by cagedtiger on Nov 15, 2016 13:04:55 GMT -5
This is it. I suspected it the last couple of weeks, but after the last few days, i know it. I'm done. I came to the realization in our couples session this morning that I feel like instead of her fighting to make this marriage work, she's fighting to keep me around in this little comfortable bubble that she imagines to be a marriage. And that's almost completely 180 degrees from I feel we need to be working on. Friday I see my individual therapist. I'm planning on telling him i think I'm done, so we can plan the next steps. Did the couples therapist not pick up on this Tiger? Or is he/she singing from the W's hymnsheet? I'm pleased you have your clarity xx I'm pretty sure she's picking up on this, but knows that my wife has tobe handled very very carefully to keep her engaged- it's a bit like working around a land mine when you've got half a foot on the pressure plate. The counselor is calling my therapist this week, and she told my wife twice, point blank, in this morning's session, she needs to see somebody on her own. Then gave my wife recommendations of therapists she's worked with, *in her insurance network,* who are closer to work and home. Instead, she's elected to go back to her old therapist (the one who declared that "it's a man and woman thing" when I first brought up the lack of sex and intimacy). |
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Post by eternaloptimism on Nov 15, 2016 13:06:54 GMT -5
Did the couples therapist not pick up on this Tiger? Or is he/she singing from the W's hymnsheet? I'm pleased you have your clarity xx I'm pretty sure she's picking up on this, but knows that my wife has tobe handled very very carefully to keep her engaged- it's a bit like working around a land mine when you've got half a foot on the pressure plate. The counselor is calling my therapist this week, and she told my wife twice, point blank, in this morning's session, she needs to see somebody on her own. Then gave my wife recommendations of therapists she's worked with, *in her insurance network,* who are closer to work and home. Instead, she's elected to go back to her old therapist (the one who declared that "it's a man and woman thing" when I first brought up the lack of sex and intimacy). She does not want anything to change. Silly girl. Xxx |
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Post by bballgirl on Nov 15, 2016 13:17:13 GMT -5
It's a tough decision to come to but ripping off the bandaid is an accurate description. When i realized that i will never receive from my spouse what i needed in a marriage I was so nervous to tell him I was going to get a divorce but at the same time I felt so relieved and so happy when I informed him of my decision. I guess what made it the most difficult to finally rip off the bandaid and tell him was that I didn't want to make him sad. However I can't be responsible for his happiness and if he didn't care enough about my happiness that he could compromise in some way to show me love and affection then you reap what you sow. Relationships are about compatibility and compromise. Good luck with your bandaid. You are doing the right thing.
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Post by greatcoastal on Nov 15, 2016 13:27:44 GMT -5
Did the couples therapist not pick up on this Tiger? Or is he/she singing from the W's hymnsheet? I'm pleased you have your clarity xx I'm pretty sure she's picking up on this, but knows that my wife has tobe handled very very carefully to keep her engaged- it's a bit like working around a land mine when you've got half a foot on the pressure plate. The counselor is calling my therapist this week, and she told my wife twice, point blank, in this morning's session, she needs to see somebody on her own. Then gave my wife recommendations of therapists she's worked with, *in her insurance network,* who are closer to work and home. Instead, she's elected to go back to her old therapist (the one who declared that "it's a man and woman thing" when I first brought up the lack of sex and intimacy). My experience is that a therapist wants you to come to your own conclusion, to make your own life changing decision. I believe the same thing has happened with CT. Many a couple go to council with the false front of "save our marriage". A therapist helps expose that there is no more lives to save on the Titanic, that ship went down a long time ago. When you decide to look elsewhere, a therapist will guide you away from sunken ships, still your choice though. |
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Post by baza on Nov 15, 2016 17:47:57 GMT -5
Has your legal advice uncovered any sticking points to proceeding with your exit strategy Brother CT ?
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Good luck with delivering the news, and enacting your exit.
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Post by GeekGoddess on Nov 15, 2016 18:20:53 GMT -5
She has been warned repeatedly that she should hook into therapy - I don't recall the first date I had seen she received this advice, but she hasn't budged. She had her chance to engage. Now you need to do what is right for you, cagedtiger. Caution to not show your hand too much until you have vetted the lawyer details, lest it cause disruption in executing your action plan. Be sure you know the legal mumbo-jumbo (i.e., how it will shake out) and then proceed at will, good sir. Empathy on the empty feeling that comes with certain aspects of clarity. But also - victory high five on GETTING your clarity. It felt priceless once it was clear to me that my life is in my own hands. (and also a bit intimidating but hey - if I could live through it, I know you will do WELL) |
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Post by JonDoe on Nov 15, 2016 21:14:19 GMT -5
I'm pretty sure she's picking up on this, but knows that my wife has tobe handled very very carefully to keep her engaged- it's a bit like working around a land mine when you've got half a foot on the pressure plate. The counselor is calling my therapist this week, and she told my wife twice, point blank, in this morning's session, she needs to see somebody on her own. Then gave my wife recommendations of therapists she's worked with, *in her insurance network,* who are closer to work and home. Instead, she's elected to go back to her old therapist (the one who declared that "it's a man and woman thing" when I first brought up the lack of sex and intimacy). My experience is that a therapist wants you to come to your own conclusion, to make your own life changing decision. I believe the same thing has happened with CT. Many a couple go to council with the false front of "save our marriage". A therapist helps expose that there is no more lives to save on the Titanic, that ship went down a long time ago. When you decide to look elsewhere, a therapist will guide you away from sunken ships, still your choice though. I agree that a marriage counselor will not and should not make the decision, but I also think a very good marriage counselor will challenge each spouse and not just ask subtle questions. These are very emotionally exhausting times in a marriage and the subtle questions can and will be easily missed, especially by the non-thinking spouse. |
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Post by JonDoe on Nov 15, 2016 21:21:22 GMT -5
This is it. I suspected it the last couple of weeks, but after the last few days, i know it. I'm done. I came to the realization in our couples session this morning that I feel like instead of her fighting to make this marriage work, she's fighting to keep me around in this little comfortable bubble that she imagines to be a marriage. And that's almost completely 180 degrees from I feel we need to be working on. Friday I see my individual therapist. I'm planning on telling him i think I'm done, so we can plan the next steps. I genuinely feel for you! I too have reached a similar conclusion recently in my journey, and it hurts, a lot, even though deep down I've known for years that there wasn't much hope for the future of our marriage. Please know that we are here for you to lend moral support! |
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Post by ggold on Nov 16, 2016 13:02:41 GMT -5
This is it. I suspected it the last couple of weeks, but after the last few days, i know it. I'm done. I came to the realization in our couples session this morning that I feel like instead of her fighting to make this marriage work, she's fighting to keep me around in this little comfortable bubble that she imagines to be a marriage. And that's almost completely 180 degrees from I feel we need to be working on. Friday I see my individual therapist. I'm planning on telling him i think I'm done, so we can plan the next steps. ((Hugs)). I know how difficult this is CT. In your heart, you know this is for the best. Your happiness matters and you have SO much to offer a woman who truly wants all of you!! I am here for you!! Xo |
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Post by Deleted on Nov 16, 2016 14:39:27 GMT -5
If you put as much time into making your own life work and happy as you did into trying to make your marriage work I think you may have a bright future ahead
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Post by warmways on Nov 16, 2016 17:15:13 GMT -5
Best of luck CT - it really sounds like you're on a good path.
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Post by cagedtiger on Nov 17, 2016 14:06:42 GMT -5
An update:
She went and saw her therapist as promised yesterday, and she told me that they discussed gore she hasn't created a safe space for me to comfortably share my problems and concerns, and that when I'm talking about my concerns and problems, she needs to not get defensive when she feels like she's bring blamed for things.
Oh, and men in general feel more comfortable sharing their feelings and thoughts in counseling, so just get used to that.
To me, it feels like not much has changed. And I still feel like she's clinging to this notion that this whole thing is about something being wrong with me.
More things to mention tomorrow.
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