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Post by greatcoastal on Nov 17, 2016 14:29:01 GMT -5
No, nothing changed. Just more manipulation and spin. So, when you are sharing talking about your problems and concerns, what are they? They are about her denial, control, fears,extreme lack of intimacy, and her defensiveness through words and actions. Her total denial of taking any blame.
Then she played the victim card. That you are a man, that you are more comfortable sharing. How dare you offend her like that, by being comfortable sharing!! How dare you mention things like.....THE TRUTH, and share them in a private counseling session! If it wasn't so sad, it would almost be laughable.
Another classic DARVO.
This is her battle not yours. Your battle is rebuilding your life as a single man again.
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Post by beachguy on Nov 17, 2016 15:15:20 GMT -5
An update: She went and saw her therapist as promised yesterday, and she told me that they discussed gore she hasn't created a safe space for me to comfortably share my problems and concerns, and that when I'm talking about my concerns and problems, she needs to not get defensive when she feels like she's bring blamed for things. Oh, and men in general feel more comfortable sharing their feelings and thoughts in counseling, so just get used to that. To me, it feels like not much has changed. And I still feel like she's clinging to this notion that this whole thing is about something being wrong with me. More things to mention tomorrow. Nothing has changed, nor could it. She went into a one hour session intimacy averse and extraordinarily selfish (ref your thanksgiving post). These are fundamental core personality traits. And she came out... Intimacy averse and extraordinarily selfish. |
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Post by beachguy on Nov 17, 2016 20:16:06 GMT -5
cagedtiger , as I read through your tortured analysis of your very broken deal, this meme comes to mind. As an engineer you should appreciate this. Although humorous, it served me well any time I found myself muddling through an impossible system analysis problem. Some stupid thing that had totally contradictory objectives, that sort of thing. I hope it gets my point across. No matter how complicated you make your analysis, in the final analysis any solution requires a miracle that is not likely forthcoming...  Powered by Imgbb
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Post by unmatched on Nov 17, 2016 20:34:36 GMT -5
"Men in general feel more comfortable sharing their feelings and thoughts in counselling." What planet are they on???
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Post by greatcoastal on Nov 17, 2016 21:28:23 GMT -5
"Men in general feel more comfortable sharing their feelings and thoughts in counselling." What planet are they on??? Spaceship now landing on the planet " Desire to Control ". Docking at station "Manipulation". |
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Post by baza on Nov 18, 2016 0:05:05 GMT -5
An update: She went and saw her therapist as promised yesterday, and she told me that they discussed gore she hasn't created a safe space for me to comfortably share my problems and concerns, and that when I'm talking about my concerns and problems, she needs to not get defensive when she feels like she's bring blamed for things. Oh, and men in general feel more comfortable sharing their feelings and thoughts in counseling, so just get used to that. To me, it feels like not much has changed. And I still feel like she's clinging to this notion that this whole thing is about something being wrong with me. More things to mention tomorrow. At this point, is it of any relevance that she went to see a counsellor? Is it of any relevance what they discussed between themselves ? Is it at all relevant what the counsellors view of her male customers is ? Is what you think your missus' may be "clinging on to" relevant in any way ? - Do any of these above things do anything - anything at all - to assist bringing your ILIASM shithole to resolution ? |
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Post by Dan on Nov 18, 2016 8:50:35 GMT -5
This is it. I suspected it the last couple of weeks, but after the last few days, i know it. I'm done. I came to the realization in our couples session this morning that I feel like instead of her fighting to make this marriage work, she's fighting to keep me around in this little comfortable bubble that she imagines to be a marriage. And that's almost completely 180 degrees from I feel we need to be working on. Friday I see my individual therapist. I'm planning on telling him i think I'm done, so we can plan the next steps. You sound unequivocal in your decision. I trust that. BUT: where you see this as "it is time to tell her of my final decision", she might hear the news an STILL not "get it". She may take this as just the next piece of news. She might respond "OK, since you are saying it is THAT serious, I guess I'll really get to work to save things now." This is just a cautionary note: you may THINK your announcement will be definitive, but if she still has any emotional sway over you, you might be "pulled back" yet again. If she does this, only you know the right course for you: do you stick by your guns no matter what ("it is really, really over"), or do you let her make yet-another-appeal to let-me-try-a-bit-harder. If you have yet to see your therapist today, I suggest you discuss this. |
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Post by beachguy on Nov 18, 2016 10:25:31 GMT -5
This is it. I suspected it the last couple of weeks, but after the last few days, i know it. I'm done. I came to the realization in our couples session this morning that I feel like instead of her fighting to make this marriage work, she's fighting to keep me around in this little comfortable bubble that she imagines to be a marriage. And that's almost completely 180 degrees from I feel we need to be working on. Friday I see my individual therapist. I'm planning on telling him i think I'm done, so we can plan the next steps. You sound unequivocal in your decision. I trust that. BUT: where you see this as "it is time to tell her of my final decision", she might hear the news an STILL not "get it". She may take this as just the next piece of news. She might respond "OK, since you are saying it is THAT serious, I guess I'll really get to work to save things now." This is just a cautionary note: you may THINK your announcement will be definitive, but if she still has any emotional sway over you, you might be "pulled back" yet again. If she does this, only you know the right course for you: do you stick by your guns no matter what ("it is really, really over"), or do you let her make yet-another-appeal to let-me-try-a-bit-harder. If you have yet to see your therapist today, I suggest you discuss this. TL:DR - if you ever have a hope for an exit then at some point you just have to say NO and... Exit. Otherwise you'll spend 30 years in an endless loop as she drags you back each time. And with each loop her job is easier as your threats get increasingly meaningless. AKA shredding your cred around here. |
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Post by Dan on Nov 18, 2016 10:38:03 GMT -5
You sound unequivocal in your decision. I trust that... TL:DR - if you ever have a hope for an exit then at some point you just have to say NO and... Exit. Otherwise you'll spend 30 years in an endless loop as she drags you back each time. And with each loop her job is easier as your threats get increasingly meaningless. AKA shredding your cred around here. Regarding "then at some point you just have to say NO and... Exit". Agreed! But for everyone, this is a process. Nothing wrong taking one's time to be SURE. Everyone has their own time when the know it is time. There are emotional downsides to staying... but forcing one's self to divorce before one is committed to that course of action has its downsides, too. My main point was really simply: "warning: even if you announce 'it's over', she STILL may think it's not." Regarding "TL:DR". As a point of forum etiquette, it is probably better to reply to posts that you DID actually read. Also, if you chose to reply to one you didn't, I'm not sure what the point of announcing that is! |
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Post by beachguy on Nov 18, 2016 10:41:31 GMT -5
TL:DR - if you ever have a hope for an exit then at some point you just have to say NO and... Exit. Otherwise you'll spend 30 years in an endless loop as she drags you back each time. And with each loop her job is easier as your threats get increasingly meaningless. AKA shredding your cred around here. Regarding "then at some point you just have to say NO and... Exit". Agreed! But for everyone, this is a process. Nothing wrong taking one's time to be SURE. Everyone has their own time when the know it is time. There are emotional downsides to staying... but forcing one's self to divorce before one is committed to that course of action has its downsides, too. My main point was really simply: "warning: even if you announce 'it's over', she STILL may think it's not." Regarding "TL:DR". As a point of forum etiquette, it is probably better to reply to posts that you DID actually read. Also, if you chose to reply to one you didn't, I'm not sure what the point of announcing that is! I've always used TL:DR as a form of "executive summary". I was just reinforcing your caution that once one makes up their mind they should be prepared for an attempt to suck them back in. Sorry for any misunderstanding here |
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Post by Dan on Nov 18, 2016 10:44:17 GMT -5
Regarding "TL:DR". As a point of forum etiquette, it is probably better to reply to posts that you DID actually read. Also, if you chose to reply to one you didn't, I'm not sure what the point of announcing that is! I've always used TL:DR as a form of "executive summary". I was just reinforcing your caution that once one makes up their mind they should be prepared for an attempt to suck them back in. Sorry for any misunderstanding here Oops. OK. I take "TL;DR" ("too long; didn't read" - defined on UrbanDictionary) as a bit of a "scold". If a friend wrote me pages and pages about some trivial matter, I might skim the thing, then reply "TL;DR" as a way to say "dude: you're being ridiculous by writing so much; I didn't even read the whole thing." Sorry for any misunderstanding! |
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Post by beachguy on Nov 18, 2016 10:54:41 GMT -5
I've always used TL:DR as a form of "executive summary". I was just reinforcing your caution that once one makes up their mind they should be prepared for an attempt to suck them back in. Sorry for any misunderstanding here Oops. OK. I take "TL;DR" ("too long; didn't read" - defined on UrbanDictionary) as a bit of a "scold". If a friend wrote me pages and pages about some trivial matter, I might skim the thing, then reply "TL;DR" as a way to say "dude: you're being ridiculous by writing so much; I didn't even read the whole thing." Sorry for any misunderstanding! The oops could easily be on my end ... |
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Post by greatcoastal on Nov 18, 2016 11:02:21 GMT -5
Get ready for more manipulation and control. Once you have taken away her control over your chivalry, commitment, intimacy, sex, hope for family, children, time management, what's left? Begging, pity, sympathy?
She will most likely go after your wallet. Back to the money, a huge control issue. That is why you will read so often on here to get an attorney.
It can be like hiring a demolition team to clear the forest to build an exit ramp.
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Post by timeforliving2 on Nov 21, 2016 22:17:22 GMT -5
It's a tough decision to come to but ripping off the bandaid is an accurate description. When i realized that i will never receive from my spouse what i needed in a marriage I was so nervous to tell him I was going to get a divorce but at the same time I felt so relieved and so happy when I informed him of my decision. I guess what made it the most difficult to finally rip off the bandaid and tell him was that I didn't want to make him sad. However I can't be responsible for his happiness and if he didn't care enough about my happiness that he could compromise in some way to show me love and affection then you reap what you sow. Relationships are about compatibility and compromise. Good luck with your bandaid. You are doing the right thing. "Relationships are about compatibility and compromise." Bingo... Well said. I'll also add the obvious "communication" and I think we have the 3 most important C's of relationships. TL2 |
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Post by bballgirl on Nov 21, 2016 22:30:22 GMT -5
It's a tough decision to come to but ripping off the bandaid is an accurate description. When i realized that i will never receive from my spouse what i needed in a marriage I was so nervous to tell him I was going to get a divorce but at the same time I felt so relieved and so happy when I informed him of my decision. I guess what made it the most difficult to finally rip off the bandaid and tell him was that I didn't want to make him sad. However I can't be responsible for his happiness and if he didn't care enough about my happiness that he could compromise in some way to show me love and affection then you reap what you sow. Relationships are about compatibility and compromise. Good luck with your bandaid. You are doing the right thing. "Relationships are about compatibility and compromise." Bingo... Well said. I'll also add the obvious "communication" and I think we have the 3 most important C's of relationships. TL2 I agree with you - the trifecta of relationships! |
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