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Post by unmatched on Nov 22, 2016 4:41:50 GMT -5
It's a tough decision to come to but ripping off the bandaid is an accurate description. When i realized that i will never receive from my spouse what i needed in a marriage I was so nervous to tell him I was going to get a divorce but at the same time I felt so relieved and so happy when I informed him of my decision. I guess what made it the most difficult to finally rip off the bandaid and tell him was that I didn't want to make him sad. However I can't be responsible for his happiness and if he didn't care enough about my happiness that he could compromise in some way to show me love and affection then you reap what you sow. Relationships are about compatibility and compromise. Good luck with your bandaid. You are doing the right thing. "Relationships are about compatibility and compromise." Bingo... Well said. I'll also add the obvious "communication" and I think we have the 3 most important C's of relationships. TL2 I think you missed cunnilingus... |
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Post by cagedtiger on Nov 22, 2016 8:31:10 GMT -5
"Relationships are about compatibility and compromise." Bingo... Well said. I'll also add the obvious "communication" and I think we have the 3 most important C's of relationships. TL2 I think you missed cunnilingus... That was never a problem- when she'd let it happen, that is. Which goes back to that first 'C' and the massive lack thereof. |
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Post by baza on Nov 22, 2016 17:21:35 GMT -5
Your missus comes across as a really good communicator to me Brother CT.
The message she is sending you, by her actions - from an outside perspective - seems quite clear.
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Her words may be garbled and often contradictory, but her actions are clear and consistent.
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If you could tune your antenna on to the action band, rather than the words band, you would get a much clearer signal.
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Post by cagedtiger on Nov 22, 2016 17:33:34 GMT -5
Your missus comes across as a really good communicator to me Brother CT. The message she is sending you, by her actions - from an outside perspective - seems quite clear. - Her words may be garbled and often contradictory, but her actions are clear and consistent. - If you could tune your antenna on to the action band, rather than the words band, you would get a much clearer signal. I've started to. It was focusing on that during our last couples session that got me to realize what was really happening, and that it's really more about just keeping me around than making sure I'm happy. |
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Post by baza on Nov 22, 2016 17:56:38 GMT -5
Brother CT.
You, are a sidebar in her life.
An inconvenient sidebar at times (when you want something)
A convenient sidebar at times (when she wants something)
But a sidebar none the less.
You're not in the main game.
Indeed it is debatable that there is even a main game going on here.
Rather, there is just her game, and you ain't in it, apart from an occasional sidebar.
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Post by cagedtiger on Nov 29, 2016 14:27:41 GMT -5
Well, the sex stuff finally came out in counseling this morning. Wife mentioned about how i keep pulling back, and i mentioned about not finishing talking about previous things that hadn't been resolved yet. The counselor said we had time, so i just dove in. I wrote a five page long entry in my handwritten journal, and i just dove right in. Talked about the low number of sexual encounters. The long gaps in between. All my attempts at showing affection that have been shot down. Her flippant ways of letting me know i was being rejected. The loneliness. The self-doubt and questioning what i was doing wrong. The depression. I had dates, numbers, times, places, specific locations... If i didn't come with hard data, she'd find ways to deny or reject what I'd said. She said she was embarrassed, I'm guessing because we were talking about sex to begin with, and was angry that I'd been "keeping a scorecard" on her with all of this. But for our counselor, it looked like a light bulb had come on, now that she had more of the story.
It felt good to be able to lay it all out.
The counselor has been framing things as "after the change" with regards to the wife, but i feel like I'm finding more and more how little really has changed. Woke up this morning to the smell of something "bad" in the bedroom, and after a bit of searching found her half-eaten dinner from last night on top of the dresser. And my search for something to wear to work this morning discovered a load of laundry that has been in the washer for at least a week now. Yep, big changes.
Just holding out til January now...
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Post by baza on Nov 29, 2016 21:41:44 GMT -5
January is 30 days off.
Got your ducks all lined up Brother CT ?
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Post by DryCreek on Nov 29, 2016 22:09:39 GMT -5
cagedtiger, you are one tolerant dude. I don't know how or why you're holding out for January. And then, just to start the process, not finish it. Mind you, I live in a glass house so I'm not throwing rocks, but your situation is far from subtle...
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Post by cagedtiger on Dec 5, 2016 11:08:47 GMT -5
cagedtiger, you are one tolerant dude. I don't know how or why you're holding out for January. And then, just to start the process, not finish it. Mind you, I live in a glass house so I'm not throwing rocks, but your situation is far from subtle... Christmas time means she's spending money like a drunk sailor in Thailand- she actually ran our bank account dry last week, which should never, ever happen. So, I'll wait until the holidays are finished. Plus, she's in a wedding for a good friend and coworker over that time period, and i don't want to ruin that for her and everybody else. |
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Post by cagedtiger on Dec 5, 2016 13:17:58 GMT -5
"...so is your self-worth really *that* tied into your sex life?"
So began her latest meltdown a few nights ago after I finally unloaded about the lack of sex and intimacy in our couples counseling. Highlights of this one:
-you've been working late and choosing work over me (my work is very project-driven by clients, and there have been a lot of big deadlines this month. )
-I didn't come to bed one night (she wasn't feeling well, passed out in the middle of the bed, I slept in the guest room so as not to disturb her)
-I've not been "making myself available" when i get home from work in the evenings (I don't come sit with her while she's lying in bed or on the couch watching cartoons or reality TV)
The funny thing is, she's slept on the couch every night for the last week, has missed many more events than me on a regular basis because of work, and gives off a great vibe of "I'm in for the night" when I get home and she's already in bed, in her nightclothes, watching mindless bad TV.
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Post by csl on Dec 5, 2016 13:24:18 GMT -5
"...so is your self-worth really *that* tied into your sex life?" "Do you think so little of me that you can't even contemplate having a sex life with me, your husband?" |
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Post by DryCreek on Dec 5, 2016 15:12:42 GMT -5
My logic is more... "I want a deeper, more meaningful, intimate relationship with you. You clearly don't want that, and it weighs on me heavily."
We are essentially facing the prospect of never again having an emotionally intimate relationship in our lives. That's a huge facet of life to surrender. So, yeah, it leads to a lot of angst and a gut-wrenching decision; either decision will have painful consequences.
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Post by bballgirl on Dec 6, 2016 8:35:55 GMT -5
My logic is more... "I want a deeper, more meaningful, intimate relationship with you. You clearly don't want that, and it weighs on me heavily." We are essentially facing the prospect of never again having an emotionally intimate relationship in our lives. That's a huge facet of life to surrender. So, yeah, it leads to a lot of angst and a gut-wrenching decision; either decision will have painful consequences. That's really what it boils down to the emotional intimacy not just sex and that's not easy to find. |
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Post by beachguy on Dec 6, 2016 8:52:19 GMT -5
"...so is your self-worth really *that* tied into your sex life?" "Do you think so little of me that you can't even contemplate having a sex life with me, your husband?" The primary argument of a refuser: refuse to acknowledge the importance of sex. Belittle it. Refuse to VALIDATE your needs. And this is why it is impossible to validate your need to leave when you finally do leave. And this is why we all need to leave, if at all possible. |
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Post by novembercomingfire on Dec 6, 2016 9:20:45 GMT -5
"Do you think so little of me that you can't even contemplate having a sex life with me, your husband?" The primary argument of a refuser: refuse to acknowledge the importance of sex. Belittle it. Refuse to VALIDATE your needs. And this is why it is impossible to validate your need to leave when you finally do leave. And this is why we all need to leave, if at all possible. I like that. "... it is impossible to validate your need to leave ...." That captures a lot for me. I recognize my need for validation is an extreme hindrance to a well lived life. If I can at least commit myself to the idea that uncertainty is OK, if not shake the need to be validated in any way, i might just find freedom. |
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