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Post by cagedtiger on Dec 8, 2016 15:17:56 GMT -5
"She's going to make you out to be the bad guy, " my therapist started, a note of warning in his voice as he spoke.
"In her mind, the issues in your marriage aren't her issues or 'us' issues, they're your issues. And she thinks this is because you're being selfish. And it's going to be devastating for her, but I'm really convinced separating week be best for the both of you."
He was right, of course, if the sudden shift in tone from "let's be 100% sure you're really feeling what you think you're feeling" to "let's talk about your next steps for this separation" was a surprise. Or maybe (more likely), he was waiting for certain keywords to come out of my mouth in session.
Things are happening. I'm meeting with the support network over the weekend to line up things. Next weekend I'll be in my hometown to have a long talk with my parents about everything really going on. January is still the planned exit.
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Post by greatcoastal on Dec 8, 2016 17:15:52 GMT -5
"She's going to make you out to be the bad guy, " my therapist started, a note of warning in his voice as he spoke. "In her mind, the issues in your marriage aren't her issues or 'us' issues, they're your issues. And she thinks this is because you're being selfish. And it's going to be devastating for her, but I'm really convinced separating week be best for the both of you." He was right, of course, if the sudden shift in tone from "let's be 100% sure you're really feeling what you think you're feeling" to "let's talk about your next steps for this separation" was a surprise. Or maybe (more likely), he was waiting for certain keywords to come out of my mouth in session. Things are happening. I'm meeting with the support network over the weekend to line up things. Next weekend I'll be in my hometown to have a long talk with my parents about everything really going on. January is still the planned exit. That's a conclusion you came to yourself a while ago. There is NOTHING wrong with having to hear it from a therapist. For me the reality is that it helped a lot. I remember, it, I quote it, I share it to help others. Why does a therapists seem to want you to come to those conclusions your self? I assume it holds more weight, has more meaning. Meanwhile for me having it told to me was more helpful. Time to initiate some of that military training of yours. Discipline with love. |
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Post by thebaffledking on Dec 8, 2016 17:56:41 GMT -5
January is still the planned exit. RACE YA!!!  |
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Post by ggold on Dec 8, 2016 18:07:53 GMT -5
"She's going to make you out to be the bad guy, " my therapist started, a note of warning in his voice as he spoke. "In her mind, the issues in your marriage aren't her issues or 'us' issues, they're your issues. And she thinks this is because you're being selfish. And it's going to be devastating for her, but I'm really convinced separating week be best for the both of you." He was right, of course, if the sudden shift in tone from "let's be 100% sure you're really feeling what you think you're feeling" to "let's talk about your next steps for this separation" was a surprise. Or maybe (more likely), he was waiting for certain keywords to come out of my mouth in session. Things are happening. I'm meeting with the support network over the weekend to line up things. Next weekend I'll be in my hometown to have a long talk with my parents about everything really going on. January is still the planned exit. . Thinking of you CT. It's not going to be easy. My h and I have our next mediation session in January. The first meeting was more of an info session. The next will be focused on parenting. Stay strong. |
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Post by eternaloptimism on Dec 9, 2016 1:49:49 GMT -5
cagedtiger. Please remember that the people who love you will not care what she says or does to pin this all on you. She will be hurt, angry, upset, etc etc. You just remember that you need to be you. And while you are there you can't. It's not selfish. Not one bit. It's what you need AND it's what she needs. Even if she doesn't understand that yet. Neither of you have the chance of happiness together. Hugs xoxoxo
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Post by baza on Dec 9, 2016 3:22:01 GMT -5
The mission is to get out.
If wearing the "bad guy" Tshirt is going to advance that, then embrace it, and wear it with pride, and purpose.
Presumably you have your legal counsel, alternative living plans, support network all in place at this point, and these are the key things.
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The dropping of the bomb part of the process, whilst dramatic and emotional, is not a particularly vital part of the process.
Most of what you say won't be heard anyway.
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Post by beachguy on Dec 9, 2016 9:15:48 GMT -5
The mission is to get out. If wearing the "bad guy" Tshirt is going to advance that, then embrace it, and wear it with pride, and purpose. ^^^ THIS is what it seems to take in order to hit the eject button and save your life. |
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Post by Deleted on Dec 9, 2016 13:12:45 GMT -5
Good luck, everybody.
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Post by bballgirl on Dec 9, 2016 13:48:33 GMT -5
Don't put stock in her words.
Focus on yourself and what you want for the rest of your life.
Everyone knows there are 3 sides to every story: Mine, yours and the truth.
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Post by cagedtiger on Dec 9, 2016 14:33:09 GMT -5
Don't put stock in her words. Focus on yourself and what you want for the rest of your life. Everyone knows there are 3 sides to every story: Mine, yours and the truth. My therapist didn't pull any punches yesterday. He basically reminded me, "see how unhappy and unfulfilled you are now. Remember, it's really not going to get better, and you can either get out now and live the life post-[wife] that you've no doubt already started to envision for yourself, or you can stay this unhappy and unfulfilled for the rest of your life and hoping she'll change someday." My close friends have been waiting for me to get to the point where I'm ready to leave, and they've all taken turns expressing relief, but knowing they couldn't make the decision for me or try to unfairly influence me. ...and my parents emailed and told my wife that for Christmas, they want "little [Tigers] and [Wives] to spoil." Next weekend's conversation with them is gonna be a blast. |
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Post by beachguy on Dec 9, 2016 14:36:06 GMT -5
In this case listen to your therapist, not your parents!
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Post by cagedtiger on Dec 9, 2016 14:38:56 GMT -5
In this case listen to your therapist, not your parents! That goes without saying. I'm just not looking forward to reminding them, again, that their oldest isn't going to be the first one spawning offspring. I've managed to keep them at bay for a good 10 years now, but it's getting tiresome. |
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Post by bballgirl on Dec 9, 2016 14:45:56 GMT -5
Don't put stock in her words. Focus on yourself and what you want for the rest of your life. Everyone knows there are 3 sides to every story: Mine, yours and the truth. My therapist didn't pull any punches yesterday. He basically reminded me, "see how unhappy and unfulfilled you are now. Remember, it's really not going to get better, and you can either get out now and live the life post-[wife] that you've no doubt already started to envision for yourself, or you can stay this unhappy and unfulfilled for the rest of your life and hoping she'll change someday." My close friends have been waiting for me to get to the point where I'm ready to leave, and they've all taken turns expressing relief, but knowing they couldn't make the decision for me or try to unfairly influence me. ...and my parents emailed and told my wife that for Christmas, they want "little [Tigers] and [Wives] to spoil." Next weekend's conversation with them is gonna be a blast. Your parents will understand. They just want you to be happy. |
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Post by cagedtiger on Dec 9, 2016 14:52:46 GMT -5
My therapist didn't pull any punches yesterday. He basically reminded me, "see how unhappy and unfulfilled you are now. Remember, it's really not going to get better, and you can either get out now and live the life post-[wife] that you've no doubt already started to envision for yourself, or you can stay this unhappy and unfulfilled for the rest of your life and hoping she'll change someday." My close friends have been waiting for me to get to the point where I'm ready to leave, and they've all taken turns expressing relief, but knowing they couldn't make the decision for me or try to unfairly influence me. ...and my parents emailed and told my wife that for Christmas, they want "little [Tigers] and [Wives] to spoil." Next weekend's conversation with them is gonna be a blast. Your parents will understand. They just want you to be happy. "So we got your lists, and are doing all the shopping, except that last thing? Yeah, about that. We haven't even practiced the process at all this calendar year, and only a handful of times last calendar year. So basically, regardless of what you saw at Thanksgiving, everything is essentially exactly the same as it was when we last talked about this 6 months ago. Good thing your other three children all have very lovely long-term significant others, right?" |
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Post by greatcoastal on Dec 9, 2016 15:18:50 GMT -5
In this case listen to your therapist, not your parents! Use that quote from your therapist when stating your case to parents, relatives, friends,and the next person you mentor to ,who is living in a SM. Continue to be the giver that you are, and receive back connections and praise, leading to a more stable fulfilling life ahead of you. |
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