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Post by Deleted on Oct 23, 2016 13:58:18 GMT -5
@heraclitus:
"It saddens me that we have to suffer because of uncaring spouses. That is what they are. It's nothing against you smartcat. It's your husband problem, not yours."
He did have some real health problems, and was going through depression. I think he felt that I was being unreasonable to focus so much on the sex life we had lost. He felt like I didn't appreciate any of the good things that we did still have.
Seeing him in that ill/depressed state all the time made me feel crazy. I was afraid things were going to be bad for the entire rest of our lives. I just couldn't stand that thought.
Maybe if I had been less selfish, and thought more about trying to help him and less about what I wanted, that would have helped.
And I did try to help him. I was always trying to encourage him to get help for his chronic pain issues and his depression. But he would never follow through and consistently keep with any of the things he tried. I almost felt like he resented me for pushing him to be healthier and happier and more like his old self. Like he wanted to stay in the new, miserable state he was in - and he wanted me to accept that.
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Post by greatcoastal on Oct 23, 2016 14:27:19 GMT -5
@heraclitus : "It saddens me that we have to suffer because of uncaring spouses. That is what they are. It's nothing against you smartcat. It's your husband problem, not yours." He did have some real health problems, and was going through depression. I think he felt that I was being unreasonable to focus so much on the sex life we had lost. He felt like I didn't appreciate any of the good things that we did still have. Seeing him in that ill/depressed state all the time made me feel crazy. I was afraid things were going to be bad for the entire rest of our lives. I just couldn't stand that thought. Maybe if I had been less selfish, and thought more about trying to help him and less about what I wanted, that would have helped. And I did try to help him. I was always trying to encourage him to get help for his chronic pain issues and his depression. But he would never follow through and consistently keep with any of the things he tried. I almost felt like he resented me for pushing him to be healthier and happier and more like his old self. Like he wanted to stay in the new, miserable state he was in - and he wanted me to accept that. Ooohhh...Maaan.....It goes back to the old saying, you can't help those who won't help themselves. Your spouse sounds like he found his comfort, worth,value in being a life long victim demanding power and control through sympathy. My spouse takes power and control through denying, avoiding, reversing, that anything is wrong, as long as it's done her way, and someone else is to blame for it. Or just go on pretending that everything is fine. |
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Post by beachguy on Oct 23, 2016 15:00:45 GMT -5
@heraclitus: "It saddens me that we have to suffer because of uncaring spouses. That is what they are. It's nothing against you smartcat. It's your husband problem, not yours." He did have some real health problems, and was going through depression. I think he felt that I was being unreasonable to focus so much on the sex life we had lost. He felt like I didn't appreciate any of the good things that we did still have. Seeing him in that ill/depressed state all the time made me feel crazy. I was afraid things were going to be bad for the entire rest of our lives. I just couldn't stand that thought. Maybe if I had been less selfish, and thought more about trying to help him and less about what I wanted, that would have helped. And I did try to help him. I was always trying to encourage him to get help for his chronic pain issues and his depression. But he would never follow through and consistently keep with any of the things he tried. I almost felt like he resented me for pushing him to be healthier and happier and more like his old self. Like he wanted to stay in the new, miserable state he was in - and he wanted me to accept that. It wasn't your job to go down with his ship. |
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Post by GeekGoddess on Oct 23, 2016 15:51:55 GMT -5
I can't believe that I am the only one..... I'm not sure what counts as menopause. I didn't have periods for about 10(?) yrs due to Depo (the birth control shot) then got my tubes tied. The first year, maybe had 6. Then even more sparse a couple years. The last 2-3 yrs, I only have 1 or 2 annually. No hot flashes or other "classic" symptoms that I know of. But I really don't even know if that means I'm "in" it or not. I don't think it matters to find out if there aren't any issues. |
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Post by solodriver on Oct 23, 2016 18:35:10 GMT -5
Sadly, since menopause, she finds anything sexual disgusting.
I don't know - I can see menopause leading to lack of desire, particularly if sex was all about feeling turned on rather than intimacy or connection. But to get to the point of actual disgust there has to be some other issue there too. well I can't get her to tell me why the change. She just tells me she thinks it's disgusting to play with myself and I should not be doing that. I guess she thinks it's something I should outgrow. I hope I never outgrow it.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 23, 2016 21:27:56 GMT -5
I don't know - I can see menopause leading to lack of desire, particularly if sex was all about feeling turned on rather than intimacy or connection. But to get to the point of actual disgust there has to be some other issue there too. well I can't get her to tell me why the change. She just tells me she thinks it's disgusting to play with myself and I should not be doing that. I guess she thinks it's something I should outgrow. I hope I never outgrow it.
This is bullshit. Maybe she finds sex disgusting but she doesn't have to make you feel guilty about your one sexual outlet. That's just plain mean. Well just me I'd say I'm disgusted with our marriage, my people will call your people. That's just me. |
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Post by GeekGoddess on Oct 23, 2016 22:08:06 GMT -5
well I can't get her to tell me why the change. She just tells me she thinks it's disgusting to play with myself and I should not be doing that. I guess she thinks it's something I should outgrow. I hope I never outgrow it.
This is bullshit. Maybe she finds sex disgusting but she doesn't have to make you feel guilty about your one sexual outlet. That's just plain mean. Well just me I'd say I'm disgusted with our marriage, my people will call your people. That's just me. Hear hear on the shaming behavior- she should not be lecturing you about it. Masturbating is perfectly natural, safe, clean & GOOD FOR YOU. I had a gland stop up from lack of use. After recovery the doctor literally suggested to me that more is better. The live partner was no help. So I took care of me. On another thread, I had seen speculation that less release is related to prostate troubles. I can't say it's true but it sounds right. If she won't help, she should at least get off your case about it! |
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Post by solodriver on Oct 23, 2016 22:24:33 GMT -5
phinheasgage and GeekGoddess,
Thank you so much for your understanding and support.
In an another thread, I shared that because my wife no longer cares about my needs, she has no say in how I deal with those needs.
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Post by csl on Oct 23, 2016 22:30:52 GMT -5
phinheasgage and GeekGoddess,
Thank you so much for your understanding and support.
In an another thread, I shared that because my wife no longer cares about my needs, she has no say in how I deal with those needs.
You have told her that, right? An old Fibber McGee and Molly show had a man tell the story of how he got a black eye. It seems Sweetieface, his "big, ol' wife" asked him how he liked her new hat. His line went something like this: "Frankly, dear, it looks like it should be on a mule. It's ugly and horrible. And then, out loud, I said, "It's simply beautiful, dear." Fibber asked how he got the black eye, since his reply was so mild. He answeredd, "She knows me so well." |
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Post by beachguy on Oct 24, 2016 12:23:50 GMT -5
@heraclitus: "It saddens me that we have to suffer because of uncaring spouses. That is what they are. It's nothing against you smartcat. It's your husband problem, not yours." He did have some real health problems, and was going through depression. I think he felt that I was being unreasonable to focus so much on the sex life we had lost. He felt like I didn't appreciate any of the good things that we did still have. Seeing him in that ill/depressed state all the time made me feel crazy. I was afraid things were going to be bad for the entire rest of our lives. I just couldn't stand that thought. Maybe if I had been less selfish, and thought more about trying to help him and less about what I wanted, that would have helped. And I did try to help him. I was always trying to encourage him to get help for his chronic pain issues and his depression. But he would never follow through and consistently keep with any of the things he tried. I almost felt like he resented me for pushing him to be healthier and happier and more like his old self. Like he wanted to stay in the new, miserable state he was in - and he wanted me to accept that. @smartcat, over and over you talk about feeling selfish for wanting some happiness in your life... Happiness is not supposed to be a zero sum game where you sacrifice all your happiness just so your spouse can have some. Your role in life is more than being a Sacrificial Lamb. I hope with time you can come to terms with this. I think you went more than the mile required of you. Far more. |
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Post by beachguy on Oct 24, 2016 15:32:15 GMT -5
I don't know - I can see menopause leading to lack of desire, particularly if sex was all about feeling turned on rather than intimacy or connection. But to get to the point of actual disgust there has to be some other issue there too. well I can't get her to tell me why the change. She just tells me she thinks it's disgusting to play with myself and I should not be doing that. I guess she thinks it's something I should outgrow. I hope I never outgrow it.
...There's a question I would like you to ask your wife, purely in the interest of science... "You used to enjoy me masturbating. You've changed and YOU now find that disgusting. Why should I change my habits and pleasures just because you've changed?" You have expressed a common theme here where spouses not only stop desiring sex but they not only find it repulsive now but they seem to have forgotten they ever enjoyed it? I really don't get that. |
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Post by JonDoe on Nov 12, 2016 19:31:40 GMT -5
Hub leaves me alone every night while he goes out to the living room to watch his history videos. Lelo and I have a pleasurable time together. Afterward, I wrap her up in a paper towel and zip her back into her little cosmetic bag and drop it beside the bed to be cleaned up in the morning. I know he knows what is in the bag. I don't hide it. I'm thinking of changing my name to "Lelo". Paging Dr. Lelo Lickalottapuss |
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