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Post by JonDoe on Oct 20, 2016 23:55:50 GMT -5
We are facing similar battles. She doesn't like kissing, cuddling, initiation, intimacy either. For me, threatening to leave produces periods of great sex. But it's too risky. For both of us. She doesn't want a divorce, neither do I. (Mutual forces of love involved.) So I won't settle for a long dry spell. And she won't settle for frequent sex. At least the stars don't have to be completely aligned for root-making to occur. I haven't read the 5 Love Languages but I've read another excellent book called His Needs Her Needs. My w was pleased that I would read a book on saving our marriage (she wasn't excited to read it before I returned to library) and she's nicer. Seems like your wife has an edge in your marriage. You will need to even it out some. Probably when she realizes she may lose you. I gave her the ultimatum about 5 years ago. Things got much better for a while, but just like Oprah on a diet, it didn't last. Have you checked out "One Extraordinary Marriage" podcasts? They highly suggest scheduling sex as well as taking the 7 day sex challenge and 30 day sex challenge. Tried it with the wife several years ago, but she didn't make it past day 3 before she waived the white flag. |
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Post by lwoetin on Oct 21, 2016 0:13:20 GMT -5
I haven't checked it out but I will.
If you are suggesting that I expect w to have 7 straight days of sex (or 30, hahaha), then that is extremely improbable, unless she is forced to do so in an ultimatum. My w would rather divorce me. She doesn't need me that badly.
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Post by csl on Oct 21, 2016 4:47:57 GMT -5
My wife friend without benefits " worked" from home today. So before I left for work I throughly cleaned and dried the bottle of lube, but it was wet and slippery when I returned home from work 12 hours later. I should have added some Icy Hot! Sounds pathetic, right? Well, for ILIASM types it is like cheating when your partner goes solo. Am I the only one that feels that way? I'm one of those who believe in a well-timed, well-deserved Holy Hissyfit. Mr. Milquetoast should be subsumed into a rant of major proportion, biblical even. Confront and demand an explanation. Then go from there. |
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Post by csl on Oct 21, 2016 4:53:27 GMT -5
I sometimes vacillate between wanting to ruin her life to wanting to make her day. She has a body the likes of which I may never see again in two lifetimes. Our life would be nearly perfect if we had sex twice a week. For Christ sake, we are only talking about 1-2 hours a week, and she enjoys the sex! I just can't keep doing this rollercoaster. Phuket! It is good that she enjoys having sex with you. Is it a matter of frequency? In essence, it seems that the message is "I want to have sex; I just don't want to have sex with you." |
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Post by Dan on Oct 21, 2016 7:49:46 GMT -5
My husband told me he has no need to masturbate. ... I have a cold one here too! Ditto for my wife. Sorry, JonDoe : as much as it seem insensitive of her to "go it alone" and leave you blueballed, at least it means there is a spark/urge/hunger there that MAYBE you can tap in to if the stars align. Me: I'm ready to serve up gourmet meals to someone who just doesn't want to eat! |
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Post by Deleted on Oct 21, 2016 8:27:18 GMT -5
Talk of ultimatums...just remember, you have to mean it. Like really, like X will happen or the marriage is over. If you're just playing chicken, you'll lose.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 21, 2016 8:34:56 GMT -5
We are facing similar battles. She doesn't like kissing, cuddling, initiation, intimacy either. For me, threatening to leave produces periods of great sex. But it's too risky. For both of us. She doesn't want a divorce, neither do I. (Mutual forces of love involved.) So I won't settle for a long dry spell. And she won't settle for frequent sex. At least the stars don't have to be completely aligned for root-making to occur. I haven't read the 5 Love Languages but I've read another excellent book called His Needs Her Needs. My w was pleased that I would read a book on saving our marriage (she wasn't excited to read it before I returned to library) and she's nicer. Seems like your wife has an edge in your marriage. You will need to even it out some. Probably when she realizes she may lose you. I gave her the ultimatum about 5 years ago. Things got much better for a while, but just like Oprah on a diet, it didn't last. Have you checked out "One Extraordinary Marriage" podcasts? They highly suggest scheduling sex as well as taking the 7 day sex challenge and 30 day sex challenge. Tried it with the wife several years ago, but she didn't make it past day 3 before she waived the white flag. I agree with scheduling sex. It sounds contrived and vanilla but I tell you I start getting little tingles in my loins on Friday night in anticipation of Saturday afternoon. Of course, we both want to. With a spouse who would rather not, they'll see it as one more thing on their to do list. |
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Post by Dan on Oct 21, 2016 8:45:07 GMT -5
Talk of ultimatums...just remember, you have to mean it. Like really, like X will happen or the marriage is over. If you're just playing chicken, you'll lose. I'm not fundamentally opposed to an "ultimatum"... though I might soften the term a bit by saying "be clear and direct about your needs; know and be willing to speak of your plans if they are not met." BUT my experience is not only did "laying it out bluntly" NOT provide a path to improvement, they LESSENED the chance of improvement. Why? Because of the way my wife's brain works. When I said "we're not having enough quantity and variety of sex; I'm thinking of leaving the marriage"... SHE CRUMBLED. Her fear that I was even contemplating leaving the marriage made her -- in her words -- not trust me (that I would "be there no matter what"), and that lack of trust means she couldn't feel close to me, and that lack of closeness meant she was EVEN LESS interested in sex. After years in the doghouse for even uttering "divorce has crossed my mind", she got to a place of sufficient trust to be willing to make a feeble "let's try to be intimate again". By that time, I think I had pretty much checked out. So did the "ultimatum" bring the demise? In a sense... but it is probably more accurate to say our underlying severe difference of needs is really what is leading to our split. Anyway, just adding my word of caution: If you are earnestly using the "be blunt approach" to try to encourage a better love life... know your spouse. It might backfire. (Then again, for me the prior 15 years of soft-pedaling the information "I need more" wasn't working either...) |
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Post by Dan on Oct 21, 2016 8:47:32 GMT -5
Have you checked out "One Extraordinary Marriage" podcasts? They highly suggest scheduling sex as well as taking the 7 day sex challenge and 30 day sex challenge. Tried it with the wife several years ago, but she didn't make it past day 3 before she waived the white flag. I agree with scheduling sex. It sounds contrived and vanilla but I tell you I start getting little tingles in my loins on Friday night in anticipation of Saturday afternoon. Of course, we both want to. With a spouse who would rather not, they'll see it as one more thing on their to do list. I just decided to start a thread on " The Forty Beads" method, which is pretty much on this topic -- it is one system of "scheduling things" that is a little more flexible than picking a single night of the week. |
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Post by eternaloptimism on Oct 21, 2016 9:25:25 GMT -5
We are facing similar battles. She doesn't like kissing, cuddling, initiation, intimacy either. For me, threatening to leave produces periods of great sex. But it's too risky. For both of us. She doesn't want a divorce, neither do I. (Mutual forces of love involved.) So I won't settle for a long dry spell. And she won't settle for frequent sex. At least the stars don't have to be completely aligned for root-making to occur. I haven't read the 5 Love Languages but I've read another excellent book called His Needs Her Needs. My w was pleased that I would read a book on saving our marriage (she wasn't excited to read it before I returned to library) and she's nicer. Seems like your wife has an edge in your marriage. You will need to even it out some. Probably when she realizes she may lose you. I gave her the ultimatum about 5 years ago. Things got much better for a while, but just like Oprah on a diet, it didn't last. Have you checked out "One Extraordinary Marriage" podcasts? They highly suggest scheduling sex as well as taking the 7 day sex challenge and 30 day sex challenge. Tried it with the wife several years ago, but she didn't make it past day 3 before she waived the white flag. Downloaded some of these today, thanks JonDoe. Some on codependency too. Have been crying and I hate crying! There was some very good stuff on there. I'm on a mission! |
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Post by Deleted on Oct 21, 2016 11:08:59 GMT -5
Back in my deal, had there been two roots a week, then the description of my deal would have been "a dysfunctional marriage where we have two roots a week". - And quite likely, I would have been very inclined to stay in such a deal. It would have had at least some compensating sex to offset the rest of the issues present in the deal. And I doubt I would ever have googled 'sexless marriage'. - A hell of a lot of people arrive here taking a position that - "everything is great bar the sex". - In most cases that position does not hold up under objective examination. The paucity of sex invariably is the tip of a deeply dysfunctional iceberg. So it was in my deal too. What I always say: It isn't true that "everything's great bar the sex." It's more that having a reasonable sex life makes the other problems easier to deal with. |
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Post by Deleted on Oct 21, 2016 11:14:58 GMT -5
@phinheasgage:
"I agree with scheduling sex. It sounds contrived and vanilla but I tell you I start getting little tingles in my loins on Friday night in anticipation of Saturday afternoon. Of course, we both want to. With a spouse who would rather not, they'll see it as one more thing on their to do list."
Or they will happen to have an upset stomach, a sinus headache, etc. Or a pet will want attention. Or they will bustle around doing 100 stupid unnecessary chores for 30 minutes while you wait in the bedroom.
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Post by Dan on Oct 21, 2016 11:27:00 GMT -5
What I always say: It isn't true that "everything's great bar the sex." It's more that having a reasonable sex life makes the other problems easier to deal with. This is exactly the sentiment I describe in “ How My Sexless Marriage Is Exactly Like a Bad Knee”. |
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Post by csl on Oct 21, 2016 12:33:12 GMT -5
What I always say: It isn't true that "everything's great bar the sex." It's more that having a reasonable sex life makes the other problems easier to deal with. This is exactly the sentiment I describe in “ How My Sexless Marriage Is Exactly Like a Bad Knee”. Exactly the theme of my colorful Plucked Chicken post. Some think I went a little over the top with my illustration, but I hope I drove the point home. |
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Post by iceman on Oct 21, 2016 12:36:41 GMT -5
I would be quite upset if I found out that my wife is pleasuring herself while she repeatedly rejects me. I would probably have the same feelings as if I found out she was banging another guy (or girl, though I'd definitely be turned on by that given my fantasy of having a threesome with my wife and another woman. Sorry, I digress ...) Rejecting you while still having sex of some sort without you is so cruel. She couldn't be much more cruel. I do take some solace in the fact that with the exception of VERY rare instances when she finds her sexuality for a second that she is just asexual and the problem isn't directly with me. That's what I keep telling myself at least. Rationalization is a wonderful thing at times ...
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