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Post by solodriver on Oct 22, 2016 14:18:08 GMT -5
My wife used to enjoy watching me pleasuring and even encouraged me by whispering in my ear while watching. Now she finds it totally disgusting and never wants to do that again.
Um, I'm sorry but maybe something or someone else is going on with her? Sadly, since menopause, she finds anything sexual disgusting.
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Post by Rhapsodee on Oct 22, 2016 14:42:50 GMT -5
Um, I'm sorry but maybe something or someone else is going on with her? Sadly, since menopause, she finds anything sexual disgusting.
Menopause does that to some women. Not me though. I went the other direction. I've been in menopause for 13 years and for some reason I don't have any of the issues that go along with it. Maybe it's genetics. Who knows. |
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Post by solodriver on Oct 22, 2016 15:27:07 GMT -5
Sadly, since menopause, she finds anything sexual disgusting.
Menopause does that to some women. Not me though. I went the other direction. I've been in menopause for 13 years and for some reason I don't have any of the issues that go along with it. Maybe it's genetics. Who knows. And thank god for that my friend. It means there's hope that I may meet someone like yourself one day that can share the passion that we so desperately are seeking.
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Post by Rhapsodee on Oct 22, 2016 15:47:20 GMT -5
I can't believe that I am the only one.....
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Post by solodriver on Oct 22, 2016 16:04:28 GMT -5
I can't believe that I am the only one..... As I'm learning on here, you're not the only one. Before I came on this site, I thought that most women, after menopause, lost their sexual desire and that was just the way it was. Thankfully, I'm finding out that is not true. I do find older women can be very sexy and hot if they still have that desire.
I will be 57 next Sunday and my sex drive is very strong. I would do it daily (twice or three time even, lol) if I had someone with that kind of drive. The only difference for me now is that it takes me longer to get to the finish line for myself. But that's not necessarily bad, especially for my partner. It means we can enjoy the passion longer and I may help her achieve several orgasms before I do, which would be fun for me.
Maybe I will have that chance some day.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 22, 2016 17:15:43 GMT -5
rhapsodee,
If you were my wife, you would not need Lelo. What is wrong with these men? I thought it was women who withheld the most. I was shocked at the number of women on here.
Ladies, there are men out there that like sex and want to make you feel good. Please do not settle for these men who do not meet your needs.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 22, 2016 19:32:46 GMT -5
I can't believe that I am the only one..... You aren't. @heraclitus and solodriver, thanks for the affirmation. Because the whole world thinks all men want sex all the time - when a man doesn't, his woman almost always feels that it's because there must be something terrible wrong with her. I'm still trying to repair my self-esteem. It's so damaging to be in a relationship with somebody you love for years, and things seem to be great...and then they don't want to do anything sexual with you anymore. Even in my situation - where he did have some health problems - I just have to wonder. Did he not have good memories of our sex life? Weren't those memories good enough to motivate him to try to get us back to where we used to be? I'm not even a nympho (I don't think.) I'd be happy with sex once or twice a week. I don't think that's excessive. |
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Post by Deleted on Oct 22, 2016 20:31:16 GMT -5
[....] BUT my experience is not only did "laying it out bluntly" NOT provide a path to improvement, they LESSENED the chance of improvement. Why? Because of the way my wife's brain works. When I said "we're not having enough quantity and variety of sex; I'm thinking of leaving the marriage"... SHE CRUMBLED. Her fear that I was even contemplating leaving the marriage made her -- in her words -- not trust me (that I would "be there no matter what"), and that lack of trust means she couldn't feel close to me, and that lack of closeness meant she was EVEN LESS interested in sex. [....] Yes, I'm very familiar with this dynamic! I usually get an added, mind-twisting "Don't worry, I really am very interested in sex" prefixed onto "but now there's a new reason I can't do it." We're now haunted by a new, additional specter named commitment. The 15 years of marriage, the children, the you-don't-have-to-lift-a-finger financial security don't count. That I would even dare to entertain the possibility it could end---well, now I'm not the man she thought she married, and our views on commitment may be so totally incompatible that she can't possibly like, love, and be attracted to me anymore. Good, then she should have no problem with the divorce you are about to announce. |
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Post by Deleted on Oct 22, 2016 20:35:42 GMT -5
Jon, You did not give her an ultimatum and mean it. You're still in the marriage. Exactly. If you truly give an ultimatum, you will no longer be in a sexless marriage. You will either be in a sexed marriage or no marriage. If you're not ready to accept either of these outcomes, don't give an ultimatum. |
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Post by baza on Oct 22, 2016 20:58:08 GMT -5
And, taking that backward by one stage - you need the appropriate legal advice in your jurisdiction, an exit strategy in do-able shape, your support network (including a personal counsellor if appropriate) in place, and all the research you can find about helping kids transition through such an event.
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In other words, be prepped for the end of the marriage as a distinct probability.
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THEN, with a viable alternative, you can proceed to "the talk" / "ultimatum" / "clear warning" or however you choose to put the deal on the line.
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If you attempt some half arsed threat that you have no plan - or no will - to follow through with, all you'll do is shred your cred, and educate your spouse that what you might say need not be taken terribly seriously.
And that, will hurtle you backwards, by quite some distance.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 22, 2016 20:58:58 GMT -5
Well said! One roll I see for the ultimatum is this: presuming things are not actually fixable, but you deliver a clear "ultimatum", then when it is time for The Talk™, at least you know you've been clear that you were clear about your needs, and clear about the pending consequences. In other words, it might not help the marriage, but might give you a slightly clearer conscience about the divorce. (And as divorce-averse as those of us enduring SMs seem to be, every little bit helps!) I have mixed feelings about ultimatums. Well, not really. Actually, I think they're crap. On one hand, it might evoke a change on their part. Maybe they're just so goddamn thick-headed that they refuse to take your complaints seriously until you're on the brink of a nuclear launch. Maybe they really will snap to consciousness and realize how they've been neglecting you. And maybe pigs will fly. Seriously... do you really want to *invest* your *life* with someone who has to be threatened to provide what you need? They've shown you who they are, and it's not the person you want to be with. How could you ever trust that their emotions are genuine if you've told them "You must act like this or suffer destruction"? Or are you deluding yourself that they've changed, but in reality you've only procrastinated? Only to repeat the scenario in another 5, 10 years when your "survivability" from going nuclear is even lower? Ultimatums are a game for nation states. They can't escape each other - they have to flex muscle, play chicken, overcome the current conflict, and possibly repeat the cycle again in the future. But us... we have the option of creating distance from the problem. I think the most they deserve is a clear warning: "If we stay this course, here's where it leads". Facts, not threats. You are right, you should stick to the facts. And you can tell someone what you are going to do. If X happens, I stay. If Y happens, I leave. A fact. An ultimatum is not one more excruciating Talk. It's not requesting anything. I don't even see it as a form of coercion. It's informing another person what you are going to do if there is not a change in circumstances. Now it's up to them whether to change the circumstances. If they will not or cannot, you do what you said you were going to do. If you're not willing to do it, don't say it. All of which implies too that if you are convinced your spouse cannot change, then just get a divorce. No need to talk about anything really except the kids and the money. An ultimatum is pointless if you know it won't result in a desirable set of circumstances in your marriage. |
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Post by Deleted on Oct 22, 2016 22:42:20 GMT -5
I can't believe that I am the only one..... You aren't. @heraclitus and solodriver , thanks for the affirmation. Because the whole world thinks all men want sex all the time - when a man doesn't, his woman almost always feels that it's because there must be something terrible wrong with her. I'm still trying to repair my self-esteem. It's so damaging to be in a relationship with somebody you love for years, and things seem to be great...and then they don't want to do anything sexual with you anymore. Even in my situation - where he did have some health problems - I just have to wonder. Did he not have good memories of our sex life? Weren't those memories good enough to motivate him to try to get us back to where we used to be? I'm not even a nympho (I don't think.) I'd be happy with sex once or twice a week. I don't think that's excessive Wanting sex twice a week is not unreasonable. You're not a nympho. I really do not understand how people can turn away from their partners. I do not care that my wife is getting older. I like having sex with her because it's fun and deep. We know each other and can be ourselves. It saddens me that we have to suffer because of uncaring spouses. That is what they are. It's nothing against you smartcat. It's your husband problem, not yours. |
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Post by Deleted on Oct 22, 2016 22:53:21 GMT -5
I can't believe that I am the only one..... As I'm learning on here, you're not the only one. Before I came on this site, I thought that most women, after menopause, lost their sexual desire and that was just the way it was. Thankfully, I'm finding out that is not true. I do find older women can be very sexy and hot if they still have that desire.
I will be 57 next Sunday and my sex drive is very strong. I would do it daily (twice or three time even, lol) if I had someone with that kind of drive. The only difference for me now is that it takes me longer to get to the finish line for myself. But that's not necessarily bad, especially for my partner. It means we can enjoy the passion longer and I may help her achieve several orgasms before I do, which would be fun for me.
Maybe I will have that chance some day.
Yeah middle age has its sexual benefits. When I was 20 sex was like driving through a small town...blink and you missed it. |
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Post by solodriver on Oct 22, 2016 23:11:57 GMT -5
I can't believe that I am the only one..... You aren't. @heraclitus and solodriver , thanks for the affirmation. Because the whole world thinks all men want sex all the time - when a man doesn't, his woman almost always feels that it's because there must be something terrible wrong with her. I'm still trying to repair my self-esteem. It's so damaging to be in a relationship with somebody you love for years, and things seem to be great...and then they don't want to do anything sexual with you anymore. Even in my situation - where he did have some health problems - I just have to wonder. Did he not have good memories of our sex life? Weren't those memories good enough to motivate him to try to get us back to where we used to be? I'm not even a nympho (I don't think.) I'd be happy with sex once or twice a week. I don't think that's excessive. But if you were a nympho, that would be very alright also  |
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Post by unmatched on Oct 23, 2016 3:49:49 GMT -5
Um, I'm sorry but maybe something or someone else is going on with her? Sadly, since menopause, she finds anything sexual disgusting.
I don't know - I can see menopause leading to lack of desire, particularly if sex was all about feeling turned on rather than intimacy or connection. But to get to the point of actual disgust there has to be some other issue there too. |
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