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Post by Deleted on Oct 21, 2016 12:49:51 GMT -5
@phinheasgage: "I agree with scheduling sex. It sounds contrived and vanilla but I tell you I start getting little tingles in my loins on Friday night in anticipation of Saturday afternoon. Of course, we both want to. With a spouse who would rather not, they'll see it as one more thing on their to do list." Or they will happen to have an upset stomach, a sinus headache, etc. Or a pet will want attention. Or they will bustle around doing 100 stupid unnecessary chores for 30 minutes while you wait in the bedroom. Yes, refusing can be scheduled too LOL. |
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Post by DryCreek on Oct 21, 2016 19:46:40 GMT -5
I would be quite upset if I found out that my wife is pleasuring herself while she repeatedly rejects me. I would probably have the same feelings as if I found out she was banging another guy [...] I've given this one some thought over the years and concluded that while I'd be hurt, at least I'd know that she could be sexually alive with someone else. And I'd feel much less remorse while dialing an attorney. JonDoe - chili oil. |
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Post by JonDoe on Oct 21, 2016 20:21:42 GMT -5
 LOL. Keep the suggestions coming..... by by the way, it's a clear plastic bottle with a clear liquid. If the concoction turns colors or cloudy or has an odor I'm had.
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Post by Rhapsodee on Oct 22, 2016 1:02:43 GMT -5
My stbx never showed any signs of sexuality. If she ever went solo she hid it well. I'm not sure which is worse. I had a cold dead corpse. Your W shows some signs of life. Which is worse? My husband told me he has no need to masturbate. If he does, he also hides it well. I have a cold one here too! I cant even imagine my hub masturbating. It would be really cool if he did though! |
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Post by Rhapsodee on Oct 22, 2016 1:18:53 GMT -5
Hub leaves me alone every night while he goes out to the living room to watch his history videos. Lelo and I have a pleasurable time together. Afterward, I wrap her up in a paper towel and zip her back into her little cosmetic bag and drop it beside the bed to be cleaned up in the morning. I know he knows what is in the bag. I don't hide it.
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Post by solodriver on Oct 22, 2016 3:24:27 GMT -5
Since my wife doesn't care about my needs, she doesn't get a say on how I deal with it.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 22, 2016 8:13:16 GMT -5
Talk of ultimatums...just remember, you have to mean it. Like really, like X will happen or the marriage is over. If you're just playing chicken, you'll lose. I'm not fundamentally opposed to an "ultimatum"... though I might soften the term a bit by saying "be clear and direct about your needs; know and be willing to speak of your plans if they are not met." BUT my experience is not only did "laying it out bluntly" NOT provide a path to improvement, they LESSENED the chance of improvement. Why? Because of the way my wife's brain works. When I said "we're not having enough quantity and variety of sex; I'm thinking of leaving the marriage"... SHE CRUMBLED. Her fear that I was even contemplating leaving the marriage made her -- in her words -- not trust me (that I would "be there no matter what"), and that lack of trust means she couldn't feel close to me, and that lack of closeness meant she was EVEN LESS interested in sex. After years in the doghouse for even uttering "divorce has crossed my mind", she got to a place of sufficient trust to be willing to make a feeble "let's try to be intimate again". By that time, I think I had pretty much checked out. So did the "ultimatum" bring the demise? In a sense... but it is probably more accurate to say our underlying severe difference of needs is really what is leading to our split. Anyway, just adding my word of caution: If you are earnestly using the "be blunt approach" to try to encourage a better love life... know your spouse. It might backfire. (Then again, for me the prior 15 years of soft-pedaling the information "I need more" wasn't working either...) You're absolutely right, Dan. An ultimatum may have a crushing effect on your spouse and your marriage. We talk about ultimatums a lot and perhaps too loosely. An ultimatum is not another Talk. It is not talk at all. It is action. Up to the point of an ultimatum, you have been the Secretary of State, employing diplomacy, aid, compromise and dialogue in the hope of arriving at a mutually acceptable set of circumstances. When that fails, you can accept the less than acceptable circumstances...or you can turn it over to the Generals. An ultimatum is the nuclear option after all else has failed and you can't go on like this anymore. It is not for the sake of the marriage. It is for the sake of you. YOU are at the point where YOU are unable to continue, and YOU have unilaterally decided to end it unless some significant, concrete, and immediate change is seen. Now. This is it. Your finger is on the button and you're not bluffing. This isn't the Cuban Missile Crisis. It's not a standoff, bluff, or game of Chicken. It's not that complex. It's brutally simple: give me what I want or I blow up the world. It's not an attempt to fix it. It's not another try. It is a demand backed up by severe negative motivation. So yeah, don't go there unless you are truly depleted and you are truly willing to devastate your spouse and dissolve your marriage. |
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Post by Deleted on Oct 22, 2016 9:10:55 GMT -5
Jon,
You did not give her an ultimatum and mean it. You're still in the marriage.
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Post by Dan on Oct 22, 2016 9:20:50 GMT -5
I'm not fundamentally opposed to an "ultimatum"... though I might soften the term a bit by saying "be clear and direct about your needs; know and be willing to speak of your plans if they are not met." BUT my experience is not only did "laying it out bluntly" NOT provide a path to improvement, they LESSENED the chance of improvement.... You're absolutely right, Dan. An ultimatum may have a crushing effect on your spouse and your marriage. ... .... It is not for the sake of the marriage. It is for the sake of you. YOU are at the point where YOU are unable to continue, and YOU have unilaterally decided to end it unless some significant, concrete, and immediate change is seen. Now. Well said! One roll I see for the ultimatum is this: presuming things are not actually fixable, but you deliver a clear "ultimatum", then when it is time for The Talk™, at least you know you've been clear that you were clear about your needs, and clear about the pending consequences. In other words, it might not help the marriage, but might give you a slightly clearer conscience about the divorce. (And as divorce-averse as those of us enduring SMs seem to be, every little bit helps!) |
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Post by ted on Oct 22, 2016 9:24:14 GMT -5
Hub leaves me alone every night while he goes out to the living room to watch his history videos. Lelo and I have a pleasurable time together. Afterward, I wrap her up in a paper towel and zip her back into her little cosmetic bag and drop it beside the bed to be cleaned up in the morning. I know he knows what is in the bag. I don't hide it. I wish I would have had the idea and the courage to do things like this when I was living with my wife. Like, I should have done this right next to her at night as we were falling asleep. Unfortunately, sex was such a shameful topic, and I was already such a "bad" person for bringing it up "all the time" that I embarrassingly hid what I did to relieve the tension. Boy, if she had ever found me, or seen me doing it next to her, or if had we talked about what I do alone---I can only imagine her angry, indignant, oh-my-gosh-what-kind-of-monster-are-you reaction. In hindsight, I firmly believe I should have pushed that button and started that conversation. Why do I accept her stigmatization of our sexuality?  |
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Post by Dan on Oct 22, 2016 9:32:22 GMT -5
Hub leaves me alone every night while he goes out to the living room to watch his history videos. Lelo and I have a pleasurable time together. Afterward, I wrap her up in a paper towel and zip her back into her little cosmetic bag and drop it beside the bed to be cleaned up in the morning. I know he knows what is in the bag. I don't hide it. I'm thinking of changing my name to "Lelo". |
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Post by Dan on Oct 22, 2016 9:35:39 GMT -5
Hub leaves me alone every night while he goes out to the living room to watch his history videos. Lelo and I have a pleasurable time together. Afterward, I wrap her up in a paper towel and zip her back into her little cosmetic bag and drop it beside the bed to be cleaned up in the morning. I know he knows what is in the bag. I don't hide it. I wish I would have had the idea and the courage to do things like this when I was living with my wife. Like, I should have done this right next to her at night as we were falling asleep. Unfortunately, sex was such a shameful topic, and I was already such a "bad" person for bringing it up "all the time" that I embarrassingly hid what I did to relieve the tension. Boy, if she had ever found me, or seen me doing it next to her, or if had we talked about what I do alone---I can only imagine her angry, indignant, oh-my-gosh-what-kind-of-monster-are-you reaction. In hindsight, I firmly believe I should have pushed that button and started that conversation. Why do I accept her stigmatization of our sexuality? YOU GO, BROTHER! Sorry, just seemed to be the right thing to say, and right way to say it! |
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Post by ted on Oct 22, 2016 9:55:01 GMT -5
[....] BUT my experience is not only did "laying it out bluntly" NOT provide a path to improvement, they LESSENED the chance of improvement. Why? Because of the way my wife's brain works. When I said "we're not having enough quantity and variety of sex; I'm thinking of leaving the marriage"... SHE CRUMBLED. Her fear that I was even contemplating leaving the marriage made her -- in her words -- not trust me (that I would "be there no matter what"), and that lack of trust means she couldn't feel close to me, and that lack of closeness meant she was EVEN LESS interested in sex. [....] Yes, I'm very familiar with this dynamic! I usually get an added, mind-twisting "Don't worry, I really am very interested in sex" prefixed onto "but now there's a new reason I can't do it." We're now haunted by a new, additional specter named commitment. The 15 years of marriage, the children, the you-don't-have-to-lift-a-finger financial security don't count. That I would even dare to entertain the possibility it could end---well, now I'm not the man she thought she married, and our views on commitment may be so totally incompatible that she can't possibly like, love, and be attracted to me anymore. |
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Post by Rhapsodee on Oct 22, 2016 11:02:52 GMT -5
Hub leaves me alone every night while he goes out to the living room to watch his history videos. Lelo and I have a pleasurable time together. Afterward, I wrap her up in a paper towel and zip her back into her little cosmetic bag and drop it beside the bed to be cleaned up in the morning. I know he knows what is in the bag. I don't hide it. I'm thinking of changing my name to "Lelo". Done. |
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Post by deleted on Oct 22, 2016 11:11:25 GMT -5
Boy, if she had ever found me, or seen me doing it next to her, or if had we talked about what I do alone---I can only imagine her angry, indignant, oh-my-gosh-what-kind-of-monster-are-you reaction. In hindsight, I firmly believe I should have pushed that button and started that conversation. Why do I accept her stigmatization of our sexuality? Bro, that really suck ass. I don't really try to hide it from the wife. If I was caught I can guarantee that she would dislike the conversation that unfolded far more than I would. Let's face the true facts here. 1. I married a person who I find sexually attractive. 2. I liked having sex. 3. The spouse above doesn't want to have sex with me. 4. She lost the right to complain about me pleasuring myself. This situation bugs the crap out of me. Refusing spouses should never complain about sex. They are the ones falling down in the job. I mean, I still go to work everyday and I don't ignore my responsibilities. |
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LOL. Keep the suggestions coming.....
