Nowhere To Go For Answers

Nope.

I would agree, but not because you're unwelcome here. And not because you're the low-libido spouse. Or because people don't sympathize with your medical challenges; we do.

If anything, you're not fitting in because you're not really here to seek answers. Despite not having a great grasp of your particular situation, many suggestions have been made that would lead to productive discussion if you were looking for it. Many of those suggestions weren't sexual, but rather to help your relationship survive this. But you ignored them.

Instead, it became evident that you were just looking for people to agree with your perspective, not challenge it or find a compromise. Our spouses' indifference to our misery is *precisely* the attitude that has most of us here in so much pain.

That you feel bad about your situation doesn't score any points. Communicating openly with your husband does. Jointly navigating a compromise does. But making life-changing decisions without his input, and keeping him in the dark about it... is truly one of the cruelest things you could do to someone you claim to love.

As a person who has a mind blowing sex life with someone who has very serious debilitating health problems, I'm always incredulous about medical excuses. Yeah I've read some stories where I get it. I remember one where she was being eaten alive by aggressive cancer and chemo even after having both breasts removed. That's a reason not to want sex.

That's different than feeling nothing. Maybe you can't help it if you feel nothing, but you can help how you respond to your spouse's needs. And yes sunnie if you're still reading, SEX MATTERS. Lack thereof is an eminently reasonable reason to end a marriage. Because your husband is not just suffering from blue ball. He does not feel loved. If he's like most refused spouses he'll never leave you. If he's like a minority of refused spouses he will. Is this worth losing your husband over? Because it's sure as hell worth leaving over.

I can give you a REALLY GOOD reason why you DO belong here.  Two, actually:

1) You are searching for answers to your marital sexlessness, including deeply taking a look at your own behaviors and struggling with what you really want out of marriage and how to accommodate what your spouse wants in hopes of being able to solve this... just like the rest of us.

2) You are disappointed upon first arrival to find "it doesn't look like there are any easy/foolproof answers"... just like the rest of us.

Please stay.

Hi all. I am a new member. Although I am not married, I am in a sexless relationship. My partner and I are engaged and the last two times we had or at least tried to have sex (3 months ago), we had to stop because she did not feel comfortable. She has told me that she has no interest in sex and does not like it. Ok, so why am I telling my story here and not in a new members' section? Like sunniedays, I am a cancer patient/survivor and I have felt exactly what she means by "no desire." According to what I am reading in this forum, I seem to be the high-libido partner due to my interest in intimacy, physical touch/caressing, sex, etc. However, I have also been the low-libido partner, most specifically during treatment for my second cancer.

About a year ago, midway through the 7-month chemotherapy regimen for my second cancer, I was masturbating and something "turned off" in my mind. I felt like the connection between my penis and my brain had been cut, and had no interest in what I was doing and immediately lost my erection. Although physically there, I didn't feel my penis, like it didn't exist. That is really difficult to fathom, but it happened.

It seems that no one understands what sunniedays means by " no desire." This is understandable because I assume that none of you have or had cancer. Let me provide you with an example of what she means: before any one of us hit puberty or found interest in the opposite/same sex and found masturbation, did you have any interest in sex? Was sex even on your mind?

I believe sunniedays is in a position where she was previously self-aware of her sexuality and her vagina. After her cancer treatment, she is no longer "connected" with her vagina. By that I mean whatever impulses or signals that her mind sent throughout her body to stimulate arousal is no longer occurring. So for all of us, imagine cutting off your right index finger, seeing it completely disconnected from your person and then trying to move it as if it were still attached to your body. Better yet, imagine seeing that amputated finger on a surface and trying to feel the texture of that surface with it. So the need to feel oneself or touch anyone else, in a sexual manner, is non-existence. It sucks.

I am writing this to try to create a bridge of understanding. I appreciate everyone's opinion on this forum and hope that you all better understand what she means. I also hope that I didn't confuse you all.

wewbwb I appreciate your comments. I probably should have been more clear about my present situation, as I am no longer suffering from the "disconnection" that I described in my post. So technically, I am not denying my partner anything. I do appreciate your advice though because it got me thinking about other ways to accommodate my fiance and make her feel more comfortable.