Nowhere To Go For Answers

Got it - you are right that I was referring inside our group/convo and I didn't get that your reference was to the rest of folks - I get what you mean.  It does get SO minimized elsewhere.  Like wanting & enjoying sex is some indicator I'm a bad person or something.  Well - if somebody didn't like sex, then I wouldn't even BE here.  I'm the youngest of 11 children (same parents) - thank god they had sex, even when they had 10 kids and the youngest was about to go to kindergarten.  I don't believe my mom was an unwilling participant at all.  (This wasn't evident when I was younger and learning of things, but now I understand a lot more than back then).
Yeah - I know what you mean now.

sunniedays : thanks for posting about your situation. Without a doubt, participation here by the "low libido" (LL) partner is rare.

A few thoughts of my own:
I'm not sure I agree with either of those.  Example: I cook for my family, and they are very appreciative.  Yes, I DO do it in part for the "joy I deliver" and the appreciation I receive.  But I DON'T do it because I'm expecting any of my kids to turn around and cook delicious meals for me, in particular.  They can show their gratitude in other ways that contributes to the well being of the family and smooth running of the household.

And your hypothetical male who couldn't receive sexual pleasure wouldn't be willing to give oral.  I can't imagine how I would ever get in to the situation of "not receiving sexual pleasure", but if I grant you that mysteriously happens to me, I honestly could see that being me: willing to give sexual pleasure, orally or otherwise. (Frankly, if you count the large number of times I enthusiastically gave oral during my marriage, and the small number of times I received severely lackluster oral... that kind of DOES apply to my actual situation!)

So if you give sexual pleasure to your husband who you love, why is it a bad thing if you prefer him not to reciprocate with sexual stimulation of you, but rather all those other wonderful husbandly things he does for you?

If I heard you correctly, you are at a point now where you get no pleasure from receiving sex -- or participating in sexual acts with/for your husband.  But then you go a step further: "and I feel guilty for performing them while I feel nothing".  THAT is the step that I think you need to consider deeply!  WHY the guilt?  Is that something you can discuss here, or perhaps in talk therapy?  It seems THAT is the thing that -- if you could fix/reduce/eliminate -- you might be able to find some "agreeable terms" in which you could still "be there for your husband", NOT feel guilty about it, and STILL maintain all the other benefits of the marriage.

To press the point: some women report "when I was younger, I liked sex so much I felt something was wrong with me... and that guilt hobbled my enjoyment of sex, and even lead me to stay in a sexless marriage too long".  To my ears, I hear you saying the opposite, but ending up in the same morass of guilt: "now that I'm older, I don't feel ANYTHING for sex and I feel guilty about that."  

What purpose is the guilt serving you?  I think it is OK for you to not enjoy/crave/desire sex!

Said one more way: if you told me "I don't like giving oral because of the smell and taste."  OK, well, at least that is a reason you realize you actively dislike it.  But if you have no objection, just no pleasure... I still don't see how that leads to "guilt".  I mean, I believe you -- you say you feel guilty and I believe you.  But I'm asking you to consider that one ("no pleasure") should not necessarily lead to the other ("guilt").

In my own marriage and discussions with my wife about this topic, I've tried very hard to not sound the victim, though at times I've felt that way.  I have gotten to the point where I can earnestly say neutrally "we just seem to have different expectations for sex and intimacy; and it isn't your fault or my fault".  But me "not feeling a victim" is NOT synonymous with me "willing to stay in a marriage that doesn't meet one of the (IMO) essential features of a marriage: a mutually fulfilling marital sex life."

I don't think anyone here is advising your (or your husband) "you should get a divorce", or even "sex is more important than your 'history' and all the common things you DO share."  What I feel we ARE saying is: "marital sex is pretty important to some, critically important for others; changing THAT aspect of the marriage may be a deal-breaker for some.. but only you and your husband can decide if it is a deal breaker for YOU TWO."

Yes, that is the term in this forum often used synonymously with "low libido spouse", and it carries a certain disparaging tone. But it is just a shorthand; every community has its jargon. Maybe I missed it, but I don't recall anyone disparaging you in this thread, nor attempting to shame you with the "refuser" label. FWIW, I think the participants here are being MASSIVELY supportive of you personally and trying VERY HARD to listen to the actual details of your specific case.

I know I had a lot to say.  I hope you don't feel like I was beating you up... or even just trying to exhaust you with my long-winded reply.  I'm really not!  I actually have a lot of respect for you that you are here, earnestly trying to find a solution.

You know, you are looking for the same solution that ALL of us here are looking for: "how to have a happy, healthy marital sex life in the face of mismatch libidos".  Some of the ideas may apply to the high libido spouse, some to the low... and your all those suggestions are as applicable to your marriage as ours!

I think "refuser" is nicer and more polite than the things that we often privately call our refusers. And in the old days, the commonly used term for a woman who never wanted to was "frigid." Isn't "refuser" an improvement on "frigid"?

"Guilt"? I realize that you had been speaking of your physical challenges, but you throw this in - "feeling nothing but guilt."

Something tells me that you haven't been entirely forthcoming in your narrative.

And, yes, sex IS a reason to leave. Funny thing is that in the Ketubah, the "Jewish Marriage Licence", connubial rights are guaranteed. Been that way for over two thousand years.

Here's an interesting item I found:

Sex after cancer

www.fredhutch.org/en/news/center-news/2016/07/the-sexual-aftermath-of-cancer.html

"A retired history teacher, Dibblee has been dealing with cancer since he was a young man. He’s lost both his testicles and had about 30 lymph nodes removed via a surgical procedure known as retroperitoneal lymph node dissection, or RPLND. Currently, he’s on his third chemo protocol for recurrence. But he and his wife of 34 years still have a meaningful sex life, he said, thanks to testosterone replacement therapy and their strong love for each other."

I believe it would depend on the individual. Some men would move mountains to make their spouse happy if they could. I realize my friend was a woman but she said she started becoming more sensitive in the areas that she could feel like her stomach and breasts. They became much more erogenous. I would hope a man would experience a similar feeling. A physical union encompasses mind, body and soul and isn't just about a physical sensation. I myself find an incredible amount of pleasure in pleasing my partner.  Again, I think it would just depend on the individual.