Nowhere To Go For Answers

I've read articles describing the antics some get into in nursing homes.

www.psychologytoday.com/blog/21st-century-aging/200912/the-secret-lives-sex-in-the-elderly

A really great article! Question assumptions. Glad to see the topic covered.

DryCreek - I even append this thought: why do people draw the line at applying the same effort to their marriage?
It seems sunniedays is willing to do a lot for the marriage, but not this. That is what I don't get.
In my old deal - my Ex wouldn't do any of the other stuff either (or too, also) - wasn't respectful, or kind, or generous in any financial OR emotional way. Wanted the dry peck when he wanted it and not when he didn't. Wouldn't hug, couldn't cuddle (complained of the hot flashes caused). He became a tyrant. So when my counter-refusal hit me - - there were no other levels to help save anything.
In her case - it almost actually does sound like everything is great bar the sex. But then - that still leaves the couple at the next spot - - the partners both get to choose whether or not "this much" of a relationship is enough to stay.

I know right? That makes old age sound fun.

The argument some make about doing something sexual to /with their partner to please them and out of love is difficult for me to buy into. Mountainrunner gives college bf oral sex even though it caused her pain because she knew he loved it. I'm sure the bigger truth is she does it for him because she knows it (sex) will be reciprocated at some point and then she will be pleasured. Obviously I know none of the members in this forum, but I would bet heavily that very few would enjoy pleasuring their partner in some way 1-3-5-7 times a week, all the while feeling nothing except guilt and -- well, nothing. I KNOW what it feels like. I did it for a year. That advice holds no water with me, especially coming from persons who have never felt it. Yes, I get it. So happy for you. Yes, I used to give my husband oral sex even though I didn't particularly care for it, but I'd do it, because I knew that it made him horny, and I knew that after 5 or so minutes I too would be feeling some pleasured. There is not one male in this forum who would agree to perform oral sex on their partner every morning for the rest of his life, feeling nothing, with the knowledge that they weren't going to have the same pleasure at some point. For women, sexual feelings start in the mind. Their has to be SOMETHING that instigates their bodies to be physically prepared for sex. Of course I could lay there and it would be possible for my husband to insert his penis, even without me being one bit willing, or open my mouth or cup my hand around him. Of course. I know I could. Because I did it for a year. And as horrible as I felt, how inadequate I felt then, I feel a thousand times worse now.

If my husband decides to divorce me, I'd be devastated. But from reading the posts from all the "victims" of the "refusers" it's probably likely. What makes me sad is the thought that someone would leave a 30-year relationship, a family, a history, after 30 years of sex (not even taking into account the 15 years of sex he had before he married me. I understand sex is important; is it that important that you'd be willing to give up EVERYTHING else in your life? I don't know.

And being assigned the identifier of "refuser" is super awesome, by the way.

sunniedays , there are points which aren't getting a response here, so let me be more direct...

* Is your husband fully informed on your position?  Does he know his true fate here, or is he being "allowed" to hope for a change you know he will never see?

* Is your husband part of the decision process?  You say you've decided to withhold all other forms of affection because in the past they all led to sex and you don't want to start something you won't finish.  It doesn't sound like he got a voice in that decision, or an opportunity to accept affection with limitations.

* Have you explored other ways you two can be emotionally close?  Such as shared interests, hobbies, activities, social causes that you can both be passionate about?  It's a weak substitute, but at least it's something.


I find myself in a situation very similar to your husband, but I've been kept in the dark from Day 1 and there was no obvious medical event preceding a change.  What I can tell you is that it's horribly unfair to be in perpetual limbo because she won't tell me the reality; to feel like - maybe, possibly - a fix is just around the corner if I just do X.  The horse that's forever one step away from the carrot on the stick.

Being cutoff from anything that might lead to sex leaves me with zero opportunity to be affectionate toward my wife.  It's pathetic when just a good hug from another woman would be a monumental event.  It's an affair waiting to happen.  (There was a whole thread here about how profound an event it was just to be touched on the knee by a woman.)  That's not something I got any voice in deciding; something is a whole lot better than nothing, even if I'd have to accept that it'd never end in sex.

As for being a "refuser", I'm sure some here would apply that label.  But not because of your medical condition - that's understandable.  Rather, because you claim to be unilaterally redefining your physical relationship, which is something most here are facing.  In contrast, you are acknowledging the issue and doing some proactive research, which is not typical refuser behavior.

I do get that having sex over and over again without feeling it is not an option for you. You will end up feeling awful and so will he.

I think you said a few days ago that you would find it very difficult if your husband was having sex with another woman. I guess my question to you is why? Not because I think you should do it, but because it is important to identify what that represents to you. If you strip away the layers of jealousy and guilt and whatever else is there, I imagine more than anything you would very much dislike the idea of him sharing a close, intimate connection with someone else. If you want to save your relationship, THAT connection is what you need to find a way to maintain. Sex is probably the easiest way we learn to do that, but I would think very hard about how much intimacy and closeness you feel with your husband on all levels, physically, emotionally and mentally. Given your situation, if you can find ways to prioritise that and put a LOT of energy into it, then you have a chance of stopping your relationship drifting apart. Without that I worry that you might find your connection hard to maintain. And going back to your very first question, I don't know if there is any way at all to encourage a spark of desire to come back, but pouring a lot of energy into a very close physical and emotional bond with your husband would be a place to start.