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Post by sunniedays on Sept 13, 2016 22:08:27 GMT -5
Intimacy is hugging and kissing and holding hands. I've personally never felt any form of "bonding" going on when my husband's penis was in my mouth. Nor did I experience intimacy when his tongue was between my legs. Come on. That's sex!! Call it what it is! Not that it's not enjoyable or wrong, but please don't call it bonding or intimate. Intimacy, bonding, is having your partner hold your hand while you lie in a recliner with a chemo IV in your arm. Or holding your partner throughout the night after the death of a parent. Or holding hands while your child walks across the stage to receive their college degree. How is dressing up in a nurses uniform and letting your partner tie you to the bed intimate? Come on, people. It's not. It's sex Yes, making love can be a bonding experience. But giving your partner a hand job or oral sex isn't intimate or bonding. It's raw, down and dirty sex. It's basically having an "urge" relieved. If it's so important in a marriage or relationship, then why are there so many situations where you hear, "well, the sex is amazing out of this world mind-blowing" but there was nothing else. It's the oldest story around: the girl goes for the bad boy, because, oh my god he's such a turn on. And guess who loses in the end? The girl whose partner will F her every day and twice on Sunday, but he's got nothing else to give. So pick what you want. I choose the partner who's kind, loving, smart, ambitious, generous, a great parent, a best friend, a partner in life.
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Post by GeekGoddess on Sept 13, 2016 22:11:40 GMT -5
I hope for both next time. I guess you can be grateful he is kind and loving (last time, I had both sides of a relationship but ended up with neither at the last).
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 13, 2016 22:19:00 GMT -5
Intimacy is hugging and kissing and holding hands. I've personally never felt any form of "bonding" going on when my husband's penis was in my mouth. Nor did I experience intimacy when his tongue was between my legs. Come on. That's sex!! Call it what it is! Not that it's not enjoyable or wrong, but please don't call it bonding or intimate. Intimacy, bonding, is having your partner hold your hand while you lie in a recliner with a chemo IV in your arm. Or holding your partner throughout the night after the death of a parent. Or holding hands while your child walks across the stage to receive their college degree. How is dressing up in a nurses uniform and letting your partner tie you to the bed intimate? Come on, people. It's not. It's sex Yes, making love can be a bonding experience. But giving your partner a hand job or oral sex isn't intimate or bonding. It's raw, down and dirty sex. It's basically having an "urge" relieved. If it's so important in a marriage or relationship, then why are there so many situations where you hear, "well, the sex is amazing out of this world mind-blowing" but there was nothing else. It's the oldest story around: the girl goes for the bad boy, because, oh my god he's such a turn on. And guess who loses in the end? The girl whose partner will F her every day and twice on Sunday, but he's got nothing else to give. So pick what you want. I choose the partner who's kind, loving, smart, ambitious, generous, a great parent, a best friend, a partner in life. Some people find it very emotionally intimate to have a penis in their mouth. Meh, different strokes. |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 13, 2016 22:28:53 GMT -5
Intimacy is hugging and kissing and holding hands. I've personally never felt any form of "bonding" going on when my husband's penis was in my mouth. Nor did I experience intimacy when his tongue was between my legs. Come on. That's sex!! Call it what it is! Not that it's not enjoyable or wrong, but please don't call it bonding or intimate. Intimacy, bonding, is having your partner hold your hand while you lie in a recliner with a chemo IV in your arm. Or holding your partner throughout the night after the death of a parent. Or holding hands while your child walks across the stage to receive their college degree. How is dressing up in a nurses uniform and letting your partner tie you to the bed intimate? Come on, people. It's not. It's sex Yes, making love can be a bonding experience. But giving your partner a hand job or oral sex isn't intimate or bonding. It's raw, down and dirty sex. It's basically having an "urge" relieved. If it's so important in a marriage or relationship, then why are there so many situations where you hear, "well, the sex is amazing out of this world mind-blowing" but there was nothing else. It's the oldest story around: the girl goes for the bad boy, because, oh my god he's such a turn on. And guess who loses in the end? The girl whose partner will F her every day and twice on Sunday, but he's got nothing else to give. So pick what you want. I choose the partner who's kind, loving, smart, ambitious, generous, a great parent, a best friend, a partner in life. If it's so unimportant in a relationship and is just relieving an urge, why not let him have his unimportant urges filled by someone who wants to do that and you can keep the important, good parts of your relationship? |
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Post by TMD on Sept 13, 2016 23:10:13 GMT -5
Intimacy is hugging and kissing and holding hands. I've personally never felt any form of "bonding" going on when my husband's penis was in my mouth. Nor did I experience intimacy when his tongue was between my legs. Come on. That's sex!! Call it what it is! Not that it's not enjoyable or wrong, but please don't call it bonding or intimate. Intimacy, bonding, is having your partner hold your hand while you lie in a recliner with a chemo IV in your arm. Or holding your partner throughout the night after the death of a parent. Or holding hands while your child walks across the stage to receive their college degree. How is dressing up in a nurses uniform and letting your partner tie you to the bed intimate? Come on, people. It's not. It's sex Yes, making love can be a bonding experience. But giving your partner a hand job or oral sex isn't intimate or bonding. It's raw, down and dirty sex. It's basically having an "urge" relieved. If it's so important in a marriage or relationship, then why are there so many situations where you hear, "well, the sex is amazing out of this world mind-blowing" but there was nothing else. It's the oldest story around: the girl goes for the bad boy, because, oh my god he's such a turn on. And guess who loses in the end? The girl whose partner will F her every day and twice on Sunday, but he's got nothing else to give. So pick what you want. I choose the partner who's kind, loving, smart, ambitious, generous, a great parent, a best friend, a partner in life. I didn't actually define intimacy on my terms. I agree intimacy IS hugging, kissing and holding hands. It's spooning at night. It's having a conversation with your partner that is tough and ugly, and yet when done, blows your mind because you both powered to the other side with respect and admiration. It is the way he looks at me. It's the way he kisses me. It's the way he comes up behind me and holds me when I'm doing the dishes. It's when he helps me make the bed, and then gently pushes me down on to it and kisses me deeply. It's both making love and fucking. It's having a shower together and going down on him while there. It's when he holds the door open for me. It's the 'good morning' greetings I get. The 'good night' loving messages. It's helping me walk to another unit after donating a kidney to my cousin, and then wheeling me back because I overdid it. It's trusting that person in intimacy that is more than just the missionary position. It's about being patient and loving as I helped a man who couldn't maintain an erection without a cialis prescription, and nor could he climax - and oh how we've celebrated since overcoming this! I happen to have a partner that IS loving, kind, intelligent, funny, motivated, respectful, sexy, etc. And you and I see intimacy in radically different ways. However, and I'm going out on a limb, but I feel you revealed your true colours with this latest response - my translation of it is that anything other than "normal," vanilla sex is dirty, sunniedays. And I don't actually think you're incapable of sex/intimacy. I think you *chose* not to have sex because you believe have a reasonable excuse not to 'do it.' If this is really a sticking point for you, your decision to not have "sex" anymore, then I hope you've clearly communicated this to your spouse and and he is aware that sex is dirty and you are unwilling to go there. |
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Post by baza on Sept 13, 2016 23:54:01 GMT -5
The penultimate line in your original post said - "I know my husband is unhappy. I know he will probably leave me eventually."
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Like any marriage, the choice about whether you stay together is not solely at the discretion of one spouse.
You - or he - may well 'prefer' that the relationship continues onward as the status quo.
However if he - or you - choose to end it, then what the other party might 'prefer' is conclusively trumped.
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You are clearly aware that your deal could end.
That would not be your preference obviously, and you would presumably be resistant to any move he made to end it.
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This looks more and more like a standard ILIASM story where the claim is that "everything is great bar the sex".
Oftentimes, when put to the test, the claim is exposed as false. Invariably, the situation unfolds as being quite dysfunctional in assorted ways, plus there is no sex.
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Your position here is clear. You'd like the status quo to go on, but are aware that it might not.
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The joker in the pack here, is what your spouse is thinking.
Maybe his attitude is also that "everything is great bar the sex"
And, maybe that ain't his attitude at all.
Maybe, he might be thinking that these attributes you have ascribed to him of being " kind, loving, smart, ambitious, generous, a great parent, a best friend, a partner in life" could also include "lover", in another dynamic.
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Personally, I think it would be wise to prepare for a hard landing here.
The usual preparations, like seeing a lawyer in your jurisdiction to establish how a divorce might shake out for you theoretically, putting together an exit strategy, shoring up your support network, researching fully how to help kids transition through such an event.
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Hopefully, you won't need to action these precautionary measures.
Hopefully, you are both in full agreement that "everything is great bar the sex"
Hopefully, the two of you can hammer out a mutually satisfactory redefinition of your deal.
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But "hope" that undesired events won't happen ain't such a great policy.
Being prepared for undesired events, is.
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nahmastay
Junior Member
Posts: 29 
Age Range: 46-50
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Post by nahmastay on Sept 14, 2016 1:25:59 GMT -5
Something tells me that if sunniedays had a real intimate truth talk with her H like so many of us have suggested instead of shooting down every single option proposed then that might also be intimacy. Intimacy is also excersizing some humility and giving the most vulnerable parts of yourself whether it be emotionally, spiritually or physically. Come on... if sex is not intimate and all sex acts are no big deal, just sex then you discount every single emotional and physical scar a person experiences from rape or rape culture. Really? If sexual acts are then also not deemed intimate enough then that should fall under the umbrella of things that you have no problem agreeing to should he want to outsource, that is when and if you want to include him in the conversation. I personally would welcome and appreciate my partners efforts if they actually accepted some responsibility, maybe even compromised or came up with and executed an action plan towards a mutually beneficial and agreed upon resolution for the betterment of the rest of our lives. That is intimacy. |
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Post by GeekGoddess on Sept 14, 2016 7:40:00 GMT -5
I couldn't get this off my mind.
I so totally experience having a dick in my mouth differently. If there was no bonding with it, I probably wouldn't do it again. Obvious, I think, that partners can have different love languages but no wonder you aren't missing it, @sunnniedays. If sex is not a spiritual experience for you -- I just hope your H also sees things that way.
I have to say that maybe you are not as free from hang ups about sex as you first reported. Or maybe this IS your regular, hang up free way to think of it (and mine is just different). But if it was only physical, why would we pledge monogamy? Why not just go to a salon for it, like getting a haircut? Why would the whole of society treat it so specially if it's just like seeing a dermatologist or ob/gyn? I agree that sex CAN be just physical - but that's not my preference and not my usual experience of it.
In any case, good luck with whatever happens. I'm still curious if your H knows as much of your true feelings as you have anonymously shared here. If not, I wonder about the couple's true intimacy no matter if you are holding hands or not.
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Post by greatcoastal on Sept 14, 2016 8:41:10 GMT -5
I couldn't get this off my mind. I so totally experience having a dick in my mouth differently. If there was no bonding with it, I probably wouldn't do it again. Obvious, I think, that partners can have different love languages but no wonder you aren't missing it, @sunnniedays. If sex is not a spiritual experience for you -- I just hope your H also sees things that way. I have to say that maybe you are not as free from hang ups about sex as you first reported. Or maybe this IS your regular, hang up free way to think of it (and mine is just different). But if it was only physical, why would we pledge monogamy? Why not just go to a salon for it, like getting a haircut? Why would the whole of society treat it so specially if it's just like seeing a dermatologist or ob/gyn? I agree that sex CAN be just physical - but that's not my preference and not my usual experience of it. In any case, good luck with whatever happens. I'm still curious if your H knows as much of your true feelings as you have anonymously shared here. If not, I wonder about the couple's true intimacy no matter if you are holding hands or not. Allow me to add on, that the number of STD's that can happen from having an unlimited supply of sexual partners. God's design to limit your numbers of sexual partners. To make it bonding, gratifying, an issue of trust, and a way of unifying a relationship. |
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Post by csl on Sept 14, 2016 11:13:08 GMT -5
Apparently every other aspect of my being is of no consequence for my husband. Almost all of the posts indicate that they can think of nothing else but the lack of sex in their relationships. The only time I think about it is when I'm thinking WHY am I NOT thinking about it? I do a blog for refused husbands, and last year I did a post with this report card. For some reason, many if not most women (who supposedly are like spaghetti with everything touching everything) are able to compartmentalize sex ("Its' just sex!") But for men, that is the one thing that we CAN'T compartmentalize. That's just biology. So, I hope this helps illustrate why it's important to the refused.  |
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Post by nyartgal on Sept 14, 2016 11:50:49 GMT -5
There is "nowhere to go for answers" when you are not looking for answers. Perhaps this post should be called "nowhere where everyone will agree with me on everything and just let me vent and feel sorry for myself."
For the rest of us, this thread is perfect proof that "why chasing" is pointless. The OP has her version of "why." But if you were married to her, would that be enough to make never having sex again okay? Or is the why not really about medical issues or weight gain or personality disorders or boredom. It's why won't my spouse at least try to find a workable compromise instead of telling me to take it or leave it in one form or another? Obviously most don't have the balls to say it out loud because that would ruin the status quo which is fine for them.
I don't see how this situation is any different than any other case. She doesn't want sex, she doesn't want to compromise, she doesn't want to feel bad about it, and she wants to continue the way things are hoping that the status quo will be maintained, even though she knows on some level that her spouse is probably not happy about it and that it may mean the end of her marriage. Yet that threat is not enough to get her to do anything other than complain. So either she doesn't love him as much as she professes, she never cared for sex in the first place, the marriage isn't as great as described, or she is willing to take the chance of losing him.
And the whole thing about sex just being a release that has nothing to do with intimacy which apparently consists of activities from a Sweet Valley High book, or maybe Sesame Street? Please. That's not even worth responding to. This is the kitchen sink school of excuse making. Throw whatever you have at it regardless of how it squares with reality.
Nothing new to see here we haven't all seen in one form or another before.
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pinkskies
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Age Range: 36-40
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Post by pinkskies on Sept 14, 2016 12:12:23 GMT -5
There is "nowhere to go for answers" when you are not looking for answers. Perhaps this post should be called "nowhere where everyone will agree with me on everything and just let me vent and feel sorry for myself." For the rest of us, this thread is perfect proof that "why chasing" is pointless. The OP has her version of "why." But if you were married to her, would that be enough to make never having sex again okay? Or is the why not really about medical issues or weight gain or personality disorders or boredom. It's why won't my spouse at least try to find a workable compromise instead of telling me to take it or leave it in one form or another? Obviously most don't have the balls to say it out loud because that would ruin the status quo which is fine for them. I don't see how this situation is any different than any other case. She doesn't want sex, she doesn't want to compromise, she doesn't want to feel bad about it, and she wants to continue the way things are hoping that the status quo will be maintained, even though she knows on some level that her spouse is probably not happy about it and that it may mean the end of her marriage. Yet that threat is not enough to get her to do anything other than complain. So either she doesn't love him as much as she professes, she never cared for sex in the first place, the marriage isn't as great as described, or she is willing to take the chance of losing him. And the whole thing about sex just being a release that has nothing to do with intimacy which apparently consists of activities from a Sweet Valley High book, or maybe Sesame Street? Please. That's not even worth responding to. This is the kitchen sink school of excuse making. Throw whatever you have at it regardless of how it squares with reality. Nothing new to see here we haven't all seen in one form or another before. Thank you for this. I was attempting to write a reply earlier and ended up scrapping it because I couldn't get my words to flow together right lol. I really appreciate the viewpoint of the poster because it helps me to realize that I am fighting a losing battle with my husband. He (like the poster) is perfectly ok with maintaining the status quo. He, no matter what he says, does not value or desire sex. He thinks its just a release. I have been trying to change his views for 16 years and have just recently learned that it is a pointless fight. |
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Post by GeekGoddess on Sept 14, 2016 12:14:47 GMT -5
There is "nowhere to go for answers" when you are not looking for answers. Perhaps this post should be called "nowhere where everyone will agree with me on everything and just let me vent and feel sorry for myself." For the rest of us, this thread is perfect proof that "why chasing" is pointless. The OP has her version of "why." But if you were married to her, would that be enough to make never having sex again okay? Or is the why not really about medical issues or weight gain or personality disorders or boredom. It's why won't my spouse at least try to find a workable compromise instead of telling me to take it or leave it in one form or another? Obviously most don't have the balls to say it out loud because that would ruin the status quo which is fine for them. I don't see how this situation is any different than any other case. She doesn't want sex, she doesn't want to compromise, she doesn't want to feel bad about it, and she wants to continue the way things are hoping that the status quo will be maintained, even though she knows on some level that her spouse is probably not happy about it and that it may mean the end of her marriage. Yet that threat is not enough to get her to do anything other than complain. So either she doesn't love him as much as she professes, she never cared for sex in the first place, the marriage isn't as great as described, or she is willing to take the chance of losing him. And the whole thing about sex just being a release that has nothing to do with intimacy which apparently consists of activities from a Sweet Valley High book, or maybe Sesame Street? Please. That's not even worth responding to. This is the kitchen sink school of excuse making. Throw whatever you have at it regardless of how it squares with reality. Nothing new to see here we haven't all seen in one form or another before. It is the perfect illustration of why our why-chasing is just a time waster. I think she does feel bad about it. But that's it. She wants credit for feeling bad and/but unwilling to change behavior. So- no it isn't new, I suppose. |
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Post by sunniedays on Sept 14, 2016 13:24:24 GMT -5
It's obvious I don't belong here. Good luck.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 14, 2016 14:59:38 GMT -5
sunniedays: "I've personally never felt any form of 'bonding' going on when my husband's penis was in my mouth. Nor did I experience intimacy when his tongue was between my legs." Never? Not one single time? Even when you were new to each other, just falling in love? That's so sad. To me, it would be like tasting nothing when you put chocolate in your mouth; or being completely colorblind and never seeing the full splendor of a rainbow.
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