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Post by greatcoastal on May 22, 2018 7:44:19 GMT -5
[....] Have the check ready before the 25th or I will deduct the amount from your June child support payment. [....] LOL, the judge is going to love that one! I'm so glad you're no longer alone in standing up to this crazy-ass narc. She still thinks she's in control, huh? Some people have to learn the hard way. Keep the posts coming; I'm gonna fetch some popcorn. This was one of my ex's responses to me pointing out that she is incorrect and that a "yearbook" is not an expense for an "extracurricular activity". T. is a member of the tennis team at school (an "agreed to activity" per the parenting plan) and requested a yearbook as a memento of that experience. As a result you are responsible for your designated percentage of his yearbook. Pass the popcorn! I posted on here over two years ago, my now ex's manipulative control maneuvers.. My son wanted to join the tennis team. I told him "it's okay with me, talk to your mom about it". He did. She gave him DARVO, all kinds of B.S. about costs, transportation etc... meanwhile approving of it at the same time. I paid his $85.00 fee to join the team. Later he needed a duffel bag. On his own he found a steal of a deal for a used one. He told me all about his mothers refusal to pay for it, including her lies of " your father said you could join the tennis team, I never SAID that." I let him know, " your mom did say it was okay right?" He said " yea, she did, she just doesn't want to pay for anything. I'm just going to pay for it myself. I'm done with her". My ex and I decided long ago (95% her decisions- I went along with it) If the teens wanted year books "we" would pay for their senior yearbook only. Any other time they can buy it themselves. At that time one of our kids was in middle school and wanted a middle school yearbook. (all of the other 5 where being home-schooled) Many of these decisions where written up almost two years ago when I laid out my parenting plan. My ex put forth such an outrageous, over controlling unbalanced plan that no judge or attorney would accept it. it was almost laughable. The bad part was all the delays instigated by her ,left the plan needing some updating. Mostly, that one of our sons is now 18 and graduated H.S. More popcorn please! The squabbles and the things my ex is willing to make life long scars over, against her and her relationships, are things that don't even show on my radar, things I would not hesitate to spend on for some memories and good times. Then comes the things she will spend on for herself (eating out constantly) More of the one way street paved with double standards. This also reminds me of the time I told her " I want you to go over our 2016 taxes with me. I want you to show me how to do it on the computer". That had to be one of the worst things I could have ever said to her. The angry look and tone that i received. A very staunch " NNOO. I will not do that ever". The divorce was already in play, I simply wanted to be shown a few things so i could do my own taxes after the divorce. Wow you would have thought I actually was asking for the right to be shown our expenses, our money, and our taxes! Pass the extra large Coke please. Now , here I come along asking her to abide by the parenting plan, to submit, to give me respect, and an equal voice, for me to have control too, for guidelines, laws, and boundaries to apply to her as well, for her to realize it's now a two way street, and their will be consequences for your lack of cooperation. She still thinks she can blow me over, have me cave to keep the peace, just hand her money like a well trained husband used to do. To just give in to her word salad. The winds are changing, the past is the past. ( I hope my son enjoys his yearbook gift from his mom. I wont be the least bit surprised if she tries to make him pay for it, blames me for it, or refuses to buy anything else for him because of it. All this to a boy who can't stand her anyways for these same past actions. A boy who was abandoned at age 8 on the streets of China and lived in a dumpster running bags for over a year. A boy who was forced to be a man ate age 8 and a mother who treats him like a child. A now 17 yr old man who want's nothing to do with her manipulative control. A man I believe deserves respect and maybe even to be spoiled a while during his youth to recover from a horrid past.) |
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Post by ted on May 22, 2018 9:00:26 GMT -5
It's all so sad, greatcoastal . So much hassle over such petty shit. You're divorced for a reason, and it'd be nice if there were as little ongoing interaction as possible. As you're finding, your attorney should be able to help you if the implementation of your decree is proving too burdensome. And for the kids to be exposed to it, and for it to raise doubts about how much they're loved, valued, etc. Ugh, what a shame. DryCreek 's idea is sounding better and better. Split the areas of responsibility and not the expenses themselves. Obviously your attorney would have to be involved since it sounds like that would require modification of your agreement. Again, I'm very thankful things with my STBX aren't like this, especially when it comes to the kids. Our setup would be crazy in your case! My STBX and I have a joint checking account we've designated for kids' stuff. At the end of the month, we split the cost of bringing it back up to an agreed-upon balance. She'll use it for small stuff like socks, whereas I generally don't use it unless it's for a doctor's visit or something. It's fine—we agreed to share clothing—I just have a different personal threshold. Buying things for my kids makes me happy, and I don't necessarily want to share the happiness or think of it as an expense. In any case, I'm certainly not going to obsess over nickels and dimes. God knows I've got bigger fish to fry. You may have to let some of this pass at some point, to preserve your sanity and your joy. I'm not saying hand money over to her. More like, if you're always the one getting the kids' haircuts, or buying thing X they ask for—well, write her off for the crazy she is and just enjoy taking care of your kids. Sounds like they really need the counterbalance you can provide of a safe, loving home, and an adult who genuinely values them. As much as possible, don't let money distract you or get in your way. Keep up the good work, dad. It's important stuff. |
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Post by bballgirl on May 22, 2018 9:02:55 GMT -5
Again there is a reason you are receiving child support, money doesn't flow backwards. As well DryCreek suggestion of dividing up financial responsibilities rather than a percentage of obligations creates better boundaries. With her next email that requests money from you, I would respond with, "you will never receive a dime from me, I get the money from you, if the kids need something I will pay for what I feel is appropriate to the establishment not you. In the future if you want money from a man then spread your legs and try to find one or ask your daddy". |
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Post by greatcoastal on May 22, 2018 9:47:36 GMT -5
Again there is a reason you are receiving child support, money doesn't flow backwards. As well DryCreek suggestion of dividing up financial responsibilities rather than a percentage of obligations creates better boundaries. With her next email that requests money from you, I would respond with, "you will never receive a dime from me, I get the money from you, if the kids need something I will pay for what I feel is appropriate to the establishment not you. In the future if you want money from a man then spread your legs and try to find one or ask your daddy". Yes, I think some more "conversations' with my attorney will be in order. (I seem to recall predicting that). Pass the popcorn and the Goobers! Remember the time I shared that I found her reading the book "Boundaries"? I asked her what's that about? She replied " It's teaching me to say no". My eyes rolled, and I was laughing inside thinking " You're a master at that already!". "I will pay the establishment not you". Right on the money! (pun intended) If, if I decide to pay for my adult sons last piano lessons, that check will be sent directly to his piano teacher. The same will go for things like braces, and a mandatory uniform (chorus, tennis team, band, etc...) not a dime sent to her. Zero trust! Eventually she is going to read those two words. I try to refrain myself, stick to only the matter at hand, use the parenting plan as my sword and shield. I'm going to have it memorized by next week (7.c.iv., 4. a.c.) Love the money part LOL!! The men she gets money from are under her manipulative control, her daddy, our older sons, and her fellow employees. The only time those legs will be spread is for her gynecologist! |
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Post by ted on May 22, 2018 10:04:21 GMT -5
[....] If, if I decide to pay for my adult sons last piano lessons, that check will be sent directly to his piano teacher. The same will go for things like braces, and a mandatory uniform (chorus, tennis team, band, etc...) not a dime sent to her. Zero trust! Eventually she is going to read those two words. [....] I understand the sentiment, but do be a little careful about involving other parties in the infighting. |
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Post by greatcoastal on May 22, 2018 10:20:02 GMT -5
[....] If, if I decide to pay for my adult sons last piano lessons, that check will be sent directly to his piano teacher. The same will go for things like braces, and a mandatory uniform (chorus, tennis team, band, etc...) not a dime sent to her. Zero trust! Eventually she is going to read those two words. [....] I understand the sentiment, but do be a little careful about involving other parties in the infighting. Very true. That's why I need receipts, not just general statements from my ex about a cost and an amount, because these expenses do involve other parties, and if it's not paid to them ,then the other party is really involved. When I pay the other party I then have receipts to also show my ex. that the money went where it was supposed to. This is also where the "communication" needs to come in BEFORE money is spent on things that where not agreed upon and the only communication is sending me a bill. Once again she expects 100% control. |
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Post by saarinista on May 25, 2018 22:37:37 GMT -5
Greatcoastal, it is wonderful that you are making the transition to your place easy for your kids. Now that you’ve prepared your house for them, what will their responsibilities be in terms of maintaining your home’s orderliness? that was my question 2. The kids should not be worked to death at Mom's house and left so exhausted or burned out that they have no energy for responsibilities at great coastal's. It would be just like her to do that kind of thing though. |
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Post by saarinista on May 25, 2018 23:13:11 GMT -5
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Post by greatcoastal on Jun 5, 2018 8:11:16 GMT -5
I need to know if I should do this or not?
It's been a month now since my ex and I live in separate homes and exchange the children. Both times during the exchange at her house,I wait at the street in my car. I have no need or desire to see or communicate off line (where it will not be recorded) with my ex. Each time she walks out to my car. Two weeks ago as my daughters are putting their clothes in my trunk my ex places some photo albums that where mine in there. That seemed fair enough. I found her wedding portrait in the middle of all my framed paintings. I return things differently. I simply ask one of my teens, " take this back with you and give it to your mother".
This week my ex approached the car and through the window handed me a bill from the tax collector, mailed to my old address, written with her name first then mine.
I'm not so sure I like her just "doing as she pleases". my thoughts are, emailing her on our "The family Wizard" sight and stating " Do not approach me, or put things in my car in front of the children with out my permission or consent. You need to ask my permission on line first." It's tempting to stand outside my car and if she comes near it tell her to back off ,don't come near the car, you are not needed out here, stay in the house, and record the whole thing on my phone.
When she comes to my house she pulls in the driveway and knocks on the door. I stay in the house and say goodbye to my teens. There is no handing off of things or me placing things in her car.
I'm giving this more thought. Am I making a mountain out of a mole hill? or setting boundaries and nipping a problem in the bud?
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Post by hopingforachange on Jun 5, 2018 8:18:00 GMT -5
Having the kids giveing things from you to thier mother is putting them into the middle of the situation. While I understand not wanting to have any interaction with her, the minor interactions might be good for the kids to see. They will see that you can see be too each other when needed.
I also understand the important of documenting what was exchanged, just to make sure it couldn't be used against you.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jun 5, 2018 8:33:26 GMT -5
Having the kids giveing things from you to thier mother is putting them into the middle of the situation. While I understand not wanting to have any interaction with her, the minor interactions might be good for the kids to see. They will see that you can see be too each other when needed. I also understand the important of documenting what was exchanged, just to make sure it couldn't be used against you. Putting the kids in the middle was a distant after thought it came days later. my first thoughts and intentions where to ask my son (who avoids his mom all the time) to "take this back and put it in the closest where i found it" no communication needed, she didn't even know it was gone, and who knows how long until she ever finds that It was returned. I later thought, If, if his mom had seen him and said "what is that?" he would then have to say " dad asked me to bring this back". Not the best situation to place him in. The same with her putting things in my car and handing me things in front of the children ,when I am forced to remain there until they are all in the car and ready to go. |
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Post by bballgirl on Jun 5, 2018 8:51:48 GMT -5
I think you are making a mountain out of a mole hill.
I understand that you are still upset to be around her she is not a nice person but she is the mother of your children and you have to be the better person and set the example for your kids by being civil.
I don't think she did anything wrong. However the anger and resentment are still there from the marriage and that takes awhile to heal from.
Honestly if my exH stood outside his car and told me to stay in my house on my property I would tell the kids to get back in the house and tell him to come back in an hour when he is civil. It's her house, her property, her kids too, you guys aren't married anymore and can not tell her what to do.
As well the tax bill, unless it's court ordered that you have to pay a portion of it, I would tell her you don't have the money and to figure it out on her own like she figured out all the finances on her own.
I guess my point is be civil for the sake of the kids. Also when she knocks at the door, if this bothers you then make her wait, don't let the kids go to the door so quick. Text her and say kids will be out in 5 minutes especially with Summer coming she will prefer to wait in her car then the hot sun. If she keeps knocking then go to the door, tell her kids will be out in 5 minutes and then close the door.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jun 5, 2018 9:29:15 GMT -5
I think you are making a mountain out of a mole hill. I understand that you are still upset to be around her she is not a nice person but she is the mother of your children and you have to be the better person and set the example for your kids by being civil. I don't think she did anything wrong. However the anger and resentment are still there from the marriage and that takes awhile to heal from. Honestly if my exH stood outside his car and told me to stay in my house on my property I would tell the kids to get back in the house and tell him to come back in an hour when he is civil. It's her house, her property, her kids too, you guys aren't married anymore and can not tell her what to do. As well the tax bill, unless it's court ordered that you have to pay a portion of it, I would tell her you don't have the money and to figure it out on her own like she figured out all the finances on her own. I guess my point is be civil for the sake of the kids. Also when she knocks at the door, if this bothers you then make her wait, don't let the kids go to the door so quick. Text her and say kids will be out in 5 minutes especially with Summer coming she will prefer to wait in her car then the hot sun. If she keeps knocking then go to the door, tell her kids will be out in 5 minutes and then close the door. All good advice, (and what better to share it with others who are there or will be there) it may not happen again , for a while it's probably a mole hill.. As far as being ready on time, ( i read a lot about that to prepare me, it can be a major issue and one parent can loose custody over it when they abuse it)) and setting foot on the property some parents have to meet at a neutral location with a sheriff present. I hope it doesn't ever get that out of hand. (my ex immediately bought security cameras and I intentionally park where the camera will record it) We have a set time schedule, that does not allow either of us to " tell the other to come back in an hour when they are civil" that's just the kind of behavior that violates court orders and won't make you look very good in front of a judge, I would not recommend that. Now ,if I can tell my ex on line ,"an emergency came up I need to be early, or late", (and it's documented) that's different. It turned out the tax bill is a letter for renewing the tag on the trailer. That brings back the memories of all her manipulation about who's name the cars where in. I'll gladly pay for that, since the trailer was part of the settlement. What I am realizing is that I now have every right to show my ex " you will constantly be put back in your place, and that I have a voice now, your tactics are no longer useful on me and the playing field is level". By the way my checks arrived on time ,and paid in full. All's quite on the eastern front! |
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Post by bballgirl on Jun 5, 2018 9:49:50 GMT -5
I think you are making a mountain out of a mole hill. I understand that you are still upset to be around her she is not a nice person but she is the mother of your children and you have to be the better person and set the example for your kids by being civil. I don't think she did anything wrong. However the anger and resentment are still there from the marriage and that takes awhile to heal from. Honestly if my exH stood outside his car and told me to stay in my house on my property I would tell the kids to get back in the house and tell him to come back in an hour when he is civil. It's her house, her property, her kids too, you guys aren't married anymore and can not tell her what to do. As well the tax bill, unless it's court ordered that you have to pay a portion of it, I would tell her you don't have the money and to figure it out on her own like she figured out all the finances on her own. I guess my point is be civil for the sake of the kids. Also when she knocks at the door, if this bothers you then make her wait, don't let the kids go to the door so quick. Text her and say kids will be out in 5 minutes especially with Summer coming she will prefer to wait in her car then the hot sun. If she keeps knocking then go to the door, tell her kids will be out in 5 minutes and then close the door. All good advice, (and what better to share it with others who are there or will be there) it may not happen again , for a while it's probably a mole hill.. As far as being ready on time, ( i read a lot about that to prepare me, it can be a major issue and one parent can loose custody over it when they abuse it)) and setting foot on the property some parents have to meet at a neutral location with a sheriff present. I hope it doesn't ever get that out of hand. (my ex immediately bought security cameras and I intentionally park where the camera will record it) We have a set time schedule, that does not allow either of us to " tell the other to come back in an hour when they are civil" that's just the kind of behavior that violates court orders and won't make you look very good in front of a judge, I would not recommend that. Now ,if I can tell my ex on line ,"an emergency came up I need to be early, or late", (and it's documented) that's different. It turned out the tax bill is a letter for renewing the tag on the trailer. That brings back the memories of all her manipulation about who's name the cars where in. I'll gladly pay for that, since the trailer was part of the settlement. What I am realizing is that I now have every right to show my ex " you will constantly be put back in your place, and that I have a voice now, your tactics are no longer useful on me and the playing field is level". By the way my checks arrived on time ,and paid in full. All's quite on the eastern front! I'm glad things are more peaceful for you. As time goes on you will have more peace. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Jun 23, 2018 8:25:48 GMT -5
It's all so sad, greatcoastal . So much hassle over such petty shit. You're divorced for a reason, and it'd be nice if there were as little ongoing interaction as possible. As you're finding, your attorney should be able to help you if the implementation of your decree is proving too burdensome. And for the kids to be exposed to it, and for it to raise doubts about how much they're loved, valued, etc. Ugh, what a shame. DryCreek 's idea is sounding better and better. Split the areas of responsibility and not the expenses themselves. Obviously your attorney would have to be involved since it sounds like that would require modification of your agreement. Again, I'm very thankful things with my STBX aren't like this, especially when it comes to the kids. Our setup would be crazy in your case! My STBX and I have a joint checking account we've designated for kids' stuff. At the end of the month, we split the cost of bringing it back up to an agreed-upon balance. She'll use it for small stuff like socks, whereas I generally don't use it unless it's for a doctor's visit or something. It's fine—we agreed to share clothing—I just have a different personal threshold. Buying things for my kids makes me happy, and I don't necessarily want to share the happiness or think of it as an expense. In any case, I'm certainly not going to obsess over nickels and dimes. God knows I've got bigger fish to fry. You may have to let some of this pass at some point, to preserve your sanity and your joy. I'm not saying hand money over to her. More like, if you're always the one getting the kids' haircuts, or buying thing X they ask for—well, write her off for the crazy she is and just enjoy taking care of your kids. Sounds like they really need the counterbalance you can provide of a safe, loving home, and an adult who genuinely values them. As much as possible, don't let money distract you or get in your way. Keep up the good work, dad. It's important stuff. I wanted to let you know that I was reading your post to me, again this morning. It means a lot, it keeps me grounded! I am at the end of a 9 day week with my 3 kids. Still getting used to things, and I am spending my money on clothes, food, trips, and giving them spending money. Why? Well the why? is the best part! They are now doing things, and going over their friends houses to have sleepovers, like never before, and their friends come over here, to spend the day! And I am not planning on sending any kind of "bill" to my ex. The less contact the better. It gives her no control, and I (and the teens) stay happy. |
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