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Post by DryCreek on May 6, 2018 18:57:41 GMT -5
greatcoastal, you're neck-deep in the details now, so this comes late, but... there are lots of family games you could build new traditions around. We had fun at a party recently playing a card game called Phase 10. For adults, there's a fun but potentially off-color one called Joking Hazard that's fun. Although popular, I don't recommend Cards Against Humanity, except *maybe* for an adult-only crowd; preview it first - it gets a lot of returns. There's also a board game I like called Break the Safe, where players collaborate against the clock instead of competing. Novel. northstarmom is perhaps going the same place my mind is... the kids *should* be sharing in the chores of the house, even to the exclusion of the parents. They need to learn to at least pull their own weight, and they need the life skills and good habits for their own place later. That doesn't mean looking out for themselves - it means building up to a full person's load of household duties as they approach adulthood. You may not appreciate how your wife tasks them (and I get the bit with her father), but in concept I agree with her being more of a household manager and the kids being responsible for execution. It's the only way to scale the household.
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Post by greatcoastal on May 6, 2018 20:17:47 GMT -5
Greatcoastal, it is wonderful that you are making the transition to your place easy for your kids. Now that you’ve prepared your house for them, what will their responsibilities be in terms of maintaining your home’s orderliness? Much of it will be cleaning up after themselves. (like having roommates) For too long the "excuse" that they got away with when asked "whose is this? who left this here? Was "I don't know". Now that it's 4 of us and not 9 it will be much easier to know who left it, and I will no longer be criticized for how I handle the clean up. The other chores will be yard work and house repairs, upgrades and maintenance. All things I do by myself and get help when needed. ( I also have to consider that I will be living here by myself every other week) Ironically things went very well when our kids where younger, they where cleaning their own plates, making their own meals, folding and hanging their own clothes, turning lights off,etc...Then the teen years hit!! Interesting enough it was mainly the one oldest child. Slowly the others began to ask "why do we have to do it when he doesn't?" then came "well mom tells us to to do it but she doesn't ever do it". The 3 that will be living with me are normally the more responsible and cleaner, so I am looking forward to offering them a tidy clean "ship" from the beginning. I offered a strong transition for my own benefit. A way of setting standards, my house, my rules. This is how it's going to stay. Already they talk about having their friends over without being embarrassed by the clutter. My oldest, who was and is the most responsible of them all moved out on his own. For too many years he was forced to pick up the slack of his brother. My ex would deny the problem with her lame "team effort" excuses. That always rubbed me the wrong way, when everyone knew who really made most of the mess, and who got away with it. I used to do 20 minute Saturday walk around and clean up your mess times, just to straighten things. Sadly the one or two that made so much of the mess would deny it and do little to pick it up. When cornered and confronted with their I don't know lies and wanting to set boundaries, Then came the "dad gets angry" or I don't handle it correctly, only to have it never get done. (those two are remaining with their mother, legally they are adults now. Just typing that makes me sad, knowing how much more responsible they where at ages 7 and 8 compared to now) There's going to be a new spirit when I can honestly openly say, "where do these belong? Um Hmm. Then put them away, then you can leave, then you can have your phone back. This will not happen again." without being targeted as this evil angry person. My kids walked in and said, "it smells and looks so clean". |
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Post by greatcoastal on May 6, 2018 20:55:59 GMT -5
northstarmom is perhaps going the same place my mind is... the kids *should* be sharing in the chores of the house, even to the exclusion of the parents. They need to learn to at least pull their own weight, and they need the life skills and good habits for their own place later. That doesn't mean looking out for themselves - it means building up to a full person's load of household duties as they approach adulthood. You may not appreciate how your wife tasks them (and I get the bit with her father), but in concept I agree with her being more of a household manager and the kids being responsible for execution. It's the only way to scale the household. We are in strong agreement! This in itself was another strong factor in the divorce. The way one or two of our children where allowed to totally trash our house and the others where then told "team effort" and forced to clean up the mess. The manipulation, lies, denial, etc... has gone on for years and can finally come to an end. Two different houses, two different standards, two different sets of rules. ( It reminds me of our first few weeks of marriage. I told my wife. "I hang my clothes up and put them away every night, that's how I was raised.". She said," I put mine away every weekend, It doesn't bother me". So I "compromised" or should I say " I literally caved, and gave in to keep the peace". Of course a week would go by and suddenly it's 3 weeks, then 4, of piles of clothes.) My two oldest biological sons are the worst at sharing chores of the house. They have chosen to stay with their mother. That leaves my youngest. She has 5 different learning disabilities. Some days she cleans up behind herself and then other days things are left spread out. At least now it will be a whole lot easier to know who left the mess, and I deal with her differently than her mom. I help her clean, more side by side, with more understanding and compassion. I prefer practice, practice, and setting a good example of, "that wasn't so hard, you can do that, that's something you are going to want to do when you have a place of your own". Compared to my ex's "you need to straighten it up, I don't care who made the mess that's not my problem ( when really it is her problem as the adult in the house and correcting those who deserve it), get it done, I don't want to hear about it until it's finished" and walk away and plop down on the couch. |
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Post by greatcoastal on May 6, 2018 21:44:51 GMT -5
This evening I was informed about "how things have been going at the house for the last two weeks". I've had to bite my tongue and say, "okay, yea".
Then came the story about "yard work, and "mom blames you for it". She says " you haven't been doing it for the last two years".
Then my daughter tells me, " I thought, you haven't done anything either mom, and you told dad two years ago at the beginning of the divorce that you would be keeping the house, so why should he have made any improvements to the house?
I'm glad some of them get it. Then there are those who will continue to give in to her. All part of the journey.
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Post by greatcoastal on May 7, 2018 5:26:22 GMT -5
The subject of replacing the kids furniture came up. I took 3 entire bedroom sets with me (one bed). That still managed to leave behind a lot, seeing their was 9 of us.
I asked my daughter "what about your dresser,chest of drawers, and night stand in your room that you share with your sister?
She told me " mom says, you have a closet you can hang up your things, you don't need it."
I then share with her," I had a closet growing up, I hung up my things, and I also had a dresser for my socks, t shirts, sweaters, pajamas, underwear,swimsuits, and shorts."
I'm just silent about most of it. I might as well be, I offered and supplied my kids with equipped bedrooms and baths. It all comes back to, we now have different homes, different rules.
My ex has spent nothing on furniture, but hundreds on needless security camera equipment, having family over,and constantly eating out. I look at thrift stores, and Sauder furniture at walmart. $150., $60., $30, for furniture. Knowing my ex had hidden hundreds of thousands of dollars, the same woman who went through 5 different attorneys, and will continue to blame " your father" for why she can't afford to replace things. On top of her twisted logic of "it's not needed".
More and more truths are exposed the further I pull away, and experience the new freedom.
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Post by greatcoastal on May 15, 2018 11:55:22 GMT -5
My ex is starting to send me expenses that are to be divided 66/34 (as stated in our divorce settlement) on line through our shared emails on "The Family Wizard". This is something I wanted us to communicate with.
I am already seeing problems. I need some advise before moving forward.
1) The cost of a year book.
2) A month of piano lessons.
1) We decided/communicated years ago that we would pay for our children's senior yearbook only. If they wanted a yearbook any other time they could pay for it. This was pretty easy with all the homeschooling going on and no yearbooks. Homeschooling is done, the last three are in public school. It's no ones senior year. I want to refuse to pay my %. I also had zero decision or communication in the matter.
I can only assume what conflict their will be about it.
The only teen close to being a Senior just finished his Junior year. If he wanted a yearbook, I was not told anything about it.
For me it's all about abiding by the divorce decree and setting boundaries. (not a squabble over $33.) It is not considered an educational expense.
2) The piano lessons. This one gets trickier. Our son turned 18 right after the divorce. He's an adult. Our son is considered a "graduate" from his homeschooling. (that may be debatable)
Piano is something he has been doing for the last 10 yrs. He's going to get a music scholarship.
Our judge awarded me two more months of child support for my now 18 yr. old son. My son has chosen to stay with his mom and completely detach himself and any communication with me. I recieve an additional $90.00 a month, a total of $180.00 then the amount goes down since he is an adult and done with H.S.-exactly where he is at now.
I could wright a check and send it to his piano teacher ($160.00 a month) that pretty much covers the money I am recieving for him. He hasn't cost me a dime. I gave him no birthday present since he refuses to communicate with me, and I had no income. my other children "get it".
What concerns me is setting a precedence and establishing boundaries. It's not my fault that this $180.00 is coming to me. I also have had zero say in his education and expenses. His mother and him whispered and plotted for months together about expenses. I was labeled as "not caring about his education" when in truth, it all came back to her control over the money.
It's very tempting to do one of two things:
One) I send a check to the piano teacher, for one full months piano lessons covering the amount of child support. (believe me, there are other things to spend that money on ,here at the new house)
Two) Our son is an adult and graduated H.S. Piano lessons are for him to pay for before he leaves for college.
I can only imagine the manipulation that will occur against me. I can't control that, life must go on.
One last thing. What can -and most likely will- occur in the future is any new or old extracurricular activities for our teens. I suspect that I will be given no say in the matter and sent a bill. When I take the appropriate respectful, fair route and communicate ahead of time with my ex , by asking her approval and splitting the cost, I expect it to be rejected. Leaving her the control of telling our teens " I'm not paying for it, get your father to do it, he has money".
If their weren't children involved their would be zero communication. A clean, cold break.
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Post by bballgirl on May 15, 2018 12:07:36 GMT -5
The 18 year old broke communication that's his choice, poor behavior in my opinion - he's on his own for a piano lesson. One lesson isn't going to make or break his knowledge/ ability to play the piano. Keep the $160 and buy yourself something nice or take the kids that live with you out for a nice dinner.
The yearbook- I agree - no yearbooks until Senior year. I feel the same way.
In my opinion yearbooks are a waste of money since kids have social media today.
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Post by greatcoastal on May 15, 2018 12:14:08 GMT -5
The 18 year old broke communication that's his choice, poor behavior in my opinion - he's on his own for a piano lesson. One lesson isn't going to make or break his knowledge/ ability to play the piano. Keep the $160 and buy yourself something nice or take the kids that live with you out for a nice dinner. The yearbook- I agree - no yearbooks until Senior year. I feel the same way. In my opinion yearbooks are a waste of money since kids have social media today. Thank you friend! it's how I word it when responding back. It's tempting to not respond at all, yet I am trying to stay ahead of her diabolical ploys of her trying to make it look like I won't pay expenses. |
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Post by bballgirl on May 15, 2018 12:35:10 GMT -5
The 18 year old broke communication that's his choice, poor behavior in my opinion - he's on his own for a piano lesson. One lesson isn't going to make or break his knowledge/ ability to play the piano. Keep the $160 and buy yourself something nice or take the kids that live with you out for a nice dinner. The yearbook- I agree - no yearbooks until Senior year. I feel the same way. In my opinion yearbooks are a waste of money since kids have social media today. Thank you friend! it's how I word it when responding back. It's tempting to not respond at all, yet I am trying to stay ahead of her diabolical ploys of her trying to make it look like I won't pay expenses. Well some expenses you pay some you don't. As parents we have the right to tell our kids "no you can't have that". That's what's wrong with kids that are spoiled brats - they never hear NO. My kids hear NO all the time but sometimes they don't. |
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Post by hopingforachange on May 15, 2018 12:43:42 GMT -5
He should have consulted with you prior to committing to the classes.
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Post by greatcoastal on May 15, 2018 13:04:33 GMT -5
He should have consulted with you prior to committing to the classes. That's true, but he was sold a bill of goods, lies by my ex, more manipulation. He's vulnerable and will follow the money for now. He also will have no clue about who has paid what for him. His piano teacher will tell him. He confines in her about his college education,and she communicates to me over the phone. Ten years of being in our home every week, she knows all about it. She went through a similar divorce and dislikes him and his mothers behavior. In two months it's done, until the next round of enemy fire comes my way. So I want to start with a sturdy set of boundaries. |
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Post by greatcoastal on May 19, 2018 16:02:29 GMT -5
I am receiving emails through "our Family Wizard"- which I agreed to- for more expenses.
Bras, haircuts, chorus dress.
I can tell I am going to be nickled and dimed for every little thing. Two can play at that game.
However I want to establish a clear understanding that I will no longer be manipulated, railroaded and tolerate her full control when it comes to money and decisions with a $$.
One thing I must consider is that I do receive child support. I would like to hear from others, men/woman on how that gets spent.
my thoughts or ideas where: When the kids are with me, and they say, " my shoes are wearing out". I will gladly take them shopping, especially since I receive child support and would not have considered sending my ex a bill for half the cost under the tittle "general" expenses.
What about those times when I want to take them shopping for new clothes, do I send my ex a bill for 50% titled "general" when in reality they are gifts from me and where not a necessary expense. (This would be the case with my daughters " chorus dress'.) My daughter wore it to her chorus awards banquet. Many of the other girls where in their every day school clothes, all the guys where wearing their every day clothes. It wasn't like a graduation cap and gown.
Part of me is thrilled to see this divorce forcing my ex to compete, and my daughters getting more than just years of hand me down clothes, with all the money that was in our family.
Haircuts: I want to see receipts and names. Who received this? My ex was horrible in her attitude towards our teenage boys during our divorce, refusing to pay for " general" expenses, like haircuts , food, and clothing.. My sons now know, mom won't pay for it we have to pay for it ourselves. ( I paid for many a haircut in the beginning of the divorce when I split our joint account. My attorney had to tell me, "stop doing that") My one son whom I receive child support for, his Asian hair grows so fast and is so full it's a two week event to keep it trim the way he really wants it. My daughters get their hair cut once a year.
I know this sounds very trivial -haircuts? bras?- however this goes much deeper. It's about taking a stand, setting boundaries ending a snow ball effect before it begins, standing my ground and taking ground.
I am living pay check to paycheck after this divorce for a while. The first month of moving and getting the house ready, drained my budgeti immensely. I already know her attitude-like so many other things- "that's not my problem".
How much my teens here about this and are watching , remains to be seen. I'm having to navigate into this new sight "Our Family Wizard" It has a place to list payment for these costs. Instead I'm going to figure out how to "deny paying these until I receive receipts and deny some of them because they do not fit the divorce decree".
Summer break is days away, I can already predict what is going to happen. One or two of my teens will want to go to a church youth summer retreat. They normally cost a couple hundred dollars. Just because they have gotten approval and gone in the past does not give my ex a free ticket to "decide to spend the money on it and hit me with half the cost.
I predict this will happen. I also predict that if the kids come to me first about it, I will tell them" Let me discuss it with your mom first. If she agrees to paying her part I will let you know. It's okay with me for you to go."
I'm expecting my ex to tell them" No, I'm not paying for it, if your father already said yes, than he can pay for all of it". Shifting the blame and trying to make it look like weather they go or not is all my fault.
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Post by bballgirl on May 19, 2018 16:35:26 GMT -5
Family Wizard sounds like a great tool for families that are together under one roof. You all are divorced - your family unit it broken up and there is a reason she pays YOU child support. Money doesn't and shouldn't funnel backwards. I would tell her that family wizard isn't working out for you and you will not be participating any longer. How she runs her household and her finances is her business.
I received child support and I still do. I never asked Mr Bballgirl for a dime. He never asked me either. We are divorced. When the kids need shoes, haircuts, etc. I buy it.
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Post by greatcoastal on May 19, 2018 16:56:36 GMT -5
Family Wizard sounds like a great tool for families that are together under one roof. You all are divorced - your family unit it broken up and there is a reason she pays YOU child support. Money doesn't and shouldn't funnel backwards. I would tell her that family wizard isn't working out for you and you will not be participating any longer. How she runs her household and her finances is her business. I received child support and I still do. I never asked Mr Bballgirl for a dime. He never asked me either. We are divorced. When the kids need shoes, haircuts, etc. I buy it. Family Wizard is supposed to be for divorced couples, I 'm still learning about it, and so many things. The best part about it is having our communication all officially documented. The other day she came directly to my front door to pick up the teens. I am very well prepared to confront any conversation with her, by not having one and tell her " I will not discuss anything with you undocumented I have zero trust in you. email it to me" and( get off my lawn!"--half joking! I haven't had to say that.....yet) That's you, fortunately not dealing with someone who is not very manipulative. I wish my case was the same, but I know her tactics. ( sadly I know them so well I can do them too, if I want to) "No, ask your mom to buy you shoes when you're with her. Don't do your laundry here when you're with me, you run up my electric and water bill, take it home with you and do it at your mom's house". Actually , my first week of having the kids I did have to tell them" I have not found a used stack-able washer and dryer yet. I don't have a dryer. next week I expect to have one. Take your laundry back home or you can leave it here". One took it home, the other two left it here. It's vicious to put them through that, and I won't stoop to her level, but I won't be railroaded either. A question for you? You still receive child support after moving back in. Could you eventually end up paying that back? Something to call your attorney about. |
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Post by bballgirl on May 19, 2018 17:39:49 GMT -5
No I don't have to pay it back and I have moved back in.
ExH has no problem with me getting the money because I buy the food for the family, the kids health insurance comes out of my paycheck, I still don't ask him to pay for anything for the kids. We still file our taxes like we are divorced each claiming one child, I got the younger child.
The Family Wizard thing could be a good thing to keep track of expenses for the kids but your exwife is very manipulative and controlling. I could see after a year she use it against you to get child support adjusted. I would not provide her with any info about YOUR household or expenses. I like the "get off my lawn".
Protect yourself and don't trust her.
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