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Post by twotimesone on Aug 1, 2017 4:05:49 GMT -5
It really depends if you can cover your lie enough. For me, spending 1 hour for the session is not enough. I have fantasies about spending a night with a woman sleeping cuddling the whole night, something that I haven't done with my W for maybe 10 years or more. Sounds stupid, right? Fortunately, in my line of job, sometimes I have work at nights so I can chalk up this as an excuse. Who knows, maybe if I do more of this I will get caught. No it is certainly does not sound stupid it sounds totally human. This should really be called "INTIMICY-LESS" Marriage - sex is a part of intimacy but there is so much more as you describe. Now back to your Mission. The best way to lie is to tell the truth . . . Mix in as much truth as you can. But wait a minute. Hang on. You cannot even cuddle with your wife for 10 years??? My friend, what the heck is going on? Given the little facts I know - I do not think you are really "cheating" she abandoned you first. Marriage is a contract to "love and honor" how the freaking heck is not allowing you even to cuddle not a total breach of that contract? In contract law once one party breaks their promises and fails to perform the other is normally off the hook. Society and the morality folks might be judging you harshly but not here. Can you really go on in this type of "marriage"? Courage and Blessings !!! Actually it was 8-9 years, I overexaggerated, since the birth of my son when my W decided to sleep with my son for the first couple of years and slept by herself later on. I told my wife not to do that but she didn't care. Afterwards, when my son got older and she slept by herself. I'm not saying that we didn't cuddled for the last 10 years, but she would cuddle with me for about 5 minutes before starfish/duty sex. The lack of intimacy is an issue. The thing that really pisses me off is the lack of alone time. I always wanted a few days or even a few hours to have someone babysit my kids so me and we can go out and have some fun time. You know, I gotten so sick and tired of begging and asking and I don't even do that anymore.
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Post by twotimesone on Jul 31, 2017 23:15:30 GMT -5
Affair, outsource, cheat, all terms for the same thing. I was mainly using that term since it is the term @elle used. And yes, you may not get caught. But it would be prudent to assume you will and plan for that eventuality as well. I didn't outsource during my marriage for that very reason. I'm a crappy liar and wouldn't have been able to cover my tracks well enough I think. So I lived 3 years as a celibate monk. If I would have made it to 5 years? All bets would have been off. That's a huge part of the reason I left when I did. I wanted to go out with my head held high and was seriously entertaining the idea of cheating. I've got a weird set of scruples (and somewhat am also somewhat hypocritical at times...I'm human). Well if EXPERIENCE is any teacher . . . I can tell you for a fact that Affairs are only controllable for so long The biggest risk is the LOVE part - what can start out as just "physical" can quickly spiral out of control. Cupid does not give a hoot if you are married or not - the arrows will pierce and then good luck !!! The other side is that you are just using each other for sex and it stays that way . . . I am not convinced it ever stays that way for long. The best "affairs" are ones that end with the H or W who is married realizing they made a mistake and moving forward - i.e., a learning experience. They learn they really love their H or W and fix their marriage or they learn the Marriage is not fixable - sometimes they get told that in a harsh brutal way (cheaters get caught etc.). Well she is being pragmatic as one can be. I think the focus of the article is the CHILDREN'S PERSPECTIVE - parents can be rotten spouses but if the two are good parents facing their children then that is the pragmatic point of the article. Is that possible? Well anything is possible I suppose. It really depends if you can cover your lie enough. For me, spending 1 hour for the session is not enough. I have fantasies about spending a night with a woman sleeping cuddling the whole night, something that I haven't done with my W for maybe 10 years or more. Sounds stupid, right? Fortunately, in my line of job, sometimes I have work at nights so I can chalk up this as an excuse. Who knows, maybe if I do more of this I will get caught.
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Post by twotimesone on Jul 31, 2017 15:57:17 GMT -5
Interesting article with some helpful guidelines for deciding when and whether to divorce. I notice she condones adultery though. I'm not sure if I agree that it's generally a better choice for kids if their parents stay in an unhappy marriage and seek sex through affairs. My takeaway from this article is that I've waited well beyond the requisite 5 year typical turn-around point (and seen no turnaround) and that my kids are just the right ages for divorce. So I enjoyed this article very much. Thanks @mcroommate! I read the affair portion to read closer to two people allowing each other to discretely outsource. But I do agree that the wording is ambiguous. In general, if you want to have a discreet affair, you should be prepared for it to suddenly become quite un-discreet with all of the collateral damage that follows. And there is zero upside for the kids in that situation. That's assuming that you get caught. The term affair is really an ambiguous word. For me, I think if you are married, the worst thing to do is to get involved with an unmarried man/woman because you are attached going after an unattached person will mean trouble down the line. Married person going after another married person might be a little safer as long as both people understand that they will not leave their marriages. For me, I am developing a relationship with an outsourcer. She doesn't want to know where I live and she doesn't have my primary cell phone #. I use a burner phone to do these other kind of "activities" and have a separate email address for it too.
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Post by twotimesone on Jul 31, 2017 11:27:41 GMT -5
I hate to say it, but I have to side with your H here in this case. Although your H has wronged you and not provided you sexually, the way you got angry with your H has made this situation worse because it has created a deep rift that is harder to recover. Besides the SM problem, it seems that you felt that you are bearing most of the weight of parenting (and rightly so) while you believe that your H did nothing. However, instead of talking to your H about this issue, you allow it to build up to a point where it explodes and has created a situation worse. I know because my wife did that to me several times. I tried to talk to my wife about going to counseling and she didn't think it is a problem. Oh yeah, in the first couple of years, my wife slept with my son and eventually she slept alone despite me asking me to sleep with her. Another reason why my I don't think my SM would last. Oh, no. See, since this started my fourth month of pregnancy, I have been bringing up the issue. First I just kinda inquired him curiously, and gently, after a few months of asking him to discuss it at least once a week, I began crying about it when I tried to discuss it, but still brought it up once every few weeks.... By the time the baby was born, I had attempted to engage him in conversation about the subject at least 20 times. I suggested maybe we go to counseling because his obsessive porn use and lack of sexual interest in me said something about our relationshio that was going to be an ever increasing issue of anxiety and stress. He refused to acknowledge therapy could be beneficial and insisted if I get "fixed" tgen be wouldn't worry about possibly getting me pregnant again, and our sex life would continue. So in August 2016, I got "fixed," now I can't have kids anymore. Still no sex, I asked and get turned down for reason after reason. From June 2016 to February 2017, I brought it up again, at least another ten times. In Februaury, I wrote a long heated letter I read to him where I screamed cried and cursed at him. The night before last.... I lost it. I acted a way I never had before and acted in a way I never thought I would. I was aggressive and screaming at the top of my lungs and crying and threatening to hit him - but you Know what? He FINALLY agreed to go to counseling. Sorry that I didn't get the whole story. Then it seems like that it is his fault then. You see, my wife don't even bother to talk to me to see what's wrong until she just exploded. But even then, she wouldn't tell me what's wrong and wants to make it looks like it is my fault.
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Post by twotimesone on Jul 31, 2017 9:52:47 GMT -5
I hate to say it, but I have to side with your H here in this case. Although your H has wronged you and not provided you sexually, the way you got angry with your H has made this situation worse because it has created a deep rift that is harder to recover.
Besides the SM problem, it seems that you felt that you are bearing most of the weight of parenting (and rightly so) while you believe that your H did nothing. However, instead of talking to your H about this issue, you allow it to build up to a point where it explodes and has created a situation worse. I know because my wife did that to me several times. I tried to talk to my wife about going to counseling and she didn't think it is a problem.
Oh yeah, in the first couple of years, my wife slept with my son and eventually she slept alone despite me asking me to sleep with her. Another reason why my I don't think my SM would last.
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Post by twotimesone on Jul 31, 2017 9:21:59 GMT -5
STAYING TOGETHER FOR THE KIDS / BEST TIME TO DIVORCE? www.divorcemag.com/articles/what-is-the-best-time-to-divorceExcerpt below. Note bold highlights are my own. Staying Together for the Kids People also ask me, "Is it bad for my children if I stay in an unhappy marriage? Or would they be better off if we divorce?" I'm afraid the answer to this is yes and no. The notion that your child is unhappy because you're unhappy is simply not true. If your external behavior looks normal and you really enjoy being a parent – while your internal state is lonely or dying from boredom – your child may not notice your unhappiness. Children can't read your internal state unless it shows up directly in your relationship with them. They have no key to your sex life. They're not mind readers. Moreover, they have no way to understand the complexity of your marital relationship. I'm afraid that children who have not yet reached adolescence cannot comprehend why a violent person just doesn't stop if they are asked to show some restraint. They have no clue as to why a person behaves badly when drunk. The choice to divorce is always a subjective, personal decision. No one can tell you exactly what the future holds. It may bring the man or woman of your dreams. I've seen that happen to young and old adults alike, although your chances diminish with age because the market is smaller. I'm reminded of one woman in her 50s who divorced her husband because she had grown to hate him. Within six months, she met a kind, loving man at her church who was exactly what she wanted in a partner. My point is that no one can measure how unhappy you are or predict what new opportunities divorce will bring. Only you can weigh the balance of inner misery and satisfaction in your life. In fact, all of us probably know couples who don't love each other but find contentment in work, friends, and parenthood. Some may have given up the dream of romantic love or perhaps they never wanted a passionate relationship from the start. Clearly, disappointment in a marriage depends almost entirely on where you set your sights to begin with, and these are subject to change. One recent study of unhappy marriages found that many embattled but intact couples, five years later, were much happier and reported that their marriages were good. So it is important not to make critical decisions in the heat of your latest disappointments. Things may look very different if you wait a few months. You may change your mind altogether. From your children's perspective, the decision to divorce relates to how your unhappiness is affecting your ability to be a good parent. If you and your spouse enjoy being parents and together maintain a moral and protected life for your children, then I think you should consider staying together. I know many couples who have taken this path. They take great pride in their children and have decided, on balance, that it was a good way for them to go. Some have discreet extramarital affairs when they are away from home. Others settle for the limited love and sexuality in the marriage that they have. But if your unhappiness dominates your life, then you have to ask yourself probingly if one or both of you will be better parents after divorcing. Will your children be better off? These are hard questions, but again, only you can know your pain and satisfaction, how these play out now in the lives of your children, and how they are likely to play out in the future. The familiar question – "Is it better to stay married or not?" – doesn't capture the many gradations or nuances of marriage. Nor does it touch on the source of marital problems and the extent to which they can be tolerated within an intact marriage. On the other hand, if you feel humiliated, emotionally abused, mocked, and derided in your marriage, or just wake up miserable each day, you can use the divorce to take new pride in yourself. As an emancipated parent, you can become a far better role model and share with your children your new sense of freedom. You can take the opportunity to improve your life with knowledge that you didn't have when you were younger. You can become a new kind of adult who has had the courage to bring about change in your life and the lives of your children. A new world is ahead of you, and it's yours to define. Great article. It kind of give me an insight why I don't want to get out from my W. My older daughter is doing okay emotionally but my son is not adjusting himself. If I were to go now, my Son would probably be devastated and I don't think it is a good idea.
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Post by twotimesone on Jul 28, 2017 11:31:45 GMT -5
Of course florists are upset, along with caterers, etc... businesses that rely on weddings, but yeah - I don't care either. I can see why people don't get married and I am happy for everyone as long as they are happy. Times are always changing. "The Media" is trying to say that marrying yourself is a trend now among millennials, but not sure it's quite to that level. There is a kit you can buy to tie the nuptials with yourself for $230, though. imarriedme.com/THere is always something new to capitalize on... I guess solemn vows about caring for each other is thrown out the window. Men and women only cares about "what's in it for me" is the new attitude.
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Post by twotimesone on Jul 27, 2017 13:27:35 GMT -5
Well, meet with her for lunch today. Somehow I got the vibe that she's not interested. No I didn't ask the question. At least I tried and I got my backup plans.
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Post by twotimesone on Jul 24, 2017 15:20:55 GMT -5
I can imagine that this could probably happen. My parents stay in the marriage and got divorced until I was in my 20's. And I am intending to get away from my wife because my wife is at the point where she doesn't care about our marriage and cares more about the kids.
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Post by twotimesone on Jul 21, 2017 9:26:26 GMT -5
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Post by twotimesone on Jul 20, 2017 20:58:57 GMT -5
How protected are you if you use a VPN? I always have the VPN turned on, but I have to admit I didn't think about the possible risks of using my own wifi at home. google tends to know what ip address that you are logging in from. So that's why I use it. Like I said, keeping the wall between your alter egos. I don't think it is necessary but it helps.
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Post by twotimesone on Jul 20, 2017 11:11:16 GMT -5
For me, I got a cheap burner phone using a Freedompop sim card. You can get up to 700mb of data per month, but I recommend using 400mb per month. I never connect wifi at home, but use free wifi from Mcdonalds and Starbucks. I use an vpn connected somewhere else and created an gmail account and yahoo email account and cross authenicate each other. I get a free phone number from google voice and that's use that to make and receive calls. Not great, but at least it is pretty inexpensive and it keeps yourself walled off from your alter-ego.
FYI, on the providers that I use, I simply told them that I am married. They won't care or be shocked, so don't worry. I also tell them that I use a burner phone but surprising that they don't initiate contact with me, and I have to contact them all the time.
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Post by twotimesone on Jul 20, 2017 10:16:46 GMT -5
I surf this website, as well as other websites that I want "walled off" using incognito mode using a different username. Maybe my wife found out when I forgot to close this browser window or something, but I don't care. I tried to confront her about different things that make me unhappy and she simply deflects it or blames me for something.
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Post by twotimesone on Jul 20, 2017 9:48:23 GMT -5
I think it really depends on the person. I don't make a big deal out of my birthday and in my wife's birthday, I brought a single white rose. I think in this day and age, depending on another person to make you happy is a big fail.
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Post by twotimesone on Jul 18, 2017 20:35:55 GMT -5
Have you spoken to an attorney to see how things will shake out? Yep. I saw an attorney and have analyzed the crap out of this whole situation inside and out. It doesn't seem terrible from a financial situation. We are doing ok in those regards. We aren't killing it, but we aren't quite struggling either. I think I would be ok in a small apartment by myself nearby and make some personal sacrifices in the short term to ensure that the kids don't have to experience a major shake up (ie, they don't have to move out of the house with their mother). I am willing to do what needs to be done to keep their world from being too terribly shaken. ... I just don't care about my own personal financial situation in the short term, really. I think I'd be happy living on a tight budget by myself. I'd like to set it up so that the major sacrifice is temporary though. I'm thinking I'd like to push for a generous alimony situation that has a cut off date. Thinking 3 to 5 years of major sacrifice from me followed by a long time commitment to support the kids. That'll give her time to get her ass in gear to do something about her own income or find someone else to help support her financially. She makes an ok income on her own and could make a lot more if she finished up her schooling like she's been thinking of doing. Chance are, the things I'm willing to do are above and beyond what a judge would rule for us if it went to court. I just want to make sure it's fair for them without causing me to be totally screwed in the long term. With custody, I just don't know what to do about that. I need to do some major soul searching to decide what's best for the kids. I'm an involved father, so I think 50/50 custody would certainly be something I could pursue without much issue. I'm just not sure if 50/50 is what is best for them. I've read about it a lot. I just want them to be ok. I'm just not sure that staying is doing them many favors. It may be a '6 of one, half dozen of the other' situation right now, unfortunately. You are more brave than you think. For me, I am not willing to get out yet until my kids are off to college, which is probably at least 9 years from now. For me, I am trying to make it so that I can make it until tomorrow and outsource while this happens.
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