|
Post by doneanddone on Jan 31, 2018 14:02:15 GMT -5
One cannot "force" a depressed person to seek help. I know this firsthand. "A person who doesn't want to isn't going to." - WEWBWB. (your zen of the day - you're welcome.) True, you can't force anyone to get psychiatric help (except for three days if they're a threat to their own or someone else's safety, I think you can have them committed but and that's different) but you can call their attention to a situation in a caring way and suggest that they may be depressed, which they themselves may not have considered. You can look up potential resources for counseling and psychiatric consults for them or call yourself. If that doesn't work, one might also seek out a counselor themself to brainstorm ideas about how to deal with this extreme sounding situation. FYI, I've been clinically depressed for years, but keep it at bay with an antidepressant. I'm still not exactly happy, but I think my husband is depressed too (as you said, you can't force someone to seek help) and not having had sex in 8.5 years isn't making me any cheerier for sure. Anyway, I have a lot of inertia from the remnants of my depression, but I can generally shame myself into keeping the house livable, if not exactly tidy. Once I get going on vacuuming, watch out! I also have ADHD so organizing and prioritizing is difficult for me, but I try. And sometimes, i even succeed! Main point is doneanddone your wife's behavior sounds intolerable and I can see why you're frustrated. Definitely, encourage her in every way possible to get a psych consult. If that doesn't happen soon, you might end up on one of those hoarding shows! Just kidding, but you know. and as northstarmom said...well, just take her advice. And I would do it soon, because you sound very frustrated and resentful. No judgement about that, I can totally understand, but I would not let this situation fester for too long. The furballs and hairballs are already festering, growing new bacterial cultures, etc. for you! I say this in all love, truly Love you 2!!!
|
|
|
Post by doneanddone on Jan 31, 2018 13:57:35 GMT -5
So what would be a good way to start that conversation to where I can get her to understand that about herself. She hates going to doctors. I would just be real with her. Tell her she needs to go to a therapist. Perhaps hire a cleaning service to reset the house and once clean maybe that will help everyone to restart mentally in addition to therapy. I have been depressed myself where I can't get motivated to get out of bed. I doubt simply cleaning the house is going to fix this.
|
|
|
Post by doneanddone on Jan 31, 2018 13:46:56 GMT -5
Just to throw a twist in this, with divorce happening that gave me every right to stop maintaining and cleaning a house that was no longer going to be mine. Even if I was living there. Then there's been all the delays, about 7 of them. Times when I said" why should I get out there and climb and trim trees with chain saws, pressure wash fences, driveways, buildings, clean pools, fix sagging gutters, change vents, repair sinks, washing machines, toilets, trim bushes, spray insecticides, dust and do windows, etc... when in a month and a half it won't be mine? AND she needs to put on her big girl britches and start doing these things FOR HER SELF or pay someone, because I am not going to be here. Something our spouses need to start considering as they continue to reject us with the SM. (What's crazy is how much I want to do this stuff, butt have to hold myself back) I've already been told that my attorney is going to use it for my advantage. And that my W is going to try to paint me as lazy. All I have to do is explain how much I've been responsible for ( it's quite a list) ,for decades and it wasn't going to be mine any longer, then how she decided to not step up. That just doesn't seem morally right to me. If I see shit on the floor, I'm gonna clean it up. The one thing I did do was intentionally not sweep the stairs just to see if she would and she hasn't one even given it a thought even though she walks up and down them every single day at least 5 times. She's even said out loud vocally from her mouth to my ears......"I can't believe the amount of dust that collects in our house...." HELLO....MCFLY......ANYBODY HOME.......if that's not lazy I don't know what is.....
|
|
|
Post by doneanddone on Jan 31, 2018 13:31:03 GMT -5
I did. - and I still can't get the keyboard clean. Oh. Sorry. I thought that you meant- oh never mind.
|
|
|
Post by doneanddone on Jan 31, 2018 13:25:34 GMT -5
One cannot "force" a depressed person to seek help. I know this firsthand. "A person who doesn't want to isn't going to." - WEWBWB. (your zen of the day - you're welcome.) Pound it...!
|
|
|
Post by doneanddone on Jan 31, 2018 13:23:04 GMT -5
Lazy? Maybe not. Manipulative and controlling? Quite possibly. Living on a one way street paved with double standards? Sure sounds like it. That is an angle I had not thought about.....interesting....
|
|
|
Post by doneanddone on Jan 31, 2018 13:21:38 GMT -5
“Yes, she is lazy but I do agree that she IS DEPRESSED. And you cannot help her because when no sex, we are jaded and not the best support” Being sexless doesn’t mean one has an excuse to not help a spouse with a serious medical condition. Would bring the refused be an excuse for you to not assist a spouse with breast cancer, a heart attack or a stroke?’ I’d been years without sex yet still got my husband to the hospital and assisted when he had s life threatening blood clot. If you really view being in a sexless marriage as a reason to not help an ill spouse, divorce her. You don’t have love nor basic compassion for her as a person. Your marriage is over. I do not know if his wife is depressed but it is something for him to do whatever is necessary to get her assessed. Regardless of whether she’s lazy or depressed, her behavior also affects their kids. He has to step it up and do more than his share in order to assure their welfare including if they divorce. I'm gonna step back for a moment and ask for some clarification..... "He has to step it up and do more than his share in order to assure their welfare including if they divorce." Please expound on this one....cause I can go years without sex....hell I've already gone 7, what's another 7.....?! I'd like to think that my nature of being the father of a child that my natural instincts of being a protector would kick into gear and a flag would be raised the moment I felt my daughters life was in danger....or the potential for my daughters future to be in jeopardy. Being supportive for someone who is clinically depressed is something I am completely capable and willing to do if and when that happens.......
|
|
|
Post by doneanddone on Jan 31, 2018 13:10:58 GMT -5
I think most girls from the young age have one very important goal in life. To get married and have kids, once the goal is achieved they become lazy. I am not saying it applies to all women but a lot of them are like that. My wife is lazy started working part time recently and have not worked for approximately 10 years. She cleans the house sometimes and cooks sometimes. She does look after the two kids and that is about it. She sleeps as much as a 10 year old, approximately 8-9 hours a day. She gets very excited when she goes out with the girls 1-2 times a month or when she goes for coffee with girls during the day 2-3 times a week. The house is borderline clean because when its dusty I get very upset and bring it up to her attention. I sleep 5-6 hours a day and work long hours, sometimes on the weekends. I started cutting my hours from 75 hours to 70 and plan to work 60 hours or less with in a year. I think depression is used as an excuse in most circumstances. I think I am depressed but still work long hours, sleep very little and never lazy to have sex. Also do not watch TV or use Facebook. I think Netflix and Facebook is what takes most of my wife's time. Sounds all to familiar lostintimeWe have a daughter and the W only works Mon, Tues, and Wed. That's a 4 day weekend every week. Dusty floors, laundry piled high or falling out of the basket, dirty AND clean dishes in the sink and dishwasher, watches Bravo and Lifetime, shops online, hates her girlfriends and thinks they are all caddie bitches.....
|
|
|
Post by doneanddone on Jan 31, 2018 13:04:38 GMT -5
7 YEARS!!!!! whether she is lazy or not, Every infraction is amplified 10,000 times when there is no sex. Cat litter is my bane also! Cat died last Christmas - very sad BUT I told her if another it is outside cat or nothing. That litter box and cat got more attention than I ever did - I think I was jealous of the affection the cat received. LOL Yes, she is lazy but I do agree that she IS DEPRESSED. And you cannot help her because when no sex, we are jaded and not the best support. The more she feels the resentment, the worse she gets. Take pictures, develop them and lay them out on the table. Then just say "you need help" and I do no deserve to live like this. Wow....now that's gangster. Take pictures, drop a line or two and bounce. That would get a response and probably not in the good way....lol You nailed it. Without sex or intimacy my support no matter to what extent I went to lend it would go unappreciated. She is the refuser in our SM and this is how she is. It is extremely difficult for me to support her when she gets in her "moods". Maybe it the big Pause she's getting into....at this point I truly don't give a fuck what it is......but she needs to recognize the surroundings she assisted in creating. I hold myself accountable for part of the SM because I am the part she has refused for so long. This just happens to be a byproduct of it.....
|
|
|
Post by doneanddone on Jan 31, 2018 12:53:36 GMT -5
Having had depression, I know very well how difficult it is to not only recognize it in oneself but also to get the energy to find help. Expecting a seriously depressed person just help themselves and handle well their home responsibilities is like expecting a person who can barely function due to the flu or cancer to clean the house and get themselves to medical care. If she is so depressed she’s not functioning, she’d need his help getting medical care. After I lost a job and then my mother suddenly died, I could barely get out of bed to get my kids to school, I then went back to bed and slept all day. It even was hard for me to select clothes to wear or even to brush my teeth. My husband either never noticed or didn’t give s damn. In fact, he said I was doing great and should go with him to office parties st the place where he worked which was the place that let me go! I finally got myself into therapy. Looking back, I wish I had recognized that my husband’s lack of empathy was a reason to divorce. Depression is a real illness. It’s not s lack of willpower. I don’t know if the op’s wife is depressed but it sounds like an avenue to explore. If it ends up that she’d just lazy, that’s something to take into consideration if he divorced. A good father would attempt to gain custody if his kids’ mom isn’t responsible. I've never dis-created anyone who was every diagnosed with clinical depression. There is a difference in clinical depression and what someone thinks is depression. There are key indicators, chemical indicators, hormonal S&S and it is different for everyone. No one two individuals are the same clinically depressed. That is the one thing about medicine that will never fail. There will always be specific set of criteria to go by when diagnosing and it's up to the provider to interpret the results the same to diagnose properly. I'm not trying to put you off or offend you for your depression by any means. If I have then please accept my apology. I do know and understand what you mean by "a seriously depressed person to just help themselves and handle...." But....there is a caveat to this....at some point even if you were alone and from what you described sounded like you were alone, you made the decision to get help. You made the decision to get help. You made the decision to get help. Yes, in the perfect world in a perfect marriage, the H or W would be right there next to their spouse being encouraging, supportive, understanding, empathetic, loving, caring,......all those things a perfect married couple would do for each other when the other suffers a loss or is depressed.... I have a difficult time believing someone who lives on their phone through social media, gossips with friends and about friends, watches reality TV on Bravo and Lifetime (I call that how to be a ho TV), drinks socially but more frequent, smokes cigs at a rate of almost a pack and half a day......I have a hard time thinking this person has clinical depression or is even depressed with their life vs. just being straight up lazy.... I could see how she could be upset with her life choices and how she is living her life today....that could be a contributing factor to her what I perceive as laziness but depression.....nope not buying it.
|
|
|
Post by doneanddone on Jan 31, 2018 11:23:40 GMT -5
She is lazy for sure. She might be depressed but only she can help herself. So what would be a good way to start that conversation to where I can get her to understand that about herself. She hates going to doctors.
|
|
|
Post by doneanddone on Jan 31, 2018 11:22:34 GMT -5
Has she always not done housework even before you lived together? If she has always been this way, that’s how she is. If she has changed over the years, she could be depressed, something that can be easy for the depressed person not to know. I suffered with it for years. It was even a struggle to pick up a dead bug off the floor. Doing virtually anything exhausted me. If it’s possible she is depressed, insist she get a full medical workout. If depression is diagnosed, have her consult with s psychiatrist about meds. Psychiatrists are the only medical practitioners with the training and knowledge to know what they are doing in prescribing meds for mental health problems. FYI, sntideoresssants’ effect on libido varies. I was on cymbalta for years and continued having a high libido and ability to orgasm. Even if she’s just lazy, calling her a pos is harsh and that attitude could make it hard for her to be amenable to doing more. I appreciate the feedback. I have never called her a POS to her face and this is place is my go to for venting and stress release. She has changed over the years. Before we married she did have a sense of cleanliness with her apartment and her stuff. I think she is just of the frame of mind that none of it is hers so why should she give a fuck. She doesn't own anything. She has no financial responsibilities other than the 1 credit card and 3 department store cards she has in her name. Everything else is in my name.....house, cars, insurance, utilities.....everything. She like to throw that in my face every now and then when we fight or when she starts to feel like I am not "being part of our marriage" that she doens't have anything and everything she did have she had to give up when we got married. She had a car but it was a two door little coupe thing....not practical for a newborn so we sold it and got a crossover for her....in my name since she had no credit. I've often wondered if she was depressed.....clinically depressed not self diagnosed which she seems tends to do sometimes. I'll be a little open about my life here with everyone. For the better half of 20+ years I served my country proudly in the military. My career in the military was on the health care side so knowing the ins and out of emergency medicine, clinical conditions, illnesses, mental health/well being... are things I would consider myself to be very knowledgeable and highly experienced in. Like I said, I lived it and did it for over 20 years. The W is a ghost when it comes to doctors across the board. She is from the belief that only bad news comes from going to the doctor. But she only believes that about herself. She'll be the first one to tell me when I need to go see one or she'll be all about making sure our daughter goes to she the pediatrician. I really don't know what to think anymore. I just know I'm tired and starting to question if I'm going to end up depressed because of the situation if I allow it to continue......
|
|
|
Post by doneanddone on Jan 31, 2018 10:56:20 GMT -5
Got a problem.....duh that's why I'm here. Not only is my problem a SM but I am now starting to question whether or not my W is a lazy ass POS. We've been sexless now for 7 years, the exact age of our daughter, go figure. I've gone through the list of reasons for our SM so not gonna go there but now it's on another level. The W works 3 days a week, that's 24 hours Mon, Tues, Wed. She has a 4 day weekend every week.
(back story) Since the first day our daughter was taken to daycare when she was literally 7 months old...... the agreement we both made with each other as brand new parents was I would take her to daycare/school on Mondays and pick her up from daycare/school on Wednesdays. Leaving my W to take her on Tues, Wed, Thurs, and Fri as well as pick her up on those days EXCEPT Wed that's my day to get her. Remember the W only works M,T, W so you would think that taking her and picking her up on Thurs and Fri wouldn't be that big of a deal since oh yeah she isn't fucking working those days.
Does anyone here have a spouse that they are questioning is lazy? My W doesn't do shit on her 4 days off. She may do some laundry but by the time I get home on those days it's still piled up in the basket waiting to be folded and put away. She has maybe vacuumed the floors maybe 5 times in the 15 years we've lived in our home. Don't start with me and sweeping the stairs. We have hard wood stairs and hard wood floors in the basement. I on purpose have not touched them with a broom in 6 months to see if she would eventually grow disgusted with the build up of dirt and dust......she hasn't batted an eye at them. We have a cat that is older than dirt that hacks up fur balls and pukes all over the place, in closets, under beds, in the kitchen.....she leaves it there.....walks right past it to go out to the screen deck to smoke her cigs every morning. The fucking liter box is the bane of my existence......I love animals but want this one to go away. She'll wash dishes and leave them in the sink for weeks on end and if the dish washer is full, she leaves them for weeks as well. She takes the trash bag out of the trash can and walks 3 feet, opens the back door and puts trash bags on the deck.
Am I being to harsh......
Is she lazy if my description is on point?
|
|
|
Post by doneanddone on Jan 12, 2018 14:55:47 GMT -5
Regarding the "reset" -- you guys are literally BLOWING MY MIND with this. I just don't even know what to do with it. I've been in this cycle for 21 years (happy anniversary to me this month), and knew it was jacked up, but you just gave me great clarity on THE RESET. I just don't know what to do with that. I'm stunned. He'd deny and argue his way out of it if I called him on it. But wow, just wow. He's planning a getaway next week because he knows I'm DONE (as evidenced by my lack of fighting or caring-- at least before, I'd beg, whine, complain, mope, and do BAD BEHAVIOR). I just don't even care now. This year, I've done the reverse refusal thing (something else you guys have enlightened me on), and now it's my fault because I've stopped trying. Seriously, the guy I married is NOT GAY or FEMININE, but it's like he has all the tricks mastered. @dan -- yes, I've pointed that out. Being clear and direct are not my weak points. (I have different problems.) Funny thing is I'm right there with you in regards to the lack of fighting or caring. I've had to come to terms with myself as be the counter refuser - at least as of late. If you would have asked me 3 months ago I would have said Hell No but now....yeah, I am, and I don't feel bad probably like she never felt bad every time she refused me. It takes a minute to sink in or it did for me but I'm good with it.
|
|
|
Post by doneanddone on Jan 12, 2018 14:39:11 GMT -5
Welcome to the party surfergirl....
I joined last year but took a 6 months hiatus after i got the ol' snip snip to satisfy the #1 repetitive reason I was given by my refuser, accidental pregnancy. So needless to say that the first couple of times post vasectomy were not anything to be note worthy and as the matter of fact, it's been quite disappointing now knowing all along that it wasn't going to get better. The one reason I did go through with it was knowing that if there were to ever be another opportunity to be fully satisfied again that the "accidental pregnancy" issue is now put to bed for good.....
I don't know what I'm chasing these days other than my own sanity. This forum and the people I have met and connected with have given me a great outlook for down the road. So just know whatever your questions or concerns are just throw it out there and someone on here surely will have some insight for you. Hope that helps......
|
|