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Post by hopingforachange on Jan 11, 2018 12:21:08 GMT -5
surfergirl you are beautiful and like the rest of us here, our bodies are not the reason why it refusers don't want to fuck us.
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Post by surfergirl on Jan 11, 2018 14:34:23 GMT -5
Thanks, hopingforachange. I have a pretty awesome personality, too. LOL
Is there a thread on this board that explores the question? I've looked and can't find a topical thread on that.
I know the reasons vary and are multi-faceted. I stayed for religious reasons and then for the kids. Because our kids think we have an AWESOME marriage (i.e. we get along great). When I filed for divorce, I was ready to take the hit (from the extended family and kids), but then the husband stepped up, begged, went into therapy, etc., etc. And he counts that as "doing something" and "I can't be perfect" but the sex is still awful and about once a month.
So I had an affair. Just to see if I was missing something. (I've never had sex with another person or outside marriage.) And yep, it was HOT. So now I have a problem......husband wants to work on things and we have five kids. But know I know the secret....that sex is really super hot. And if I stay, I have to give that up. And there's no hope that I would find someone new. I own a company and have five kids....too intimidating or a hassle for most men. And the affair partner is a no-go because he is a player (albeit a good one).
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Post by h on Jan 11, 2018 14:49:36 GMT -5
surfergirl start your own thread to discuss all this. Most on here will tell you "Why is irrelevant," but the important thing is that YOU are satisfied with the answer. As for being intimidated by you, I would argue that there are some men out there that consider a confident, intelligent woman a major turn on. Don't slam that door shut before knowing for sure.
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Post by hopingforachange on Jan 11, 2018 15:19:06 GMT -5
surfergirl the why chasing is usually done as you share your story. Every refuser had thier own reasons but we all share the same outcome.
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Post by DryCreek on Jan 11, 2018 16:15:09 GMT -5
surfergirl, and here I was impressed by your avatar pic. My wife wouldn't even know where to buy a body suit like that, not that it would cross her mind. Kudos on staying in shape through 5 kids. If you search for "why chasing" you'll probably find it discussed in a ton of threads. Most of us end up here trying to figure out why, and how we can fix it. A lot of us are frozen in inaction because we can't get past this question. We think it's something we did, or something we could fix. The blunt truth: it doesn't matter why. Only the results matter. Even if you knew why (and some of us do), you still can't fix it - that's on them, and either they can't or they won't.
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Post by surfergirl on Jan 11, 2018 16:39:26 GMT -5
DryCreek,
I get your point. My biggest "ah-ha" in therapy was that I couldn't control someone else.
Now, I could've intellectually said that before therapy, but MY BEHAVIOR did not show that I knew that. Or else, why would I have the same conversation one hundred times? I just couldn't/wouldn't fathom that my tweaking SOMETHING couldn't evoke a change.
Even when I threw down the divorce papers, he shrugged. It wasn't until I packed my stuff that he FREAKED OUT.
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Post by Dan on Jan 12, 2018 12:08:36 GMT -5
Even when I threw down the divorce papers, he shrugged. It wasn't until I packed my stuff that he FREAKED OUT. Glad you're here... and: sorry that you are here. I concur with DryCreek that the road to "understanding why" may be a dead end. Well... worse: a long, bumpy, poorly marked road with lots of side roads... ALL OF WHICH are dead ends! Not saying it is not worth treading... but those of us who have have not found answers. However, the effort MAY provide courage/resolve to chart a different course all together. Is legal separation a thing in your state? (It isn't in mine.) Maybe you need to do more than throw down the divorce papers. Maybe you need to move out for a bit, and make resolution to your satisfaction a condition of moving back/calling off the separation. When there is an ACTUAL legal clock ticking... he might step up. And if he doesn't, hey, start decking out your new bachelorette pad.
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Post by surfergirl on Jan 12, 2018 12:20:19 GMT -5
@dan
Thanks for the sympathy.
I filed for divorce and withdrew at the last second because he pulled out all the stops-- therapy, sex therapy (he quit after two sessions), 2 carat diamond ring, promises, begging, pleading, etc. And in general, it's not like he's a dirtbag. He's a good guy. He's WANTS me to stay. But he does this behavior until I calm down and then he reverts to his safety and no sex. It's a cycle.
The million dollar question is this: how do I get him to stay interested without manipulations and threats?
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Post by h on Jan 12, 2018 12:23:39 GMT -5
@dan Thanks for the sympathy. I filed for divorce and withdrew at the last second because he pulled out all the stops-- therapy, sex therapy (he quit after two sessions), 2 carat diamond ring, promises, begging, pleading, etc. And in general, it's not like he's a dirtbag. He's a good guy. He's WANTS me to stay. But he does this behavior until I calm down and then he reverts to his safety and no sex. It's a cycle. The million dollar question is this: how do I get him to stay interested without manipulations and threats? You can't. What he's doing is what we refer to as "reset" which is described as a drastic change in behavior with the intention of making you change your course of action but with no intention of making the changes permanent.
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Post by surfergirl on Jan 12, 2018 12:27:01 GMT -5
h Oh wow. Thank you for this feedback. I'm going to sit and chew on this.
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Post by hopingforachange on Jan 12, 2018 12:32:38 GMT -5
h Oh wow. Thank you for this feedback. I'm going to sit and chew on this. You will find that is a quite common action done by our refusers. It's a way to reset the hook and keep us in the line.
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Post by surfergirl on Jan 12, 2018 12:35:39 GMT -5
Oh gosh....and I'm falling for it: the tears, the begging, the promising.....
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Post by ModCasper on Jan 12, 2018 13:40:51 GMT -5
Discussion got off topic from pictures; moved posts to new thread. Welcome, surfergirl .
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Post by DryCreek on Jan 12, 2018 13:48:39 GMT -5
Oh gosh....and I'm falling for it: the tears, the begging, the promising..... Been there. Many, many times. As with "why chasing", do a search here on "reset" or "reset sex" and you'll find some very familiar tales of behavior. "It's like deja-vu, all over again."
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Post by worksforme2 on Jan 12, 2018 14:02:47 GMT -5
@dan Thanks for the sympathy. I filed for divorce and withdrew at the last second because he pulled out all the stops-- therapy, sex therapy (he quit after two sessions), 2 carat diamond ring, promises, begging, pleading, etc. And in general, it's not like he's a dirtbag. He's a good guy. He's WANTS me to stay. But he does this behavior until I calm down and then he reverts to his safety and no sex. It's a cycle. The million dollar question is this: how do I get him to stay interested without manipulations and threats? To expand on h's reply and defining "reset". When it comes to a S/M "reset" it generally refers to your partner having sex with you to reset the time clock for when you last had sex. The clock is reset in the expectation that it will quite your grumbling about the lack of intimacy. It's to keep you mollified for a while and to keep you hoping that things could still get better. And it usually works. But as you noted it doesn't last. Before to long the status quo is back in place and there's little intimacy happening, and definitely no sex. The "reset" card is pretty common and will be played again and again, as long as it works for the refusing spouse.
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