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Post by Venus Erotes on Jun 18, 2017 10:51:29 GMT -5
And I apologise - I may have sounded flippant in my post on some of my coping mechanisms. But they're all true. And some of the saner ones. You have NOTHING to apologize for merrygoround! There is NOTHING flippant in your post. It's your go-to list! XOXO!
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Post by Venus Erotes on Jun 18, 2017 9:40:16 GMT -5
The real question is:
Why are you sabotaging your happiness to remain in a space where you aren't happy?
Life coaching and therapy are my go-to strategies. You need to love yourself, figure out your values and do what is best for you. If you can't truly love who you are, you are destined to a life of surviving instead of enjoying life.
OF course we all have responsibilities. A child is a responsibility, A spouse is not. Your spouse is responsible for who they are.
Life is too short. Love who you are and do what is best for you while you still can!
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Post by Venus Erotes on Jun 17, 2017 22:24:23 GMT -5
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Post by Venus Erotes on Jun 17, 2017 22:23:53 GMT -5
I get a dry little kiss and an "I love you" before he leaves for work and again when he comes home. Every evening before he leaves the bedroom to go to the couch I get another dry little kiss and an "I love you". He is nearly always happy to see me. He brings me treats, a piece of chocolate, one of those tiny ice creams, or some other delightful little thing. No sexual advances. I don't think that's intimacy. There's no sex, no sharing of emotion or passion or pleasure. Its baffling. I don't understand it, but I roll with it. Whatever. That's a man who has an ill understanding of what marriage is and should be. I'm so sorry, but it sounds just like my marriage! I am fortunate out marriage is open and I have a BF that truly loves every part of me. I hope you find the same rhapsodee!
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Post by Venus Erotes on Jun 17, 2017 22:21:13 GMT -5
13 years of not hearing those words... You are not alone, I have been there. Pain beyond words Yup...and to top it off, the 13 year mark is on the day my son was born. Every year, his birthday is a private and bittersweet occasion for me. Hopefully the divorce breaks that cycle for next year. Once my role as sperm donor was complete, I was no longer really needed / wanted / loved except for a paycheck and someone to help shuttle the kids around. OMG that's such bullshit. I'm so sorry shamwow
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Post by Venus Erotes on Jun 16, 2017 20:06:05 GMT -5
I just learned this today and I wanted to share... Whiny neutered goats fly It's an acronym (WNGF) for the 4 things that make games fun and addictive. If you are playing a game and its frustrating, then chances are that the game is missing one or more of the 4 letters. So what are the 4 things? Well... for a game to be fun and addicting it must be... 1. W - Winnable. No one likes to play a game they can't win. 2. N - Novel, the game must present new and novel challenges in order to keep your interest alive 3. G - goals, the game needs to have goals for you to reach 4. F - feedback, the game needs to give feedback in regards to your performance. So what does any of this have to do with a SM? Well, the book im reading is suggesting that I try to see frustrating aspects of my life as a game. I'm not a fan of referring to aspects of my relationship as a "game". It just sounds shallow and kind of like I'm playing head games with her. I'm willing to try anything though so maybe seeing it as a game would help me? I don't know. Anyway, the book is suggesting that i use the acronym WNGF to create a new perspective. If I can make this feel like a game that I genuinely want to play, then I may be able to cope much better with the situation. My take on this is that the rules of the game are very flexible and are very much tied to the chosen goals. For example, one "game" i can envision involves the goal of having satisfying sex with my wife once a week. On the other extreme, I could concoct a "game" where my goal is to be faithful yet celibate until the day I die. Both games have truly different goals in mind and therefore would have different strategies to meeting the goals. There are infinite other goals. A goal of a game could be leaving your marriage. The goals can be smaller too. It could be to simply be more able to stand up for yourself and become more assertive with your spouse. It could be to get an education and a job so you feel more capable of standing on your own 2 feet in the event that you do want to leave. Whatever you want to improve upon or change but struggle to feel motivated to do can be reframed as a game. You can form the structure and rules of the game with WNGF in mind to make it fun and addictive (hopefully). That's the idea of it at least. I'm not sure what to do with this concept yet. It's funny though because I can see how my SM absolutely does NOT have the WNGF thing going on. So no wonder it's frustrating. It doesn't seem winnable, it doesn't offer new challenges or novelty, and I get very little feedback. My goal has been to have mutually enjoyable sex with my wife on a regular basis. Maybe that goal is just not winnable in the long run? So maybe, of things keep going downhill for me, I should change the game. I'm just not sure what game I want to play. So I have a lot of thinking to do. GAME? I guess if you need to view life as a game. Sounds like masking the true issues to me. As for an acronym.... WNGF, I like Why Not Givea Fuck? :-D Much easier to remember.
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Post by Venus Erotes on Jun 16, 2017 19:55:49 GMT -5
My friend, with whom I'm staying since the funeral, said to me last night, "you are not going to meet anyone. There is a great distance between what you say you will do (regarding meeting men), and what you will actually do." She also said that's it's okay because the fact that I'm now actually thinking about men is still a step forward from where I started 2-years ago. I think she's right. Maybe it will take me another year to actually go on a date (though there really isn't anyone to go on a date with...but if there were). I want my husband, but that's the grief talking. I miss him a lot. Oh Caris, I am so sorry. Grief is always difficult. I hope you are able to find peace and happiness soon.
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Post by Venus Erotes on Jun 14, 2017 18:31:25 GMT -5
I tried online dating. Didn't click with any of the few men in my area whose profiles attracted me. I also tried getting involved in meet ups and any activity that interested me. I had a lot of fun and met interesting people-- men and women. I was having so much fun that I ended up attracting the attention of an acquaintance I'd known for years due to our being in the same community theater troupe. He asked me out. I went with no expectations of his being the one. I had lots of male platonic friends whom I would go to plays or have dinner or drinks with. Anyway, unlike the case with my other guy friends, this friendship ended up after several platinic dates over a few months catching fire that led to best sex ever and a long term romance. It took so long to get to the sex because he was following my signals. I was divorcing a cheating refuser. I didn't want sexual intimacy, even a 1 night stand until I knew a man well enough to trust him. My eventual partner flirted but didn't make a pass until I gave a clear signal, which i did by changing our normal social good-bye kiss and hug into a passionate one, which he returned and upped the ante. If he had been more aggressive earlier, I would have fled. He told me later that he took his time because he knew I was a keeper. Awwww! So sweet Are you formerly know as mettamomma? I have no idea if she landed in one of these forums... Although your writing style is much different.
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Post by Venus Erotes on Jun 14, 2017 18:29:01 GMT -5
One tip: I do NOT suggest telling a prospective lover about how your marriage was sexless and how long it had been sexless. If you are a woman, I believe most guys would think that you'll be easy pickings, and may treat you like that (just like some guys think that recently divorced women will be desperate for sex with them). Prospective partners of either gender also might naively wonder what's wrong with you that your spouse wouldn't have sex with you. After they know you better -- including in bed -- they could realize that something was wrong with your partner. But, for most people, sex is so natural and expected in a marriage, that they really would wonder what could possibly be so awful about you that caused your partner to reject you. That's reason to delay telling them until they've experienced you sexually and otherwise also know you well. When I told my partner months after we'd started having sex, his response was, "What's wrong with your ex?" A few months ago, a guy posted here that he had been engaging in increasingly sexy chatting with a woman on-line. From what he indicated, the woman wasn't someone he met here. They finally decided to meet in person. He decided to warn her that due to his having been in a SM, he might flinch when she touched him, and he might have other difficulties with physical intimacy. The woman ghosted him. I wasn't surprised. Someone looking for a hook-up isn't looking to have to be their lover's sex counselor. They want hot and reliable sex. Obviously, this advice would not apply to people who meet in a site like this, however. But, while I know that there are enduring, happy couples like Baz and Ms Enna who met in a sexless marriage forum, in general, I don't think it's a good idea for those who have left their SM to look for a partner who has had a similar experience. First, I don't think it's a good idea to look for someone to heal you sexually unless that someone is a therapist. Most of the healing that's involved depends on changing your own view of yourself and of the importance of sex. FWIW, there's no indication that Baz or Enna were looking for someone to fix them when they became intimate. They'd both been working very hard on healing themselves. Also, person who has been in a SM is likely to lack confidence, may have very rusty sexual skills (such as having anxiety-related ED) and may have other problems related to physical and emotional intimacy. They also may have forgotten or never have learned what it's like to be in a normal romance that includes sex. Having a partner with similar concerns may make the sex and intimacy more difficult to achieve than if they are with a person who isn't trying to heal from years of rejection. Being with a man who hadn't been in a SM is how I learned how to laugh with joy while having sex, to be assertive about asking for sex, and to be casually, unabashedly naked with my lover. His comfort with his own sexuality and needs and his delight in my expressing mine was what helped me to blossom sexually after being stifled for so long. I like this. I like this A LOT. Could you post it separately as it's own post? I agree with it 50%. The other 50% is still loaded with doubts, fears, and questions, as I prepare to heal from my Divorce, SM, and start a new chapter into the dating world. I agree with greatcoastal! It's *gold* northstarmom!
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Post by Venus Erotes on Jun 14, 2017 18:25:29 GMT -5
So I am once more seeing what I saw before using a dating site, in this case OKC, and that's why I deleted 2-years ago. Men available on my home ground (where I actually live), 24. That's it, 24 profiles that I'm not attracted to, or show compatibility. To top that, most are the same profiles I saw 2-years ago. This means that in my area, only 24 men on OKC are interested in meeting a woman of my age. If I put in my current location, which is a major city, there are too many to count, but again only one profile got my attention. That's not to say I haven't had some good conversations. I've had about 3, but these men are either in another country or another state, and even they are moving too fast for my comfort level. It seems men want physicality almost immediately. They want your phone number, and I'm not doing that after already being catfished in my first week. Several profiles have gone, one day after contacting me, so I'm ultra cautious. My friend, who is a decade younger than I am, and super hot, hasn't found one relationship in 3-years of using the same site and a couple of others. It's been one long procession of dates who want to get into her pants. I've heard this from other women too. She finds it disheartening, and thinks she'll never find a compatible guy. So, I don't care what others say about "finding the one," sometimes there is no "one." That is the harsh reality for some, not all, but some. I found LOVE! I love ME! I take myself out to dinner, movies, do things I want to do.... I love me and I'm a GREAT date! I don't think there is a "one". I think there are several, and when we are ready for them they come to us. Waiting is the shitty part :/
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Post by Venus Erotes on Jun 14, 2017 18:15:22 GMT -5
Me too. Rape last September. I was already in therapy, and realizing it was rape took me a few days. Date/acquaintance rape.... I barely remember it, but I do remember telling him no over the course of the evening. A leave of absence and more intense therapy and medications through my psychiatrist helped me get back in line. I've also used it as a spring board to leap myself forward, through the trauma, to a position of survivor and no one is standing in my way. There is no way in HELL I am letting that asshole and what he did to me control my life. I am so sorry to hear what happened. More than sorry wish I knew what to say to help. I am fighting, I am fighting so hard, to not let the past win. Thank you for this. The mornings are just the worst would like to say hi in the mornings to stop the loneliness? There is no way in HELL I am letting that asshole and what he did to me control my life. I'm doing really well, but thank you for your concern! I hate seeing people in pain, and so often we need to work through the root of the pain so we can forgive and move on. Now, I don't forgive him, but I did go to a pretty incredible therapist who also uses hypnosis in her practice. She's UNBELIEVABLE! Find your peace and happiness @rpd62. You deserve to be happy!
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Post by Venus Erotes on Jun 14, 2017 16:49:23 GMT -5
Just as a hypothetical, what do you think about this scenario - - you source an appropriate person - you commence a sexual relationship - you get caught Hypothetically, how do you figure your missus would react ? - Calmly ? - A smidge pissed off about it ? - Volcanically angrily ? - Divorce you ? I do not know what the future holds. She lives a comfortable lifestyle as my sexless life partner. I am done sacrificing my sex life. If she chooses to sacrifice her lifestyle over something she is not using, that is her perogative. SHE lives a comfortable lifestyle, but you don't get to? What keeps you there? Have you thought about that? You're miserable enough to outsource, but not miserable enough to leave. That confuses me, unless you have a very good reason to stay. So why do you stay?
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Post by Venus Erotes on Jun 11, 2017 20:12:23 GMT -5
I got lucky. Hubs offered the open marriage as a way to keep me around and make sure the kids still had their mom.
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Post by Venus Erotes on Jun 11, 2017 18:39:18 GMT -5
Me too. Rape last September. I was already in therapy, and realizing it was rape took me a few days. Date/acquaintance rape.... I barely remember it, but I do remember telling him no over the course of the evening. A leave of absence and more intense therapy and medications through my psychiatrist helped me get back in line.
I've also used it as a spring board to leap myself forward, through the trauma, to a position of survivor and no one is standing in my way. There is no way in HELL I am letting that asshole and what he did to me control my life.
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Post by Venus Erotes on Jun 11, 2017 18:30:47 GMT -5
One of the things that woke me up to my SM issue was exposure to the world of BDSM, just a few months ago. There are a lot of misconceptions about BDSM versus abuse. They are not the same, not related. BDSM experiences are built on trust and consent. In fact, there is a real obsession with consent. When I was signing my marriage license, there was no legal wording stating my consent to end my sex life. If I had a hobby I loved, and after the wedding, my wife told me I could not do that hobby any more, I would have been upset. I did not consent to give up that hobby when we got married. Somehow, though, giving it up was exactly what I did. I stuffed my frustrations. I asked, and begged. I told myself this was all going to turn around, just to give myself hope. I'm done hoping. I have no hope left that this is going to change. I'm sure there will be plenty of people in my life that, when it happens, accuse me of being a cheater, and treat my wife as the innocent victim. The way I see it, I was the one that was cheated. I was the willing victim. I do not consent to this neglect. Not anymore. So glad you are seeing and end to your misery. Know who you are moving forward and learn from the good, the bad and the ugly. Stay true to who you are and I know you'll find the happiness you deserve!
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