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Post by deadzone75 on Feb 9, 2024 23:15:15 GMT -5
Here is my number one: "Watch this podcast." No podcast or marriage "expert" ever got me laid in my SM. Nor did they make me feel any better about not getting laid. I am in the boat with deadzone75. I read numerous articles and studies back when I was searching for the "why". And I attempted to follow much of the advise given. But none of it ever got me laid or even close, far as I could tell. Like toughtiger postulated, i also think most of the "experts" are speaking about or to couples who want to find a fix to their problems. Yup. If there is a mutual interest to fix things, sure. Otherwise it is the equivalent of asking your refuser if they want to watch a porno with you.
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Post by deadzone75 on Feb 9, 2024 19:41:37 GMT -5
Here is my number one: "Watch this podcast." No podcast or marriage "expert" ever got me laid in my SM. Nor did they make me feel any better about not getting laid.
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Post by deadzone75 on Feb 9, 2024 19:37:26 GMT -5
Based on what you have shared here in the past, I'm going to say it's highly probable he has a completely separate life with someone else. The money bag, the half-assed way he bothers to hide things. Now this...even if it isn't specifically about sex, a refuser won't give you a card that starts out HOT SEX NOW. And he doesn't seem like the sort of thoughtful individual who would buy an anniversary card a month early. Unless you have had recent significant progress, this card is intended for another, IMO.
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Post by deadzone75 on Feb 8, 2024 10:49:47 GMT -5
Minor update on my relationship. We've had a couple of intimacy dates now where the focus was on hugging and kissing. I did enjoy it but I've realized that's not going to be enough for me in the long run. I keep hoping that the deep passionate kissing might arouse her... but doesn't seem to be. We were driving out to dinner last night, and I had a moment of perfect clarity where it all seemed so simple and I was comfortable walking away. There's going to be some logistical and financial issues but I'd rather work until I'm 80 then live without affection and passion for the rest of my life. You say you enjoyed it, but did you get any sense SHE enjoyed it? I'm guessing not, otherwise the kissing would have led to sex. I'm glad you are at least starting to visualize walking away. The financial aspect is a nightmare, to be sure, what might or might not happen. But just think back to when you were 18 and living paycheck to paycheck without a care in the world. Be brave again, and you'll eventually come out on the other side, AND you just might get laid out of the deal.
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Post by deadzone75 on Feb 7, 2024 23:54:29 GMT -5
"I actually said this - "You need to understand - masturbation is NOT a replacement for sexual connection in a relationship. It's the same as me telling you to go into the bathroom and talk to yourself if you want emotional connection - take care of it yourself. And see how satisfying this is to you." I received a shocked look, but progress was made finally. Some people just don't allow themselves to think sex is on the same level and need as emotional connection." If one has to give this kind of explanation to a sexually experienced adult, they are probably either asexual, completely sexually turned off by you or they are lying about not understanding the emotional connection sex offers. They will never be sexually compatible with you. Yup. They listen to these alien words as if they've never heard the like, then they might even tolerate therapy to pass the time. Meanwhile, what is not happening during all of these talks and "therapy" sessions? No sex. Give you a little hope for the future while really giving you nothing. Refusers aren't clueless; they are deceivers.
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Post by deadzone75 on Jan 29, 2024 23:30:46 GMT -5
So wife finally said to me today that as far as physical contact goes, she'd be willing to massage me. But she's planning this in a week from now when she gets back from a business trip. That's it, that's what I have to look forward to for the rest of my life until she gets bored of that too. After telling her how much it hurts that we don't have sex I get to look forward to what will likely be a once a month massage. This isn't enough, this isn't what a marriage is supposed to be. Fml. When she gets back from the business trip, I wouldn't be there.
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Post by deadzone75 on Dec 5, 2023 11:09:45 GMT -5
Maybe we should create another political opinion thread. That's the last time a Mod ran in here to "save the day". Spammers overtaking the site apparently isn't as big of a threat.
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Post by deadzone75 on Nov 15, 2023 1:28:03 GMT -5
Was alcohol a factor here? No, unfortunately. She has done this several times and was never drunk at the time. She has fallen asleep during full body massage, and I did attribute that to good technique on my part, as jim4444 pointed out. However, his post finally penetrated my thick skull and I now see that I have not made myself clear in my OP. Sorry for that. This is actually funny, though. Due to my lack of details, y’all made an assumption that is exactly backwards. So “Rewind. Reverse that.” In these several instances of which I am speaking, she fell asleep while giving ME foreplay. To be explicit, handjob - twice; her kissing me “below the belt” - twice. Yeah, immediate blow to the ego, but my ego is pretty healthy, so I attributed it to her total lack of interest in the proceedings. This is kind of funny because I had been reading all of your responses from the point of view of my original poorly worded intent, and they all still work. Now I re-read them from your point of view and the advice is totally different. Thanks, y’all. You unintentionally made me laugh and made my day. That she was the one giving when she passed out is somehow even worse. That's brutal, man. Only excuse either way would be if the person died.
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Post by deadzone75 on Nov 15, 2023 1:22:00 GMT -5
Please don't throw the phrase PTSD around so lightly. It is a debilitating, sometimes life-threatening, serious mental affliction. Similarly, people make light of conditions like OCD and depression. Please don't assume someone who suggests they or others may have PTSD is suggesting it lightly. Some members here have suffered worse than others, longer than others, and may have not been able to cope as well as others.
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Post by deadzone75 on Nov 2, 2023 20:50:37 GMT -5
I have frequent dreams that I still live in my SM, but it's always a different house, and even though I know she's there, I never actually see my ex in these dreams.
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Post by deadzone75 on Oct 24, 2023 11:33:00 GMT -5
I did so not follow any of that...going back for another look sorry wrote out when mad ... often lose my focus in being ticked off. We agreed to try new things to make situation more bearable This will never be bearable...for you. Wherever you go, whatever you do, you still will not be getting that one huge need met. And the resentment will build and poison everything. Even if he isn't trying to get under your skin, he will get under your skin, because eventually all you will see is someone who doesn't want to have sex with you. The only person that wins in a roommate agreement is the refuser.
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Post by deadzone75 on Oct 23, 2023 17:18:21 GMT -5
Many women could say the same thing about dating. Don't follow Tiktok trends to see what prospective partners want. Be yourself. That will attract the kind of people who'll appreciate you. If you are dating a person who gives forth no effort move on. This. I don't need to see some girl give a book report of some book she pulled off the relationship shelf of the personal growth section at Barnes&Noble for her social media street cred to teach me why I might not want to date, why women might not want to date me, why I want to get laid, why I can't laid, why I do get laid, why I like blowjobs, why I've thought about tentacle porn, or any other bit of insight from a generation that thinks they hold the secrets of the universe on their TikTok channel. Here are my 5 reasons why ANYONE doesn't date anymore: 1) People are bigger assholes than ever before 2) It's not as easy to fuck your co-workers in 2023 like it used to be back in the good 'ol days. 3) It's not as easy to fuck your co-workers in 2023 like it used to be back in the good 'ol days. 4) It's not as easy to fuck your co-workers in 2023 like it used to be back in the good 'ol days. 5) Thanks to social media, guys can now just hop on Twitch, check out some woman painting her tits with body paint, jerk off and go to bed because they have to get up early and go to work...where it's not as easy to fuck your co-workers like it used to be back in the good 'ol days.
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Post by deadzone75 on Oct 22, 2023 23:42:29 GMT -5
Forget sex; there are bigger problems here.
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Post by deadzone75 on Oct 6, 2023 10:20:50 GMT -5
h: "I remember how to have sex. My body doesn't remember though. The last two encounters, I couldn't rise to the occasion. I no longer see her as a sexual person anymore." With the constant rejection, of course you couldn't rise to the occasion. I bet you could with a woman who was obviously attracted to you sexually. If, however, you are having difficulty rising to the occasion while self pleasuring, see a doctor. Maybe you need cialis or t therapy or maybe you have a medical problem like diabetes. My now partner of 10 years went to see his doctor when his libido dropped. He wasn't even in a sexual relationship then, but started using t therapy and Cialis. When I came into his life, he was ready. That's exactly my situation. I have zero problems solo. It's only with her. Foreplay is the hardest thing, in my opinion. When you spend weeks, months and years just waiting for a chance to (pardon the chill) stick it in a warm spot and get off, you shut that part of intimacy off first. Detached, because there's no time to waste, no need to humiliate yourself with slow and sensual kissing or sucking when the other person is looking at the clock. YOU are on the clock, and you best hurry up and be done with it before you suffer the stifled yawns or sighs of indifference.
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Post by deadzone75 on Oct 6, 2023 10:09:22 GMT -5
Counciling for me is for how I personally adapt to the current situation. Day to day at the moment my thoughts change from wanting to leave to wanting to stay. While we both do our own counciling I've talked with her about how important some kind of sexual contact is and we're determining what that might look like together. Do we do mutual massage nights, will she touch my dick at all, or maybe use the fleshlight on me. We're trying to find her comfort limit. Once I know for sure what those limits are, I'll look more seriously at leaving or outsourcing but if there's a chance of some, even limited sexual contact it'll go a long way for me. I don't doubt that a little would go a long way, but here's the problem...why you are grappling with a counselor, trying to beg for the tiniest scrap of affection, she's in the other room banging out the latest sex scene in her book. Oh wait, but she says she's asexual. She's full of shit. And if she isn't, it's damn sure a waste of time to be in counseling. One of those things are true. Will she touch your dick either way? No, unless she thinks it'll keep you around for another 5 years. Unless it's the ONLY way to keep you around for another five years and she thinks you are ACTUALLY on the brink of leaving. But you aren't getting sex ever again with her. You know it, she knows it, we know it, the counselor knows it. You've already stated you are staying because of finances. A counselor will not change that. YOU have to change that. And I'm not bashing that decision. I stayed for my own bullshit reasons until the script was flipped on me, so I get it. But you already have everything you need to make an informed decision, and to take the measures yourself. There will be no revelation in a therapist's office.
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