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Post by deadzone75 on Mar 6, 2024 20:37:03 GMT -5
One of the biggest favors my X ever did me was refuse counseling. She told me we didn't need it. She didn't say this because we were fine; she said this because she didn't want to waste her time, because she knew she didn't want to have sex. "Oh, but wait!! For a thousand dollars this doctor will tell you why you really do want to have sex with me!! Yeah, no.
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Post by deadzone75 on Mar 6, 2024 18:43:29 GMT -5
I think there's a general view that most women prefer the man to take charge, not in everything. I'm thinking more in terms of planning a date night. All of us have had the conversation with our wife's like this, M: what do you want for dinner? W: anything. M: How about Chinese? W: nah, I don't feel like Chinese. M: ok how about Italian? W: no not Italian. M: what do you want? W: i don't know. I feel like in these cases it's easier just to say, grab your stuff honey we're going to to Joe's kitchen. If there is that view, it comes from people who haven't been laid in a very long time. I would agree that sometimes a woman wants a man to take charge in the bedroom. And sometimes not. I've never felt the responsibility to arrange a date night because I'm a man.
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Post by deadzone75 on Mar 2, 2024 18:26:09 GMT -5
You guys are all right. I know it, I just don't want to admit it. I have another councilling session on Monday. I need to ask point blank if we will ever have any kind of sexual touching. What she says in counciling doesn't match with reality what she's told me alone. At this point even if there is some kind of sexual touching I know its not what she wants. A better idea would be to tell her, in this appointment, that you are done with appointments. You just stated she lies in the appointments, so she will continue to kick that can down the road. Endless appointments, endless "homework" assignments she will keep ignoring, endless pain for you. Also, I'm curious if you've told the therapist that she is refusing her homework assignments.
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Post by deadzone75 on Mar 2, 2024 13:36:00 GMT -5
You are correct with this. I stayed until I felt that I had left no stone unturned in my efforts to get my marriage back on track. It was hard time, but time well spent. I think my certainty that the marriage was deceased was a huge factor in my ability to move on comfortably after I left. I had no “if only’s” or “what if’s” to deal with. Once I dropped the bomb, I never had a whisper of doubt or regret. Just when I think I'm 100% there and ready to tell her she does something like last night. I had my hand on her while she was reading but I made a mistake by twitching a finger and she pushed my hand away ( it was on her hip). So I roll over to sleep and as I'm falling asleep she comes over and spoons me, I held her so tight. It felt so good just for her to initiate that little contact that I was tearing up. Then as suddenly as it started she rolled back over and went to sleep. Now I'm thinking to myself, is this a start? Is there anyway to build on this or will be weeks again before she reaches out and touches me? Or is she sensing how close I am to leaving and just breadcrumbing me? It's not the start of something. She has spooned you before after ignoring you. Rather, it is the end, if you are accepting of and are cool with spooning being the most intimacy you are ever going to get from her. She already knows it. She knows she has all the power. You can take it all back with one sentence.
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Post by deadzone75 on Mar 1, 2024 2:26:44 GMT -5
If I remember correctly, isn't her maximum intimacy just kissing? Tattoo that on your eyeballs! You're right and yet in therapy she will say she's building up to that but we need the emotional connection first. So I've been trying everything I can not to create distance but last week was a major setback when she cancelled our cuddling date because she was tired, but 2 hours later she was on her phone. So the message I got from that is even cuddling is a chore she'd rather not do. We talked about that yesterday and she apologized "I'm only human and make mistakes". I'm curious if these were her words. If they were, that should pretty much free you from whatever emotional attachment you have left on your end. She's telling you there is nothing there. That's not coming back, no matter how many "touching" appointments she bails on.
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Post by deadzone75 on Mar 1, 2024 2:21:55 GMT -5
The other thing I've tried to explain is that I "need" her to want to touch me, not just do things when scheduled or when I ask and I'd like her to initiate those touches. When I tried to explain that she had a deer caught in the headlights look like I was speaking an alien language. Unless her head is severed from her body, she knows what you are saying; she just doesn't care. You are stuck in an endless loop that will never, ever stop.
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Post by deadzone75 on Feb 28, 2024 15:14:51 GMT -5
I had a quick talk today about the trip...it turned into something much longer then expected. I said I don't want to go on the trip because of the cost but I also told her I don't want to end up frustrated. That became me being too focused on sex and putting too much pressure on her. She also said she feels like I don't want to spend time with her unless there's sex which devalues her. I've tried explaining again how important physical intimacy is but maybe it really is different for men and women? She's then asked if I'm looking for a way out.... I backed out again and said it's my hope that we can get to a more comfortable level of intimacy. That's pretty much how we ended. It's so God damn hard to say I want out. Because I don't really, I want more..from her. At the very least, I hope you do not attend one more counseling session with that woman. It's obviously "too much pressure" and "devalues" her. She just told you exactly what she thinks of it.
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Post by deadzone75 on Feb 28, 2024 15:10:53 GMT -5
A few years back I tried generic Viagra for the same reason. I thought it might make the awful once-in-a-blue-moon sex more enjoyable. I was wrong. I couldn't breathe out of my nose for a couple hours. The sex still sucked, and I still had the pre-sex, mid-sex and post-sex blues, and I had bonus congestion. I've noticed I'm aroused more easily and a little more sensitive which isn't good when I take it thinking I'll get lucky and it doesn't happen. I occasionally get the congestion as well. I do remember waking up the next morning very aroused...like diamond aroused. My first thought was how long have I been like this?? Because the television says an erection lasting longer than three hours requires immediate medical attention.
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Post by deadzone75 on Feb 28, 2024 15:08:58 GMT -5
A few years back I tried generic Viagra for the same reason. I thought it might make the awful once-in-a-blue-moon sex more enjoyable. I was wrong. I couldn't breathe out of my nose for a couple hours. The sex still sucked, and I still had the pre-sex, mid-sex and post-sex blues, and I had bonus congestion. So, DZ, I guess the question is whether a stuffy nose is worth increasing your chances of being able to pull up your own pants when you’re 80. Not for the first time, I find myself very grateful I am a woman. Not for the first time, I find myself depressed that I am a man. Is tapping out at 70 an option?
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Post by deadzone75 on Feb 28, 2024 13:40:18 GMT -5
I have a prescription for the generic Cialis that I use only because sometimes I lose my erection because my wife just isn't into it. She hates that I get it filled and tells me I don't need it. A few years back I tried generic Viagra for the same reason. I thought it might make the awful once-in-a-blue-moon sex more enjoyable. I was wrong. I couldn't breathe out of my nose for a couple hours. The sex still sucked, and I still had the pre-sex, mid-sex and post-sex blues, and I had bonus congestion.
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Post by deadzone75 on Feb 28, 2024 11:13:29 GMT -5
I was under the impression you were past the point of offering her conditions for avoiding disaster. I know I mentioned this page already, is it not potentially useful for constructing your hail Mary? iliasm.org/thread/5780/build-own-talkI nearly 100% sure I'm past the point of no return but the conversation will happen before actually serving papers so feels more like a divorce is imminent then happening. Last night I talked about how disappointed I was when she canceled our date last week to scroll on her phone. She just said she was tired but got her second wind after I went to sleep. *wtf Now I'm running into the cost of procrastinating.. This morning my wife started talking about going on a romantic trip to Irleand for our 25th anniversary. I have zero interest in doing this trip with our intimacy the way it currently is. It seems like despite everything we've talked about she still thinks everything is fine with us. I'll look at the crafting the talk post today, because I think that conversation needs to happen sooner then later. A few thoughts here. One is that she knows that things aren't fine. With the exception of medical impairments, all refusers know things aren't fine. They simply don't care about your intimate wants and desires. Look at the above comment about your W getting her second wind AFTER you fell asleep. She is trolling you...legit rubbing it in your face, a total "oops, YOUR bad...if you had juuuust stayed up two minutes longer." She's full of shit, laughing in your face, and inside you know it. You book that trip and there will be more financial considerations, more reasons to stay, etc etc etc. That's how it goes. There is planning on your end in terms of leaving, but there is no planning needed to have this talk. In fact, it shouldn't even be a discussion. There should be no room for conversation or negotiation. Look to member isthisit for a perfect delivery: "I can't be your spouse anymore." Not a question, not a confrontation, a statement.
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Post by deadzone75 on Feb 27, 2024 11:46:29 GMT -5
I understand where you are coming from as I feel like I'm in the same situation. I love my wife but I don't feel like I'm in love like I was at one point. The resentment of years of different views on sex and intimacy are getting to be just too much for me. Is there any way you can maybe take her to lunch somewhere private and have that discussion with her? Or maybe have it in the evening once she feels better? Maybe it comes up in our next therapy session when we have to explain how we haven't made any progress on her "homework". I read an earlier post of yours where you stated you were about to cancel your remaining sessions. This is one way to let her know you are done. It won't matter one way or another when you drop the news; there will never be a convenient time to have that discussion, just like there is never a convenient time for her to touch you. If you choose to continue down the spiral of counseling, DO NOT mention this to the therapist. They want that cash flow, and they sure as hell aren't going to throw in the towel on your behalf and say, "yup, she's not shagging you, dude". Instead, they will double-down and you'll get "homework" that will aim to have her actually touch your penis with one finger!!!! in 2025. I get it; I procrastinated so long, my X ended things before I could. If you have the means right now, do it right now.
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Post by deadzone75 on Feb 17, 2024 22:52:45 GMT -5
Just had a lecture from some Woman on You Tube comments - she is happily married with 3 kids - and sex is NEVER a need, it's a want and expecting sex in marriage as a need is toddler level thinking. I hate people somedays. I thanked her for proving my point about invalidation of others needs regarding sex. Asked her to not hug her children when they "need" it also - would she do that. Of course I am selfish because I want sex and touch in my relationship. I really, truly despise people who are so dismissive of others needs. And her husband is probably happily banging her best friend.
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Post by deadzone75 on Feb 11, 2024 0:17:11 GMT -5
The Resentment Stage is missing. It was the end stage for me. All I could see was resentment. If she started to tell me about her day, all I wanted was for her to stop talking because she didn't deserve to have me listen. Even if I wanted to tell her something about my day, I stopped myself, only needing a split-second to remind myself I was angry at her. I swear I could barely look at her by the end, blinded by resentment. The last few times I found her attractive were fantasies about her with other people, because I simply couldn't imagine allowing myself to even feel intimate with her anymore. I hated feeling that way, hated feeling consumed by it, hated eventually NEEDING to feel it to drive me through each day. I felt that I was too cruel at times in my choice to ignore her, but I simply couldn't overcome it, and the overwhelming pain she had caused me over the years, whether intentional or not. And the resentment was, I think, what caused HER to end things.
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Post by deadzone75 on Feb 11, 2024 0:04:12 GMT -5
Based on what you have shared here in the past, I'm going to say it's highly probable he has a completely separate life with someone else. The money bag, the half-assed way he bothers to hide things. Now this...even if it isn't specifically about sex, a refuser won't give you a card that starts out HOT SEX NOW. And he doesn't seem like the sort of thoughtful individual who would buy an anniversary card a month early. Unless you have had recent significant progress, this card is intended for another, IMO. I am afraid this was my first thought too. I hope I am wrong and he simply planted it to mess with your mind. Either way that makes him a cheat or a twat. Hard to know which to hope for. But, it doesn’t matter for you, out is out and that’s the goal. He could be a cheating twat. In any case, this guy is deserving of a kick to the junk on the way out the door.
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