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Post by deadzone75 on Apr 3, 2024 15:52:16 GMT -5
It’s nice to have some fun around here again. Harks back to the good old days. I haven’t quite given up hope that can be achieved again here. I agree. A little levity never hurt anyone.
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Post by deadzone75 on Apr 3, 2024 15:44:54 GMT -5
Ahhh...I deduced it meant something like that, but I could find no hard evidence. And I love the word "daft". I basically sit around and wait for an excuse to use it! And I love the word “junk” and sit around waiting for an excuse to use one. 😉 !!
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Post by deadzone75 on Apr 3, 2024 15:40:09 GMT -5
I researched British slang and still can't find a suitable definition for the use of "nick" in this sentence...am I daft? 🤣🤣 it means in good shape. And who said you could appropriate “daft”? 🤣 Ahhh...I deduced it meant something like that, but I could find no hard evidence. And I love the word "daft". I basically sit around and wait for an excuse to use it!
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Post by deadzone75 on Apr 3, 2024 15:36:03 GMT -5
Egad! Limbs were entangled, and even that wasn't enough to keep him awake... Nope, soapy, slippery and with wandering hands. The man is simply not fixable. And in case anyone is wondering, I am in decent nick and not some sort of oaf or something. I researched British slang and still can't find a suitable definition for the use of "nick" in this sentence...am I daft?
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Post by deadzone75 on Apr 3, 2024 15:30:22 GMT -5
I was encouraged by another member to post here about what's happening in my life because others may find it helpful. I wanted to pay forward the benefit of what I got here when I found this board years ago when I was in a very dark and lonely place and trying to face what was happening in my marriage. I was hesitant to post because I anticipated some of the responses that I'm getting. Some have been very helpful, or at least supportive. But they are outweighed by those that are unhelpful and negative. Maybe some of you mean well, but your posts are coming across as angry and bitter. There's no compassion. No willingness to listen to my story and understand a different point of view or experience, or to consider that there are two decades of history between me and my husband and you might not be aware of every little detail. Instead, I'm told that my experience and perspective is wrong. What I've shared is dismissed. There's no conversation--just an airing of other peoples issues on my thread. I challenge you to consider whether you have treated your spouse that way, and think about whether that could have some impact on how your spouse interacts--or does not interact--with you. There has been discussion about the decline of this site. I concur that it's less active than in the past. There's also more judgment than what was present in the past. It doesn't feel like a safe space anymore where people can work through the painful experience that is living in a sexless marriage. I'm sad to find this to be true for myself, and I hope that there's still some value here for others. Before you put your words out into the world, please consider their impact. Your intent might be good, but it's the impact that matters most. I don't know if my posts are included, but I'll assume they are, since my responses today are much more direct than they used to be five or six years ago. Finally out of my SM, I hold more bitterness toward my former refuser than I ever did while I was in the relationship, mostly because of how it ended. This bleeds over to ANY refuser I hear about. My patience is less, my words more blunt. I've no time to not tell the truth because I lied so much during my marriage. I lied for a lifetime to myself and to others. This doesn't mean I lack compassion. On the contrary, I have all the compassion in the world for the refused, but nothing but contempt for refusers. Whether they are more polite than others, maybe, but they are all refusers, and that is betrayal. If you have had an otherwise great relationship for decades, then you are in an elevated situation compared to some in here, but you are still here. You have obviously treated him with the upmost care and respect throughout your relationship. And you are still here. And here is a safe space, even if people don't view your H with a measure of objectivity. Is it possible to co-exist in a SM with an agreement on FWB? I'm sure it can be, and if that's the missing piece in your life, I hope you find it.
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Post by deadzone75 on Apr 3, 2024 15:14:13 GMT -5
She showered with you and ignored your erection? Good Lord. What was the point of the shower if there was no action? It does seem that she showered with you because the counsellor told her that she should as she has agreed to it, rather than she wanted to. And her ignorance of your erection is as clear an expression of her disinterest in intimacy as it is possible to achieve. Soapy loveliness is such a joy, that woman is simply broken. And you are exceptionally patient to see the silver lining with all of that. I’d be super grumpy to put it mildly. In fairness to her, we had agreed in advance this was to build up comfort and there would be no touching below the waist. Although I was hoping that being soapy and naked together might stir up some arousal in her. How did you ever score with that woman? I swear, if I didn't know better, I'd say she just thawed from a block of ice, and you are trying to acclimate her to dicks and utensils because they frighten her.
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Post by deadzone75 on Apr 3, 2024 15:11:44 GMT -5
Not sure how this works? Shower with hardon that is ignored? Dammit this is why we don't shower together because she knows we're curling toes if we're taking a shower together. Actually, this has just reminded me that at the end of the marriage, I was also victim of this. I persuaded H to take a bath with me. So, there we were in the two person tub, opposite each other all warm and slippery (me more than him 😉) with limbs entangled…. Sexy for me, and that damn man fell asleep. He woke up in cold water. Alone. And with a very bad tempered wife. Clueless about why I was annoyed. He got kicked into touch pretty soon afterwards- shell shocked I had had enough. Egad! Limbs were entangled, and even that wasn't enough to keep him awake...
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Post by deadzone75 on Apr 3, 2024 13:25:34 GMT -5
Kick that door open and run through it, man! Normally I'd advise discretion when it comes to mixing work and pleasure (rich, as I've slept with a few co-workers in my life), but not in this case. Fuck the job; you can find another one if it became an issue. This girl wants to give you attention, wants you in her house AND loves video games?? It's a sign if there ever was one!! There is already no going back...no going back to a happy marriage where your wife will ever touch you of her own free will. If I may be so bold, I dare say she will never act like she even likes you, much less loves you. She will keep you in endless counseling sessions that lead to nowhere for the rest of your life, with promises of maybe possibly holding your hand two weeks from now, for really real this time. And worry not about being "the bad guy". In terms of divorce proceedings, watch your back of course, but I guarantee no matter how things end, you WILL be painted as the villain anyway. Family and friends may never know that the marriage fell apart because she refused to touch you, because she became full of deceit and lies and cared nothing for your well-being. And that's okay, because YOU know the truth, and so does that girl who loves video games. The temptation is there and given my current circumstances I don't think I'd feel guilty about it at all. But I'd still rather make the clean break when I'm ready and be free to do what I want. More update. So after our last session our councilor called my wife out for not following through on the promise of a shower together. And we actually did that last night. It was nice, touch was above the waist with some kissing. I was hard as a rock the whole time but she ignored that part. After we cuddled in bed for a bit. It seems that just as I'm ready to call it quits, she'll offer something. I know it's breadcrumbing and a shower really doesn't provide much but I won't lie, it was really nice to be naked with skin on skin even as limited as it was. It seems that just as I'm ready to call it quits, she'll offer something.This is by design. She will offer you something to keep you there, and never offer everything. If I showered next to someone and they ignored my erection for the entirety of said shower, I wouldn't speak to them again for days. Your W has set your expectations at a subterranean level. That's the spell you'll have to break, or else she'll be able to keep you on that fishing hook indefinitely, and she'll only need to wink at you to do it.
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Post by deadzone75 on Apr 3, 2024 11:32:39 GMT -5
I often wondered what these ladies who think forced celibacy is OK if they had this type of conversation with her girlfriends .....i know they don't ..... they do not claim to be asexual or just done unless ALL friends are the same .....unlikely. I know for a fact ......many women lie about how great things are after i had already heard the H version of sleeping as far away in house as he can and barely speaking to her...... Also single or women not getting any at home would be willing to make a FWB thing with spouses they know are starved of intimacy too .......... if they know M is a possible Friend ..... There's actually a woman friend that I've been talking to a lot. We play some video games online and talk about a lot. She knows of my pending separation and my current emotional unavailability/depression. She's dropped hints that she'd like me to come over to her place under the guise of showing me some of her movies/games. I've been saying no mostly because we work together and I know once that door is open there's no going back. Kick that door open and run through it, man! Normally I'd advise discretion when it comes to mixing work and pleasure (rich, as I've slept with a few co-workers in my life), but not in this case. Fuck the job; you can find another one if it became an issue. This girl wants to give you attention, wants you in her house AND loves video games?? It's a sign if there ever was one!! There is already no going back...no going back to a happy marriage where your wife will ever touch you of her own free will. If I may be so bold, I dare say she will never act like she even likes you, much less loves you. She will keep you in endless counseling sessions that lead to nowhere for the rest of your life, with promises of maybe possibly holding your hand two weeks from now, for really real this time. And worry not about being "the bad guy". In terms of divorce proceedings, watch your back of course, but I guarantee no matter how things end, you WILL be painted as the villain anyway. Family and friends may never know that the marriage fell apart because she refused to touch you, because she became full of deceit and lies and cared nothing for your well-being. And that's okay, because YOU know the truth, and so does that girl who loves video games.
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Post by deadzone75 on Apr 3, 2024 11:18:06 GMT -5
Venomous
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Post by deadzone75 on Apr 3, 2024 11:13:40 GMT -5
Well, a quick update... He went to his psych appointment yesterday and we talked after I got done working. True to his word, he spoke with his therapist about our situation. She didn't have a lot of insight for him. Just listened to him and responded to the things he said. He apologized for what he has put me through and said it would not be fair for him to prevent me from having something that I have needed for so long and that he has denied me. He says the ball is in my court about how I want to proceed and he will live with what I decide I need to do. I'm still reeling a bit from this shift in my reality, sorting things out in my head, trying to figure things out. Last night I started doing some reading about ethical non-monogamy and polyamory. So much jargon and terminology. So many "rules". But I found what I think are some decent resources: -https://psyche.com/guides/how-to-explore-ethical-non-monogamy-with-care-and-kindness -https://www.drheathschechinger.com/resources (lots of books, podcasts, and other resources here) And I looked into related meetups in my area. This is just the beginning and I have some hope. I no longer need to conduct myself in the shadows. Today, we've checked in with each other. He's feeling shaken, and I suspect a little bit of fear. I'm feeling emotional and a little overwhelmed. We're okay. No, no, no...the ball is in HIS court, and he is choosing to do absolutely nothing with it but pass it back to you and then pretending to be "shaken" at what you might do next. He's wasting no time in setting himself up to be the victim. So shaken is he, that he isn't moved to make the slightest move? Not the slightest attempt to be intimate just to see what happens before he gives his spouse his blessing to have sex with someone else? And yet he's just so shaken. This alleged therapist, meanwhile, has to be one of the worst in existence if they really said nothing. They would I think, at the very least, recommend getting you both in the same room for counseling. "Gee, doc, my wife wants to have sex but I don't." "Cool story, bro, don't know what to tell ya." Talk about making zero effort. I hope you find the best FWB out there who gives you everything your husband refuses to even try and give you. And I hope you don't feel an ounce of guilt, despite how many times your husband talks about how he's "soldiering on" with this heavy weight.
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Post by deadzone75 on Mar 27, 2024 8:27:52 GMT -5
Dilophosaurus (my favorite dinosaur)
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Post by deadzone75 on Mar 20, 2024 6:41:58 GMT -5
Brother m76 it appears that you have more problems in your marriage then the sexlessness. You have gone all these years not knowing these revelations? Either you are oblivious which I do not believe or your wife is duplicitous. Why would she keep this information from you? She said "she's willing to do more knowing its important to" you, can you trust her words? What is her time frame? Without a time boundary the ultimate end point is never. I knew all these things, just not that her anti-anxiety medication was the same anti-depressant. What was new is how all these things could have played together to kill her sex drive. That being said, she's always known that I wanted more intimacy, this may just be more excuses. She has said that she will talk to the doctor about her medication. Although, when we talked later she told me she already knew the loss of libido was a side effect, she just didn't care. She's told me she's open to trying more but she's said that before.. I still have my personal deadline of next year when my son is done high-school. If I end up leaving I'll be certain I tried. I think you already know there is no way she is going to talk to her doctor about her medication. She already admitted she didn't care about her absent libido. And she is NOT open to trying new things, as evident by all her refusals of these "homework assignments" given by the therapist. She's open to new things, yet won't even hug you at night.
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Post by deadzone75 on Mar 16, 2024 1:09:13 GMT -5
Well... guess I pushed things too far. Sent my wife a text at work suggesting we could have a shower together. Thinking i was being flirty and maybe get her thinking about it. I expected a no or and eye roll but... Text I got back was "you're not repeating my boundaries and we'll talk when I get home". Oh no! Is she going to cut off sex? But, now that I've opened this door it might be the perfect time to talk about my not wanting to be celibate. Update: Had the talk. She used the words " I hear you". She said just just needs a little time to figure things out. Once again, a refuser hears but doesn't care. If she hasn't "heard you" by now, with your repeated expression of dissatisfaction, depression, and not to mention therapy sessions, she's trying really, really hard to not hear you. I mean, she doesn't even want to touch you at night unless she thinks you are unconscious, so there's no way she will ever flirt with you or think about it. I know I am being harsh, but she deserves it. Telling you...you, her husband, that you aren't respecting her boundaries when you text her a flirtation?? You might as well be a co-worker of hers. What a vile human being. The one positive is that it led to the talk, which hopefully gave you more confidence. And please do yourself a favor and look into your plan of escape. Her saying she needs time to "figure it out" means she needs time to figure out how to screw you over on the way out. Protect yourself.
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Post by deadzone75 on Mar 13, 2024 13:30:57 GMT -5
I wouldn't say BS to how you feel about your marriage. My marriage was great, too, sans the intimacy until it wasn't, until the resentment bled into every other facet. But I will call BS on what your husband is shoveling. Firstly, he doesn't feel bad about depriving you of sex for so long, otherwise he wouldn't have deprived you for so long. You say a reset is unlikely, so if he's hearing you, he just doesn't care. Oh yes...the 'ol "I'll bring it up with a therapist next time". So does he claim he developed this "psychological issue" immediately after he said his vows? What's he been talking about in those sessions if he hasn't even brought up intimacy yet? If you are happy where you are, then that's all that matters, but his "ongoing discussions" line is comedy. It's not a lunar landing; it's sex.
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