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Post by McRoomMate on Sept 5, 2017 16:07:22 GMT -5
"If you are doing good for others, you are doing great for yourself."
- Old saying I picked up in "The Rooms"
Well I can ring my own bell a little - I hung out with the drunkie who is always hanging out in the gas station I stop at.
He was drinking beer by the can and had his little dog as usual on a leash next to him.
I told him I can help him stop drinking and get his life back if he wants.
He asked for change - I light heartedly asked if it was for "Grandma at the house" and we both had a jovial laugh.
He seemed to want to get sober.
Another 85 Year old retired Captain is meanwhile home drinking himself into oblivion. His wife is hiding and emptying his bottles and marking them with chalk. Bless her heart. Any how an Old Timer and I will be paying the old Captain a visit in a few weeks in the morning before he is drunk.
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Post by McRoomMate on Sept 5, 2017 15:58:06 GMT -5
So I asked my motorcycle buddy (who is also a Psychiatrist) for a good recommendation on a therapist. The focus being Me and my Couple / Romance dilemmas.
I had never been to a psychotherapist. He really recommended a good one as far as I am concerned.
I had absolutely no idea what to expect.
All keep the discussion stuff to myself not to dilute the progress I made in 90 minutes (yeah I stayed an extra half hour).
Just mention that I went in feeling all torn in two pieces and obsessed about what to do or not do and I walked out of there with a better understanding, clear vision.
For analogy, I would say if my brain/heart were a pair of glasses, then when I walked in I had grease and stuff on the lenses and when I walked out I had clear lenses. Still going to the same place, still same me, and still the same people in my life, and the problems / dilemmas.
The difference is as the song says I can see clearly now.
Of course, 90 minutes with a psychotherapist is not a magic one shot cure. I made an appointment for next week too.
Life is going on and I may not even be close to resolution or even the storm may be approaching . . .
All the same, I FEEL better because I can SEE better if that makes any sense.
And yes and for sure, I will say it again. I am responsible and it is me making the decisions.
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Post by McRoomMate on Sept 5, 2017 4:46:33 GMT -5
Congratulations on your progress and very inspirational to read.
Now with respect to your daughter - do you not have some visitation rights? Only 5 minutes?
Even in extreme cases of horrible parents more visitation is allowed than this.
Is she already 18? Or still a minor?
Are you in the same country or able to visit her if you wanted to?
Surely custody / visitation for your daughter came up in Court or as part of the Divorce procedure?
The other ideas are hiring more expensive lawyers and fighting this etc.
Any how, terribly sorry to hear this - once I did not see my daughter for six months and I it was so tough. Courage!!!
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Post by McRoomMate on Sept 5, 2017 2:08:35 GMT -5
Maybe consider "SOLO" Counseling. That is what I am doing.
Another idea - I wonder if your H might be a NARCISSIST (self obsessed, zero empathy, loves compliments, etc.). You might check the symptoms out and see if he matches.
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Post by McRoomMate on Sept 4, 2017 23:30:44 GMT -5
Happy belated birthday! Im sorry that was so bad. I got a facebook post and some chocolate (when he knows Im training for a 10k) for my 40th. Enjoy your chocolates and fantastic you are training - I do 10ks half marathons and little triathlons to burn off my junk food eat anything diet. For what it is worth you get first place for "handle" that makes me laugh. "Sexless on the Beach". Love it. Classic. Perfect. Welcome!!!
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Post by McRoomMate on Sept 4, 2017 17:02:05 GMT -5
"The choice to stay, the choice to leave, the choice to cheat, are all valid choices....." Yes, your choice is valid. What I am saying is you need to own the choice you've made. Accept that the sex life you have with your wife is the best you can get with you. She isn't going to magically change personalities and become your passionate lover. accept that because you feel she is your only option except choosing to be permanently single, you are choosing to be in a sexless marriage with her. Not having sex iis to you a better option than being permanently alone. There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say, "I can," and those who say, "I can't." They are both right. That's why I believe your choice is valid for you. The only thing I disagree with is that you don't admit you have chosen this. You do have other options, but this sm is the option that you feel is best. You prefer your known relationship than risking cheating or divorce. You fear your wife is the only woman who would be interested in you. She is, you think, the best you can do. Thank you doctor for your diagnosis....where do I send the check....? You clearly miss that I am perfectly fine with being alone... I have always owned my decisions ..you are in NO position to judge my decisions. Period. Clearly this is becoming a site with only one direction and one decision allowed. Very sad to see.... I have no further need for your opinions Northstar. solitarysoul Hmm, I aint judging much but I do notice your handle "Solitary Soul" . Actually I am not judging but perplexed and I ask this to help me understand as learning from others experience does help me and I hope that is sort of how it works here. You are saying or going with "being alone" and staying married in current situation? Is it a sort of rising above the need for passion and intimacy? This sounds a bit ascetic and very disciplined. I am reminded of the Monk concept. I am not judging there are some Warrior Monks that are totally bad-ass and the Great Samaurai Musashi wrote his hallmark philosophy called "Walking Alone" (Dokkodo in Japanese) and he forbid many of lifes pleasures such as luxury living and fancy foods and "Romantic Love" in particular (not no sex just avoiding I think being in a passionate intimacy relationship) it would distract from the focus of mastering the Warrior Way (Heiho in Japanese). Anyhow . . . I am all ears to listen. Respect.
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Post by McRoomMate on Sept 4, 2017 16:50:55 GMT -5
I have to say this is about the best most inspiring article I have read on how to be a Divorce Parent and really STILL be there for your children. Looking back on my First Divorce - I did a lot of these things and at the end of the day spent more quality time with my daughter during her childhood being over 800 km / 500 miles away then when she came and lived with me after my ex-Wife went nuts. An inspiring read for the Divorce Parent not with their children every day. goodmenproject.com/featured-content/leave-wife-without-leaving-children-gmp/
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Post by McRoomMate on Sept 4, 2017 15:30:54 GMT -5
Last Valentines Day ... AFTER I had threatened divorce and about 2 weeks from our "Reset Sex" of passionate love making.
My W and I went out for Valentines Day Dinner.
We came home and lied in bed. She decided to put her Laptop on and watch Star Trek 2009. I laid next to her with my arm around her and she stroked it the same way she might have petted the cat.
I did not move to see if she would initiate. She did not. She fell asleep and then rewound the movie on her laptop over and over again.
I was out of the house within 2 months of that date.
I could have made the moves on her but I did not I decided to see if she would initiate. Nothing happened. It was a defining moment for me.
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Post by McRoomMate on Sept 4, 2017 10:35:08 GMT -5
Beautiful post. I am putting in my pocket. Here is my other favorite "Man in the Arena" by Theodor Roosevelt. free photo uploading sites
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Post by McRoomMate on Sept 4, 2017 4:07:02 GMT -5
As I understand, the hallmark defining characteristic of a psychopath or sociopath or the latest term "anti-social" behavior is a total lack of empathy. They simply cannot feel this emotion towards others.
I have yet to meet a confirmed case in my personal life - I think there were a few during my work career.
The thing with all these behaviorial disorders is everyone has at least "tendencies" in the identifiable cluster of behaviors.
In relationship land, bad cases for men tend to be Narcissists (75% + are men) and women tend to be "Borderline Personality Disorder" (about 75% + are women).
My personal favorite is "addictive personality disorder" I know that one all too well.
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Post by McRoomMate on Sept 3, 2017 16:13:07 GMT -5
I re-read this article. Very good article. In my marriage, there was no tension between my wife and I in terms of yelling or drama.
The "tension" was the lack of drama - lack of basically anything between their Mother and Father. My children would only do stuff with me as my W would stay at home and binge watch TV or sports games or video games. So it was I alone going to the park or zoo and things like that. We did activities as a family both parents and children probably once every 3 to 6 months.
The little ones from our couple took the Mother side big time. My daughter from a previous marriage (my first ex wife passed away) was actually rather happy about me moving out though she missses her little bro and sis.
Whether divorced or together - the last lines ring true oh let them be heard:
"Teach them to create their best selves. Demonstrate self-respect, independence, and healthy boundaries. Someday they may be thankful that you did."
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Post by McRoomMate on Sept 3, 2017 15:24:19 GMT -5
So I am hanging out with 2 guy friends this morning and talking about my relationship mess and mention about the "Sexless Marriage" and 2 of them immediately raise their hand to acknowledge they are both in Sexless Marriages. One of them just got married a couple years ago . .. and already sexless marriage.
The funny thing They had no problem with it and both accept as their fate. I think they might both be low libido guys.
Then I talk to my Psychiatrist friend - he says yeah probably good idea to go to therapy.
So ALL of YOU say "Sort your shit out" "get to know me" etc. I am here alone with me myself and I. I think a therapist would be a good start. I am getting one tomorrow.
The last friend I talk to says "holy cow dont make any decisions now - when you are in Hell the best thing to do is keep walking"
Thank-you All for the comments and "suggestions" !!!!
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Post by McRoomMate on Sept 3, 2017 1:46:26 GMT -5
Congratulations on your progress. Courage and Blessings!
My 3 cents added value - when choosing an apartment and budgeting in general - consider living BELOW your means a little bit or as much as possible.
Given all the hard work and energy ahead it is an added bonus if your monthly expenses do not cause any further stress.
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Post by McRoomMate on Sept 2, 2017 15:27:17 GMT -5
DryCreek Yes. Since your little one line comment I spent about 10 to 15 hours studying "Borderline Personality Disorder". Here is my favorite lecture to date so far: I think your little one line post might have saved me from disaster. Lord help us. Why the hell does that guy need 3-4 minutes at the beginning of the video telling people with personality disorders to fuck off and not comment? I mean, seriously? What he explains about BPD is pretty much bang on the button, I have no issues with that at all. But again, WHY is he always talking about 'her' and 'she'? Yes, as far as I now, more women than men suffer from it, but it's not like BPD was a one-gender affliction like haemophilia. Somehow I get the feeling the chap doesn't just have a chip on his shoulder, he carries a whole joinery shop around with him. I find him creepy. A feeling reinforced by his not giving his name, nor his credentials. Why ever not? Nevertheless, when he is on topic, he is on topic, and it's pretty much what I know and what I, and one friend of mine, have experienced. (my personal experience with a BPD woman lasted 3 months, 11 weeks of which consisted of me trying to get her out of my house). Yes, she wanted to move it at light speed. What ended up being a cycle was she would move in and then I would tell her to leave or I would leave because she was in one of her anger rages and would yell and throw things and I was nervous to turn my back on her. The relationship basically ended because I was not ready to have her move in again - she lives about 300 miles away now - and she gave me an ultimatum (my psychiatrist friend called it "emotional blackmail").
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Post by McRoomMate on Sept 2, 2017 5:23:47 GMT -5
McRoomMate , hopefully not the same gal who was going psycho... DryCreek Yes. Since your little one line comment I spent about 10 to 15 hours studying "Borderline Personality Disorder". Here is my favorite lecture to date so far: I think your little one line post might have saved me from disaster. Lord help us.
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