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Post by becca on Dec 31, 2016 10:06:21 GMT -5
Re: I don't need help, I got this. Yes. Yes, dear - you do. You've got this on your own. So just like therapists, specialists, & AA - you don't need me either. You will be OK. So - I'm just gonna go. 5 days w/o a drink is not a miracle unless you're an alcoholic. (I am. For me, at the end, a single day w/o alcohol was a miracle. I've strung together over a year now. I could not have done it - and been HAPPY about it - without my AA program. AA is not for people who need it. It's not even just for people who want it. It only works for people who want it badly enough that they work the full program.) You can't make his life happy. Go and make your own life a happy one! Thank you, GG. I have a very good friend who is 10 years sober and he still looks at it like it is day one and then the next day and the next. He has offered to talk to my H but only after he has, at least, admitted he has a problem which he has not. I asked my H if the 5 days had been hard, hoping to have an honest discussion and he said, "Nope. Not a problem at all. I feel great!" He doesn't need anyone apparently, and you are right, that includes me. You are so strong, GG and you have achieved so much in just a year. Thank you for your words.
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Post by becca on Dec 30, 2016 23:52:59 GMT -5
I went out to dinner this evening with my H. I moved out weeks earlier but he had this gift card that was given to both of us and so I agreed to go. Surprisingly it was a nice evening. We talked about the kids and his work and our extended families. He didn't drink and informed me that he hadn't had a drink in 5 days. That was a pleasant surprise. It felt comfortable and I started wondering if I was doing the right thing. It wasn't so bad at home was it? As doubt started to creep in, I replayed some of the evenings conversations.
-I told him about a presentation our teenage daughter had shared with me. I gave him the overall message and said I would send the link to him. His response was, "It's not necessary. You shared the highlights. I don't need to see it." This doesn't seem to be a big deal but the context is that he and his daughter haven't spoken in months. You would think he would want to see this video that had such an impact on her. Closed door.
-I asked him if he had made any resolutions for the New Year. His response was, "No, that's all a bunch of bogus crap anyway" and he didn't ask me if I had any. Closed door.
-When he told me he hadn't had a drink in 5 days, I did tell him how proud I was of him and encouraged him, again, to visit an AA meeting. His response was, "I got this and we are done with this conversation." Closed door.
And this is before we even address the sexless marriage part!
I feel like the dog that gets kicked by its owner and keeps coming back. I want 2017 to be different. I need 2017 to be different.
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Post by becca on Dec 30, 2016 9:50:03 GMT -5
Cue the Marvin Gaye music. LOL and amen! Who are these people who commit to having sex every day for a week to fix things up when the marriage gets stale? Sign me up for one of those marriages! I'm jealous. I know, right?! I thought the same thing! And girl, forget this "in case there is a next time" business. We deserve a next time with someone who ranks intimacy and sex as high as we do.
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Post by becca on Dec 30, 2016 9:23:10 GMT -5
This was a long article but a great one. I want to print it out so I can underline and highlight a few things. If nothing else, I can have it for the next time.
Cue the Marvin Gaye music.
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Post by becca on Dec 21, 2016 2:44:23 GMT -5
I'm awake. Painfully awake. Quarter to 3 in the morning and I am crying with Sarah McLaughlin, Time warping with Rocky Horror and freaking out that Christmas is days away.
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Post by becca on Dec 21, 2016 2:36:30 GMT -5
greatcoastal , to her surprise she may find out that by commingling clearly joint funds into her "sole-and-separate" account taints her account and makes everything in it very arguably joint funds. I've known someone who was on the receiving end of this slip up (by depositing one joint check into his separate account), and it's a huge reason you must never do this with business funds - it tears down the boundaries. I sure will learn a lot from this. All "life experiences" that I can use to help myself and others in the future. Looking toward the bright side! Yep! I know I am taking notes on this thread!
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Post by becca on Dec 21, 2016 2:21:48 GMT -5
BTW, re-reading my post, it sounds a bit dark and bitter. That's probably because this is the root of my SM and it's been eating at me for 20 years now. That has a way of changing you, and not in a good way. I've always had the feeling that unraveling some of this ball of string in my head would go a long way toward completing my journey on the path to acceptance (regardless of if/when I exit). This is just the first place I've ever found where people are talking about this so openly. These are questions I've always wanted to ask and never been able to. But, again, sorry about the tone. First- welcome. Second- No need for apologies here. Maybe it is a bit dark and bitter because you feel a bit dark and bitter. No hiding in the shadows and pretending here. We are talking about it openly. For me personally, it is very freeing to take the mask off in this space. If you have questions, there are many people here in your exact (or almost exact) shoes, so ask away! And I am with LEXUS46 on the laser surgery. Something doesn't add up there. I had laser surgery for some abnormal cells and I want to say they said not to have sex for 3-4 weeks. But none of that matters at this point. Even if penetration were completely out of the question, for medical reasons, there are other ways to be intimate. From reading some of your other posts, it sounds like you have put a lot of thought into your exit plan so in that respect, you are way ahead of most of us when we arrive here!
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Post by becca on Dec 20, 2016 23:42:34 GMT -5
Ahhh, this song @obofla is much more my mood this season than the sticky sweet Christmas songs playing on all the stations right now. And a skating Snoopy did make me smile.
One of my favorites-
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Post by becca on Dec 18, 2016 18:35:27 GMT -5
I feel for you greatcoastal . The stress sounds like it is at an all time high. I agree with Baza that it is a stressful time of year anyway for most people and with everything going on in your house, it has to be almost unbearable. The good news is this IS temporary. This chapter will be coming to an end shortly and your next chapter will begin. This time next year you will NOT have your STBX controlling every move. You will NOT have your FIL (9 years?!) intruding in your life. You will NOT have the unhealthy dynamic that is currently your world. Take peace in that and try to be the duck. Let this roll off your back. Focus on the children and the beauty of the season and remember, you are almost out. Forget anger and resentment. You should be walking around with a Cheshire grin on your face whistling zip-a-dee-do-da! Don't give her a reason this year to "shield the boys from their angry father" but instead have everyone wondering... Why is daddy so fricken happy?! That is an admirable goal! My daughter came in the room earlier wearing a beige shirt. She said "this is the closest Christmas looking thing I own." ( it's also going to be 85 degrees today) I told her, " I have not gotten you a gift yet, (still dealing with the finance questions) lets go to the store together today, and find you something" She likes that! My FIL invited me to the "family Christmas dinner" that is in the making. Part of me says: you have known these people for 26 yrs, you should go. You have seen them have children, grand children, great grandchildren, you should go. You have been to there brother and sisters funerals, you should go. You have been to there weddings, they were in yours, you should go. You have been to all of there houses, you should go. You get along with the men, they will speak with you, you should go. You will have less negativity cast upon you in the future, you should go. Your kids will speak to you while you are there, you should go. You will be showing that you are not the manipulative, can't be trusted with anything one, you should go. You may be able to share your side of things in private, and receive affirmation, you should go. The other side of me says: Wait for your STBX to invite you. She continues to detach herself, it won't happen. Just stay home and enjoy not having to be her trophy, sitting in the corner. Let the children see how mom does this crap without including him, and they feel like they were all dragged along to be shown off as well. The last thing I want is to be around her devious sister who helps fuel this whole detach, move money, he is less than helpful to you, concept! Why spend anytime with someone who is so detached. Christmas, Family and friends...it can all be so stressful. I just went to a Christmas party last night and H was there. Almost nobody at the party knew I had moved out. The evening was fine but by the end I was cracking around the edges and when he walked with me out to the car and I couldn't find my keys, I turned into a crazy woman throwing things out of my handbag looking for them. I was moody and short-tempered and I just wanted to be anywhere but there. What on earth?? It had been a pleasant evening and I spent time with friends I don't see that often but it also meant wearing the mask again and playing the game of "all is well in my world". I just can't do that any longer. Hopefully at your family Christmas dinner, everyone knows the situation and you will have the opportunity to receive some affirmation and enjoy your children and family. But if you opt not to go, I completely understand that too.
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Post by becca on Dec 15, 2016 5:41:47 GMT -5
I feel for you greatcoastal. The stress sounds like it is at an all time high. I agree with Baza that it is a stressful time of year anyway for most people and with everything going on in your house, it has to be almost unbearable. The good news is this IS temporary. This chapter will be coming to an end shortly and your next chapter will begin. This time next year you will NOT have your STBX controlling every move. You will NOT have your FIL (9 years?!) intruding in your life. You will NOT have the unhealthy dynamic that is currently your world. Take peace in that and try to be the duck. Let this roll off your back. Focus on the children and the beauty of the season and remember, you are almost out. Forget anger and resentment. You should be walking around with a Cheshire grin on your face whistling zip-a-dee-do-da! Don't give her a reason this year to "shield the boys from their angry father" but instead have everyone wondering... Why is daddy so fricken happy?!
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Post by becca on Dec 14, 2016 16:41:34 GMT -5
Yes. It. Is. nancyb "Frigidaire" is my "pet name" for my W. You may want to look up the definition for "pet name" wewbwb. And I 4th Andie.
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Post by becca on Dec 14, 2016 8:58:39 GMT -5
Thanks for sharing your story, solodriver . I see this public criticizing so much with friends and family and it seems almost common place for women to make their husbands out to be complete idiots. I need to be more like the couples that questioned it instead of laughing. Even those laughing are more than likely just feeling incredibly awkward and don't know what to say. Let's face it. Each and every one of us could do the same if it was our goal to systematically destroy our partner. We are ALL imperfect. My own parents were the exact opposite and always uplifting and encouraging to one another. When someone would tell my mother how lucky she was, her go to response was, "I know. I thank God every day for that man." I heard her say this again and again. He was awesome but if he could play instead of work, he would do it in a heartbeat and it would have been easy for her to say, "That lazy ass?!" The numbness is a coping mechanism but watch out when it fades, SD. You think she is noticing a change in you now? She ain't seen nothin' yet. Stay strong.
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Post by becca on Dec 13, 2016 20:34:48 GMT -5
Sounds nice LEXUS46! Looks like solid shooting, wewbwb. I am hanging at the house (my niece's house technically) and just enjoying the sounds. I just listened to my adult environmentalist daughter tell my 7 year old nephew that when he is her age all the rhinos and the elephants will be extinct. The little kid's mind was blown. She followed that somber news with, "good night and sweet dreams!"
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Post by becca on Dec 13, 2016 16:05:40 GMT -5
My STBX would always act loving and flirtatious when we were out in public. Women especially told me how lucky I was to be married to him. No one except me knew he was an iceman when it came to sexual intimacy with me at home. Oh and I am starting over in my early 50's too JD. Same here! Drove me crazy. When we were out he would slap me on the rear end, nibble on my ear, hold hands, play footsie under the table and make innuendo constantly. More than once someone asked if we were newlyweds. Like some insane person, I played my part for years. Of course we would get home and the most I would get was a kiss on the cheek. The emotional abuse of that situation is hard to put into words.
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Post by becca on Dec 12, 2016 14:31:05 GMT -5
The shag is really cute. I used to dance (pre marriage). It's a big deal at family weddings, of course, too. I thought I could live w/o dancing w/ my partner. I miss it. A friend in my 12-step group said he always wanted to take lessons. I would like - but always never had someone to go with. cagedtiger - I find the dancing, & reaction to it, an on-point analog for sex, vulnerability, intimacy. I can't believe (well, yes I can) that she mocks for it. That's her defense for feeling inadequate. I am sad today. The cute couple being so well tuned to each other made the sadness a little stronger actually. I know it will pass. I haven't been able to do any jogging lately- I'm missing the mood lift it gives. Finals for 3 days this week & then I'll have (make) time for a run. It will get better. But this morning I'm just sad for all of us who have much to give but we offered it to people who no longer want it, or maybe never really did want it. I hope everyone has an ok day. Just reading up on this thread. You should definitely look into couples dancing even if it is with a friend. It is so much fun and the beauty of dancing is you can dance with anyone. Of course it is more special if it is with that significant person in your life. I hope you are feeling better today. Sometimes it can all feel overwhelming and for those of us that are empathetic, we can hurt for everyone on here. Some days the posts just break my heart. Hopefully the start of a new week was enough to shake the blues but if not, you are absolutely right when you say it will pass. Thank you for all you have shared on here, by the way. On just about any thread, I look forward to seeing what you are going to say on the subject. You have so much to offer this community and I am glad you are here! Hugs.
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