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Post by becca on Sept 12, 2016 5:40:20 GMT -5
I have attempted to have the talk but H (an avoider) just leaves the room or I realize too late he has consumed too much alcohol and isn't going to remember anything. A letter may definitely be the best way for me. There is some great information in this thread. I guess my heart isn't fully in it either. I keep hoping he will change but I see from this forum that isn't very likely. Thank you.
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Post by becca on Sept 11, 2016 19:53:20 GMT -5
Wow...so much information in that letter. Your responses were spot on too Smartkat. I feel so sorry for her husband. There is an incredible amount of immaturity too. She thinks she is in love with a Fb friend she hasn't met at all? I am sure. It is a relationship of pure fantasy. Unlike the one she has with her very real husband who works very hard to provide for her and take care of her. Sounds like the only reason she hasn't ended it is because she counts on the paycheck.
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Post by becca on Sept 11, 2016 19:39:22 GMT -5
I don't know that I would be worried I would never meet someone, fall in love and marry again. Ok, a little... But I would be concerned I would end up right here again. I can honestly say, I never saw it coming at all. If you told me those first few years I would be here I would have laughed and said it wasn't possible.
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Post by becca on Sept 11, 2016 15:16:24 GMT -5
Speaking of passion for life, on a happier note. Last night after church I went out to eat alone, (for varies reasons) I sat down with a couple that I have met at church a few times. Before our conversation launched into a big rant about my marriage, we talked about dancing. I mentioned my year of training, favorite steps,being the young guy with a bunch of older ladies,etc...they asked if I have ever been dancing at the civic center? would me and my wife like to go? I tried to say politely, "I don't think my wife would do that' but I would! (that lead into the whole divorce discussion, turns out they have both been divorced before) they gladly want me to go along with them next time,with a group of friends,and will invite me. One and two, three and four, rock step! One ,two,three, cha cha, one two, three. Forward, side together, back, side together! That is awesome, great coastal! Go shake a leg!
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Post by becca on Sept 11, 2016 15:00:05 GMT -5
ballgirl- I have mentioned marriage counseling throughout the years too. It has always resulted in an immediate shut down of communication. I just don't think he cares about sex and honestly just expects me to always be around. Maybe it is ED but there are other ways to be intimate! I miss the intimacy. If it was a irreparable physical issue, we could get around that. I would settle for passionate kisses each night and then he could snuggle up and watch/help me release. And we could work on finding what areas were still sensitive for him. Sex is so much more than just penetration. It really all starts in the mind anyway. It is a sensual conversation.
You are right. I do need to set a deadline if I am ever going to have the chance to experience anything like that again.
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Post by becca on Sept 11, 2016 11:40:07 GMT -5
I don't care how old you are, a man that can dance is a hot commodity. I love dancing although I am not a great dancer. I dance at a Legion where the crowd tends to be a little older and there is a man there 25+ years my senior that can twirl me around the dance floor like a tornado. He is the hit of the place. If I could get a way with it without the other women there clawing my eyes out, I would dance with that man all night. If I passed him on a street I don't know that I would consider him sexy but on that dance floor...yep, he is.
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Post by becca on Sept 11, 2016 10:35:00 GMT -5
I think that I would write a letter or an email in which you inform of of the following, think of them as learning goals because he is acting like a child/student and you are the adult/ teacher: 1) The problems with the relationship 2) How it makes you feel 3) How it makes you feel when he walks out 4) Your solutions for the problem - He needs to do x,y and z or you will be A- outsourcing OR B- walking out for good. (Whether you mean it or not he needs a scare in him) C- Failure for him to discuss this and seek help will result in ladies choice. 5) Tell him to think long and hard about what's important to him. I understand he is probably embarrassed and ashamed if it's a medical condition but if he loves you and wants to have a full life with you then he needs to get over the shame and grow up. On the other hand he could be wacking off to porn and he's intimacy averse or just is not capable of being with a real live woman. There are so msny possibilities but the bottom line is celibacy is not normal or acceptable and nobody has the right to make that unilateral decision for someone else. Eventually you will have to make a decision based on what you want for the rest of your time on Earth. Find your happiness. Looks like I have my homework assignment. Great information! Thank you so much for this thought out response. It is interesting because the advice I would give someone else would be so different from what I am currently doing. I sometimes look in the mirror and think "who are you and what have you become??"
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Post by becca on Sept 11, 2016 10:02:03 GMT -5
l love that there is a music of the day thread! Wow, some great songs on here too. Loved the Alt stuff from eternaloptimism and the BeeGee-AC/DC mix up was off the chain. Here is my contribution that I found recently. I am not there just yet but so much truth in it and funny and sad at the same time.
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Post by becca on Sept 11, 2016 9:43:33 GMT -5
I just realized I have never lived with a man who wants sex. If I ever live with a man again, I have no idea if our sex drives are likely to align. What weird thoughts, first to think that I would ever live with anyone agajn, and then to consider maybe I would be the lower libido spouse, how odd that would be. Helen, I think it is too early to determine that you would be the lower libido spouse! When we are denied and denied over and over, something definitely shuts down inside of us but I have to believe that can be reignited in the right situation.
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Post by becca on Sept 11, 2016 8:33:00 GMT -5
Fixing things is about the one thing I'm really good at. Positive feedback would go a long way. Yes! A thank you goes a long way! For me it is cooking. I love to cook a meal and have someone enjoy it. My H will take a bite and immediately tell me it needs more salt, needed to cook less/more. Ask my why I did it a certain way. Some dishes, like Chicken Parm, I just don't cook at all anymore because it was never as good as his mother's. Just a little "job well done" goes a loooong way for me. I am all about those words of affirmation.
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Post by becca on Sept 11, 2016 8:29:34 GMT -5
Quoting your here "...and for the first time in my life seem to be unable to make a decision or take action..." It moves you from a *victim* position, in to a position of ownership, and that is a strong and solid base to work from, as opposed to just floating along with the status quo. All floating along with the status quo does is burn daylight. And your story reads like you've burned plenty of daylight already. It is NOT obligatory that you burn anymore of this precious commodity. It's a choice. And it's YOUR choice Sister angelonearth. Thank you for the valuable information in your post. I am in a similar situation as angelonearth and I needed to hear that today. The "status quo" is sucking the energy out of my soul.
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Post by becca on Sept 11, 2016 8:21:53 GMT -5
I would love more communication. If we could have an honest talk about what is going on and go from there. For all I know, it is a physical problem that is completely beyond his control. Ok. I can handle that. But the constant rejection with no communication drives me over the edge. When I approach him about it he will flat out say, "I'm done here." and leave the room. Or "here you go again" and leave the house.
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Post by becca on Sept 11, 2016 8:11:05 GMT -5
Just so I'm clear about this. This isn't about gender roles. I can fix anything. Yes I know it sounds cocky but honestly, in the 30 years of repair, both home and at work, I haven't found the thing I cant repair. If I don't know how already, I'll learn how. And I am proud of the fact I can. So I don't mind doing it. I actually enjoy it. I do mind not knowing I was supposed to fix it and then finding out she mad because I didn't fix it. I would be happy if my H just helped me fix stuff! Finances aren't great right now so we can't afford to pay someone and he is home A LOT now. The current list: broken gate, busted mailbox, some wood needs replacing on deck, back door is falling off hinges...the list goes on. I did find a Fix it book in the Goodwill and so I have been able to make some small repairs to toilets. I replaced a shower head. I put a new lock on our front door and replaced a cracked tile in the kitchen. I guess I am not the only one he is neglecting lately.
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Post by becca on Sept 11, 2016 7:46:16 GMT -5
AND -- where all of this is really going -- I fear I am on the cusp of making same mistake with MY kids! Dang it, it will be so "uncool" for me to try to convey some of this to my kids (ranging in age from 24 to 15), but -- by gum -- if I can help them avoid some of this pain, I really, really want to. I have been having the same thoughts and my upbringing definitely didn't prepare me for sex. At least not really enjoying it and so for awhile I wondered if it was ok that I enjoyed it so much. Or did this make me somehow morally debased. I got over that but then turned around and did the same thing to my own girls. I gave them the sex talk and explained how girls get pregnant, stressed abstinence and covered the names of all the body parts and the talk was done. This past weekend I decided to have a more detailed talk with my 19 year old. This was prompted when I found condoms in a bag she had brought home with her. I called it Sex Talk 2. She was obviously having sex but I wanted her to know it was okay to enjoy it. Practice safe sex (looks like she had that covered) but really enjoy it. I also told her so much of what we know about sex we get from the movies and media in general and it is incredibly off in the telling. They aren't going to show a scene where it takes a woman 15 minutes to orgasm. Much easier to make it a 2 minute love scene where both partners experience orgasm simultaneously. You also rarely see a scene where the woman is guiding the man. I guess every man is just naturally supposed to be a Casanova and know the exact spot. No pressure there! Yep, it was an interesting and uncomfortable talk.
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Post by becca on Sept 10, 2016 16:57:09 GMT -5
I am new to this forum...not a former EP (cool that so many of you came over together though). I have been married to H for 20+ years (I am 49 and he is 52)and sexless for 9ish. The youngest just moved out and now it is just us. Maybe time to face this issue head on instead of always skirting around it.
I really do not believe he is having an affair. I know alcohol has something to do with it but he will use any excuse. I almost wish he was having an affair but it is more like he is asexual now. And he makes me sound sex crazed and tells me how I just don't understand the pressures he is under. Although it has been awhile since that conversation because I grew tired of the rejection and so just don't try anymore. I just keep my sex crazed self on my side of the bed.
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