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Post by brian on Dec 27, 2016 6:57:59 GMT -5
Welcome to the place none of us ever wanted to be. Many of our stories read the same as yours... my spouse is wonderful, except no sex. When the desires of the two individuals in a couple are vastly different, things begin to erode. What starts out as "I just want to be intimate/have sex" turns into "I want to feel wanted." Those feelings eat at you as you begin to realize that your partner doesn't care as much about your needs as you thought they did. At that point in time, all of the "everything is great except..." isn't as great as you thought and your mind starts to fill with doubt.
My advice, try to nip it in the bud now. Get it out in the open and address it head-on. I wish I had done that 20 years ago. Things would be different now -- either an improved marital situation or the freedom to find someone who makes me feel the way I want to feel. For your sanity, you need him to determine why he doesn't want to have sex with you. There could be a million reasons, far too many to explore in a single post, and only he has to ability to know, even if he doesn't yet know. If everything is as great as you believe it is, having this sensitive, baring-of-souls conversation should be possible. You will have to be open and vulnerable as the answer could be things such as: -- he no longer finds you attractive -- he feels sex is utilitarian only, so now that you have all of the children you want/need, sex is no longer necessary -- he may be scared to have another child and doesn't want to risk an "accident" -- he may be having an affair (emotional/physical/etc.) -- he may be gay ... the list is nearly endless.
If he doesn't know, or tries to avoid the conversation, then counselling may be in order. He may refuse. Whichever way things go, the folks here know what you're going through and are here for you.
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Post by brian on Dec 26, 2016 18:00:45 GMT -5
When we visit relatives, my wife sleeps with our youngest (11). He still likes "cuddle time" every now and then. He gets way more of her attention than I have for years. I didn't buy myself a present this year... still too chicken to open up a sex toy in front of the kids. ) I tell my wife at least once a week that I am searching for a lover. It shouldn't be a surprise when I find someone.
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Post by brian on Dec 23, 2016 16:22:46 GMT -5
JonDoe , "That's funny. I just heard that same comment from a group of husbands in the other room." Suddenly not so funny? But yeah, you gotta pick your battles. May you win the important ones. OMG! That would have been fun to watch. Those women would have spend the rest of the evening trying to find out who said it. What fun!
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Post by brian on Dec 22, 2016 19:37:01 GMT -5
Right there with ya, itsjustus. In fact, I believe most here are in that boat -- being the only one that really tried... or seemed to have tried.
My wife likes to remind me that I need to blank, blank, or blank before she can feel any intimate thoughts for me, yet I keep thinking to myself that even though she can thoroughly piss me off at times, I still want to have intimate encounters with her. At least, that was until I came to the realization that she doesn't like sex, doesn't find sex pleasurable (in any way that she will admit), and certainly doesn't want to have sex with me. So, in an effort to protect my own emotional well being, I have relegated her in my mind and in my actions as my room mate. That's how I treat her now, and I'm not ashamed to talk about that to anyone any longer. If she doesn't like it, she has 20 years of examples of how to change it. I'm still waiting, but no longer hoping.
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Post by brian on Dec 22, 2016 19:28:56 GMT -5
What's this sex thing you're speaking of?
Since I have been married, - I have NEVER had birthday sex - I have never had holiday sex - I have never had anniversary sex
Hell, I can hardly remember having sex at all.
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Post by brian on Dec 22, 2016 19:25:33 GMT -5
I don't care about weight. It's all about ATTITUDE! If you love life and enjoy yourself, I want to be around you and will find you attractive. If you don't, then you're not going to be attractive to me. Physical looks is so far down my list that, unless I can hardly tell the difference between you and roadkill, I can and will find you attractive if you have the right attitude.
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Post by brian on Dec 21, 2016 20:08:56 GMT -5
There was once a time where I thought that an arrangement/understanding like beeman has (had?) with his wife for "regular" sex would be enough for me. I have recently come to the conclusion that, even if my wife would agree to it, even daily sex wouldn't solve the issue. I want sex, but I don't want sex with someone who doesn't want to have sex with me. At that point, I might as well pay for it. At least in that case I would get to do the things that I want to do, even if it's just a charade for cash. I don't want that. I want to be with someone that sees sex as something that is fun, pleasurable, and something that she WANTS to do with me. As best as I can tell, that's 3 strikes for my wife, so she's "out", so to speak. So now I have to think about why am I really staying. I don't fear change. I spend a lot of my time mentoring my staff to embrace change and adapt to it. A number of job changes has taught me that making major changes isn't as fearful as it sometimes appears. So that leaves me with the kids, and how they say they don't want a divorce, and the undesirable task of splitting the joint assets. Of those two, only the kids pull at my heart-strings. I need to help work them through this before I move forward, but it's hard.
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Post by brian on Dec 19, 2016 6:54:04 GMT -5
Ugh, I apologize gang. When I re-read my posts, they are so dripping with vitriol. Nobody needs that. I'm not a vulgar person. I'm just a guy at the very end of his rope.....and just ready to have this all behind me.....at least my announcement to her that it's over. The holidays are now just a last obstacle to freedom. Vitriol? I just hear frustration. Stay the course. I'm in awe of those who have the courage to end the marriage. I'm trying to get there. I will get there. Eventually.
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Post by brian on Dec 15, 2016 22:23:52 GMT -5
She was mad that I didn't tell her about the surgery. Again, why? It's not like she cares, right? She says she cares, and maybe she does care about things like that. She clearly does not care about my need for intimacy and/or sex. At this point, she's just my room mate, and I operate in that manner and tell her things that I would tell a room mate. I even talk about how I need to find a lover. Very open about all of this. There shouldn't be any surprises when this comes to an end.
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Post by brian on Dec 15, 2016 21:37:28 GMT -5
His obvious contentment and relaxed demeanor since I lost interest in having sex with him. . I sometimes wonder if my wife secretly is enjoying the fact that I rarely make any advances towards her. She can now freely walk around the bathroom naked after a shower and I don't even glance her way... not interested.
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Post by brian on Dec 15, 2016 21:35:53 GMT -5
What freaks, or has freaked, me out? -- That my refuser is PROUD of the fact that she has never had an orgasm. I'm sure it's a control thing, and she used to stop our love making before she "lost control"... should have left then. Now, I just don't see her as a sexual creature any longer, so I honestly don't care. Honorable mentions: -- She still makes sexual suggestions or outright offers when she is in a safe place (during business travel, for example) and she knows that there can't be any real delivery. She promised me a bathtub get together nearly weekly for almost 2 years, and she actually thought that I thought it might happen. -- The only time we seemed to ever have sex were 1) when we were actively trying to make a baby; and 2) when she was drunk (1 in 10 chance) back when I actually believed we were a married couple -- That she had the audacity to say, "Are we there yet?" after just a couple of minutes of sex during one of our "make a baby" phases. Looking back on all of it, sex was a tool to achieve a goal (marriage, kids). Once those were achieved, sex is no longer necessary. Funny thing is that, without sex, the marriage will end and she will be alone. By the gods, i believe your story is about as pathetic as mine. My sympathy to you. As i asked in another thread once before, who the fuck doesn't want to have orgasms? Someone that has never had one and can't imagine losing control during one... have to stay in control... can't lose it... ever! As for whose story is more pathetic, I don't think mine is any more pathetic than anyone else's. We're all in our own little piece of hell.
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Post by brian on Dec 15, 2016 21:29:23 GMT -5
Bringing this thread back to the top with an update... Things happened just as I thought they would. I had my surgery (it took 5 minutes), and afterwards texted my refuser, "Want to meet for lunch?" What followed was a long series of questions about why, where I was, what I was doing, etc. All of that is ok, since my work is nearly an hour away and asking her to join me for lunch has never happened unless she has an appointment near my office. Anyway, as expected, she was mad at me for the rest of the day. Still beats weeks of worrying and I consider this a successful navigation of the situation with my legal roomie. What was she mad about? Asking her to lunch? You skipping work? Or not telling her about the minor hand surgery? Her long list of questions about you asking if she wanted to meet for lunch initially made me suspicious of her actions. Does she work outside the home? Maybe she was afraid you'd come home and find her in bed with the mailman. lol. Well, in the past, when I would come home in the middle of the day, it was because I had been laid off. But... she works from home when she's not traveling. She was mad that I didn't tell her about the surgery.
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Post by brian on Dec 15, 2016 7:09:48 GMT -5
Besides the obvious ones of money, exit plan, and outsourcing, what is the biggest thing that you have purposely hidden from your refuser? For me, at least right now, it's that I have minor hand surgery scheduled in less than 2 weeks. This was scheduled nearly a month ago and the condition that sent me to the doctor started almost a month before that. My refuser knows nothing. I have no desire to tell her until I have to. I knew what would happen if I had told her immediately and I know what she'll say and think if she learns about it between now and the scheduled date... or after the surgery. I picked the lesser of the evils... to not say anything until I absolutely have to. It's a local anesthetic, so I won't need her to bring me home. I'll do this completely on my own. She'll be upset, but that's better than her coming up with all of the horrible things that MIGHT happen or the life-threatening conditions that I MIGHT have and worrying herself sick about it (and projecting all of that onto me). I like to take life as it comes. It's not that I don't plan for the future, but I don't dwell and worry about all of the bad things that might happen... ruins the ride. So... let's have it. What have you kept hidden? Bringing this thread back to the top with an update... Things happened just as I thought they would. I had my surgery (it took 5 minutes), and afterwards texted my refuser, "Want to meet for lunch?" What followed was a long series of questions about why, where I was, what I was doing, etc. All of that is ok, since my work is nearly an hour away and asking her to join me for lunch has never happened unless she has an appointment near my office. Anyway, as expected, she was mad at me for the rest of the day. Still beats weeks of worrying and I consider this a successful navigation of the situation with my legal roomie.
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Post by brian on Dec 15, 2016 6:46:40 GMT -5
Oh.. and lyn, I do find strength here. Despite my profile saying that I'm "New", I've been here (at least reading) since the beginning of this forum and was also on the old EP forum for several years prior. You all are my online support group, and I have found great value in everyone's insights.
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Post by brian on Dec 15, 2016 6:43:29 GMT -5
What freaks, or has freaked, me out? -- That my refuser is PROUD of the fact that she has never had an orgasm. I'm sure it's a control thing, and she used to stop our love making before she "lost control"... should have left then. Now, I just don't see her as a sexual creature any longer, so I honestly don't care. Honorable mentions: -- She still makes sexual suggestions or outright offers when she is in a safe place (during business travel, for example) and she knows that there can't be any real delivery. She promised me a bathtub get together nearly weekly for almost 2 years, and she actually thought that I thought it might happen. -- The only time we seemed to ever have sex were 1) when we were actively trying to make a baby; and 2) when she was drunk (1 in 10 chance) back when I actually believed we were a married couple -- That she had the audacity to say, "Are we there yet?" after just a couple of minutes of sex during one of our "make a baby" phases. Looking back on all of it, sex was a tool to achieve a goal (marriage, kids). Once those were achieved, sex is no longer necessary. Funny thing is that, without sex, the marriage will end and she will be alone. Picking my jaw up off the ground on this one brian . Have never heard this one before. Is it a religious thing? Maybe deep-rooted Catholic shame/guilt? Whatever the cause or reason, you sure as hell don't deserve to be on the other end of that literally and/or figuratively. I hope you find strength here - we hear you, we get you. lyn, I don't think it's a deep-rooted shame/guilt, but it's certainly possible. Quite honestly, it doesn't matter. The effect on me is the same. She thinks that nearly everything related to sex is "gross", and a large part of my problem is that there is little middle ground for us to occupy. I'm not allowed to touch her "girls" except when we're having sex. I'm not allowed to touch her other lady parts except when we are having sex. She won't ever touch my man parts under any circumstances beyond a fleeting brush with her hand. Oral anything, other than kissing, is strictly prohibited. So she gets mad when I try to go from kissing to sex, but I honestly don't see anything in between in her world. Oh, and she is always the one that, on the rare occasions we have sex, quickly gets dressed, rolls over, and doesn't want to cuddle afterwards. I always thought that was a strictly intimacy-averse male trait until my wife started doing that mere months after our marriage. Now I feel like I have co-opted this thread with my story. Definitely not my intention.
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