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Post by brian on Jul 16, 2017 15:04:29 GMT -5
I did it. I did it for me. It wasn't for her. It wasn't for my family. I went to the doctor and got snipped. I wasn't even going to tell her, but it slipped out in conversation a couple of weeks ago as we were doing some planning.
She marked it on her calendar and said that she would help me in any way she could (more on that later). Less than a week later she was asked to go on a work trip. Yep... right when my surgery was scheduled. But that's okay, because I did it for me.
She came back earlier today. She thanked me for having the surgery. But I didn't do it for her. I did it for me.
If I had done it for her, I would have done it years ago. But this wasn't about her. It was for me.
I was finally ready. It was for me. It was so if I were to engage in outsourcing, I wouldn't have to think about it. If I were to leave and find another, I wouldn't accidentally have another family to take care of. I did it for me. For my sanity. For my freedom.
The doctor told me what I needed to do post surgery. No sex for a week! Okay, wife is certainly willing to help with that.
After a week, empty the gun 20 times. Mentioned that to wife just to see her reaction (it was for me) and got that "deer in headlights" look. That was fun, but again, it was for me.
There was a time, long since past, where it would have been for us, but that's been squandered, replaced with the notion that she doesn't care enough about me to love me the way I want to be loved.
So I do it for me.
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Post by brian on Jun 16, 2017 22:05:58 GMT -5
Define "sex". If it's ANY PIV, then it's only been 2 months for me, although it was over a year prior to that, and then over a year before that. However, I haven't had an orgasm stimulated from anyone other than myself in over 12 years
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Post by brian on May 6, 2017 16:27:35 GMT -5
Scheduled for July 14th... calendar marked. I don't expect any change in my house mate though.
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Post by brian on Apr 26, 2017 6:09:33 GMT -5
Brother baz,
I would do 2 things, first, your (a)... try to discover if the money is coming from her sister's account. This should be relatively easy... it's either coming from the marital accounts or her sister's account. Eliminate one and you have your answer. I would probably also add an option (c) confront spouse, because gambling can ruin a marriage, put the innocent spouse into financial jeopardy, and cause a huge rift in extended family relationships. The conversation comes from love and concern, and is not an inquisition.
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Post by brian on Mar 12, 2017 21:03:15 GMT -5
Spot on. I caught myself a few months ago going down the "woe is me" path before I realized where I was heading. I'm now back on a much better path and have learned a whole lot about myself. I can't say that my wife has any more desire to have sex with me, but it doesn't really matter at this point. My happiness is mine to find, and I will find it with or without her. The "taking care of my body" is going to take a lot more work, but I know I can get back to where I want to be.
So thank you for your post, most inspiring.
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Post by brian on Mar 12, 2017 20:56:18 GMT -5
Sry for being a bit off topic, but I LOVE looking at castles... I'm an American and I don't dislike things that aren't American. Anyway, different people like different things. I really enjoy the history of technology in warfare, so I like to tour castles and contemplate how it would be defended, how it would be attacked, and how it would be resupplied given the technology of the period. Never been to England's castles, but I thoroughly enjoyed my time in some of Italy's and Switzerland's castles. I spent an entire day in the 3 castles in Bellinzona, Switzerland walking the walls and grounds.
Back on topic... Mr. Grumpy sounds about right for your spouse. Life is too short to criticize others for their likes and dislikes. Worry about your own happiness. Maybe he's just jealous that he sees other people enjoying life.
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Post by brian on Mar 8, 2017 6:58:25 GMT -5
During one of our recent conversations the W asked, When do you think we will stop having sex? The W actually thought there was an age where you stopped having sex. It took me a few minutes to fully comprehend the question. It was a shock to think there is an age that sex stops. Me: Whenever I start having sex with someone else. -OR- Whenever you find someone else for me to have sex with. -OR- When we start divorce proceedings. -OR- Whenever I stop loving you. - OR the darker side of me- Whenever you are so repugnant to me that I cannot stand to be in the same room as you.
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Post by brian on Mar 4, 2017 23:19:39 GMT -5
Very touching beeman, and in many ways, quite liberating. I too used to see myself as a victim of my refuser, but that was really just a minor part of it for me. I mostly saw myself as a victim of my own choices. Choices made with my eyes wide open, staring at the facts, and STILL making the choices I made. That's not my refuer's fault. That's my fault. I own that... completely. But even knowing that hasn't helped me move forward with what I believe is the best path forward for me. My parents routinely tell me stories about various divorced friends of theirs and the complications of seeing their children and that they regret their decision all those years ago. And my parents don't know the status of my marriage. They don't know that, emotionally, I am more than ready to pull the plug. Then there's the social stigma, and the financial untangling, and the list goes on. So the only thing that I have really done to date is to start to actively look for an AP. But where I probably differ from many here is that I am quite open with my refuser about it. She knows I am looking. I'm guessing that she doesn't believe that I will ever find somebody. Anyway, I'm rambling.
I own my decisions. I don't really see myself as a victim, just someone who desperately wants to save my marriage. My anger stems almost entirely from the lack of effort that I PERCEIVE from my spouse. I have already started living my life as I wish, and my refuser can either join in, watch from a distance, or completely step away. That choice is hers to make. I have made mine.
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Post by brian on Feb 10, 2017 7:04:04 GMT -5
Interesting... my score: Cool
"Based upon your responses to this passionate love quiz, your relationship is characterized by tepid, infrequent passion. People in this category may be in an unhappy, unfulfilling relationship, or are more senior and have less intense, passionate urges or needs."
Yep, that sums it up...I want to be with my partner, but at this point I just don't care that much.
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Post by brian on Jan 29, 2017 7:19:51 GMT -5
My refuser will be leaving on a business trip on Valentine's Day to a conferene. I really need to find out who scheduled that and thank him/her. Now, I realize that it's POSSIBLE that there isn't actually a conference, and that she is going to meet someone else... well, a guy can dream.
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Post by brian on Jan 12, 2017 7:58:25 GMT -5
These "challenges" being referred to in this thread seem to be a great idea to me. "If" the refusive spouse won't take up the challenge - Or will only engage in the challenge in a half arsed manner - And then refuses to participate in the challenge any further - - - - then, you have discovered what you need to know. You are in an ILIASM shithole. There is "THE" pivotal question concerning your deals future, answered. Of course then, the questions and your choices just get harder. However, for many of us here, we already know the outcome before even offering such a challenge.
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Post by brian on Jan 4, 2017 22:55:14 GMT -5
You have to think about things from their perspective... sex is a tool used to get what you want. They would use lots of sex to get you to commit to a marriage. They would use sex to have children. They use the allure of sex to get you to do things for them... usually without actually delivering. Aside from those specific times, they really don't want to have sex, so once they have the marriage, and have the kids, sex has no tangible value to them and should therefore be removed from their lives.
What they cannot seem to fathom though, is that they are destroying the marriage this way, but are too selfish to see refusal as a cause for so many things.
All this reminds me of something I heard years ago... probably fictional and most likely part of a joke, but it's relevant here:
A couple was celebrating their 75th wedding anniversary and was asked what their secret was for such a long-lasting relationship. The woman answered, "It's easy! In order to keep your man happy and faithful, you need to keep his belly full and his balls empty."
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Post by brian on Jan 2, 2017 17:38:03 GMT -5
First thing's first... YOU DID *NOT* DO ANYTHING WRONG. Do not place the blame for your spouse not wanting to be intimate onto yourself. He said that he's happy, YOU have made him happy... you have done him RIGHT. Unfortunately, he doesn't feel, or doesn't recognize, that you require intimacy. Your marriage "batteries" are charged through intimate encounters. I'm certain that's not the only way, but it's really the one big difference between being friends and being in a relationship... at least to me. Lay it out there. Let him know. You REQUIRE regular fucks to maintain your emotional bond with him (be that blunt, really, most guys have to be hit with things between the eyes before they "get it"), and without that emotional bond, your feelings for him slowly degrade. Things that wouldn't normally bother you at all become a bother. You become more distant, and the relationship slowly dies on the vine. 23 years of this degradation of your feelings has you currently in a state of crisis and you need his help, on a regular basis, to fix it. Lay it out there. Let him decide if the marriage is worth saving to him.
Of course, as many posters here can attest, if the sex is loveless and he is doing it just to keep you quiet/satisfied/whatever, then it won't be satisfying for very long and you'll be right back at the starting point. You want to be wanted. You NEED to feel loved and be cherished, physically, by your husband.
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Post by brian on Dec 28, 2016 5:34:09 GMT -5
Yes, for some women desire follows arousal, meaning they need to be physically aroused before they feel desire. I believe this to be the case for my wife, but she thinks it should always be like the romance novels, sweep her off her feet. but... allowing arousal means giving up some control of her body. My refuser would NEVER do that! I think back to some of our reset sex encounters, and after the majority of them she would say, "that was more than I had intended." Gee, thanks! Can't you just enjoy the moment? She would then quickly dress and not want to be touched. NOTHING says "I don't cherish you" more clearly than the refusal to cuddle/touch/hold each other after sex.
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Post by brian on Dec 28, 2016 5:17:02 GMT -5
When we visit relatives, my wife sleeps with our youngest (11). He still likes "cuddle time" every now and then. Anyone else think that's just not right? I do! But I've been overridden for so long that I just don't bother anymore. At least it's an improvement from where it used to be. He would sleep in "our" bed most every weekend until he was 10. I slept elsewhere every weekend as I refused to share the bed with my wife, my son, and my dog. When I used to try, I would always get woken up in the middle of the night being pushed to the edge, so I chose for a good night's rest on the couch instead.
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