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Post by cagedtiger on Jun 16, 2016 10:18:40 GMT -5
That didn't work too well before I quit trying about 7-8 months ago: forward attempts on my part to initiate physical contact were met by her pushing away from me, saying I was being too aggressive and she didn't like it, and she'd be more distant for longer afterwards. Oh, and a lot of her saying I was "weird" for being so physically "needy" (her words).
It's been a similar reaction when I tell her we're going to talk about this, except with tears, the same accusations that I'm not being happy enough with the improvements she has made, and that I'm not being patient enough with her.
Probably 7-8 months ago, she asked me if I wanted to set a deadline, and if things didn't improve by then, we'd look at annulment or divorce. I probably should have said yes to that.
Hindsight, and all that.
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Post by cagedtiger on Jun 16, 2016 9:21:28 GMT -5
Okay, forgive me, I gotta ask ... Who/What initiated this marriage? That would be mostly me. A bit of background for context: I remember fairly early on in our dating relationship (~4 months) realizing, "I'm either going to marry this girl, or completely break her heart." A good bit of the marriage came about with that theme in mind- and a bit of lingering guilt in my part of the last time I'd unintentionally broken a girl's heart. When we started dating, she was this daring, outgoing, energetic, affectionate badass. That slowly started to fade, bit by bit, as she sank into the depression. There's an old lie in the military: "it'll get better after ____." Of course, the rub is that something else, usually worse, always comes along right after _____, and then your chain of command tells you it'll get better after... I'm sure you get the picture. Anyway, I fell hard into that trap: "it'll get better after we get married, and she won't feel guilty any more about us living together and unmarried, and I'll get the daring badass back!" Well, a year later, and here we are...
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Post by cagedtiger on Jun 15, 2016 21:36:44 GMT -5
Do you have a link to the post? I can't find him in the users when I searched.
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Post by cagedtiger on Jun 15, 2016 19:40:41 GMT -5
Got home from work a couple of hours ago. Talked to my wife for maybe five minutes before she gave me "that look." "You're bothering me." She declared in a weary voice before trekking off to lay on the couch. I'm working from home this evening, and she sent me this pic. I think it kind of sums up what seems to be her view on marriage: I just know that's what my expectation has been. I just wanted to say thank you for all the thoughtful, brutally honest replies and insights all day today. Y'all definitely come in gloves off, and I really, really appreciate that. I'm looking online at therapists to contact tomorrow morning as I write this, and I'll definitely keep y'all posted on how things keep going. Thank you. I already feel a good bit better, knowing I have people who understand where I'm coming from.
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Post by cagedtiger on Jun 15, 2016 15:05:01 GMT -5
Nice.... but I still like my Crown....smooth and warm.... hmmmm...i like some other things that are smooth and warm too.... You're welcome to it. Crown and I fought on my 21st birthday; Crown won, and I'm still carrying the grudge. Or rather, my stomach is.
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Post by cagedtiger on Jun 15, 2016 14:16:20 GMT -5
Double neat is a better way to enjoy Jamison's. Then again, I like my Irish whiskey like I like Irish women: tall, strong, and uncomplicated. I had to look up "Neat". You're welcome. #TheMoreYouKnow
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Post by cagedtiger on Jun 15, 2016 13:54:18 GMT -5
I heard that until you're had a glass of Jameson over ice and well cared for Cohiba, you're missing the 2nd and 3rd best things in life. Double neat is a better way to enjoy Jamison's. Then again, I like my Irish whiskey like I like Irish women: tall, strong, and uncomplicated.
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Post by cagedtiger on Jun 15, 2016 12:08:08 GMT -5
Our honeymoon was in Iceland in May. I think the part about it never going fully dark messed with her. We had sex the first night, and that was it. Did a lot of walking around Reykjavik, rented a car to drive around the countryside a bit, but didn't do nearly the number of things I was interested in doing.
One of my best friends was also there on his honeymoon at the same time, and it's a good thing I wasn't checking my phone while we were there; he and his wife were doing all the things that my wife and I had talked about doing, that she'd found herself unable to go out and do. But then, that's pretty much their marriage in general.
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Post by cagedtiger on Jun 15, 2016 11:02:13 GMT -5
@creelunion: there will be no kids, at least not with the current conditions. Aside from the obvious fact that I'm here because we're not even practicing, most of the time she can't deal with our two dogs and cat unless they're quietly lying on the bed or floor. I'm the one who takes the dogs out, walk them twice a day, play with them and the cat, change the litter, etc. That's absolutely unacceptable, and I know it would be much, much worse with a baby. I think deep down she knows that too.
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Post by cagedtiger on Jun 15, 2016 10:53:50 GMT -5
Have you ever asked her: "Why when you initiate sex, you get it every time?" "When I initiate I get shut down?" Does she think this is fair? If you have discussed this what is her response. You are early enough in the marriage and this is so important, sex is important. Lay your cards on the table and let her know what you expect otherwise you can just be friends. I was in a 23 year marriage that I got shut down everytime. Meanwhile he never got refused. First ten years sexual frequency was about once a month. After that once a year. I was a fool. Don't make my mistake and waste decades of your life. We've had that conversation several times. The most recently was on our way back from an anniversary trip to the mountains, where we slept in separate beds in the hotel room the whole time. Her usual reason is that she has to feel close to be intimate, whereas she feels I'm wired in the opposite way (sort of, but I chose this screen name for very specific reasons. More on that in the sexually speaking forum later). She's also put on a good bit of weight since we started dating and isn't the least bit comfortable seeing herself even partially unclothed, much less me. And despite my completely sincere assurances that I'm still physically attracted to her and desire her, I believe she still feels very unattractive. She also tells me fairly regularly that my "energy" annoys her and makes her nervous and anxious, so unless we're sitting still on the couch or in bed, she can't be around me for very long.
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Post by cagedtiger on Jun 15, 2016 10:45:40 GMT -5
obobfla, your story speaks very, very personally to me- thank you. We've been stuck at the same point in remodeling our house for several months now, what I haven't done has barely gotten done for a long time, and everything else is a nasty mess - the nightstand on her side of the bed is a sticky pile of empty Dr. Pepper cabs, Sprite bottles, and fast food containers. But she'll accuse me of being passive aggressive when I go to clean that all up when she's either not at home or just lying in bed watching TV.
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Post by cagedtiger on Jun 15, 2016 10:36:07 GMT -5
I have to ask: why did you get married when you were already at the point of wanting to go to counseling before the wedding? Rhetorically, do we ALL marry our mothers??? Just kidding, kind of. My ex was depressed and refused to deal with the causes of his depression, though he did go to therapy for 5 years during our marriage. It didn't help. I don't know what he was talking to the therapist about, what he had for lunch that day? My new husband's ex wife was not only clinically depressed to the point of having a nervous breakdown and being unable to work, she probably also had some combination of a mental illness like bi-polar and/or a personality disorder. After a couple years of taking care of her, including lots of different meds, he spoke with her therapist about a timeline for her recovery. In essence, the therapist (this was in France where they don't indulge in phony positivity) said that she never would. You probably already know this prognosis from your family. And you already know that you can't cure another person, or make them happy, or fill their voids, or force them to get help, though of course you can support them in the process if they do try to get better. Ultimately her mental health is her responsibility. You can only focus on how it affects you and whether you want to be along for this ride. Im very sorry for your situation. But be proud of yourself that you are recognizing the problem after 6 months and not 20 years like some of us. Things had been getting better, relatively speaking, for a little while during the run-up to the wedding. I honestly thought the worst was behind us, and that the towards trend would continue. Also, family, society, and community expectations; terrible excuses, I know, but very hard to cleanly escape from. We're both very active and highly placed with an organization we volunteer with together, and are similarly heavily involved within our Church as well- we're looking for a new minister, and I'm a deacon and she's on the search committee. It's not a matter of what others around would think of me, it's a matter of not putting innocent bystanders into bad places as collateral damage. While my mind has started drifting into the territory of exit strategies at the loneliest times, I'm willing to give this one more year of compete and total effort before I pull the ejection handle.
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Post by cagedtiger on Jun 15, 2016 9:01:15 GMT -5
Thank, jmx! Just did so a little while ago.
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Post by cagedtiger on Jun 15, 2016 8:19:40 GMT -5
New poster here, and I've just started dealing with this in the last month or so.
I'm 34 years old, I've been married for 13 months, and I'm coming up on 6 months since we last had sex. In fact, in our first year of marriage, we had sex a whopping total of seven times. These were all initiated by her, as any time I've tried to initiate any kind of physical contact in the last two years or so, I've been completely shut down. At this point, I've given up trying and have resigned myself to waiting for her either get drunk or something else to make her interested. I know this is really not that bad compared to the situations of some others I've read here, but for me, it's been just short of devastating.
My wife, who's the same age as me, has been dealing with pretty severe depression and anxiety for most of the last three years- panic attacks, migraines, almost constant lack of energy, sensitivity to noise and light, lots of days just spent in bed- the whole nine yards. Needless to say, it's been a rough last couple of years for the both of us.
About a year and a half ago, after a good bit of gentle encouragement on my part, she started seeing a counselor and got on an anti-anxiety medication. While this definitely helped with the biggest peaks and valleys, it hasn't "cured" her.
About six months ago, she decided she was "better," and stopped seeing the counselor, but has stayed on the mediation. When I gently suggested that maybe it wouldn't hurt to keep going, she accused me of expecting too much, too soon, and of not recognizing and appreciating the progress that she's made. I grew up with a mother who spent years in a hospital bring treated for severe depression, then spent a couple of years fighting it myself, so I know the signs and symptoms well, and they it's not something that just goes away overnight.
She knows and acknowledges that there's a serious problem here, but hasn't really shown any interest in getting help for the situation. I've asked about trying counseling since before we were even married, and she always declined, saying that she didn't see how it would change anything from how it has been. I'm currently in the process of finding myself a counselor to begin with, then trying one last time to see if she'd be willing to try counseling together.
I'm outgoing, adventurous, spontaneous, very physically affectionate, and I've always had an incredibly high sex drive. Having a partner who's pretty much the polar opposite of that often makes me feel like I'm slowly dying inside.
Has anybody else dealt with this sort of situation? Did it get better, and if so, what made the difference? If not, when did you know it was time to leave?
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Post by cagedtiger on Jun 15, 2016 7:30:54 GMT -5
Hi everybody! I'm cagedtiger, and just found this site late last night when I started looking online for people to talk with about my fairly new (13 months), yet quite sexless marriage.
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