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Post by cagedtiger on Jul 18, 2016 10:19:14 GMT -5
That is my wife's theory too! Don't ever get too involved or too hopeful about anything because then it won't hurt so much to lose it. The fact that it makes the loss so much more likely, and stops you enjoying the life you do have, is apparently irrelevant. That means SHE has some problems. SHE needs therapy. It's not your job to fix her. You were not born on this earth, in this lifetime, to use up all the years of your life trying to fix her. Now, maybe you two crossed paths for a reason. Maybe you were meant to be a wake-up call to her. (And maybe vice versa, too.) But ultimately, any big changes to her worldview, attitude and beliefs have to be done internally, by her. I've found my thoughts have wandered a lot to the question of whether or not we should have gotten married when we did; I agree that the universe brought our paths in contact for a reason, but maybe it was just supposed to be as a wake-up call, years ago when things started to first get bad for her. More things to talk about with my therapist, I guess.
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Post by cagedtiger on Jul 18, 2016 10:15:07 GMT -5
I'm also struggling with this, because I'm fairly certain at some point in the last few months my view of my wife has shifted from that of partner and spouse, to the roommate I'm taking care of. While I'm staying at a friend's house for the next few days, I'm kinda dreading going back home at the end of the week, in case she tries to initiate- I don't think I'd be able to go along with it.
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Post by cagedtiger on Jul 18, 2016 9:27:28 GMT -5
Gotta disagree with you there. Women want sex just as much as men, and most aren't afraid to admit it. Just don't be creepy or gross or a total dick, and being direct will tend to work a lot better than you may think. See also: Tinder. Still stick with my statement...for me. Gotten so many "ewww gross" looks from women.... tinder..ha!!! Tried it for 3 months....Zero matches!...just don't have your (or any) charm.... Ladies with this card...and a smile will get much farther... Aww man. When I finish getting my ish figured out, I'm gonna have to start a virtual wingman thread...
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Post by cagedtiger on Jul 18, 2016 9:02:07 GMT -5
Works for women..... not so for men.... Gotta disagree with you there. Women want sex just as much as men, and most aren't afraid to admit it. Just don't be creepy or gross or a total dick, and being direct will tend to work a lot better than you may think. See also: Tinder.
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Post by cagedtiger on Jul 17, 2016 21:55:12 GMT -5
By "work", what do you mean - exactly - Sister ggold ? - Will it "work" in the manner of you getting a root ? Quite likely, it will if you get enough cards out in to the right demographic. - - Within the membership here there will almost certainly be some marketing guru's that might be useful in helping you target your market. For example, it would be pointless handing these cards out at the local gay bar, or at a K D Lang concert. Maybe a venue like a Monster Truck exhibition could provide rich pickings, whereas a Dungeons and Dragons convention probably wouldn't. The strike rate at a Techno Rave Party might be good, but focusing on the crowd at a Star Trek gathering, not so much. - You get the idea. - Hell, when you go to the print shop to get your cards produced, you could ask the bloke behind the counter if he'd like a fuck. This direct verbal approach would provide another string to the marketing bow. - But the more I think about it, the more certain I become that your marketing exercise is going to be a winner. A BIG winner. Heh, I'm not so sure that the handing them out at gay bars thing not working. Quite the opposite, actually.
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Post by cagedtiger on Jul 17, 2016 21:31:09 GMT -5
So sad because sex and intimacy if there's attraction is the easy part. At least it should be. You know? This is maybe the one time I disagree with you. I think it's highly plausible that Mrs. Tiger is scared of intimacy (which is how this reads). She also *may* have a legitimate fear of abandonment. Some people's language cannot include sex and intimacy if everyone important to them leaves them. The fact that she actually said it out loud is pretty interesting and maybe worth (at least) exploring. If she cannot get out of the cave, for his own sake, he should leave her there, but maybe worth a shot (and no, I am not as drunk as Baz but working on it). What you say is actually very healthy. All people should work towards intimacy, some just don't have the tools and it may not be their strong suit. Could an extreme introvert (think hermit) learn to meet people? I sure hope so! Their life would probably be better in the long run - but unless they recognize it as an issue and do something about it, there's no helping them. We're she a hermit, she just reached for a life preserver by admitting it was a problem. I think you're on to something with that fear of intimacy- after all, she was single and celibate for 7 years before we started dating, and her family is very arms length when it comes to talking about touchy feely things, and I know my big, loud, physically affectionate family makes her at the very least uncomfortable.
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Post by cagedtiger on Jul 17, 2016 15:26:47 GMT -5
If she hasn't previously been willing to address the root causes of her issues, and you don't think she has now, why would she in the future?
And believe me when I say there are others out there who are all the things you already want, without needing "fixing." You owe it to yourself to seek that out instead.
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Post by cagedtiger on Jul 17, 2016 14:03:46 GMT -5
She also reminded me, "I told you, so many times, that your deserved better than me," which I hated her saying, and I thought was just her being down on herself.
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Post by cagedtiger on Jul 17, 2016 13:55:28 GMT -5
Was she brought up on the "treat em mean keep em keen" diet then? I wonder who fed that idea into her head. It's the stupidest bullshit theory there ever was. Apart from all the other bullshit theories some pea brained humans subscribe to! Hope you are having fun otherwise Tiger! X Wait, no, I think I misunderstood. It's not to keep you keen it's to protect herself for when she finally drives you away. That's shit. It sounds like you have no chance. Unless she is prepared to have her thought process changed. If she became more loving would you want to stay? X I honestly don't know. I told her flat out that I haven't seen the woman I fell in love with in a long, long time. She agreed that she's not particularly fond of herself right now either. We're both actively seeing if our therapists (she talked about starting to see hers again) have any suggestions for somebody we can see together this week. Follow up talk definitely needed, as well as a longer term plan of action.
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Post by cagedtiger on Jul 17, 2016 0:10:12 GMT -5
So, I'm currently writing this from the house of one of my best friends since high school, and mostly drunk.
I was planning on having this discussion on Sunday, but my wife cornered me this afternoon, and even though she was feeling sick, we had the talk.
So I found out the reason she hasn't been interested in being intimate:
"I've always been afraid of losing you, so if I kept you at arms length, it would make it easier to deal with."
So there's that. But I'm going to get back to drinking. More to come later.
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Post by cagedtiger on Jul 14, 2016 20:33:12 GMT -5
One of our last vacations included The Talk. Fun fun. He is one of the few people I know who gets more anxious than relaxed on vacation. Same with our last vacation ( our anniversary trip, oh, irony), except that we didn't actually end up really having "the talk."
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Post by cagedtiger on Jul 14, 2016 18:55:35 GMT -5
I finally told my best friend (since high school) about my SM. I've complained to her before about the lack of sex, but I've never actually told her how bad it is. Today, I told her that, in addition to not having sex more than once every couple months, he's got a perfectly robust solo sex life. That he actually leaves me in bed (naked, no less) to go jerk off in the bath, and he hasn't gotten off during sex with me in longer than I can remember. It was both relieving and depressing to admit that to her. It's good that you feel safe enough to open up about a friend about that. It'll make a world of difference- it has for me the last 3 weeks.
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Post by cagedtiger on Jul 14, 2016 15:47:20 GMT -5
I think I'm done with Step 5, and my survivor mindset is kicking in as I set both feet fully into step 6. The last few weeks have been about confirming in my heart what my head had already known weeks ago.
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Post by cagedtiger on Jul 14, 2016 15:15:21 GMT -5
Thank you again, everybody.
Just got back from my first appointment with my new therapist...
...and in amazing twist of fate that everybody here saw coming, he told me, add I've also come to suspect, that our serious, serious structural issues need professional help to maybe deal with, and barring that, there's not much I can do on my own to save it.
So, we'll get to have a fun talk this weekend.
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Post by cagedtiger on Jul 14, 2016 14:36:06 GMT -5
Once again, you've nailed it.
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