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Post by cagedtiger on Oct 10, 2017 14:39:37 GMT -5
Without getting into too much detail here (I'll save that for a different place), I've attempted to dabble. I think a lot of it was needing something that was a polar opposite of my previous situation. There's a pretty active poly network in this area, and if I'd really, really tried, I probably could've gotten an introduction.
However, what I've discovered after a summer of consensual non-manogomous dating, is I was definitely spreading myself too thin. When it comes to dating and relations, I've always been the "all-in" type, which meant that between maintaining the relationships, working, moving, and working on me, I was beginning to slip in all those areas.
I still love the idea, and I think I still want to try it down the road, but for now, I want to get myself into a better place personally before I start adding even more layers of complexity. Maybe next summer I'll be in a place to try again.
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Post by cagedtiger on Sept 28, 2017 13:15:09 GMT -5
I was just thinking, maybe I should have my t-levels checked as well. Maybe I produce too much. Is that possible? I mean, maybe it's just because I'm not getting any, but I think about sex morning, noon and night! And when I'm in a relationship I'm always like that. Maybe I have a disorder. Is there something I could take to lower my libido so that I wouldn't think about it so much? That would definitely help right now. Last night the h and I talked about this lack of sex again. Before we got married he had asked me how important sex was. I told him it was important but that if there were an accident or something drastic like that, I could understand not having sex. So, he threw that up in my face. Grrrrrr Thanks for the tag, love. Two to tango, there is nothing wrong with you. This isn't the result of some disorder you're suffering. This is on him. I'm going to repeat that. There is nothing wrong with you. I had a similar situation not too many years ago, where an old love from earlier in my life reappeared, and there were thoughts of mine that hey, maybe this could be something. However, I moved towns after a couple of months, and it gave me a fresh perspective and reminded me that the potential negatives and baggage outweighed the very good sex and fulfillment of a childhood crush. Again, I'm glad you found your way here, and I'm glad you're addressing these concerns now, instead of decades down the road. Out of curiosity, was he a bachelor the entire time you two were apart, over that 30 years? And if you don't mind me asking, did you have any other previous long term relationships or marriages during that time?
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Post by cagedtiger on Sept 11, 2017 15:28:33 GMT -5
OKCupid. First date was an awkward disaster, but we'd been chatting via gchat for a little bit before the date, and continued chatting from time to time, because she was witty and funny.
About six weeks later she invited me to see an exhibit at a museum. We went to dinner after, kept talking, ended up at a bar after that, and three Old Fashioneds each later, we were making out on a couch. She invited me back to her place, and we fooled around, even though no sex happened for a few months still.
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Post by cagedtiger on Sept 8, 2017 10:10:18 GMT -5
While dancing classes and similar activities often are mainly couples and very old people, one of my friends, age 56, has found several boyfriends at such places. Another was around 58 14 years ago when she met her husband at a weekly contra dance. He said he was attracted to her because she looked so happy. Neither woman were dancing to meet men. They went because they liked dancing. Precisely. Going to the social dances after or aside from the classes, there are more people in the community, at a wider range of ages and experience.
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Post by cagedtiger on Sept 8, 2017 8:58:26 GMT -5
I'll +1 on the meeting people the old - fashioned way. I've been taking dance lessons since June (salsa so far), and I've met all kinds of people with similar interests and passions as myself, of all ages, and I've made friends there. No dates have come from it, but I haven't exactly tried either. But I'm pretty sure there's potential there.
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Post by cagedtiger on Aug 9, 2017 8:08:33 GMT -5
Stopped wearing it very shortly after I moved out in January, unless we were seeing our couples counselor or I was at church. And admittedly, I would take it off if I was out with friends or the dogs for maybe a month or two before I left. . YES! Welcome back friend! (I so remember you from day one!) Just a polite question, or maybe more of a food for thought question. Why the put it back on at church? Shouldn't church be a place where you can be open about these every day life issues? Gods word addresses these things. It's just so wrong that "tradition" gets in the way of true compassion and mercy. (just a personal opinion) As you may remember me mentioning in previous posts, she's terrified of what other people think about her, and us, so I did it as a way to let her save face in her "safe space." I resigned from the Deacon board and let the ministers know that I was stepping away from the church, because she needed that as "her" place.
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Post by cagedtiger on Aug 8, 2017 22:21:13 GMT -5
Stopped wearing it very shortly after I moved out in January, unless we were seeing our couples counselor or I was at church.
And admittedly, I would take it off if I was out with friends or the dogs for maybe a month or two before I left.
Haven't worn it at all since probably March. It's been in a drawer, first a dresser drawer when I was staying with a friend, now that I'm in my own apartment, it's in a desk drawer. Once everything is said and done, I'm not sure if I'll try to sell it or what- it's hammered white gold, so it's impossible to resize. I'll figure that out when I get to that point, since it's still six more months away.
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Post by cagedtiger on Jul 26, 2017 16:44:19 GMT -5
Devils advocate here: what if instead of asking the refuser to chamge, we change. Not for our refusers sake but for ourselves. What if we took better care of ourselves, dropped those few pounds we carry around, updated the wardrobe, got a new haircut, take that trip, start that hobby. Forget the refuser for awhile. Focus on ourselves, our needs, our happiness. At some point the refuser might notice. And if they dont, fuck 'em. You will probably have attracted half a dozen new potential partners by the time the transformation is done. Maybe the change starts within us. Of course it is possible if a Refuser wants to change. But that is the issue, the vast majority of refusers don't give a flying fuck in hell how their behavior affects their spouses. Yep, also did that, and it's been paying off in spades since I moved out. She told me she felt "threatened" by me making all these changes in myself, that she felt to like I was "trying too hard," and that she felt like I was trying to "make her feel guilty" for not wanting to also partake in the same activities, changes to diet, etc. That all played heavily into the realization that it was time for me to leave.
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Post by cagedtiger on Jul 24, 2017 19:32:16 GMT -5
I've hidden the relationship status on my profile, but I'm not sure what shows on hers or not. I know she's not changed it from married, but then again, seeing as we still have six more months (at least) in separation purgatory, she's not the type who would change her status until forced to. Gotta keep up appearances and such, after all.
I'll change it when everything is settled and done, and maybe then she'll get the point that I'm really serious about it. Don't see any need to change it before.
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Post by cagedtiger on Jul 24, 2017 14:17:02 GMT -5
I love this track. Then again, I have a massive crush on Mary Elizabeth Winstead.
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Post by cagedtiger on Jun 8, 2017 13:08:41 GMT -5
In need of a good dance partner:
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Post by cagedtiger on Jun 8, 2017 8:38:55 GMT -5
Found an old mix CD I'd made probably seven years ago after another big breakup. Just what I needed to hear today.
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Post by cagedtiger on Jun 7, 2017 16:56:26 GMT -5
Somebody has spent waaaaaaaaaay too much time in the PUA forums. Or /r/theredpill
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Post by cagedtiger on Jun 7, 2017 9:07:49 GMT -5
Hey brother, another veteran here if you need another ear to listen. Feel free to reach out at any time.
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Post by cagedtiger on Jun 3, 2017 9:18:43 GMT -5
It's def not about looks. It's about THEM. Their issues. I'd say 90% of the time the sexual rejection / abandonment has zero to do with the refused spouse's appearance. Maybe even 95%. Up until 6-9 mo ago, I was still attracted to my h - didn't want to be, but I was. He now looks exactly like he did 6-9 mo ago but you couldn't pay me enough to have sex with him at this point. Nope, not even a million.......... not a Ferrari, a palazzo in Italy, nada. Not happening. It's weird knowing that now I'm rejecting him. I am a refuser of sorts. So, he's being rejected now because of MY issues (precipitating from years of a sm of course). I think the keyword here is respect. As I watched my STBX sink more and more into being an inactive, unhappy mess who was unwilling or unable to do anything to change her circumstances, I realized that I had stopped respecting her, and was pitying her instead. That was a massive realization for me.
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