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Post by cagedtiger on Jul 14, 2016 7:10:07 GMT -5
As an update: yesterday was day 3 for seriously crushing headaches, so much so that she left work and drove home at about 2 in the afternoon.
"When I go see the doctor next in September, I'll ask about getting my head scanned," she told me. "As a compromise."
I just nodded, and replied "ok."
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Post by cagedtiger on Jul 13, 2016 21:57:07 GMT -5
One bed or two in the room? Because if there's two that should help with making things a little less awkward if there are separate beds to sleep in, right?
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Post by cagedtiger on Jul 13, 2016 12:42:06 GMT -5
Not rude or snapping the vast majority of the time unless I'm completely at my wit's end with frustration, and even that's becoming more rare.
I've detached a lot the last couple of months, so now I'll just shut up or answer monosyllabically. She seems to prefer that, as it feels like if we're ever talking for more than a couple of minutes at a time, she'll tell me that I use too many words when I talk, or more often, that I'm bothering her.
Besides, if I do snap she'll often start crying, because she's sorry she made me mad and is a bad wife (her words). And that's not productive for anything.
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Post by cagedtiger on Jul 12, 2016 23:33:54 GMT -5
Can I give you a hug? I feel your pain.
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Post by cagedtiger on Jul 12, 2016 22:53:54 GMT -5
I've been trying to help her take better care of herself for quite a long while now. I grew up in a large family that cooked everything and ate lots of vegetables... if I cook something she might eat it once, then it's back to the fast food (and any leftovers of hers will be left to accumulate in the fridge until I throw them out, and she complains to me about doing so). We have two dogs that I always invite her to take for walks. She declines, and if I don't take them out, the dogs don't get walked. We tried having a trainer together as a couple (her idea), and it turned out to be a horrible idea- having played sports my whole life, I push myself, which she took to be me "showing off" or "making a scene." We have Y memberships, and I've offered to go at the same time as her any time she wants, but she hasn't gone at all this calendar year. @andie, a lot of what you were describing sounds like what she does- Excendrin Migraine by the handful, mixed with muscle relaxers and washed down with Dr. Pepper (of which the half-full/ empty cans accumulate on her nightstand until I remove them, then she complains that me taking those and throwing them away is me being judgemental). And she wonders why she feels like crap all the time... Sorry, I've been needing to get that out for a little while, I guess. When I try to bring it up with her, I'm being judgy or putting too much pressure on her. baza and bballgirl, with regards to setting myself an ultimatum/ Maginot Line/ Line in the sand, I think deep down I've already started doing that without even being fully conscious of it. I just don't know exactly where that point is yet, or when, or what the final straw will be. I still hold out hope that somewhere deep inside is still the badass I fell in love with, even if I haven't seen her in a long time - call me either a glutton for punishment, or just a foolish romantic, but there it is. However, even I have limits to my patience, and she's already riding most of them a lot of the time. As for an exit strategy/ contingency, again, I think this is something I've subconsciously thought about for several months now, just in bits and pieces, really. Fortunately, with my background, experience, training, and personality, I can move pretty much anywhere and get a job quickly.
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Post by cagedtiger on Jul 12, 2016 14:32:42 GMT -5
Yes, this is always good advice. Especially since they aren't married, cagedtiger has no legal standing to receive any info or make any decisions on her behalf if she is incapacitated. Exactly my thoughts (re: marital status), my esteemed DC. *bows No, we're married- 14 months this weekend. And we both just updated all our PoA and living wills just a few weeks ago
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Post by cagedtiger on Jul 12, 2016 12:11:28 GMT -5
As her to go for you. Flat out. Explain that you love her regardless and the "not knowing" about what can be done is effectively hurting you. Ask her to "change positions" and you are the one not feeling well? What is her reaction? How would she feel? Would you not caring about yourself bother her? Good luck. Remember, you cannot make someone get help. That was the approach I led with- didn't make any difference. I think greatcoastal is right; we have the same doctor, and I have an appointment scheduled for next week. I'll bring it up then and schedule something for the both of us as soon as possible.
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Post by cagedtiger on Jul 12, 2016 11:28:39 GMT -5
So I mentioned in my "Married to Depression" post that my wife often suffers from crazy incapacitating migraines and all the fun things that come with that. Over the last couple of weeks it seems to be getting more frequent, and now even more lack of energy and nausea also are getting thrown in the mix. So much so that I had to leave work early yesterday to pick her up, bring her home, and take care of her all evening.
I've asked her directly several times over the last couple of years if she'll go get it checked out with her doctor, to see if there's anything medically that can be done to help alleviate some of the issues, and each time I'll either get a noncommittal "yeah, maybe I should" or she'll change the subject.
A couple of weekends ago, we were talking about the things that we needed to work on in our relationship (she said she'd 'work on the romantic part'), and she looked at me and said, "You know I'm never going to get it checked out, right?" When I asked her why, tears welled up in her eyes, and she told me that if something was seriously wrong, she'd rather not know, because once they know something is wrong, people only get worse fast.
By way of explanation, when she was 20 years old, her father was diagnosed with esophageal cancer, and died from it very very quickly after the initial diagnosis (it was already fairly advanced by that point).
In contrast, my mother died of a pretty easily treatable, but fairly difficult to diagnose at the time disease (porphyria) when I was 8 years old.
I pointed out that in both cases going to a doctor sooner might have made a difference, but she won't hear it. Even after last night, when I had to stop on the side of the road so she could vomit, she's still unwilling to go to a doctor about it.
Even when I bring up how unfair she's really being with this for the both of us.
I really don't know what else to do at this point, but I get mad at her just thinking about it.
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Post by cagedtiger on Jul 10, 2016 21:43:18 GMT -5
The last movie we watched that had nudity (Gone Girl), she didn't even bat an eye, except to compliment the actress, as casually as if she were ordering a pizza. Then she went to bed halfway through because she was tired.
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Post by cagedtiger on Jul 7, 2016 13:14:47 GMT -5
To quote an obscure movie that I love (Buying the Cow - early Ryan Reynolds), "The worst thing you can do is marry the wrong girl out of a fear of being alone." That's my wife. She wants to stay married for companionship. She comes by it from the example of her parents. She admits they weren't happy but the fact they stuck it out somehow until death they did part is good to her. Guess it was more typical of their generation. To my wife it didn't matter that her parents weren't happy, staying together is all that matters. I've told her on more than one occasion that I'm not her parents and I won't be staying forever if things don't improve. That actually sounds a lot like my wife as well- I've felt for a while now like our marriage is mostly about companionship when it's convenient for her, and occasionally having me as a decoration on her arm at some functions, but that's about it. Her father died when she was 20, and I feel like she idealizes a lot of the relationship her parents had before then. Just from observation I've noticed that her family isn't particularly affectionate, which probably has to do with why she has so many problems with it now.
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Post by cagedtiger on Jul 7, 2016 10:51:07 GMT -5
I have no idea how these other couples can live together for so long but in utter misery. Perhaps it is better than being alone? To quote an obscure movie that I love (Buying the Cow - early Ryan Reynolds), "The worst thing you can do is marry the wrong girl out of a fear of being alone."
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Post by cagedtiger on Jul 7, 2016 6:55:26 GMT -5
Like DryCreek and sufferinhubby, it's any distracting myself. I work out a lot, and have several close friends who have been exactly where I am now. They've made themselves available any time I need to talk- that's been a Godsend already.
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Post by cagedtiger on Jul 5, 2016 13:37:10 GMT -5
Because, like you, I don't want to be the cheating, lying husband. And I'm also still here for a variety of reasons that need time to resolve for a lot of reasons . The important part is you are gaining ground! I like your time with your friends. What would it be like to drag your spouse along, let her sit in the corner, and be jealous of you having a good time and being accepted for the person you really are? ( just thinking out loud here?) This will make an excellent journal for you to look back on at the end of this summer, and this fall. We've tried that-anxiety kicks in hardcore, then she starts feeling bad for ruining my good time, and it turns into a very nasty, very steep downward spiral...
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Post by cagedtiger on Jul 5, 2016 13:28:11 GMT -5
What are you worried about if you did end up with this friend, even for a brief time? Is that worse than what happens if you do nothing and don't reconnect? Because, like you, I don't want to be the cheating, lying husband. And I'm also still here for a variety of reasons that need time to resolve for a lot of reasons .
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Post by cagedtiger on Jul 5, 2016 10:54:10 GMT -5
cagedtiger, I'm sympathetic. On one hand you're starving in your committed relationship, meanwhile there is a buffet within sight. Does this other woman have long-term potential, or just a short hot fire? I.e., do you regret not pursuing her instead of your wife? My last girlfriend kinda set me up with my wife, but her expectation was that I'd come back around to her after maturing a bit (which I needed). In her words, I was supposed to date W, not marry her. What a different world it would be if I'd been clued into that bit of detail earlier. Quite honestly, if we'd reconnected ~15 years ago when there had been a narrow window that we both missed, we'd probably be married now, and probably happy. Our families were very close friends for most of our childhood, and I think most folks at the church we attended growing up assumed we'd end up together. However, fate is a cruel and wicked mistress, and a string of abusive relationships and bad circumstances have left her pretty badly damaged- she's been working through a lot of these things, but even five years later, there's still a lot more to go. We both knew it would be just a fling, or series of flings, but we both enjoyed it, and we're still good friends. She understands why it's so hard for me to be around her now. The great irony, of course, is that I thought my wife was the "safe" choice to make in this regard, and that's been far from the case. As for others I maybe should have ended up with, I could write a very, very long post about the other "shoulda, woulda, coulda's" that are honestly not more than a phone call or email away.
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