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Post by cagedtiger on Jun 22, 2016 13:25:37 GMT -5
Yes, that sounds very familiar. Especially version B- I was driving her car to the beach through a torrential downpour a few months back, and I asked innocently enough about when she'd last changed the tires ( the thing was hydroplaning like crazy), and she immediately got defensive and told me she felt like I was attacking her choice in her car.
More recently, I pointed out the sagging main beam and section of the floor in a conversation we had about things that still needed to be done on the house, and she got *MAD.* It wasn't a matter of attacking her choice in the house she bought, it was pointing out what every inspector in the country would immediately ding if she were to ever try and sell the house.
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Post by cagedtiger on Jun 22, 2016 12:52:18 GMT -5
This is from the Facebook status of an old friend and mentor of mine:
Wednesday Wisdom -- Better to go alone than to be poorly accompanied.
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Post by cagedtiger on Jun 21, 2016 10:43:33 GMT -5
A lot of my "one year plan" actually revolves around our financials. We'll have several things paid off over then next year, the remodels to her house (she bought it before we met and I have no interest in keeping it) will be finished, and a few other things would be easier to cleanly walk away from.
Another part of my hesitation for leaving sooner is because I worry about her being on her own; she only really has one or two friends, as others have drifted away, either physically, emotionally, or both. I worry about her being alone, especially as her dog, who's been her constant companion for a long time, is increasingly showing signs that she won't be around forever. I know when the dog dies she'll be absolutely devastated, and I worry about what happens then. Especially if I'm not around.
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Post by cagedtiger on Jun 21, 2016 10:18:20 GMT -5
cagedtiger - even with limited info, your parents probably have a more objective view and see where this is headed. As a parent, it's a precarious place - you know where it's headed, you know what should be done, but giving directed advice is hazardous. If they take a stance against your marriage and you decide not to divorce, they've polarized themselves against its success. And if they're observant and sympathetic, they probably won't push you to force a bad fit. Which leaves them in a position of "being supportive". Biting their tongues and hoping you reach the right conclusion. Odds are, they know the score, and they have an opinion. I think you're right. And I'm sure they've talked about this at great length before I even got into town on Friday. I mean, they've seen their daughter in law exactly once since the wedding, while we've visited my mother in law at least four times in that same span of time.
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Post by cagedtiger on Jun 21, 2016 9:54:59 GMT -5
The weekend was just what the doctor ordered. Or what the doctor will probably order, after a few therapy sessions.
My parents live on a small pond, and their house is full of huge windows and vaulted ceilings. I've always been a heliophile, but I didn't realize until I got there just how deeply the constant dark and drawn shades in my home had been affecting me. Just sitting outside on the sunlit patio each morning with a cup of coffee, listening to the sounds of the birds on the pond, was incredibly therapeutic, and I quickly felt like a huge weight was coming off my shoulders.
As for talking with my parents, I feel like that went really well too. They were also baffled by her refusing to consider counseling, but are of course supportive of me find on my own, and hopeful that she might reconsider or my counselor might be able to offer better advice.
I think the most telling things were what they didn't say- historically, both my parents have dropped grandchild hints hot and heavy any time I'm around. That wasn't the case this trip. Further, when a sideways reference about future children came out, it was about *me* someday having kids, not my wife and me.
They both separately told me, repeatedly, told me to come down any time I need a respite (they're only about 2.5 hours from where I live), and that they would always be proud of me no matter what happened.
Overall, I got the sense that they're beginning to brace themselves for the idea down the road that we might not be together forever, and would be OK with that.
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Post by cagedtiger on Jun 21, 2016 9:14:04 GMT -5
I agree with some sentiments on here.... she is just not a sexual person. Never masturbates, never shows sexual desire... expects the romantic type love without the dirty sex part.... besides, that's for young attractive people only right? Is not an intent to hurt on her part, just different expectations... Holy crap, I think you just nailed it for me too. While my wife talks about a very flirtatious, somewhat promiscuous youth ( which I learned long ago I tend to prefer in my partners), I guess the seven years of solitude killed a lot of that. It clicked with me this weekend that for her, I'm a friend and occasional companion more than any sort of romantic lover. This is most obviously born out in our main forms of communication- text messages and Google chat during the day trading interesting stories, much like I do with any of my other friends. And when we're both home from work it's mostly her unloading on me what happened during her day as she would to a friend, whereas I've realized I've become preconditioned to say very little about what's on my mind, as I've learned that most of time she's not really interested.
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Post by cagedtiger on Jun 18, 2016 14:44:54 GMT -5
As I alluded to in my post about my situation, I'm finding more and more that my wife and I no longer seem to share many common interests or likes any longer.
I'm not sure if it's all because of the depression, because we're changing and growing apart, or just because of her need for large amounts of time away from me.
So if anybody cares to answer, how is it for you? Do you and your spouse do things together except the sex, or is there a lack of doing things together in general? And if so, when/ how did that start?
Sorry for all the questions, I'm just trying to figure a lot of things out, and I do that best while talking to others.
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Post by cagedtiger on Jun 17, 2016 7:34:51 GMT -5
I was taken by the direction the cucumber chick drove this thread for a while. I was then waiting - in vain as it turns out - for the bloke equivalent. Quite possibly, the blokes here are too classy to go there, but as I am not so classy ----- An enterprising bloke might offer to prepare the evening meal, including a nice salad, and spurt his own personally produced mayonnaise over his avoidant spouses salad. Flavor/ consistency are harder to mask. Unless you really know what you're doing or have that one cookbook...
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Post by cagedtiger on Jun 16, 2016 21:00:01 GMT -5
You know, I was just reminded of something else that I hadn't thought about for a long, long time that I should have included in my original post. Before we started dating, my wife had been single, totally celibate, and happily alone with her cats and her dog for about 7 years. I didn't think that was going to be that big of a deal when we started dating, but it probably has... That is what is called a " a-ha moment" . We all get those, especially in a SM. They continue for the rest of your life. You will read where many of us relate to our spouses upbringing, family background, our own families and background. All warning signs to take into account as we progress into our next relationships. Or how we handle the future with our spouse. Yeah... I don't know why I didn't think about that sooner. I'm going to my parents house this weekend for Father's Day, and I know they already have time set aside for a long, frank talk with me- they've known about my wife's medical stuff for a while, and I think they've sensed things are going as well as it previously seemed (they've stopped asking about when they're getting grandchildren); I'm also planning on meeting with one of my best friends, our former minister and one of the officiants at our wedding, who also happens to be recently divorced (under somewhat similar circumstances). I'll keep you all posted on what happens with those conversations.
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Post by cagedtiger on Jun 16, 2016 20:36:27 GMT -5
You know, I was just reminded of something else that I hadn't thought about for a long, long time that I should have included in my original post.
Before we started dating, my wife had been single, totally celibate, and happily alone with her cats and her dog for about 7 years. I didn't think that was going to be that big of a deal when we started dating, but it probably has...
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Post by cagedtiger on Jun 16, 2016 16:06:21 GMT -5
Oh, and @roch649, SMILE! It won't cost you anything! And it might even make you a tiny bit happier. Funny how that works. Happiness can happen backwards, one smile at a time. You know what makes me smile the most?... a little attention from an attractive woman.... since it's been years lacking at home...i have probably forgotten how to smile.... Start practicing by smiling at passing strangers on the street- seriously, before you even realize it you won't be forcing yourself to do it, and it'll start feeling natural again. Life is too short, and this world too beautiful, to let one person steal all of your happiness.
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Post by cagedtiger on Jun 16, 2016 15:11:42 GMT -5
1. Being able to study for professional certification exams is easier, since she's not bugging me to do stuff or hang out most of the time. 2. Like others, burning off the excess energy and frustration has me lifting, cycling, and running a lot more the last few months- and it's good to get out of the house. 3. Lots more daddy - doggie time on the trails or in the dog parks. 4. I've started writing again, with a vengeance. 5. More quality time being spent with my closest friends ( the ones the wife doesn't like, doesn't know, or doesn't know and assumes she won't like). 6. Finding this place, and having all you wonderful people to talk with and listen to. Thank you- it's been so good for my psyche already.
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Post by cagedtiger on Jun 16, 2016 14:03:41 GMT -5
I'm good friends now with several of my exes, but it took time and distance; I had no illusions about trying to be best friends right after breaking up, but let them decide later if they wanted to be friends, it was up to them.
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Post by cagedtiger on Jun 16, 2016 13:20:34 GMT -5
@smartkat, love it! It hasn't come up in months, but when it does next, I'll definitely use that.
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Post by cagedtiger on Jun 16, 2016 13:10:13 GMT -5
Wow, all this talk of love languages is hitting really close to home for me as well. We talked extensively about that during our premarital counseling but I don't think she remembers or maybe doesn't want to acknowledge that my love language includes physical contact, affection, and intimacy. Or she might just think (again) that makes me "weird" and"needy."
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