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Post by cagedtiger on Jul 5, 2016 10:10:56 GMT -5
During the week I'm usually in bed by 1030, 11 at the latest with the intent of going straight to sleep- my wife will usually have been in bed for a good while by then, and will usually stay up watching TV for another hour or two while I'm trying to fall asleep. Then I'll be up first to take the puppy for a run and let our older dog out before work, and I'm often out the door before my wife even wakes up. The last few months though, we've been spending a lot of time it seems alternating who sleeps in the bed and who sleeps in the office. I get more space the twin in the office, since she sort of just sprawls out in the middle of our queen size, saving me just a sliver of space.
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Post by cagedtiger on Jul 5, 2016 9:48:20 GMT -5
The last couple of weekends I spent a lot of time hanging out with friends (at my wife's insistence), and it's been more than a little frustrating. Being solo in a group with single friends who are obviously attracted to each other, and watching them start flirting, then dancing, then making out, remembering what that used to feel like. Having couple friends out in the same group who obviously still like being around each other was even harder. Especially since we were all out together while my wife was at home, either in bed or on the couch watching reality TV. Granted, these were the friends I've been talking most about me marriage issues with, and they helped as best they could to try and make me not feel like a third wheel, but they deserve to have as much fun as possible.
After getting home, I'd see my wife passed out asleep in bed, and the literal heartache would kick in as I wondered, "what happened? When was the last time we were really truly both happy together?"
As a related story, the father of a childhood friend of mine passed away this past week, and the funeral was scheduled for this past Saturday in my hometown, where my parents still live. I thought long and hard about going, but decided it would be a terrible idea.
Not because of my friend, or family, or mourning a man whom I'd known and looked up to since I was a kid.
Because of another childhood friend from that circle of friends. One whom I've actively avoided for the last few years.
We met for the first time when I was 8 and she was 9, and I was instantly smitten; as we got older, she was always that beautiful, way too cool for me girl in school that I always figured I never had a chance at dating. A little over five years ago, our paths crossed again after probably ten years of not seeing each other, and the years of attraction that had been slowly smoldering on both our parts exploded into a roaring inferno of a summer fling. Even after that summer, up until I started dating my wife, whenever I was back in my hometown, no matter where i was staying I'd somehow end up in her bed for most of the visit.
If I'd gone to the funeral this past weekend, I knew exactly what would have happened- it has almost happened at another funeral were been at together, very shortly after I'd proposed to my now wife. Back then, when we'd been happy, it had taken ever ounce of willpower I possessed to keep my hands to myself. This time, I wouldn't have been able to. Especially since she knows me so very well, and would've asked me how married life is going, and I've never been able to lie to her even when I wanted to, and we would have fallen back into old habits.
And I would've regretted it for the rest of my life.
So yeah, self-preservation.
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Post by cagedtiger on Jun 28, 2016 22:21:54 GMT -5
Fair enough. In my version of the flight of fancy, your missus didn't appear in the picture at all. I picked up on that. I'm not quite there yet, though...
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Post by cagedtiger on Jun 27, 2016 20:53:32 GMT -5
cagedtiger I invite you to go on a flight of fancy. Imagine a primary adult sexual relationship, where you did not even have the slightest fear about what you might say, or any fear about what the other person might say. How cool would that be. I meant not trusting what I would say in front of my closest friends, because we have one of those Facebook- perfect marriages. I have no reason to worry about what I'd say to her, because she doesn't go out with my friends and I, and if I do come back from a night out of drinking and shenanigans, she's usually passed out on the couch with the TV on, or is in the middle of the bed and I'll go sleep in the spare bedroom then. But yes, I miss what you describe. I've had it before, it's just been a long time.
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Post by cagedtiger on Jun 27, 2016 18:51:30 GMT -5
Never underestimate the theraputic value of a gutful of grog with a few mates. I never do. I just hadn't trusted myself to get completely blotto out of a fear of what I might say.
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Post by cagedtiger on Jun 27, 2016 16:09:32 GMT -5
First appointment with my counselor is scheduled for later this week!
On a related note, I went out Saturday night with several of my closest friends, most of whom are divorced (not sure if that's a veteran thing, or a "we're all assholes" thing), and had the whole, "hey guys, this is why half of you haven't seen my wife in over a year, and why half of you haven't met her at all" talk. They listened to me unload, offered a lot of great insight and support, then got me incredibly drunk, which surprise surprise, I needed.
I'm grabbing dinner with a friend later this week who was on the other side of where I am now, and he wanted to give some insights as to what finally made a difference.
So all in all, a bit of positive progress.
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Post by cagedtiger on Jun 24, 2016 17:46:03 GMT -5
Ah. Ouch. Let's just say....I almost bought a stripper pole for my room and wanted to take classes...all for him. It's too expensive.... I guess if the other attempts didn't work....what will? I put the moves on this guy! He can be convinced. He is great in bed. He doesn't want to. The amount of energy required is exhausting. It makes me tired. My mommy told me boys were bad and I counted on it! 😂 Jesus. This isn't helping my sex-deprived imagination at all...
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Post by cagedtiger on Jun 24, 2016 17:31:54 GMT -5
To be fair, in my virginal days, I was very much the same way. It took a very dedicated mentor to teach me how to recognize when a woman was giving nonverbal hints of consent. I'm pretty forward. 😂 He knows. Ah. Ouch.
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Post by cagedtiger on Jun 24, 2016 17:16:54 GMT -5
Mmmm...very much like my husband. 😂 He took forever to kiss me. Months! He was a virgin. I had wondered how, because men usually have a hard time waiting. I thought it was his devotion to God...nope. 😠He doesn't need intimacy. The signs are all there!!!!!! To be fair, in my virginal days, I was very much the same way. It took a very dedicated mentor to teach me how to recognize when a woman was giving nonverbal hints of consent.
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Post by cagedtiger on Jun 23, 2016 21:56:44 GMT -5
This article says once a week. I'm laughing or I will cry! Yep. Welcome to the club that nobody should want to be a member of.
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Post by cagedtiger on Jun 23, 2016 12:41:29 GMT -5
This all describes my wife perfectly. She'll buy something, food for example, that she wants but when I don't eat it or, God forbid, buy something else that's similar to what she bought, I'll get the look of disdain and she'll accuse me of not respecting her decisions, not supporting her, and all sorts of crap. WTF??? I never asked her to buy what she did. Never hinted that I might like it. I don't care that she bought it and never gave her any crap about buying it. I just don't want it. But to her she was doing me a flavor, even though she clearly bought if for herself, and I should gobble it up, thanking her profusely in between bites. My wife has some strange, but slightly similar habits when it comes to food. With her though it's more of a, "I'm hungry for something from <insert take out/ fast food place> so you want anything from there?" Followed by my reply if, "no, I've got these chicken breasts and there's vegetables and brown rice and salad, I'm going to cook those things, but I'll go get your what you want." Which she takes as me judging her on her eating habits and trying to guilt her about them. Maybe inwardly, but she's an adult and makes her own decisions.
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Post by cagedtiger on Jun 23, 2016 10:36:33 GMT -5
I wear mine, unless I'm working on site, or working out. But I always put it back on between the time I finish my workout and the time I leave the gym.
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Post by cagedtiger on Jun 23, 2016 7:35:42 GMT -5
"I do think couples can end up feeling pressure to try to engage in sex as frequently as possible..." In terms of frequency there may come a point when you're just doing it for the sake of doing it. That point is going to be different for everyone. To me, I like to wait until just when that delicious craving starts stirring. That's the feeling that leads to the kind of sex that just flows because you're not thinking about it, where human passion and animal desire guide you rather than statistics. Without that craving, sex can still be good, but I would get diminishing returns. For us this plays out to once or twice a week. For others, once or twice a day. What matters is not how often you do it but how good it is when you do. In all my previous relationships, it never came to a point of "sex because we should be doing this." It was always "I can't keep my hands off you, and I don't want to," or "we're flirting our brains out while we do this thing and have basically turned it into foreplay," or "I'm a very physical creature and something as simple as drawing a breath will put me in the mood," on the part of one or both of us. We had sex because we genuinely craved the other person physically, not out of any sense of obligation or duty. It's a big part of why my situation feels so very alien to me.
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Post by cagedtiger on Jun 23, 2016 1:14:35 GMT -5
Yes, the hardest part is not being desired. Â I get great conversation from friends, family, online. Â I get support and friendship from others besides my husband. Â But the one thing that I save only for him, that only he can give me, he won't. Â And it hurts so very deeply sometimes. I still envy those of you that have friendship with your refusing spouses. Â There's value in that. Â Enough? Â I don't know. Â I'm sad tonight. Â And frustrated. Â That way. Â Argh!!! Friendship is valuable, but not a substitute. If I had to choose, I'd give up friendship to gain intimacy. I can make friends. I'm not supposed to find sex / intimacy / love elsewhere. All the things W does, I could hire out. She despises the one thing I can't. I've been finding I'm pulling back a bit even with the friendship part of our relationship- partially out of resentment, partially because I've felt more and more like a caretaker, and less and less like a partner for the last several months.
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Post by cagedtiger on Jun 22, 2016 20:47:44 GMT -5
Someone mentioned in another post about there spouse having to redo everything their way. Even when it ends up 95percent the same. Their way is right. Yours was wrong. Part of the " never good enough, always jumping through hoops." ...that would be a lot of my wife. I didn't even *know* there was a wrong way to put things in the refrigerator before we moved in. And apparently every time I annoy her with things like that, it resets some mysterious "closeness counter" to zero. And if she doesn't feel close to me, she doesn't want me to touch her. At all.
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