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Post by cagedtiger on May 5, 2017 6:25:09 GMT -5
I just realized that there are 2 types of faking intimacy. Faking it to your partner is hard to do for many reasons discussed above. The other kind is faking intimacy for others as in public. That one is easy. I had a lifetime of training in that. My parents hardly ever got along with each other but as far as anyone knew, it was a perfect marriage with no issues right up until their divorce. I have been faking intimacy in public for almost a decade. My wife had that act down pat. While all our somewhat close friends are shocked by my "sudden" and "inexplicable" actions (because we're so cute together, we've gotta be meant to be), my closest, oldest friends and my closest sibling saw through it a long time ago. Then again, our mutual friends really only knew "us," whereas my closest circle knew and were looking for "me." and they weren't seeing that me in the relationship.
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Post by cagedtiger on May 4, 2017 21:05:29 GMT -5
Ok - just spitballing here. Is there ever an upside to accepting reset sex? A downside? My exit plan is firmly in place - everything is in order - have attorney's on speed dial, cash, even know where I'm going to live after. The actual celibacy might possibly be killing me at this point ๐ He's been attempting reset pretty regularly (after being out - with a few cocktails)........ How detrimental do y'all think it would be if I go along with it one time? Still leaving, plans still in place, but, a warm body might be nice for the time being. I'm actually pretty conflicted about this. Not big on "using" people, but we are actually married here. So....... Ugh...... this is tough To quote the warrior-poet Akon, "doesn't matter, had sex." From all accounts, he should know what's coming by now, a mile away- ESPECIALLY after family members have flat out told him you're leaving. I personally see nothing wrong with one last (potential) orgasm, if you're so inclined. I know in my case, even if my wife had been up for it, I'd quite honestly become so disgusted with the thought of sex with her that I wouldn't have gone along anyway. As long as you don't feel the same way, I'd say go for it.
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Post by cagedtiger on May 4, 2017 20:18:02 GMT -5
I tried. I really, really did, figuring the "fake it till you make it" approach might help make things better. If anything, it made them worse. Then again, a big part of our problem was that she never really fully "got me" to begin with, and honestly, I never, ever understood her brand of, "I'm an introvert, I want to be around you, but at a distance" that she tried again and again to explain to me. Okay.....(speaking for myself here) How much of the "fake it till you make it" approach, was just me caving, in the name of giving? Beginning to have doubts that "maybe my needs are excessive?, Maybe not everyone desires sex and intimacy like I do?" Perhaps my "fake happiness" was times filled with doubt. So here I was thinking "I'm giving to you, I really want you to realize that I am taking the lead and being open and vulnerable". In return was the cautious "I'm not ready yet, I need more time, Lets wait and see, things aren't good enough yet".... back to the jumping through hoops. Yep, you pretty much nailed where I was.
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Post by cagedtiger on May 4, 2017 17:43:06 GMT -5
I have a bit of a twist. Recently, i decided that it was time to push the issue again concerning the continued and now worsening condition of our relationship, including largely the forced celibacy (although she had now also withdrawn all other forms of physical contact and emotional intimacy as well as late). She has now determined that it would be a good idea if i leave. So, in my case, my partner actually met my complaints with calling time of death. No fixing this. Sex (but also everything else) no longer up for discussion. No cpunseling necessary either. She is right, although we shall see if this sticks ... I went through the "why don't you leave". (of course she didn't want an answer she wanted me to take the bait) My spouse went far enough to draw up a little contract. She wanted me out of the house for a month. There were strings attached. She still needed me to come and pick up, and drop off the kids for all their events while she was at work. I kept that little "contract". I also looked straight at her and said," NO...... Why don't YOU leave? We will be just fine at the house. Just like always. Continue to have the bills paid on line, and I will continue to do all the rest. We won't miss you at all." She had nothing to say, and of course she didn't leave. Others on here warned me of a huge red flag! Leaving the house for a month or more is considered abandonment. She could then claim the house for herself. You might want to start finding out your legal rights. Jesus that's evil. Please tell me you told your lawyer about that.
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Post by cagedtiger on May 4, 2017 10:08:53 GMT -5
In a discussion about intimacy I asked " can intimacy be faked? ". Rather than hijack the thread, I'm asking it here. To be clear I'm not referring to kisses and cuddles and caresses. I'm referring to that connnection on a certain level. That sense of unity,mutual understanding and emotional closeness. For me it's " I get you. I really get you". Being totally in tune with eachother. If that's not felt by one party, can they fake it? I tried. I really, really did, figuring the "fake it till you make it" approach might help make things better. If anything, it made them worse. Then again, a big part of our problem was that she never really fully "got me" to begin with, and honestly, I never, ever understood her brand of, "I'm an introvert, I want to be around you, but at a distance" that she tried again and again to explain to me.
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Post by cagedtiger on May 4, 2017 8:31:54 GMT -5
I am proud that I hiked to the top of Elephant Knees in Anza Borrego Desert State Park. It was 98 degrees with a nice breeze. See the trail. Most of it was nearly straight up. We had to scramble on our hands and feet. I was the second in the group to make it to the top! Nice! That is NOT a trail for the feint of heart.
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Post by cagedtiger on May 3, 2017 14:22:56 GMT -5
Proof of her extreme cuteness: THE perfect wingman aka Chick Magnet๐ She already does that at the dog park. All the cute owners know her, because they've all noticed how close she stays to me. "well, mommy and daddy are going through a breakup, and it's been really hard on the pups..." "Awwwww..."
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Post by cagedtiger on May 3, 2017 13:40:54 GMT -5
"You're ready to get back out there and date," my therapist said with a big smile and slight nod. "I mean, I'd stay off the dating sites and be as discreet as possible for the time being, but you're not exactly shy, so I think you'll be just fine."
That was Monday's therapy session, after talking about the wife's continued refusal to play ball or talk about how to move things forward, except for maybe with my parents (since she visited them again over the weekend).
This afternoon is another appointment with the lawyer to start getting ready to force her hand - I'll be informing her this evening that I'm changing my direct deposit come next pay period, and taking my bills back into my own accounts, and sending her a draft of a separation agreement to peruse and (hopefully) start contributing to. Otherwise, I'll be seeing if I need to start getting ready to sue, and when I can do that.
The legal question of dating is another tricky beast, thanks to the painfully antiquated separation and divorce laws here (thanks, Southern Baptists). Just because I'm ready to date emotionally (and very, very ready physically), I don't know if I am legally, nor do I know all the potential pitfalls and traps she could roll out if she gets vindictive in the future.
In the meantime, when I email or text her about things, I'm getting single word replies, two or three days later. Don't know what she's thinking it's helping achieve, but it feels fucking childish. My apologies for the language, but I'm really, really frustrated by all of this.
Ugh, this shit is already getting old.
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Post by cagedtiger on May 2, 2017 13:03:17 GMT -5
Holy shit, man. That sounds like it'll come out for the best in the long term though.
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Post by cagedtiger on May 2, 2017 12:35:19 GMT -5
Wait, what? When did this shift happen? Just trying to do in the blanks here.
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Post by cagedtiger on May 1, 2017 22:06:48 GMT -5
Most of my best sex partners went to Catholic schools. I've always figured there had to be some sort of correlation there, honestly. I really think it's as simple as the old "reverse psychology" concept. Tell anyone NOT to do something often enough (prob especially during formative years) and odds are they're going to want to do "it" more than if nobody said anything in the first place. Most people love having sex, regardless of religious proclivities. We all just got stuck with the duds in that department. ๐ You're right, obviously, but I think there's a bit more than that. Back in high school, we used to LOVE when we had soccer or Lacrosse matches at the Catholic school down the road. By the time we got into the parking lot, all the upperclassmen girls knew our names, our heights, our eye colors, whether or not we had a girlfriend, and what positions we played. Ah, good times... OK, I'm good now. I'll be in my bunk...
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Post by cagedtiger on May 1, 2017 21:45:39 GMT -5
I went to Catholic school for 9 years, yes, 9 years. We were taught sex-ed by our school Prrincipal, Sister Claude. Apparently, the educator's handbook was very short. Strict warnings of abstinence at the forefront - graphic stories of girl's becoming pregnant from sitting on a boy's lap - unless - of course one slipped a newspaper onto the boys lap before sitting. Masterbation? Your hands would surely turn black if you engaged at all. I do remember something about "making Jesus cry" and even "going straight to hell" if pre-marital sex was entertained at all. Nope. Not just the LDS. Most of my best sex partners went to Catholic schools. I've always figured there had to be some sort of correlation there, honestly.
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Post by cagedtiger on May 1, 2017 19:54:08 GMT -5
Current mood:
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Post by cagedtiger on May 1, 2017 19:52:30 GMT -5
I miss Coachella ...... sigh Oh, that's high school all over again! Something closer to home:
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Post by cagedtiger on May 1, 2017 19:43:04 GMT -5
I'll +1 this. My wife was raised in a very conservative church (that was literally across the street from her childhood home), and in that particular denomination, sex is a very, very taboo topic of conversation. Fairly early on in our dating relationship, she expressed a good bit of shame and regret for her sexual history before we dated. Since then, she has the vast majority of the time been really uncomfortable talking about sex, if not refusing to, and got incredibly embarrassed when it came up in our couples counseling. I have no doubt her early church roots are to blame for this. I get all of this! The LDS church does take it to a whole new level. The many rules and regulations regarding gender, power, the body, relationships, sexuality, being submissive (they call it obedience and service, I call it bullshit), are pure brainwashing techniques and function as a way to control the "flock." There is so much shame! The cult practices of a church like the Mormon church make it especially tricky and difficult to untangle. Years of therapy. Provided, of course, one is willing to put in all the work.
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