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Post by cagedtiger on May 1, 2017 19:23:40 GMT -5
Honestly, I can see this being a problem for anyone raised in a religious household. I was raised in a conservative Christian home. Sex was NEVER discussed. It wasn't until I was in college that I finally got past the taboo feeling and felt comfortable talking about sex. Our church only ever had the message "don't do it" and never prepared young people for pre-marriage discussion about sex. That is part of the reason why I have a hard time being angry at my W. Religion can really mess up a person's sexuality. I'll +1 this. My wife was raised in a very conservative church (that was literally across the street from her childhood home), and in that particular denomination, sex is a very, very taboo topic of conversation. Fairly early on in our dating relationship, she expressed a good bit of shame and regret for her sexual history before we dated. Since then, she has the vast majority of the time been really uncomfortable talking about sex, if not refusing to, and got incredibly embarrassed when it came up in our couples counseling. I have no doubt her early church roots are to blame for this.
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Post by cagedtiger on May 1, 2017 16:57:00 GMT -5
AS THE WORLD TURNS! Our court date was supposed to be tomorrow morning. My attorney and I went through 3 months of no return calls, from my STBX's second attorney. She has now hired a third. My attorney suggested I get a continence so we could take her deposition. Both attorneys would prefer another mediation. Does my STBX go along with that? Probably not. Will she fire this attorney ? Time will tell. Do all these delay tactics, and moving of money, and changing of stories look good for my STBX? I doubt it! (better for me!) Another moving of money into an account in my STBX's name has been discovered. (no need to say the numbers). Separate accounts for adult teens college have shown up. About 90% less than what was originally called "college money" during the first mediation. That brings up more questions. Where has that money gone? Was there any mutual consent to starting these college accounts? Was this done during the court order to freeze assets? It just goes on and on. The deposition will help get documented answers to much of the finance questions. Meanwhile we (the entire family) stay together, much like it was, with very little communication. Holy shit. I'm glad your lawyer is on top of all of this, though.
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Post by cagedtiger on Apr 30, 2017 22:04:54 GMT -5
Proof of her extreme cuteness:
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Post by cagedtiger on Apr 30, 2017 20:39:11 GMT -5
If you want to be a good partner, then it is imperative that you bring the best possible version of *you* to the table. It also means that if you have "issues" of some sort, that you work your arse off in trying to rectify such "issues", and you don't dump these "issues" on your partner. You don't make your spouse pay the price for YOUR issues, This spouse of yours Sister fgb , is failing at the first hurdle. He is NOT bringing the best possible version of himself to the table - or - he IS. That is to say, what you have is as good as it can get. Either way, you are tasked with making a brutal assessment of your deal. Is it "good enough" ?? YES!!! This articulates exactly how I feel. I have compartmentalized my marriage to such an extreme that I still feel like we have a good marriage even though he has overwhelming intimacy issues that he won't or can't attend to. I am not standing for it anymore. I'm done being patient and compassionate. We have hardly spoken since last night when I kicked him out of bed. He was at work all day, when he came home we were fine in front of the kids. I haven't said a word to him since I put the kids to bed. I'm hiding in the bedroom and I have no idea if he will even come in here tonight. He's got to fucking face the music and start contributing and trying to work though this or he gets NOTHING from me. I have reached my limit. He can figure it out. Apologize. Talk to me. Find a counselor. Make an effort. He's capable. He knows exactly where I stand and how I feel. It's his turn now. I would still recommend you get a therapist of your own as well. That will help you work through your own feelings, and focus your actions and what happens next. Your (rightly) bear a lot of anger (rage, as you said) towards your husband's family and the circumstances of his upbringing, but you're going to need to be able to let go of that eventually, regardless of how the two of you decide to move forward.
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Post by cagedtiger on Apr 30, 2017 20:17:23 GMT -5
She's actually been very good at making sure I have access to the dogs - she finally emailed late Wednesday about letting me take the dogs for the weekend while she was out of town, and I've been staying at the house with them this weekend. I definitely mentioned wanting to take my puppy when I spoke to my lawyer, and I think my wife knows that's coming. I'll just make sure to give her the day's notice she's asked for, I guess. Just "play along" CT. Before you know it, you and your puppy will be playing fetch in your NEW backyard (or the dog park ..... that works too😉). Dog park. Puppy is THE BEST wingman ever there already.
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Post by cagedtiger on Apr 30, 2017 16:17:56 GMT -5
First thing - if you're not seeing a counselor yourself, find one. Your language of feeling like you've sacrificed too much, and of not recognizing yourself is exactly where I was a year ago. It's not been easy, and it's not always been pleasant, but I'm well on he way to finding myself again. Unfortunately, for me it's meant starting the process of ending my marriage, as the sacrifices I'd made of myself for the relationship were a lot of things my wife couldn't even fathom, and still can't recognize. Then again I didn't have nearly the investment that you do.
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Post by cagedtiger on Apr 30, 2017 15:30:06 GMT -5
Thank you for your advice. I have done and said those things for years and nothing has changed. I have been VERY clear. What next? Yikes. What about going to counseling with him, involving a third, neutral party to big some perspective? Though honestly, I think you may have to steel yourself for a fight the to get any progress if he's been this apathetic so far. Physically speaking, it sounds kind you're very active. Is he the same way as well? I know that was a big source of a lot of the problems in my marriage.
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Post by cagedtiger on Apr 30, 2017 11:29:08 GMT -5
Agh, sorry I missed this! I'll be looking forward to the future sessions though!
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Post by cagedtiger on Apr 30, 2017 9:53:37 GMT -5
Can you get legal visitation of the dogs? Maybe once a formal separation agreement is drafted you could include something. Poor little fellas miss you Im sure- She's actually been very good at making sure I have access to the dogs - she finally emailed late Wednesday about letting me take the dogs for the weekend while she was out of town, and I've been staying at the house with them this weekend. I definitely mentioned wanting to take my puppy when I spoke to my lawyer, and I think my wife knows that's coming. I'll just make sure to give her the day's notice she's asked for, I guess.
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Post by cagedtiger on Apr 30, 2017 9:37:12 GMT -5
Do not underestimate the dangers of immature narcissistic adult children having children of their own. As one who is living this, by no means have children with such persons. The way she treats the dogs was more then enough evidence for me to make that decision a long time ago.
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Post by cagedtiger on Apr 30, 2017 9:08:44 GMT -5
Can I ask whether, when you broke the news, she at any point acknowledged that SM had anything to do with your decision and that she had anything to do with SM? It just strikes me from your initial post that all she came up with were generic platitudes. You just can't have a discussion with a spouter of cliches. Nope. She's always been hesitant to talk about that part of our relationship in anything other than very broad and general terms and oblique references. She repeatedly has said things about knowing she took me and all I had to offer for granted, but that's really about it. Unless you want to count her fairly recent admissions that she really, really wants children. Frankly, I just think it's out of her realm of either comprehension, or comfort zone.
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Post by cagedtiger on Apr 29, 2017 11:34:36 GMT -5
Random question: are divorce lawyers always hot? Asking for a friend.
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Post by cagedtiger on Apr 27, 2017 12:07:46 GMT -5
A bit darker today than usual. Feeling my goth side.
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Post by cagedtiger on Apr 27, 2017 12:05:54 GMT -5
Have you heard the album they did with Big Boi, Big Grams? So good.
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Post by cagedtiger on Apr 27, 2017 11:59:31 GMT -5
Add to it the cocaine paranoia and if it is laced with LSD the distorted reality and rationale thinking, there is a very real potential for him to harm you, you're children and even kill you. Even a man that wouldn't hurt a fly can snap from the drugs. Absolutely true. Most of my advice is geared towards general purpose males. Honestly, I don't have much experience around that kind of shit except to stay the fuck away. Wise to take precautions on the day the letter is read and from that point on. That's why I'm suggesting a neutral location, where other people can't overhear, but would have clear sight lines and lanes of access if things go south to quickly respond.
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