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Post by cagedtiger on May 17, 2017 10:51:43 GMT -5
It's not that my situation is a toxic relationship of him withdrawing sex, if there was a shred of asshole in him this decision would be done and dusted in a blink , its because he's such a good guy that makes it so hard and painful I know there's nothing he wouldn't do for me or the kids the fact is that he's bi and I don't turn him on as much as other things do he try's but it's not the same, didn't realise till a year ago he was bi , I was fully supportive and try everything to make us work and so does he but I'm just done at this point If you don't mind me asking, how did he come to this realization? Also, has he seen or been seeing a therapist or any type himself? That kind of a revelation can be pretty earth-shaking, and there may be more be still is working through, even if he's not aware of it.
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Post by cagedtiger on May 16, 2017 18:52:10 GMT -5
Hmmm. Vegas, eh? I make it there a couple time a year for business. Soon, actually. It's an easy place to get to. And yeah, no shortage of alcohol and debauchery if you're into that. Sadly, some people wouldn't be caught dead in Vegas. And there's the challenge of dissuading the spouse if the destination is too enticing. Maybe someplace safer like Death Valley, Salt Lake City, or Sacramento. There's a garlic festival in central California we could use for cover story - now, if that doesn't sound exciting! ;-) Death Valley..Hahha... I like that, maybe...Arlington National cemetery, Dead Mans Curve, Widows Peak, Iceland,etc.....(all appropriate for ILIASM) Actually, us single men would probably do quite well in Iceland...
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Post by cagedtiger on May 16, 2017 16:24:08 GMT -5
Oh Lord, I'd die there. I barely made it out alive the last time I went after a major breakup.
And on that note, I'll be over here looking at Southwest ticket prices.
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Post by cagedtiger on May 15, 2017 19:53:06 GMT -5
You've got this CT! Such a good idea to have a concrete plan for tomorrow. Who knows, "something" may or may not hit you. I hope NOT. Go out and have fun with your friends! No crying in your beer - but - doubt that would happen anyway. I hope you find the coolest apartment! And, I have to say, following your journey here, you are a class act my friend. It's obvious from the way you've handled all of this so far. HUGE but painful learning experience. Thank you. The last couple of weeks I've started really, really turning my focus onto who I want to be once everything is said and done, and this will go much, much more easily when I'm in my own place. I'm excited!
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Post by cagedtiger on May 15, 2017 14:02:02 GMT -5
I'm quickly finding out that my area is a buyer's market for men in my age bracket. Just be a nice, respectful guy who's got his stuff together, and you'll be just fine.
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Post by cagedtiger on May 15, 2017 13:53:46 GMT -5
My journal tells me that I had a blast, but hated that once again I was having fun without her. It also reminded that we'd been sexless for just under five months by that point, and I'd already started having serious thoughts that maybe this wasn't going to last. Soon you will stop feeling bad for having fun without her. She is the one who made the marriage sexless, and you should not feel bad at all. I am so relieved to know you have only been married 2 years with no kids. That makes it so much easier to detach. To be honest, I stopped feeling bad about having fun without her a good while ago - probably later that same summer. At the same time, I think, I stopped missing her when she wasn't around, and actually began looking forward to her not being around. At this point it's just a matter of finishing the year in purgatory required, and splitting up things.
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Post by cagedtiger on May 15, 2017 13:39:07 GMT -5
Tomorrow is our second wedding anniversary. Today, Facebook reminded me via Timehop that a year ago tonight I was at a concert with three of my closest friends, and she wasn't present (again). My journal tells me that I had a blast, but hated that once again I was having fun without her. It also reminded that we'd been sexless for just under five months by that point, and I'd already started having serious thoughts that maybe this wasn't going to last. I remember putting off shopping for her anniversary present and card for as long as possible, and spending half an hour in a Hallmark store, trying to find a card that would've have been an utter lie about how the marriage had gone thus far, and my feelings about us and her. I remember dreading the following day, even as I posted pictures from our wedding to my various social media outlets. This year, I'm not even planning on talking to her, if I can avoid it. I'll probably go check out a couple of apartment rentals, go work out with friends, and maybe meet a friend or two for dinner. It'll be quiet, but it'll be nice to not have to lie to myself and everybody else. Second wedding anniversary? For some weird reason I thought you'd been in it longer. I'm so happy you figured this crap out a lot sooner than many of the rest of us. Still young enough to bounce right back and didn't let 20 years go by like me. The weekend after our anniversary, we went to the mountains for a long weekend (I've talked about it in another post here somewhere). Based on everything that had happened before, and because of that weekend, I started looking into sexless marriages as soon as we returned home. The next day, I found my way here.
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Post by cagedtiger on May 15, 2017 10:30:08 GMT -5
Tomorrow is our second wedding anniversary.
Today, Facebook reminded me via Timehop that a year ago tonight I was at a concert with three of my closest friends, and she wasn't present (again). My journal tells me that I had a blast, but hated that once again I was having fun without her. It also reminded that we'd been sexless for just under five months by that point, and I'd already started having serious thoughts that maybe this wasn't going to last.
I remember putting off shopping for her anniversary present and card for as long as possible, and spending half an hour in a Hallmark store, trying to find a card that would've have been an utter lie about how the marriage had gone thus far, and my feelings about us and her. I remember dreading the following day, even as I posted pictures from our wedding to my various social media outlets.
This year, I'm not even planning on talking to her, if I can avoid it. I'll probably go check out a couple of apartment rentals, go work out with friends, and maybe meet a friend or two for dinner.
It'll be quiet, but it'll be nice to not have to lie to myself and everybody else.
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Post by cagedtiger on May 13, 2017 7:33:59 GMT -5
Wow... A year? And that's expedited? What locale do you live in that would needlessly inflict that kind of pain on you, your kids, and even your husband. Not saying Texas is perfect, but I think their 60 day waiting period (to cool off if necessary) strikes the right balance between making sure people don't rush into things and getting on with it. But a serious tip of the hat for getting things started! North Carolina is one of those "compassionate conservative" locales; I guess we should be thankful though - the last governor wanted to make it a two year minimum separation. TMD, does it still count living in separate bedrooms if you're still at the same address?
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Post by cagedtiger on May 12, 2017 14:28:07 GMT -5
Hope the new move to the apartment went well. I just moved into mine about 3 weeks ago . . . I have not unpacked my books yet. Too busy with new life I aint got time to read. Glad for your new life, and Zip code therapy!! I have to take a different approach to books. If i'm doing that much reading I am sitting still to long. I did a lot of painting for years. An hour here and there. I had something to show for it, and I kept improving my skill, while trying harder subjects. I do have three or four books that I read two or three times. I quote them. They are self help books to get me through the divorce. Our house is cluttered with books. It's looking at how many of them are homeschool books, and books that my wife owns. About 100 to 1 ratio. While I am the one with the lawn equipment, surfboards, boogie boards, diving gear, tools for home repair, cooking supplies, art supplies. Much more active hands on stuff. Just a testimony about our differences. When the move happens, so much of the clutter will remain behind. Including books that have not been moved for over a decade. Music and movie DVD's of my w's again , a 100 to 1 ratio. The listening to music of my choice was quickly put to rest by my W's bombardment of her choice of music, played loudly over the entire house. More control. The kids shut doors and put on head phones. Another showing of lack of respect for others choices. Compromise rarely existed in our relationship. It survived by me caving. That was considered compromise. I can only look forward to what the future brings. If I meet someone who claims to be a book freak or a book nut, I will do my best to ask questions,and remain open minded. Yet that part of my thinking feels like it's been damaged. I hope this helps anyone else who can relate. This speaks to me so much. I have crates of books and CD's, shelves of camping gear, coolers, bike parts and accessories, workout equipment, car parts, tools, foul weather gear, and of course all my kitchen gadgets. All her stuff will be the TV 's, most of the DVD's, pretty much all the decorations, and all the organized storage containers. Like you, my stuff is more geared to being active and doing things (though I love bringing a book in my pack on hikes or camping trips, and laying in my hammock in the sun, reading, after a full day's hike). The kitchen gadgets will be for when I can start having dinner parties with friends again (or cooking breakfast for, ah, company staying over). I've really, really missed having music in the house. Any time the wife left I'd start playing what I wanted to listen to, as an absolutely silent house would drive me nuts. I can't wait to be able to play my own music again, when I want to, where I want to.
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Post by cagedtiger on May 5, 2017 20:12:01 GMT -5
For me or lyn , or both of us, cagedtiger ? Is it about kids at coachella? It's about the time I took my soon to be ex to Coachella. It was the year Outkast, Pharrell, Nas, Arcade Fire, and Beck headlined. This was the year before at got married, but we were engaged at the time. I paid for the passes for the both of us for the second weekend, the plane tickets to San Diego, the rental car, and most of our camping gear (since she'd never camped before). I had purposely timed our flights so we had an extra day in town to catch up with friends and introduce her to other friends she hadn't met before we headed to Indio, and another day to recover before we flew out again. We got into SD, and she begged just to go to the hotel to nap quick before we went out to meet friends, then asked me to get her Mexican takeout, and we'd go out after that. Went and got the food, she was full asleep and didn't even wake up to eat. Ok, I can understand being tired from the flight... Most of that next day was ok, drove up with plenty of time to set up camp before the Friday sets started, but then I had to practically drag her in before Outkast started their set, and she wanted to hang way, way, way back at the edges of the crowd. After their set she went back to the tent and was asleep by the time I got back a few hours and several artists later. Saturday morning I got texts from several old friends who wanted to meet up, catch up, and meet the fiancee, and I had to beg off all of them because she wasn't feeling social. I don't even want to start thinking about all the bands who's sets we skipped because she wasn't feeling well. Finally, she ended up bailing completely before Pharrell's set, and once again I ended up seeing the rest of the bands that night by myself. Sunday morning she told me she couldn't stay and begged me to let us leave. So we missed all the artists Sunday and drove back to San Diego. Hung out by the beach until our flight back late Monday. Oh, and I didn't get so much as a peck in the cheek the whole trip. Never. Again.
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Post by cagedtiger on May 5, 2017 16:21:13 GMT -5
My almost 13 year old announced yesterday that she wants to go to Coachella. Uh... not sure she knows it's a plane ride away. And probably not her age group. ;-) Everyone should go to Coachella at least once! At 13, mom and/or dad need to be firmly attached lol. It is a crazy mass of fun - 3 days straight. This is the first Coachella Fest I've missed in years - so yes, longing for someone or something. I do think, however, the Calgary lyrics can be interpreted so many ways. Brilliantly written for sure. 😉 I have a story for you, about the last time I went but that's for a different thread.
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Post by cagedtiger on May 5, 2017 14:12:37 GMT -5
To quote the warrior-poet Akon, "doesn't matter, had sex." From all accounts, he should know what's coming by now, a mile away- ESPECIALLY after family members have flat out told him you're leaving. I personally see nothing wrong with one last (potential) orgasm, if you're so inclined. I know in my case, even if my wife had been up for it, I'd quite honestly become so disgusted with the thought of sex with her that I wouldn't have gone along anyway. As long as you don't feel the same way, I'd say go for it. Yeah, it's not going to happen. I'm no longer attracted to him for one. And you're right CT, I do believe that he knows what's coming - I mean, how couldn't he? He has been warned and warned and warned again. I think this was just a passing thought - the whole accepting the reset sex thing - the idea probably had/has very little to do with the actual act of sex. I think in the long (and short) run, that will be the best decision. Maybe when you make your move he'll also be more willing to play ball if he's not hanging in to some last hope, based off something that happened that in your opinion was just a one - off thing. Pulling for you as the time grows closer for you to make your move.
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Post by cagedtiger on May 5, 2017 8:40:03 GMT -5
hopingforachangeI haven't tried that, but... sometimes I did let him buy me clothes and shoes he likes, I let my hair grow long, wore bright red lipstick and sexy lacy lingeries etc. just to please him. Everything met his taste. Aaah... Can't believe I did all that. And I still ended up here. Ah, the bacon - scented candles. You're not alone - we've all done that, and here we are as well. Being married means you try and try, everything you possibly think you can. Part of the heartbreak of our situations is the fact that all our efforts so often go unacknowledged. That's where the resentment starts.
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Post by cagedtiger on May 5, 2017 8:12:18 GMT -5
My wife had that act down pat. While all our somewhat close friends are shocked by my "sudden" and "inexplicable" actions (because we're so cute together, we've gotta be meant to be), my closest, oldest friends and my closest sibling saw through it a long time ago. Then again, our mutual friends really only knew "us," whereas my closest circle knew and were looking for "me." and they weren't seeing that me in the relationship. Problem for me is that I spent so much time and effort trying to make "us" work, my relationships with other people have faded away. I never felt close with my own family anyway for a multitude of reasons. The few friends that I had before I got married have moved on with their own lives. They all have families of their own and I haven't been in touch with most of them in years. Notice how I word this: OUR friends are the only friends WE ever see anymore and they only know us as an "us". I'm going to have to relearn how to make friends all over again. I understand completely - I went through a lot of this as well. I was extremely lucky that my closest friends sensed that things were at least slightly amiss, and when I reached out to reinitiate contact, they were only too happy to bring me back into their lives. I'd say try reaching out - you might be pleasantly surprised.
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