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Post by Isabellas39 on Sept 15, 2017 9:19:26 GMT -5
Congrats Nancy ! This is a great update, and I smiled at the line "I have a couple of regular lovers".. Wishing you the very best going forward!
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Post by Isabellas39 on Sept 13, 2017 9:07:45 GMT -5
So, if I put into the dating service "50 something overweight bearded man seeks fairly attractive woman for sexual partner. Let's try one night together and see if we click," I will get lots of responses, right? Lol You may ! There are a few women that want just that, but IMO honesty is the best way to go...Why lie about what you're looking for? You'll just be wasting everyone's time including yours. I will definitely agree with you Caris,that some men in their 50's look as if they're close to 70. I also can't stand it when men agree say they're seeking the same thing, agree that conversation and connection are important only to find out a few weeks down the line they were just full of shit because they act too damn busy to even send a quick text...
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Post by Isabellas39 on Aug 25, 2017 8:50:39 GMT -5
In my opinion 4 years is a damn long time,and can easily turn into 10. The things that are working for you are you're employed, and no kids are involved. I would agree with all who said you need to discuss how dire this situation is with your husband. Wanting a passionate and loving marriage isn't selfish at all.. If he doesn't see an issue then there's a big problem because one person can't fix a marriage,it takes both. This is definitely the time to think long and hard about your choices, and choose what's best for you without adding kids into the mix.
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Post by Isabellas39 on Aug 22, 2017 9:10:38 GMT -5
I took my rings off years ago during a heated debate about the importance of sex in a marriage. I told him since I don't feel married, I don't need to wear my rings any longer. It now sits in a draw somewhere.
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Post by Isabellas39 on Aug 1, 2017 9:02:46 GMT -5
Missouri
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Post by Isabellas39 on Jun 29, 2017 15:30:35 GMT -5
I think it's quite normal to become a counter refuser after dealing with a SM for some time. I started doing that when I realized nothing was ever going to change regardless of how many times we discussed the issue. I just couldn't handle being loving to someone that I know would never love me the way I need him to.. I believe it's a way of saving one's sanity..
I believe in the straight talk method. I don't like burying my feelings, so I couldn't allow my spouse to think all is well when it's not. However, you had your reasons for why you responded that way. When you finally tell her your concerns she may act shocked because only a few weeks ago you told her all was great, and the reason for your mood had nothing to do with her.
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Post by Isabellas39 on Jun 5, 2017 18:47:07 GMT -5
Congrats bball!! You already know that reading your posts inspires me, and I'm very happy to read of your accomplishments since the divorce. Apart from the more sex part, you're living life on your terms and that's what it's all about ! 🎉🍸
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Post by Isabellas39 on May 26, 2017 8:12:45 GMT -5
Interesting topic and well timed ! I have a very hard time trusting, so I hate it when people lie to me. In my opinion if someone can lie about small, insignificant things then how can I trust their word on anything significant? I am not saying that we will all be completely honest all of the time, but I really believe it's all about context. A white lie to protect someone's feelings is fine to some extent. If I don't look good in an outfit, I would prefer to be told. If someone is interested in dating many then don't tell me you're looking for one special woman. This is the shit that can drive me to crazy town.
I think this is why I have such a damn hard time in general !
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Post by Isabellas39 on May 8, 2017 7:24:31 GMT -5
Reading stories like these makes me see the light at the end of the tunnel. It gives great hope! You don't need to tone anything down because if you can't be you here then what's the point ?
Keep sharing because one thing that many of us still in our ILIASM shithole have in common is fear that we will end up alone. I've said it many times that I have no interest in being married again. I have doubts as to whether I can fully trust another to have a happy and normal relationship, however, stories like this helps more than you know.
Heck, I want to read the dating stories of those who escaped and are trying to find their happiness. It's all very relevant and thank you for sticking around and sharing with us all...
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Post by Isabellas39 on Apr 1, 2017 15:00:07 GMT -5
Wishing the very best going forward ! Soon you'll be free from tha shackles of a SM, and free to find the type of love that makes you happy..
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Post by Isabellas39 on Feb 14, 2017 19:49:53 GMT -5
I am honestly typing this at a very bad time because today I feel like a raging lunatic. Please forgive me if I don't respond to all comments, sometimes just reading them is enough to help me get back on track. I am so very frustrated right now, and I honestly don't know why. Maybe it's because Valentine's Day is around the corner and that pisses me off a bit? Maybe it's because I would like to actually have a partner I can share a few romantic moments with ? Heck, I hope this is the right section for this topic. I wanted to know from those that are outsourcing, or dating what are some red flags you look for? Ladies, would you outsource with a pastor who confessed to masturbating and watching porn three times a week ( I didn't know he was a pastor when we first started chatting lol) ? Of course he says his wife rejects his advances most times, and then says that they shower almost every day together. Isn't that intimate ? Why is it that I have a hard time believing a refuser would get naked in the shower with her spouse ? I have such a hard time figuring out outsourcing. I have done it before, but trust was so hard and it still is. How do you overcome that ? How long do you talk to someone before meeting ? Do you then wait a few months before intimacy ? I just want to have a general idea about what is expected . Bball, how do I get some of your confidence ? Thanks all in advance Isabella, I'm a little late seeing your post and I understand how you are a little emotional around Valentine's Day. It's one day and it will pass but I get it. As far as the pastor, I agree with baza if all you want is just some sex then he can get a tryout but if he doesn't rock your world then once is enough. As far as the pastor viewing porn, that doesn't bother me as much as the take a shower everyday together - that's weird!! Something with this makes him seem like he's lying so that would make me question fucking him. However, Are you attracted to him? Do YOU want to fuck him? Are you curious about his skills? If so go for it! Try him out! I don't see sex as such a sacred thing anymore so if I want to have sex with someone then I do. To answer your questions: I have such a hard time figuring out outsourcing. I have done it before, but trust was so hard and it still is. How do you overcome that ? At first I don't trust anyone. If I met a man I made them give me their full name and a picture of their car tag, or if I met them in public I would get there early and once they got out of the car I texted their tag to someone I know that's a cop and knew I was outsourcing. The good news most people aren't crazy killers. However different people outsource for different reasons. One man I had sex with one time while I was married, he had sex with his wife 2 or 3 times a month but very vanilla. So I had sex with him the one time and found him to be very vanilla. How long do you talk to someone before meeting ? I want to meet them within a week or two. Why keep talking and chatting if it's not going to go anywhere. I meet somewhere public for a cup of coffee. If I'm attracted to them then I'll kiss them. With my FWB, we made out in his car and I came 4 times. Do you then wait a few months before intimacy ? For outsourcing, a FWB - absolutely not. The purpose of the relationship is sex. I just want to have a general idea about what is expected . Bball, how do I get some of your confidence ? Honey you have no reason NOT to be confident. You are so beautiful! I could remember my FWB when I first met him telling me to wear whatever made me feel sexy. I think that pov is a good one. Wear what you want for YOU! Do things that you want for YOU! As far as my looks, my body, etc. - I have the attitude take it or leave it. Some men are attracted to a full figured woman and some men aren't. It's no sweat off my back if a man isn't attracted to me, I prefer honesty and rejection up front from the start so I don't waste any more of my time on the wrong man. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I also see my self worth and I know what I have to offer a future relationship, so I won't settle. With dating - lots of losers out there, at least on the dating apps. Outsourcing - Just a fun thing and it helps with the self confidence. Part of the self confidence is mind over matter. Look at yourself in the mirror and see yourself as beautiful and not give a crap what anyone else thinks. If you want sex then have it! It might be great, it might suck, but if you don't try you will never know. Thanks bball, I have always wondered what the standards are for meeting someone, and how long should one wait to meet. Men have different ideas of what an affair is, and I certainly agree that it should be fun and not an extra headache. I believe through conversation a person can reveal so much about themselves. He did not reveal all his truths right away, and he said he didn't want to feel judged. After I found out his profession I realized why he said that, and like most I was surprised by some of the revelations. Rebuilding my self confidence is definitely a journey, and thank you for the pointers..
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Post by Isabellas39 on Feb 14, 2017 19:31:59 GMT -5
Isabellas39 , you've gotten some great advice so I won't add to that, but I did want to weigh in on the pastor who watches porn. I call BS on that one. Either, he is a terrible pastor with little to no relationship with God or he is no pastor at all. From what I have seen, the church comes down on porn. It ruins relationships. Ruins men (maybe some women too) for sexual relationships with real people. That might e seen as a bit hard line here (I don't judge folks who like their porn), but I do think any church worth its salt would say no to it. I'm surprised he'd ad mit that he was a pastor that's why I suspect he's lying about that. If he's a pastor, he'd be ashamed to admit that. And second, I agree with greatcoastal, value yourself first in all of these relationships. You are to be cherished and respected. If someone doesn't seem to be offering that, run quickly. It may be that you can't get the respect you deserve in one of these outsourcing gigs. Just consider it. And don't forget your exit plan! I hope you can make one this year! He is a pastor, and he didn't really reveal that part. I did do a little googling and found out then asked him about it. I do believe that we all find ways to escape our SM's, and it doesn't matter our profession. That was revealed when they hacked Ashley Madison. I think being a pastor does add an extra layer to the deception, but I really can't judge because I am also deceiving. I was very shocked to learn about the showering together part, and how often he watched porn and masturbated. However, based on some responses I've learned that not all marriages with intimacy issues involves a partner that hides their body. I am definitely working on that exit plan !
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Post by Isabellas39 on Feb 13, 2017 10:49:49 GMT -5
TBH what you describe has got to have been infinitely worse that not showering together at all. It actually seems really cruel. It's like a teen fondle under the sweater to get you all hot and bothered, followed by a slap to the wrist if you try to move south. Just an example of a bait-n-switch in the morning, and then excuses, and more manipulation in the evening. It gives a false hope, along with a false trust. The pastor could be going through the same thing, it's possible. Wow, in these type marriages it truly messes with one's mind. I can't understand why anyone would do that, and why would you allow it ? I think the first few times you would be baffled, but if it happens often then wouldn't you simply get out of the shower when she tries to join ? It seems like such a cruel thing to do IMO. I stopped sleeping in the same bed as my husband because he enjoyed cuddling, but that's as far as it would ever go. After letting him know how the lack of intimacy made me feel with zero changes, I eventually moved to my own room. I have zero interest in being tortured.
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Post by Isabellas39 on Feb 12, 2017 15:35:53 GMT -5
And I know each relationship is unique in its own way and I can only supply anecdotal tidbits from my experience. But an SM can have a range of intimacy issues. My W and I were in the hot tub a few minutes ago, we were naked. We are naked around each other every day and have been snice day one. Being comfortable in our skin and with our bodies does not translate to sexual desire, at least for her. Those low libido partners who hide their bodies from their partner have other mental issues. Of course, being naked and sexually playful is ideal. It's not so much the nakedness ie hot tub, walking around, it's the shower situation I am incredulous of. Why would anyone shower together unless it was sexual? Perhaps it's just my inverted naivety, but unless you have a huge shower with 2 shower heads I fail to see the point of both being in there together. Who follows who in and who soaps who all over? If you don't then why not wait for the shower to become free. It's the logistics that I can't get my head round. For me sharing a shower has ALWAYS been a sexual situation, or at the very least a precursor to one. For me the shower indicates an intimacy that a hot tub( fun as that might be Jim 😀) doesn't. Maybe it's just me though. 🤔 Jim, I would be suspicious about the hot tub too because I see it as intimate. I guess I always assumed that refusers would avoid such situations. Seabreeze, those were my thoughts also . He says they did that from the start of their relationship,so it's something that's routine.
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Post by Isabellas39 on Feb 12, 2017 15:30:37 GMT -5
Perhaps you need to really examine what you are seeking Sister Isabellas39. Are you just after a fuck (ie FWB) ? Are you actually looking for a new primary relationship (ie a life partner) ? Are you looking for a bit of fun that might possibly develop into a new primary relationship (ie a possible life partner) ? See, if you are just after a fuck, this Pastor who twangs off 3 times a week to porn seems like as good a candidate as any, as long as he is good enough in bed for you. For that matter, he could be a closet satanist and it wouldn't matter. As long as he can deliver a high quality rogering to you, he meets the criteria to play a role as a FWB. If however you are looking for a life partner, then his proclivity for solo sex 3 times a week sends warning klaxons off everywhere that he would be a less than ideal life partner. Likewise it would make him totally unsuitable for the "bit of fun that might lead somewhere" scenario. Where that would lead - I think - is straight into the ditch. This bullshit about his co-showering but refusive missus lacks any credibility at all. Chances are that as well as a twang off artist, he is also a liar. Feeling for you Sister Isabellas, this dating caper is a minefield - and a subject I have no recent experience at (and a further disclaimer is that I was rotten at dating back in the day anyway). But essentially, I think that you need to define what you are looking for. Many people are appropriate to fuck, if all you want is a fuck. The Pastor for example. But if you are looking for a candidate with a view to a primary relationship, then the Pastor and his ilk effectively rule themselves out. And, of course there remains the inconvenient matter of ending the existing dysfunctional deal one is in before getting too deep into a new deal. I want someone that I can be friends with, and have intimacy . I am not expecting it to turn into a primary relationship, but I definitely want more than just sex.
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