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Post by Isabellas39 on Dec 6, 2023 7:42:44 GMT -5
I was fortunate in not being in a SM for very long, just a couple years. I might still be married to my X if she had agreed to my having a FWB and if I was able to find one. My X is not a bad person. She simply has no interest in sex with me or anyone else. You are correct in that finding a good match for intimacy is often difficult. I have had so many disappointments when it comes to women. So many women are just flirting and seeking valadation they are still attractive. But the reality is they have no intention of actually entering into a relationship that involves sex. At best most just want a platonic friendship. Men are not the only ones who lie. I have been fortunate in finding a couple long term relationships and the intimacy and sex have been great. I am just starting another relationship and it seems to have promise. The sex is already good. Read your old posts and theams....Seems your H is OK with a "don't ask, don't" tell approach to your outsourcing. That is good for you going forward. And if I read and analysised it correctly, you are looking for a long term AP. You children are grown and away from home for extended periods so meeting someone for a weekend getaway at a B&B where you could have those shared dating and trust and memories building times seems doable. Now you just need to put yourself out there to find the right guy. I would suggest someone currently divorced or single(widowed). I think the burden of finding such a person is going to be on you. Waiting for them to find you might take a really long time. You might try something like Meet Up, where you join others in activities you like to do. You are the perfect age for many of the activities i see at that site. And you might make friends with some of the women who have male friends or work colleges that are single and available. If you live in an urban setting there is probably a Recreation Center that has activites like pickleball or possibly gaming like majong ternaments. Put yourself in an environment where ou are likely to meet people who have something in common or are wishing to meet or bring new people into their lives. Other members may have better suggestions. Good luck... Congrats on getting out and not staying stuck for longer. He would turn a blind eye in the past, but it didn’t stop me from feeling like i was doing something sleazy.Trying to find quality men when outsourcing is a task, and it plays with your head in many ways. Most of all, it’s upsetting to know that as a married woman I have to endure this ridiculousness because supposedly my husband has no desire for sex. However,I like your suggestions and maybe I’ll try to get out and meet new people in 2024.
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Post by Isabellas39 on Dec 6, 2023 7:35:42 GMT -5
@isabellas39, when I think about these kinds of situations and my own deal, I like to start with the truth, and the notion that two or more things can be true at the same time. It could be true that your partner is a good person, and also true that he loves you in his way. There are many ways to love a person. It's also true that not all people who love each other should be married, or would be suitable married partners. If it were so - if love was enough - you would marry the first person you fall in love with. It's true that you cry for days. It's true that you miss intimacy (do you miss it with your husband now, though, knowing he doesn't want it with you?). It's true that you aren't romantic partners, and that you have given up on this. You don't share a unique sexual attraction. It's true that you are living as separate people. You don't share a bed and you live or have lived in separate dwellings and geographies (this is similar to situations in which some separated couples live). It's true that you had a wedding. When you think of that wedding and what you both agreed a marriage is (a marriage, as opposed to a wedding ceremony), do you have what you both would agree a marriage is? What differentiates your partnership from, say, amicable ex-spouses? Do you have a marriage, really? I miss intimacy in general. I’ve given up on having an intimate type relationship with my husband, therefore,I have no desire to rekindle anything.I believe we have a friendship not a real *marriage”. He once said he wanted companionship, so maybe he has what he wants. I agree we have a marriage in name only. I never thought that as a married woman I would then live a sexless life.
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Post by Isabellas39 on Dec 3, 2023 8:34:58 GMT -5
I am a long time member who migrated from the old EP site. I have been married for almost 22 years. My son will be 21 next year, so the excuse of staying for the kids is gone. My husband is retired(60) and I am 46. We spend everyday doing things together like friends. There has been zero sex in my marriage for over 15 years. I did outsource at one point but since moving to a new state five years ago, I haven’t ventured out. It is difficult because my husband isn’t a terrible person, he’s a good friend. He’s constantly saying I love you and kisses me on the cheek. It’s baffling to me. I started sleeping in my own room long ago and stopped debating the sexless issue with him. I honestly feel like I’m stuck in this loop, and can’t decide on the best course of action.
Outsourcing as an option was ok, but there are so many liars that it turns me off at times. I dread searching and trying to decipher those who are sincere or just game playing. It’s frustrating and angers me that I even have to be in that situation. I miss intimacy so much at times that I can cry about it for days. I just feel stuck…
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Post by Isabellas39 on Dec 3, 2023 8:17:37 GMT -5
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Post by Isabellas39 on Nov 4, 2023 2:55:02 GMT -5
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Post by Isabellas39 on Aug 16, 2021 23:06:44 GMT -5
Today is our 19th anniversary, and sex has been nonexistent for over 10 years. Our son is now 18 and starts college soon, yet my college plan is the same as it was when I joined this group ages ago. Are you prepared to execute your college plan when your son starts his adult life? That’s the problem as Baza rightly pointed out…I have no real plan. Throughout the years I have managed to not dwell, but then there are times where it’s overwhelming.
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Post by Isabellas39 on Aug 10, 2021 6:38:22 GMT -5
Today is our 19th anniversary, and sex has been nonexistent for over 10 years. Our son is now 18 and starts college soon, yet my college plan is the same as it was when I joined this group ages ago.
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Post by Isabellas39 on Sept 22, 2018 7:20:02 GMT -5
DTR, Happy Belated Birthday ! I think your husband is very inconsiderate. My husband acknowledges every birthday and holidays etc. He's definitely thoughtful on that front. It's why I say we are more friends than anything else.
Birthday sex I honestly can't remember anymore. Maybe in the very early part of the marriage, it definitely hasn't happened in the last 10 years..Crazy world we live in !
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Post by Isabellas39 on Sept 22, 2018 6:26:51 GMT -5
GC, I always summed up the bullshit I encountered on AM as something specific to the outsourcing environment. However, after reading your stories I think maybe I forgot how bad the dating world was when I was single? I think the negative experiences can truly change the way we view others, so we have to be careful. I find it all difficult, and I am very happy for those who found someone special.
We moved a few months ago and I am looking at a completely sexless life. When I allow myself to dwell, the scariest part is knowing that continuing down this path means many more nights sleeping alone, and all that entails. I am just tired of being stuck ! Anyway, not high jacking the thread, but I just wanted those who haven't outsourced to know that it's not all sex and fun times.
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Post by Isabellas39 on Sept 17, 2018 22:56:10 GMT -5
Dan, thanks for the song 👍🙂..I did realize early on that I had to do the same screening like I did when I was single. However ,some men believe that in this arena you can play foolish games and not get caught. Many say they want just one person, then you find out that they want a buffet of women. What's funny is men say they don't want drama, yet they're always trying to use the L word as if it's the key to getting what they want faster. They bring drama because they refuse to be honest about their needs.
GC, I am trying my best to keep an open mind and not view all men as dishonest. You are right NSA doesn't fill my need to feel connected .
Handy, I haven't met anyone in a sexless marriage that didn't love their wife.. I don't really expect anyone to say anything negative about their spouse, but claiming love while having a continuous string of affairs is just a bit strange. Heck, I bet their wives would be shocked to know their husbands are supposedly miserable in the marriage.
I think the dishonesty is what gets me the most. These guys are not only lying to their wives, they lie to their APs too about what they are seeking. I would have zero issue if someone said they were not looking for anything exclusive, but the unnecessary lies is just too much.
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Post by Isabellas39 on Sept 16, 2018 7:23:15 GMT -5
I have outsourced twice, and I can't say that I regretted it. I also can't tout the great benefits either. Did I get sex? Yes, I sure did but that was the easy part. For me the realization that many men in this setting do not mean shit they say truly added another layer of frustration to my life.Reading profiles and talking to men that professed the love they had for their wives, while at the same time they're on affair 99 was an eye opener . Some men on AM had girlfriends for crying out loud. This path changed my view on relationships in a very negative way.
Trust was already difficult, but this made it even worse. The thing is the why was and is very important to me. When you ask men why they're cheating they almost always claim a sexless marriage yet they love their wives, and talk about how great she is. Heck, one renewed vows and planned on adopting a child all while wanting to keep seeing me. I was freaking horrified because that type of deception IMO was insane. Too many lies involved in affairs, and I have reached the conclusion I will never find what I need following this path. I would have to change my needs to just sex if this path is to work going forward. Therefore, I am down to just two options.
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Post by Isabellas39 on Jul 6, 2018 0:40:02 GMT -5
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Post by Isabellas39 on Jun 15, 2018 11:57:47 GMT -5
[quote author=" shamwow " Getting past that burning resentment is something I never was able to do, and a tip of my hat to those who can. I think those who have the fortitude to push through the difficulties they face and seek a brighter future beyond here shame any notion of nobility in the marytdom of staying. They're probably better/stronger people than me. Or at least thats how I feel about it. [/quote] I believe this as well ! I have accepted my situation,but there are times that I long for something real. My reasons for staying used to be for my son,but I realize that there's more to it. I believe fear keeps me here also, and until I deal with that I will remain in this twilight zone.
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Post by Isabellas39 on Jun 15, 2018 11:40:38 GMT -5
I believe that I have accepted the reality of my situation. I don't expect sex to ever return, and it means I don't ask. However, I can't say that it has brought me some eternal serenity because there are times I miss all the things a real relationship includes. We recently moved and one thought that went through my head was the last house saw zero sexual activity,same with the last house and I expect the same here.
Being married yet living as if you're single is hard, and it sometimes floods me with negative emotions regardless of my acceptance. We are friendly, and we can laugh and do things together . Recently, I asked him if he doesn't miss the simple things like passionate kisses and that was an interesting conversation. I genuinely wanted to know because I don't understand how anyone can be happy without any intimacy. Did I outsource ? Hell yes, but it was a bandaid because that too has its own drama and can't replace a *real* relationship where I get to sleep next to someone that truly desires me.
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Post by Isabellas39 on Oct 4, 2017 13:40:11 GMT -5
I have ED and I feel like less than a man if I use only my mouth and hands, so I will use nothing. Viagra and other type pills give me a headache, so that's not an option. He must not be attracted to me anymore because of my weight. He must have gotten turned off because we fought so much during the start of our marriage. He must have lost attraction for me because he was in the delivery room, and all this shit started after I had my son. I must truly suck in bed. I must not deserve love that includes great sex for some unknown reason, maybe I am not pretty enough..
I think that's all the why's I've heard or thought of.
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