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Post by RumRunner on May 18, 2016 13:12:15 GMT -5
For me, I am not sure if it is purgatory or just a very very dark place, I am not feeling any "fire" within me anymore. If there was a sexual heaven, then certainly I wouldn't deserve to be there..... I feel like that I deserve to be where I am at. That is how I feel, and there is no changing it. After more than 15 years of no sex at all, if she was to offer any sex now I would say no. It wouldn't feel right after all this time. I guess that makes me the refuser then huh?
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Post by RumRunner on May 17, 2016 15:08:57 GMT -5
Actually, I don't know in which kind of world you live in Chatter Fox but in my world, my advice is: Man abused? Man up and LEAVE! In my experience though, there's nothing one can say, or advice one can give, to challenge the thinking of those who have already decided that they want to continue to "live" with said abuse. It is something that I'm still trying to wrap my mind around (unsuccessfully though, still remains a huge mystery...)There's two hypotheses: 1. the situation with their partners is not as "bad" as they make it to be; 2. they must have some deep psychological trauma that makes them want to prefer to live with the pain. Don't forget the damage done to one's self-esteem by living in an abusive situation. That alone can keep you in it for much, much longer. In my case, living with a manipulator, he caused me to doubt myself - to wonder if I even remembered correctly. Because he's a liar. Let's just call it what it is. He will deny things he has done in the past - to my face, things he did to me, things he said to me. At first, and for years, I thought maybe I was just mistaken - it's true I don't have the greatest memory. He even once lied about when we had sex - it had been 6 months and he told me we'd had sex 3 months prior, he named the month and I KNEW he was lying. Kinda hard to forget when you had sex when you get it so rarely. Yes, he would even lie about that. But now, my eyes are wide open. It can take years in an abusive relationship to get to a place where you are seeing it for what it is and not just taking your partner's word for it. Honestly, for the first 10 years, I really, truly believed it was all my fault just like he told me it was. I was raised to fight fair, to be a decent person, and to apologize if you hurt someone and to always, always learn from your mistakes and do better next time. He had me convinced that I wasn't being a good wife. So, I worked like heck to be a better wife. I finally started wising up when I discovered (after several self-improvement cycles) that he was an asshole no matter what I did. It did NOT matter how thin or how blond I was, how sweet and deferential I was, how well I kept the house or how awesome I was in the kitchen (can't say the bedroom because he's libido-free). Once I figured that out, I knew he was part of the problem. Maybe he's most of the problem. My part in this is having allowed it for soooo long. And now, thanks to ILIASM forum, I hope I'm on top of it and on my way out. I've got some more time to put in (though this is shifting in my mind over the last few days and might be sooner rather than later), but I am beginning to see the light at the end of this dark, dark tunnel. And I've gone back to my natural color. PINK!! Never mess with a pinkhead - isn't that what they say?? Sounds like to me you are married to a narcissist. I am glad that you no longer blame yourself for his faults. You deserve so much better than that, there is no excuse for mental abuse either.... Go Pinky!!!
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Post by RumRunner on May 17, 2016 15:00:38 GMT -5
Finally! Something that simply nailed it for me! *huge sigh of relief* I needed to stumble on this today. shrink4men.wordpress.com/2009/01/30/10-signs-your-girlfriend-or-wife-is-an-emotional-bully/comment-page-2/I am by no means trying to diminish the pain of abused women when I say this, but us men have a bit of a different struggle as the recipient of abuse. It's not worse than a woman's story. It's just different. Our struggle is that, in our society, women are "supposed" to be emotional and men are "supposed" to be able to handle it. It is hard for a man to admit to being emotionally abused and women that are the perpetrators know just where to draw the line so they can claim that they are a normal woman and we are simply weak. What starts to hapen is this odd covert and manipulative mind fuck of a game. Even self help books keep the societal wheels churning. Case in point? The book, No More Mr.Nice Guy. Ever read it? In my opinion, it simply dismisses abusive behavior towards men and places the burden of change solely on the man. Again, not to diminish women's difficulty in abusive relationships, but what I typically see is this. Woman abused? Advice is to leave. Man is abused? Advice is to man up. I think men should be given the same advice under the same circumstances. Somehow though, us men are expected to grin and bear it or feel as though we are weak and a failure as a man because we couldn't "keep her in line". I don't know about you, but I don't want a woman that needs to be reminded that it's not ok to be abusive. I feel I deserve a woman that simply treats me kind. ...because that's how I treat her. Sadly, most of us men in these emotionally abusive relationships buy into these societal double standards....me included. Finally, an article that calls out abusive women for being abusive. This shit is simply what it is ... abuse. ...and men should be able to feel justified in walking just as easily as women in the same exact situation. I know of women like this, and thank God my wife is not one of them! With her, it is just the refusal of sex and affection so #8 #9 and #10 would apply. The way my step mother-in-law treats her husband, every one of these apply! She hates me because I confront her about it and that is one woman I have no respect for whatsoever. There is never any excuse for anyone to abuse anybody. I would never tell you to "man up" and take it... I would tell you to "get out", the same as I would to a woman if she was abused. To stay in that environment damages to your emotional health and well being, life is too short to be miserable. Wishing you and anyone else who is abused like this the strength and a path forward to happier life.....
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Post by RumRunner on May 16, 2016 15:44:23 GMT -5
Medical science has made an alarming breakthrough! Your junk can now be treated like that dog people have to give away because they don't have the ability to give it the attention it needs. A refusers dream come trueYour refusing spouse will fall in love with you all over again if you do this amazing act of kindness! I just wonder what the tax write-off would be.... I can see the ad now... "used but like new condition, only used a few times. " should be able to get top dollar!!!
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Post by RumRunner on May 15, 2016 22:34:43 GMT -5
I know you have found me on this site. This is the place where I like to write. Enjoy. Most of it should not be a surprise to you. I have found some wonderful friends here who understand the way I feel and don't consider me crazy for wanting a bit of happiness and intimacy. For wanting to do the things that suit me and make me feel good. For longing for affection. For longing for a bit of freedom. For longing for new experiences. For longing for getting rid of constantly being watched and controlled. For wanting to be myself! It is perfectly fine for me that you want to be yourself too. But you and I can not be both ourselves in the same house. I have told you many times before I want to leave. I am willing to do it as reasonable as possible. And not necessarily right away. Unless you make me want to leave immediately. Good for you tamara68... stand up for yourself and most of all be happy....
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Post by RumRunner on May 15, 2016 22:14:53 GMT -5
The cold responses and ignorant comments really blows me away!!!!! I think it really describes the coldness many people have today..... I am glad this is a much better and sympathetic group than that. One of the comments: "The vast majority of men visit sex workers so she needn't worry too much about him and as the years roll by and her children grow up she'll take better care of herself, be less exhausted and start feeling sexy again." <---- This is so degrading and insulting, and obviously not true. Ignorance such as this really makes me angry.
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Post by RumRunner on May 15, 2016 22:02:58 GMT -5
I've been on other sites and was on EP, but the atmosphere the Admins and Mods have created here is so positive, supportive, empathetic and FUN!! Thank you to everyone - members and Admins for making ILIASM a safe, soft place to fall, commiserate and regroup. Hugs to all y'all and big 'ol smooches!! Z I think of all the sites that I have joined and been a member of, I think I like the organization here better than any I have seen before. At least the site has its own home and is not bothered with outsiders and trolls like it was on EP. Perhaps this group should have left EP long before now.....
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Post by RumRunner on May 12, 2016 19:53:34 GMT -5
Hall and Oates - Out of Touch
There are a couple of lyrics in the song that I can relate to. "Reaching out for something to hold Looking for a love where the climate is cold"
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Post by RumRunner on May 6, 2016 14:50:24 GMT -5
I'm just sitting here daydreaming about life after my SM .... which is likely to be a long while from now as my refuser is a pro at stalling for time! Anyway, it's got me thinking that what if the high sex drive I have is in part down to the fact that we don't have sex? What if I do escape, and go nuts in the first months getting as much as I can, then find that actually I only wanted it so much because of being denied it constantly? Has anyone found this? I'm great at putting doubts in my own mind ha ha. Thanks I can't answer this because I am still in this SM. But I do think about this too.. and in fact I have fears that I would never be able to satisfy anyone due to my own inexperience from being in this SM for all these years. I do believe that I am too damaged and should I ever leave this SM, I would only find myself alone.
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Post by RumRunner on May 6, 2016 14:39:45 GMT -5
I wish you lots of luck and I do hope you have fun going out. I can imagine how you are feeling about going out with a lot of people that you don't know. The fact that you are thinking about it shows that you are a very brave woman! Perhaps the best way to address our fears is to do things that we are not comfortable with. I can understand having anxiety, because I know I would be a mess under that circumstance.
I sincerely wish you all the strength and the happiness in this new place of your life..... Best wishes always....
RR
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Post by RumRunner on May 3, 2016 8:03:59 GMT -5
I am curious if family makes SM worse for you? Sometimes I confide in my family, or vent to them. But then I just end up getting grilled by them and I feel much, much worse. My grandma will get an upset stomach. My aunt gets sooooo angry because he uses me. She says I have battered woman syndrome. I can admit how wrong he his, but the moment he's home I just freeze up. I have no idea why. My aunt says He's a dog. She just found out I pay for all the billz with the kidz SSI money, otherwise we'd be on the streets. She's pissed. My great aunt lectures me on how I can live on my own. Theres no way I can make it on my own and get everyone, including myself to all the drs appointments. my great great aunt just prays that one day, when the time is right, that God will take him from our lives forever. Does anyone else's family take your venting and just make it feel 10x worse? I would be tempted to tell you the exact same advice that your family has told you, you should be happy and have someone that loves you and cares for you. At least you know that your family loves you very much since they want the best for you. My family likes my wife, so if I was to leave I would be the bad person no matter what so venting to them is useless. This place and one friend is all I have to vent my frustration and I am sure my one friend is probably getting tired of me by now.
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Post by RumRunner on Apr 30, 2016 19:53:41 GMT -5
If you can go back in time and tell your younger self one thing about relationships, what would it be? I would say, "Self? DON'T DO IT!!!! DON'T YOU EVER GET MARRIED!!!! NOT TO THAT ONE!!! YOU KNOW YOU HAVE DOUBTS SO DON'T DO IT!!!" Of course, I probably wouldn't have listened anyway.....
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Post by RumRunner on Apr 30, 2016 19:47:21 GMT -5
The writer sounds very self centred and pleased with herself. Perhaps she is talking to the journalist because she thinks she's clever and will never get caught? I read an article about affairs a while ago that said some people have affairs just for the sheer joy of getting away with it. This writer sounds like that kind of person. To each his or her own, but that is a very shallow reason for having an affair. I agree. To have an affair for just sex would not be rewarding enough for me and I think for anyone who is in a sexless marriage would want more than just the sex. Intimacy and bonding are very much a part of what is also missing. I wouldn't want to use someone or to be used just for sex, that is what prostitutes are for and I wouldn't want that!
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Post by RumRunner on Apr 30, 2016 14:57:13 GMT -5
It is great that you are working towards your own happiness. Keep moving forward and stay strong....
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Post by RumRunner on Apr 24, 2016 19:49:28 GMT -5
I have found it helpful to redefine the definition of happiness and not make it dependent on other people's actions. I would be a lot happier, if I was having sex with my wife, but I don't want to live in absolute misery because she won't. I used to get frustrated and angry. I still do from time to time, now it's just kind of sad. I feel sad because I can control the situation by leaving it, but I choose to stay. Now, it's time to think of something else. This is true. I have used my hobbies to bring me some happiness, though it isn't the loving touching squeezing that I would much rather have. A diversion from the real world helps but the issues will always be there. I accept things for the way they are, but it still gets to me from time to time.
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